by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

All the Things I Can Do.

I have never been a big dreamer, and I’m actually somewhat thankful for that. I’m far too practical and reasonable to dream big. I feel big dreams have the potential to put unattainable goals in your distant future, and too many variables can pop up between now and then. I would rather take opportunities as they come or plan for things within a timeframe that is practical, reasonable, and attainable. 

I’m also quite aware that the future is not guaranteed. I have a hard time dreaming or planning too far ahead knowing full well the opportunity may never come. 

In the beginning of a leadership training I attended, a group of us were asked what we would do if we found out we only had a month to live. Most people responded that they would travel. I was the only person who said I would prefer to spend time at home with family and friends. Luggage, airports, airplanes, strangers, cab drivers, currency exchanges – honestly, ugh. That is not how I want to spend the last few weeks of my life.

It’s the people that we share experiences with that matter, and the idea of sharing my last days with people who care about me far exceeds my desire to explore the world. I want my last days to be filled with love, laughter, gratitude, and meaningful moments, not bustling streets in different parts of the world, exploring different cultures that put me outside my comfort zone. No. I want quiet, peaceful, safe, and comfortable. That atmosphere with friends and family will fill my cup up, and that’s how I want to remember living my life – fulfilled.

When I ponder the future and the opportunities that lie ahead, it’s foggy. I don’t know what it looks like beyond a short distance in front of me. And I’m okay with that.

For so long, I’ve been working on stretching myself so far that I’ve become a slave to my own routines, and the rules I’ve created for myself to be professionally successful. Make sure I get 8 hours of sleep. Eat dinner at a decent hour. Don’t stay out late on a work night. But my personality is actually far more easy going than the boundaries I’ve created for myself to operate within. But my commitments and obligations required structure in order for me to prioritize and complete. I spread myself thin, and it required a bit of rigidity.

What I hope (and have been planning) for, is more flexibility, so I have the availability to take opportunities as they come. 

I once heard that life is what happens when you least expect it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a blueprint in your back pocket. I think that’s a healthy and realistic way to approach life. My family, friends, values, morals, and ethics are the roots that keep me grounded. My finances, home, and career make up the trunk that keeps me stable. The branches represent the unexpected – all the different things I can do and all the different directions those opportunities may point me. Some grow long and strong, others stay short, and some break off.

I can confidently say that I finally feel like I am to a point where my roots are deep, and my trunk is strong enough to withhold future growth from a variety of different experiences. And I am excited for what that may bring.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Closure.

Making sense of something we have lost is the acceptance stage of grief.  Seeking closure can stem from any form of loss, not just the loss of a relationship.  An explanation or answer as to why we lost something can provide us with the opportunity to learn something about ourselves or the other person or situation (whatever it may be).

Closure exists on a scale; different personalities may be more prone to seek closure than others.  Not receiving closure for people who need it can lead to psychological distress.  

One study found that people who prefer order and predictability – having a more rigid way of thinking and a low tolerance for ambiguity – struggle when they are unable to find the answers to help them move on. In contrast, people who are more open minded, creative and comfortable with ambiguity are better able to cope with not achieving closure.

(source)

I’m not one way or the other. My personal need for closure is definitely on a scale. While I can logically come to terms with something, it might take me a little longer emotionally.

Remember when I wanted to have a courageous conversation with someone who avoided the conversation altogether? This was a situation where I had to accept ambiguity in closure. I knew that seeking out further closure would not make me feel better. I knew that it had the potential to actually make me feel worse, so I had to accept it for what it was.

Most people need closure most when termination of the event is significant, holding particular value or meaning. And that’s true. This person was important to me. While my head knows his reaction to the situation will have me better off in the long run, my heart is still hurting from the loss of our friendship. I learned something about myself and the other person in this situation, but that hasn’t made accepting it any easier or allowed me to move on from it any quicker.

In terms of COVID, life before pandemic was pretty damn great. And while it didn’t change dramatically, it changed enough. What makes COVID so tough is we are still in the midst of it. We don’t know if there’s going to be another wave in the fall or spring. We don’t know when our economy is going to re-open at full capacity. We don’t know what changes the election will bring. There is so. much. uncertainty. It’s hard to accept what it is, as it is, when it is constantly changing.

I think finding closure is a lot like handling disappointment. When you operate with ethos and logos, closure is a little more tangible. When you you operate with ethos and pathos, closure is a little more ambiguous. But when you’ve lost something of significance, it’s likely that you’ve put your head and your heart on the line. The more you have invested, the more emotional ramifications there will be, and the road to closure may take a little longer than anticipated.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Guilt.

I recently read a quote that said you need to put others’ needs before your own. As someone trained in leadership, I know that you cannot be a successful leader without first taking care of yourself. You are at the foundation of your leadership, and if the foundation is weak, everything else will be too.

Rachel Hollis lists her priorities:

  1. Herself
  2. Her marriage
  3. Her children

Most people would look at this list and totally give her flack for putting herself and her husband before her children, but I get it and fully stand behind her. You know that saying, “When mom doesn’t feel good, no one feels good”? Everyone feels the effects of a weak leader, whether that leader is a CEO or parent or both.

I was talking to a friend the other day and told her, “I’ve been strong too long.” Everything has compounded, until I ultimately could no longer carry the weight and started to give. It’s no different than when you are sick. If you keep going, you will stay sick longer. But if you stop, rest, and give your body what it needs, you will recover more quickly.

Why is it less acceptable to treat our heart and soul in the same way? Self-care is critical to our function. Just because we can’t see something, doesn’t mean it’s not there. (I can go into a whole behavioral health tangent, but I will save that for another day.)

I had no plans this weekend. For the first time in months, I had no weekend commitment. And as we gear up for the Holidays, this was my only free weekend for another few weeks. And then…it came….a text…

“Playing for the Championships 10:30.” 😫 Instant guilt. My heart literally sank.

In my head, all I could think was no. I am not ready for this. I haven’t had enough time to recuperate. If I go, it will be out of obligation not desire. Then I will be slightly resentful, because this little thing is just one. more. thing. I haven’t even recovered from all the other things. And the healing weekend I had prepared for myself last weekend did not go as planned (which added to the things). And let’s be real, I had no outside weekend commitment, no event, no fundraiser, no family function. But there is still laundry, dishes, yard work and bills to pay, it’s not like I’m doing nothing this weekend. So feeling like a terrible person, I replied, “Not going to make it, but best of luck.”

I know my body, my, heart, and my soul. I know that I can carry a lot of weight, so when I say no, I mean no. And that should be respected. Instead, we are often made to feel guilty about choosing ones self. And in this case, I put the guilt on myself. Women, especially, I think do this all the time. Moms probably even more so. We are so focused on protecting the feelings of others that we neglect our own. But we cannot control how others feel.

We give so much of ourselves to our work, our family, our friends, and our community. Remember that post on the Work-Life Balance? Same applies with give and take. Life is giving and taking.

Lately, I’ve given so much of myself to my work and my community that today, I just did not have the energy to give my time to family too. Instead, I took that time for myself. Because I know that if I did not take this time to ease my soul, I would have been piling on more to an already weak foundation. With the holidays coming up, work and community will take a back seat to family. While I do feel bad for missing the game, opportunity to show I care will present itself soon enough.

Just like the work-life balance, let’s look at the give and take with a wider lens. Lately, work and community held more weight. In the upcoming weeks, life and family will hold more weight. So I’m not going to feel guilty for taking some time to recalibrate, because I want to appreciate the relationships, uphold the traditions, enjoy the company, and feel the love that the holidays bring. Those are the things that give our life meaning, and I don’t want to go into it with a burden of being one. more. thing.