by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

When Hindsight is 20/20, and the Future is Bright.

A couple of months before I quit my job, I was talking to a friend about a friend. The friend I was talking about made a big, hairy, audacious decision (I’m tweaking “BHAG“), and her life flourished afterward. I explained that is how life is supposed to go. Things are supposed to fall into place when you’re making the right decisions. Under tears, I asked, “What are the right decisions that I’m not making?” Because both my work life and my personal life had gotten much harder. 

Going into the new job in 2021, I was aware of some reservations. Ultimately, I chose to listen to my head rather than my heart. And I was semi-conscious of that decision. I was coming to terms with things in my personal life, and I didn’t feel like I could 💯 trust what my emotions were telling me.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20. And I think blaming my emotions on certain issues I was dealing with personally was an excuse. Although that, I did not realize at the time. I thought I was being logical and rational.

It’s not a secret that my dream is to be a writer. While I do not think that is my immediate next step, the job I took wasn’t going to get me closer to that goal. That, I did know. But that job was everything I had been working for, and I’m glad I took it, because I would have regretted the “what if” if I didn’t take it. (And it got me closer to realizing what I do want.)

But I heard something on Instagram the other day that perfectly summarizes the uneasiness I felt in my soul.

The magic you’re looking for is in the work you’re avoiding.

My immediate reaction was, “FFFFFFFFFFFk.” If you know what I mean. I don’t know who said it. But it eloquently states what I absolutely knew was true.

I also read:

The only thing standing between you and your goal is the story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.

Jordan Belfort

What we see online makes everything look so easy. “Just go out and do it,” they say. (From people who have already done it and are successful at it. 🙄) I think that’s what I painfully enjoy about expressing my fears and insecurities here. You may have saw me excitedly post about my new business on Instagram, but inside, I felt sick to my stomach taking that step and declaring my next move. I want you to know that. I don’t want to live in smoke and mirrors.

Taking the leap of faith to find magic comes with less in some ways and more in others. As Mel Robbins says, “Choose your hard.”

And I have reached a place where I am tired of telling myself I can’t do it. I am tired of making excuses. I am tired of listening to my head when it’s not aligned with my heart. I am tired of letting what other people project onto me infiltrate my thoughts and instill doubt when I am confident in what I can do (and will do).

It irritates TF out of me when people tell you not to wait until you’re retired to enjoy your life. When they say, “Life is too short to do things that make you unhappy.” Then you make decisions to give you that freedom, that happiness, and that fulfillment, and they’re all like, “Ohhh, are you sure you want to do that?”

For the first time in a long time, my response to them will now be a deadpan, “Yes.”

I am certain this is what I want to do. I no longer want to allow other people to instill (more and unsolicited) doubt and insecurity in my life, when they do not have the courage to make BHADs themselves. So, while I hope to shamelessly project confidence as I move forward on this venture, you’ll know my secret: that I am choosing the hard that makes my dream come true. And I am doing it with fear, every step of the way.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Testing My Patience … and My Faith.

I believe in God. There are numerous examples I can give where I have seen Him work in my life. But those examples are mostly in answered prayers. Putting my mind to something, and God giving me the strength and ability to achieve it. The only true test I can think of, in my experience, of questioning God, has been in overcoming depression. Years, and years, and years, would go by. Almost daily I would beg for the misery to be over, while simultaneously trusting He had a plan. 

It was about 10 years after my “official” diagnosis, and at least another 10 more from the onset of symptoms. At least 10 full years of not knowing or understanding why I felt a certain way. And another 10 years of knowing and understanding, but not really improving. Twenty years of faith. Twenty years of believing. Twenty years of trusting.

It was a long time. A long time of feeling helpless, but not hopeless.

I’ve been here before. At the mercy of His will. Making slow progress forward.  

It’s hard. Hard to have patience to let things play out as they may. Hard to not try and control the situation, even when I don’t have answers that could possibly change it.

Vulnerable truth be told, I’ve been praying for a closer relationship with Him. I had drifted, and I desired to feel Him working more deeply within me. There were surface-level ways I could see his movement, but I was seeking a gut-level reminder that He is with me. I needed stronger signals guiding me down the right path.

