by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Trust.

I once saw a meme that said, “Dating is getting to know someone until you realize you don’t like that person anymore.”  I mean, how true is that statement though? 😬 It’s kind of sad when you really think about it.  You invest time, energy, and emotion in someone until you ultimately discover that person is not worth your time, energy, and emotion.

There are a lot of great things about being single, don’t get me wrong.  The freedom is undeniably one of the best aspects of it.  But the dating part is hard.

First, choosing the person you want to date.  Not just anyone will set off the “cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that accompanies the exciting first phase of love.  The person we select has to smell right, feel right, look right, and be just right in our arms.  Then, and only then, will the cascade get started.” – John Gottman, Ph.D

Once we choose that person (which I think is a conscious and subconscious decision), our brain releases several chemicals that have enormous influence on our judgment and affection.  These chemicals include a natural form of amphetamine, dopamine, pheromones, and oxytocin.  Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined this phase of love as “limerence”.  Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession typically experienced by an involuntary strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.

It is our biological makeup that reacts to the people we are attracted to.  We cannot control the release of these chemicals, which is what makes the initial phase of relationships so intoxicating and exciting.  Then we enter the make it or break it phase of the relationship: Building Trust. 

This is where we discover we may not really like that person after all.  Some of those feel good chemicals have worn off, our blinders are no longer up, and we start to see this person for who they really are.

As we navigate through learning whether or not our partner can be trusted, we experience feelings of frustration, disappointment, sadness, and exasperation.  If healthy, positive conflict discussions ensue, the relationship has a better likelihood of working.  If blaming arguments occur, well, it’s the opposite. 

In animal research, scientists found that oxytocin and vasopressin are two chemicals associated with lifelong pair-bonding among prairie voles.  Prairie voles have high levels of oxytocin; they mate for life.  In a study, when scientists blocked the oxytocin receptors, the animals no longer formed monogamous bonds and tended to roam.

Oxytocin has been called “the love hormone” or “the cuddle hormone” because it plays an important role in forming attachments.  Our style of attachment (secure or insecure) as adults is rooted in how we bonded with caregivers as infants and children, namely our mother.  When you hold an infant, they wiggle in your arms to find comfort.  Once they find it, they put the whole weight of their body on you.  They give you com.plete. trust. with their being.  They feel safe and secure.

The building of trust is about having your partner’s best interests in mind and at heart.

John Gottman

In Trust Factor: The Science of Creating High-Performance Companies, Paul Zak describes the chemical reactions in our brains on how we respond to challenges and how trust is created.  In rodents, oxytocin has been shown to signal that another animal was safe to approach.  In an experiment conducted by Zak’s team, they found that oxytocin tended to reduce the fear of trusting a stranger.

Challenge stresses, (a difficult but achievable task), releases oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.  Chemicals that intensify your focus and strengthen social connections.  In dating, this would probably be “the chase”.

Ultimately, you cultivate trust by setting a clear direction, giving people what they need to see it through, and getting out of their way.

Paul Zak

This comes down to expectations, communication, and feedback.  Not only are these typically weak areas in businesses, but also just in day-to-day relationships with coworkers, friends, family, and romantic partners.  

What’s interesting to me about all of this is that it goes to show that whether you are in a romantic or professional relationship with someone, our chemical reactions to building trust are essentially the same.  Healthy and positive conflict discussions in either type of relationship will see more success.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Heart.

Have you ever really paid attention to where you feel emotions in your body?  It’s quite an interesting experiment that I recommend you try.  I did it for a week, and I learned that nearly every emotion I feel somewhere in the central portion of my body.

But it wasn’t all that surprising when I thought about it.  When my heart breaks, I feel it in my heart.  When I get nervous, I feel it in my stomach.  When I feel joy, I feel it in my heart.  When I feel excitement, I feel it in my stomach.  I don’t feel emotions in my head or my legs.  

As you learned, our gut is becoming known in the science community as our “second brain”, so it’s no wonder that we feel so many emotions in our stomach region (due to the enteric nervous system).  But today, I want to focus on the heart.

