by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Grief.

Suffering is part of human existence.  This is fact.  Every person in the world has lost something of significance and gone into a process of grieving.  Grief takes on different forms for different people.  Some numb pain; some deny through avoidance, and some lean into the pain.  Loss is unavoidable. 

Grief comes after loss, and psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross believed that there are 5 stages of grief.  They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There has been criticisms of this grief theory among social scientists.  I don’t love it or hate it.  I do think grief is a process, but I don’t necessarily think there is a structure (that we grieve in this consecutive order).  Grief affects us all differently, and we all manage it differently.  It is an incredibly powerful emotion that has physical, social, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual affects.  

David Kessler said, we lost the world as we know it because of COVID.  I don’t think it’s extreme to consider we as a collective society and we as individuals are experiencing grief due to the loss of our pre-COVID lives.

On a frustrating day, I live in COVID denial.  On a bad day, I live in COVID depression.  On a hopeful day, I live in COVID bargaining.  On a melancholy day, I live in COVID acceptance.  On a sad day, I live in COVID anger. 

Notice how I didn’t say “on a good day”?  Yeah, that was on purpose. 😔  It’s hard to see the good in grief.  COVID has fundamentally changed our society and that is having profound effects on our well-being.  We are culturally going through transformational change.  It has been abrupt, dramatic, problematic, and traumatic.  

While time may heal all wounds, scars are left behind – reminders of what we loss and subsequent negative emotions when we pay attention to those reminders.  But with COVID, at least for me, I guess I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.  A return to pre-COVID “normal” seems so far away.  We are six months into this global pandemic, and my wounds are still healing.   

I’m fortunate to understand what’s going on (for the most part).  I know myself well enough to know when I need special or extra care.  As someone who suffered from depression in the past, I know that I am in a vulnerable state.  I’ve had to make conscious and concerted efforts to give my mind, body, and soul the care it needs to sustain this discomfort for the foreseeable future.  

I feel like what makes the recovery part of COVID grief so difficult is that we do not have the outlets or ability to lean into the connections we desperately need to get us through these difficult times – at least in California. 😒 And what we are able to do, we must do with half our face covered – preventing us from receiving non-verbal cues from those with whom we communicate.

Like so many things we encounter in our lives, we often have a hard time accepting things for what they are when those things are beyond our control. While I logically understand this global pandemic, my emotional side is having a hard time coming to terms with it.

While I may not agree with the consecutive order in which we grieve, I do believe that acceptance is the last stage. Some days I accept COVID for what it is (on that particular day), but I have not accepted it for what it has done (personally and economically). I have not accepted the mental and behavioral health ramifications that are stemming from it (individually and collectively), nor have I accepted with the ability to move on.

Like scars from wounds that have healed, acceptance does not mean that all of our negative feelings magically disappear. Reminders still exist. When we push too hard, stitches can come undone. Infections can arise. We are. still. in. the healing process. Acceptance does not come within a specific timeframe. And even when the wounds have healed, sometimes it truly does become living in a “new normal.”

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Appreciation.

Life has been an uphill climb lately.  And yeah, I’ve been complaining.  It’s natural, right? 😬 But I also recognize that you don’t reach a peak of the mountain without first walking through the valley.  

For the past 4 months, it has literally been one thing after another, and it’s taken me on an emotional roller coaster.  There have been essentially 7 significant events that have each taken me down a notch (or several). 

While I’ve been able to lean on people who care about me for support, there is still something missing that’s left me feeling unfulfilled.  So, I’ve been doing what I do: completely analyzing these situations to find the root of what has me feeling defeated and less than.

And here’s that I think it comes down to: appreciation.  We all have this innate desire to feel seen and heard.  And while I have received “thank you” or “I appreciate you” comments, some haven’t felt truly genuine, nor has the appreciation equated to the toll each situation has taken on me.  The scale is still weighed more negatively. 

Psychological research has shown that when people are perpetually in a situation where they are ignored, this causes real emotional pain, and that in turn will cause physical problems caused by the stress of being ignored on an ongoing basis.

(source)

If I’m being honest, this is where I feel I am.  It’s not that I feel I’ve been completely ignored, but I don’t feel I’ve been truly seen either.  What’s more is that a few of these situations have prompted me to re-evaluate relationships, adding to the feelings of loneliness and loss.  Not only am I enduring the stress of each situation compounded, but also the stress of not feeling seen or heard in each situation compounded.  

But I can’t recognize this problem without also finding a solution.

This made me think about the 5 Love Languages.  How someone expresses love is essentially the same way he or she express appreciation.  If we can apply this to romantic relationships, why wouldn’t the same concept apply to professional relationships too?