It’s the irony that consistently restores my faith. The creative ways in which He delivers almost never aligns with my naive expectations. 

I believe that God gives us breadcrumbs. Subtle clues that move us forward. But for me, roughly every 10 years, I get hit with something bigger, where I am faced with a life shift. After a significant time of putting my head down and focusing on personal and professional growth, I am somewhat forced to lift my head and look forward to determine, with all of my newly accumulated life experience, which path I want to take next.

And while I am certain that path is already determined, the time of self-reflection given for evaluation is a blessing. 

Everyone has different definitions of what living life to the fullest looks like. I don’t like to spend a lot of time looking back on what could have or should have been. I believe things play out exactly as they are supposed to, so there is no point in wishing it could have been different. Yes, there are decisions I wish I did not make or had made sooner, but I may not have learned the lesson or acquired the wisdom from the experience that contributes to my character, my beliefs, and my values – the core things that make me who I am. And it is those core things that, for me, define my life and how I lived it. It’s not how many countries I’ve traveled to or how much money I have in my bank account; it’s how I have served those around me. 

As a side note: I can think of one specific person who would question how I served them. Who would be the naysayer in my belief about myself. The funny thing is that this person doesn’t really know me at all. And the way I am choosing to serve them is essentially by not acquiescing to their behaviors, actions, and attitudes. Everything they seemingly hate about me is actually the gift I am giving them. Sometimes the lesson that we need to teach others is one they must come to learn on their own. 

But I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I know, and God knows my journey. And these gut-level life shift times of reflection and evaluation remind me that He is still here. He is still guiding me. He is still working in my life. And through all of the missteps, He still loves me unconditionally. And in my moments of doubt, He still provides.

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by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intent.

Last week, (or whenever it was), I wrote about our ability to learn from our mistakes. When we make a poor decision with no ill intent, it is simply a human error in judgment, and we move on with life.  No harm, no foul. But what happens when there is harm? When there is foul? Why is intent sometimes looked at and not others?

My thoughts on this were prompted a few days ago when a liberal friend of mine posted something about guns on her Facebook page. She essentially said that she doesn’t want to take away guns; she just wants people to get proper instruction and training, so you know how to handle the firearm. Now, I’m not sure the context in which she meant this, and I know she does not condone violence. But my initial reaction was, “The bigger concern is not so much about if you know how to use a firearm; it’s more about what you intend to do with it.” Learning to use a gun specifically for murder is a lot different than learning to use a gun for potential use in self-defense.

But I’m not here to start a gun control debate with you. I’m sure you know how I feel about that. My point is that intent matters.

Following up on my interest in stoicism, Rafał Albiński explores the idea that there are two components to action: 1.) the intent or willingness to act, and 2.) the act itself (doing what was intended to be done). According to psychological theory, creating intent is within our control. Intent is conscious motive. But the action is not always entirely up to us. I may intend to meet my friend for lunch at 11:30, but several things can prevent that from happening:

  1. Someone pulls out in front of me and I get in a car accident (an external condition)
  2. I get focused on a project at work and lose track of time (nonvolitional will – unconscious decision)
  3. I deliberately choose to stand him up (volitional will – conscious decision)

Stoics believe that if something is not fully up to us, then it is not up to us. It’s fate-based. Therefore if action 1 happens, then I was not meant to meet that friend for lunch. My life was fated to take a different path. If action 2 happens, then it is possible that I was late because I was fated to avoid that accident. If action 3 happens, then I’m not really practicing Stoic (or simply kind) behavior and should reconsider my intent.

But this isn’t a lesson in Stoicism, so here’s another angle. Loretta G. Breuning, Ph.D. says:

Intention is the human ability to redirect the electricity in your brain instead of just letting it flow down the path of least resistance. Animals don’t do this. The world reaches their senses and electricity flows into paths paved by past experience. We humans can notice that flow and divert it.

If we go back to the gun issue as an example…this is an emotionally charged debate. But it’s what prompted my thought process, so I’m going to follow through on it.