Have you ever really thought about the heart as a muscular organ?  I mean, it’s absolutely. F’ing. fascinating. 🤯  Our hearts are essential to our body’s health and function.  But unlike the other muscles in our body, hearts only get stronger when they break from our emotions.  We have no other way to “work out” that muscle than to feel heartache or heartbreak.  (And because I know someone is going to comment, yes, there are other ways we can build a strong heart through eating right, exercise, etc., but that’s not my point here. 🙄 )

Negative emotions are the muscle tears of our hearts that help it grow back stronger and more resilient. (Can someone quote me on that in the future?  ‘Cause damn.  That was good.)

Think about that for a minute though.  In several of my previous posts, I talk about how important it is to feel all of our emotions.  That we must feel the good and the bad.  And when we fully let ourselves feel the bad, the good is just that. much. sweeter. 

Just as walking around with sore muscles is uncomfortable, walking around with an aching or broken heart is uncomfortable too.  When we work other muscles, we give them time to rest and heal.  They get a day off.  Our heart works constantly, never pausing for rest.  Literally speaking, our heart never tires.  Emotionally speaking, our heart is overworked.  

Our heart is the. most. important. muscle in our body.  We don’t judge people for exercising other parts of their body; we praise them for giving it care. So, why do we dismiss giving our heart the emotional care it needs and judge people for when they do?

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Adversity.

The definition of adversity is “a state or instance of serious or continued difficulty or misfortune.”  State or instance – which means that it can be constant or a one-time difficulty or misfortune.  Nothing in the definition refers to the intensity or severity of this difficulty or misfortune, yet it seems to me that many people tend to associate adversity with tragedy or sacrifice.  Even I do this!  (Yes, it says “serious”, but that is subjective and irrelevant for where I’m going with this. 😒)

In the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Manson says, “For many of us, our proudest achievements come in the face of the greatest adversity.  Our pain often makes us stronger, more resilient, more grounded.”

Is it weird that I love that last line?

Most people shy away from the hard stuff.  They avoid it.  Me?  I lean into it.  I want to feel it all in raw form, fully and completely.  And I’m not going to lie, it can be extremely rough.  But I believe that you can’t have the good without the bad.  Giving into the negative helps me recognize the positive and allows me to fully embrace the happy too.  (And if you remember from this post and this post, giving into the emotion also helps you work through it quicker.) 

I recently realized that I am an independent problem-solver.  I will seek advice and hear opinions, but when it comes down to it, I internalize working through my problems completely alone.  Whether this is healthy or not is an entirely different story, but I’ve literally been doing this since the day I was born.  (Which is a whole other story.) 

The amount of personal growth that comes with leaning into pain or adversity, then independently problem-solving, 100% makes me stronger, more resilient, and more grounded.  I am proud of who I am because of this … but it’s also made me a bit cold and closed off.  Something to be less proud of.

Brené Brown defines courage in it’s earliest form as “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”  (Can we just acknowledge how beautiful that definition is for a sec?)  She says:

Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds…this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences – good and bad.

I have a lifetime of strength and experience built up in my heart.  To be truly courageous in speaking my mind by telling what’s in my heart …. I can’t even put into words how terrifying that is.  For me, that is complete. naked. exposure.

When I’m facing adversity, I can be very emotional and very logical. Sometimes my head and my heart can tell me two entirely different things.  And typically, logic wins. 

Logic works with facts and reason.  I don’t have to be vulnerable with what’s in my heart.  I let my emotional needs take a backseat.  But in doing so, I set myself up for the possibility of not achieving my desired outcome, because I wasn’t courageous enough to admit what I truly wanted.  And can I really be angry or upset when I don’t achieve my desired outcome when I didn’t lay it all out on the line in the first place?  No, I can’t.  I’m left with feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty, because I didn’t give it my all.  But if I lay out logic and emotion and still don’t get the desired result, then I can accept that as the way it was supposed to go.  I can move on knowing that I did give it my all.

But it’s all easier said than done, am I right?  I mean…shit.  Literally, the thought of having to lay out some of the sensitive things that are in my heart makes me want to 🤢.  For me personally (and probably most people), vulnerability = courage and adversity – at the same time! 🤯 

When we recognize courageous acts of vulnerability in ourselves, it promotes empathy and compassion toward adversity in others.  And if you remember, when we share things with others, it intensifies our experiences.  And that is what creates connection. 💖

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