Turns out, the same people who wrote the 5 Love Languages also wrote a book about the 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.  And you know what?  They’re the same!  (I’m really not that surprised by this. 😏)  Here’s what appreciation in the workplace looks like:

  1. Gifts – Lunch or a bonus
  2. Acts of Service – Actions speak louder than words (actual help)
  3. Quality Time – Undivided attention (real active listening)
  4. Words of Affirmation – Expression of genuine gratitude
  5. Physical Touch – Strong handshake or pat on the back

My mentor gave me quality time and words of affirmation. She validated my feelings and encouraged me to make some moves. The friend who avoided our conversation left me feeling ignored and unappreciated. One made me feel seen and heard (in limited capacity) while the other definitely did not.

Receiving appreciation in any capacity is external and not within my control.  I can’t force someone to genuinely and authentically show me they care.  I think that’s what makes it so meaningful when someone does. But it also comes back to recognizing small wins, because we don’t always receive appreciation in grand gestures.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Independent.

I was talking to a friend who asked, “Why would people think that I wouldn’t settle down?”

😬 That, is a loaded question, my friend.

While marriage and a family are important to him, he’s been self-reliant and independent for a very long time. He thinks he’s open with information, but he’s actually quite reserved. He tells you what you need to know (logically) and not much more (emotionally). He’s had relationships, but not real meaningful ones. And they’re not meaningful, because he defaults to independent and self-reliant behavior with no emotional vulnerability to build connection.

He thinks no one is going to do something as good as he’s going to do it, so why rely on someone else? He’s been able to manage things for himself for so long that he doesn’t need anyone else’s help.

I get it. Because it’s like looking in a F’ing mirror. (Remember when I said I’m an independent problem-solver? 🙄)

Our modern culture associates independence with strength and confidence. This can be dangerous, because it’s not reflective of our true nature as social creatures that depend on others. Society pressures us to do the exact opposite of what we actually need to do. We grow up believing that if we need each other, we are less than.

I don’t easily let people in. But it’s not so much a defense mechanism, as it has become a learned behavior. I can 100% count on myself in any situation. I can’t say the same for others. And this gets validated repeatedly.

If I have to remind a guy at work to do something more than once, he’s unreliable. If I keep putting my heart out there only to have it broken, it’s better to keep it locked up safely. If I keep getting shitty advice, it’s better not to talk to anyone. This isn’t rocket science. Einstein gets it and he was super smart:

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The thing is though: the guy at work is unreliable, but not every person I work with is. Men may break my heart, but not every man will. And if someone keeps giving me shitty advice, someone else will be more understanding.

Part of my struggle with learning to live impeccably is that I’ve begun to see more people in an unfavorable light. It’s not just the one person at work that’s unreliable; there’s multiple people. It’s not that men have broken my heart; it’s that there’s so few I’m even willing to give the opportunity. It’s not that people intend to give me shitty advice; it’s that I’ve outgrown their ability to successfully reach me.

Of course, these are things that I pretty much already knew. They’re just resonating a little more deeply lately. There’s good and bad to this. The bad is that it’s only further validating my presumption that self-reliant and independent behavior is best. The good is that I recognize this is bad. 😏

Now, the hard part is improving my own behavior. I cannot control any of these external factors, but I can control how I prevent or react to them. This has taken a lot of self-reflection and inner-work. It’s taken re-evaluating relationships and setting new boundaries.

If I’m being honest, it feels as though I’m just setting myself up for failure. And realistically, I kind of am. We have to take chances on people in order to build connections with them. We have to put ourselves out there with the risk we will be let down or hurt. Vulnerability is courageous, and it’s all just part of life.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Heart.

Have you ever really paid attention to where you feel emotions in your body?  It’s quite an interesting experiment that I recommend you try.  I did it for a week, and I learned that nearly every emotion I feel somewhere in the central portion of my body.

But it wasn’t all that surprising when I thought about it.  When my heart breaks, I feel it in my heart.  When I get nervous, I feel it in my stomach.  When I feel joy, I feel it in my heart.  When I feel excitement, I feel it in my stomach.  I don’t feel emotions in my head or my legs.  

As you learned, our gut is becoming known in the science community as our “second brain”, so it’s no wonder that we feel so many emotions in our stomach region (due to the enteric nervous system).  But today, I want to focus on the heart.

Have you ever really thought about the heart as a muscular organ?  I mean, it’s absolutely. F’ing. fascinating. 🤯  Our hearts are essential to our body’s health and function.  But unlike the other muscles in our body, hearts only get stronger when they break from our emotions.  We have no other way to “work out” that muscle than to feel heartache or heartbreak.  (And because I know someone is going to comment, yes, there are other ways we can build a strong heart through eating right, exercise, etc., but that’s not my point here. 🙄 )

Negative emotions are the muscle tears of our hearts that help it grow back stronger and more resilient. (Can someone quote me on that in the future?  ‘Cause damn.  That was good.)