Pulling the trigger is the second component of the action. The first component is the willingness to pull the trigger. Which means the human consciously diverted their energy into the action. This two component approach is also used in criminal law. The intent (mens rea) must be proven in order to secure a conviction for the actual act (actus reus).

Had I of commented on my friends post with my initial reaction, it likely would have started a gun control debate with her or one of her other FB friends. Her intent on the post was genuinely good. She was extending a Second Amendment olive branch out to her conservative friends, so to speak. My reaction would have blown her comments out of proportion, and created a defensive/divisive environment on our feeds.

As I said in my last post, “just because we can use media as mindless entertainment doesn’t mean we should always consume it as mindless media.” We need to stop receiving everyone’s commentary at face-value and consider the intent of their messages. especially on social media. We subconsciously think that everyone is out to intentionally inflict harm on us, when really, people are just voicing an opinion that they have every right to have.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Passion.

Merriam-Webster defines passion as an “intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction.”  I don’t really like this definition.  I can have intense feelings of happiness or sadness or anger or any other emotion.  I feel like passion is more encompassing, but I’m not sure of what.  

You always hear motivational and inspirational speakers tell you to “Find your passion.”  Like, what does that even mean? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why don’t they say “Find what you love?” or “Find what makes you happy?”  What is it about passion that sets it apart?

I’ve had a lot of jobs in a lot of different industries.  But it wasn’t until I started working in farming that I truly began to understand what “find your passion” meant. In the day-to-day, I truly enjoy helping produce a safe and healthy food supply for my family, my community, and beyond.  I can be out walking a field and feel pure happiness, if even just for a moment.  I can submit paperwork and feel pride.  I can learn from an irrigator and feel connection. I can teach leadership and feel helpful.

But there are some days…

There are some days when I personally feel attacked, my role feels attacked, or when I feel my company or industry is being attacked – you wanna talk about intense feelings? 🤬 The anger and frustration can shoot straight through to my core.  Claws come out, and I. am. ready to pull out all. the. guns.  I can go from an extreme of positive emotions to an extreme of negative emotions in a matter of seconds. But the good days by far outweigh the bad days. And even on the bad days, there are few things I’d rather do more.

That. is. passion.

Kevin Hall defines passion as “A willingness to suffer for what you love” – a definition I really like.

But I don’t think passion is something you find. I think passion is like love.  It. finds. you.  When the time is right.  Society puts so much pressure on us to have both within a timeframe it deems “normal.”  As a collective, who is society to set these standards when we consider how many people are in unhappy marriages and unhappy in their careers?  

A “calling” is accompanied by “conviction of divine influence.”

Conviction is referenced in the Merriam-Webster definitions of passion and calling. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Conviction and passion are rooted in belief. Belief is putting trust or confidence in someone or some thing. Put that belief in yourself and your God, and you will find your passion when your passion finds you. It’s ethos, pathos, and logos working together.

All those random jobs I had before farming gave me perspective. Ten years ago, I didn’t have the confidence or the backbone to do what I do today. There’s a reason I found my calling when I did. I don’t think this is my only calling either. I think this is where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. And as I feel myself undergoing transformational change, this phase of life is just a stretch of highway on the journey.

As we learn and we grow, we change. Ten years from now, I can be in a completely different place. We don’t know what life has in store for us. Perhaps we must go through the rough waters until we reach our passion, and at that point it becomes smooth sailing. ⛵️ But not without challenge – just challenge you’re better suited to navigate. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I dunno; I’m learning as I go too!

But what I do know, is that I think most people equate passion with happiness. If we find our passion, we become happier. But there is nothing about suffering that makes one happy. I think passion is a balance between positive and negative emotions; it is contentment.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Closure.

Making sense of something we have lost is the acceptance stage of grief.  Seeking closure can stem from any form of loss, not just the loss of a relationship.  An explanation or answer as to why we lost something can provide us with the opportunity to learn something about ourselves or the other person or situation (whatever it may be).

Closure exists on a scale; different personalities may be more prone to seek closure than others.  Not receiving closure for people who need it can lead to psychological distress.  

One study found that people who prefer order and predictability – having a more rigid way of thinking and a low tolerance for ambiguity – struggle when they are unable to find the answers to help them move on. In contrast, people who are more open minded, creative and comfortable with ambiguity are better able to cope with not achieving closure.

(source)

I’m not one way or the other. My personal need for closure is definitely on a scale. While I can logically come to terms with something, it might take me a little longer emotionally.

Remember when I wanted to have a courageous conversation with someone who avoided the conversation altogether? This was a situation where I had to accept ambiguity in closure. I knew that seeking out further closure would not make me feel better. I knew that it had the potential to actually make me feel worse, so I had to accept it for what it was.

Most people need closure most when termination of the event is significant, holding particular value or meaning. And that’s true. This person was important to me. While my head knows his reaction to the situation will have me better off in the long run, my heart is still hurting from the loss of our friendship. I learned something about myself and the other person in this situation, but that hasn’t made accepting it any easier or allowed me to move on from it any quicker.

In terms of COVID, life before pandemic was pretty damn great. And while it didn’t change dramatically, it changed enough. What makes COVID so tough is we are still in the midst of it. We don’t know if there’s going to be another wave in the fall or spring. We don’t know when our economy is going to re-open at full capacity. We don’t know what changes the election will bring. There is so. much. uncertainty. It’s hard to accept what it is, as it is, when it is constantly changing.

I think finding closure is a lot like handling disappointment. When you operate with ethos and logos, closure is a little more tangible. When you you operate with ethos and pathos, closure is a little more ambiguous. But when you’ve lost something of significance, it’s likely that you’ve put your head and your heart on the line. The more you have invested, the more emotional ramifications there will be, and the road to closure may take a little longer than anticipated.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Strength.

I was recently asked, “What makes you feel strong?”  The question caught me off-guard, and I did a quick analysis of my life.  I thought about my job, being a volunteer, public speaking, relationships, travel, the programs I’ve been part of, the opportunities I’ve had, and being a leader.  Without much conscious thought, I replied, “I feel strongest in my weakest moments.”

Then I got caught off-guard by my own response, and I’ve been thinking about it since.  I’m realizing how true the statement is.  

There have been times where I am curled up in a ball, crying, feeling every piece of my heart break 💔, experiencing extremely deep hurts that translate into actual pain.  In these moments of complete emotional vulnerability, there is something empowering in knowing that I. will. make. it through.  It’s absolute faith in God’s greater plan.  It is resilience in action.

It seems to me that almost everything we equate to strength in our culture today is actually the opposite of what strength is.  Strength is the power to resist force or attack. Read that slowly, intentionally, and take it in.

I don’t want this to be a political post, but there are so many examples in our political climate.  Truly peaceful protests are a sign of strength.  When it takes a turn to violence and vandalism, it is no longer a demonstration of strength.  It is a sign of weakness, because we have not resisted the urge to fight or attack.  Consider how much effort (aka strength) it takes to hold back emotion when we are angry.   I had to have a courageous conversation with my boss a couple of weeks ago, and it took everything I had to not burst into tears.

There is a big difference between leaning into our emotions and letting our emotions control us.  There is a right time and a right place.  There are healthy and unhealthy ways to manage our feelings.  

I’m not really much of a runner anymore, but a couple of months ago, I was going through some tough shit.  I decided to go pound pavement; I needed my body to feel the pain my heart was feeling.  I talked it out and I cried it out, but I still wasn’t feeling any better.  So I ran it out.  And man, did it help. 🏃🏻‍♀️  

I ran hard, and fast, and for a surprisingly long time!  When I stopped, I thought my lungs were going to collapse.  I let out all of my pain in that run.  Kind of like Phoebe…only angrily…🤪

Not only did the run make me feel emotionally strong, but it made me feel physically strong. I’m not saying running is the solution for everyone. Now, I will literally only run if I’m experiencing that kind of hurt. (Running is not fun. 😂)

In leadership, you must lead yourself, before you lead others, before you lead organizations. This is why self-awareness is so important. When we become more attuned to our own emotions, we naturally (and unconsciously) gain the ability to recognize signals in others increasing our empathetic ability to hopefully respond with kindness and compassion. Leadership requires a strong foundation, and it all begins with you.