Think about that for a minute though.  In several of my previous posts, I talk about how important it is to feel all of our emotions.  That we must feel the good and the bad.  And when we fully let ourselves feel the bad, the good is just that. much. sweeter. 

Just as walking around with sore muscles is uncomfortable, walking around with an aching or broken heart is uncomfortable too.  When we work other muscles, we give them time to rest and heal.  They get a day off.  Our heart works constantly, never pausing for rest.  Literally speaking, our heart never tires.  Emotionally speaking, our heart is overworked.  

Our heart is the. most. important. muscle in our body.  We don’t judge people for exercising other parts of their body; we praise them for giving it care. So, why do we dismiss giving our heart the emotional care it needs and judge people for when they do?

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intuition.

Did you know that there is a lot of chatter in the medical community about our gut being our second brain? So when you “go with your gut” or have a “gut feeling”, there really is something to say for that. Scientists call this second brain our enteric nervous system (ENS), and it is made up of more than 100 million nerve cells 😳 that line our gastrointestinal tract from our esophagus to our rectum.

The ENS isn’t capable of thoughts as we know them coming from our brain, but it does communicate back and forth with our brain. Researchers and doctors thought that depression and anxiety contributed to the emotional shifts experienced by people who suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and functional bowel problems such as constipation and bloating. But now, they are finding evidence that the irritation in the gastrointestinal system may actually be sending signals to our central nervous system triggering mood changes. 🤯 Isn’t that interesting? Our gut may tell us when we have a digestive problem by shifting our mood.

A lot of times our intuition is reflected in a “gut feeing.” So, is intuition our brain telling our gut to react or our gut telling our brain to react?

Intuition is a form of knowledge that appears in consciousness without obvious deliberation. It is not magical but rather a faculty in which hunches are generated by the unconscious mind rapidly sifting through past experience and cumulative knowledge.

Psychology Today

We develop our intuition based on patterns. Logical knowledge certainly plays a part, but sometimes analyzing data and information doesn’t provide us with the answers we need, so we turn to our intuition for additional guidance.

I am highly sensitive to my surroundings and my emotions. When I experience something, I pick up on subtle details that others may not pay attention to, such as: the vibe in the room, smells, sounds, behaviors, and how these things make me feel. I use multiple senses to receive information, creating a strong experience that resonates personally. I then (consciously and subconsciously) deeply process this information storing it for a later date.

By having the additional information from multiple senses and deeply processing it, I’m better equipped to follow my intuition in a future similar experience. When like-situations arise, I don’t need to mull anything over. I’ve already done the analyzing. I can quickly make a decision and move on.

Since I perceive things stronger when I associate experiences with how they make me feel, my intuition arises more in something that I just know rather than in a gut feeling. My brain doesn’t need to send the signals to the nerve cells in my ENS prompting a feeling to arise. I’ve already felt all I need to feel to come to a decision.

Let me give you an example…

Dating. 🙄 When someone I know recommends I date someone, and I flat out say, “No, I’m not interested.” Follow-up remarks usually go something like this, “How do you know? You never gave him a chance. You never know until you try.” The thing is though, I do know.

Either from past interactions with the potential suitor or based on information provided to me about the potential suitor, I’ve already come to a conclusion about this guy. It’s nothing against him personally. It’s just that I pick up on all these subtle details in my interactions with people and invest a lot of time and emotion into processing those details.

When I learn about or interact with a potential suitor and I either consciously or subconsciously associate his traits to past experiences with himself or other people, I don’t need to “take a chance” on dating him. I’ve already invested energy on a like-person and determined they’re not worth my time (in a romantic capacity or otherwise), so why would this guy be? But again, it is nothing against him personally. For better or worse, this is just how my brain processes information.

Of course, our intuition isn’t full proof, and I can be wrong. But intuition is more reliable in some areas than others such as forming first impressions, detecting deception, and detecting sexual orientation – all things that are very relevant and important when pursing a romantic relationship.

People have accused me of being judgmental, having high standards, and being cold-hearted when I decline the opportunity to date someone who is likely a really great guy. But if we take being judgmental (which is based on logic and reason), having high standards, and being cold-hearted and apply these qualities in business, I would be praised for my confidence and acumen.

The ability to know myself so well that I can react intuitively on personal matters is seen negatively when my ability to react intuitively in business is seen positively. It’s a shame that this is how society has shaped our perspectives. It’s no wonder we have a hard time being true to ourselves. Emotional intelligence is so undervalued. 😒

1 Comment