Last year, I shared a biggest lesson of the year. As I aim to do the same this year, I don’t even know where to start. The past almost year and a half has been a true test of my hope and my faith. I have been able to label behaviors, see them in action, recognize patterns, and truly identify what is within my capability to control. As a result, I deeply questioned my relationships, my purpose, and my worth.
I can’t even say I was shaken to my core, because my core was shaken too. It is soul crushing to feel your life has been turned completely upside down, with everything emptied out of it. But, there’s also an element of gratitude, because you know that you’re strength training, building resilience. You no longer live in ignorance. You just know that you are leveling up to a more meaningful and fulfilling life. And that comes with learning some really hard lessons along the way.
If you’ve been following along for a while, you know that I have a thing for language and communication. Some examples I’ve posted about in the past include:
- People setting deadlines for themselves, then not delivering
- Putting something in an email, and the recipient doesn’t *actually* read it
You also know that I believe human connection is what gives us purpose, and the way we connect is through verbal and non-verbal communication. So what does it mean when our communications fail? We lose connection. Just like a dropped call.
Communication is far more complicated than we realize. We 💯 take it for granted. So many people do not say what they mean or mean what they say, and we, as a society, have accepted this as normal.
My biggest lesson of the year piggybacks on top of that concept. It is something that we’ve heard over and over and over, but this year, it resonated with me so. damn. loudly. And it is that actions speak louder than words.
Ooof. I cannot tell you how hard this hits for me right now – for multiple reasons. And one of those reasons is that I’m guilty of failing in this too. What’s worse – if I’m being completely honest, sometimes the failure is intentional, which means I didn’t have the courage to initially speak my truth. But there’s more. Sometimes actions can be misinterpreted too.
See? Complicated.
Like, I recognize that I have hyper awareness around communication, so these things probably bother me way more than it bothers other people. But as communication senders, we have a responsibility to ensure our message is delivered to the receiver, as we intended. There’s also usually an actionable follow-up that occurs upon transmission, that we fail to implement.
Let me give you an example:
I used to have a boss who was no.tor.i.ous for not returning phone calls. Everyone chalked it up to it just being “the way he is.” But as this guy’s subordinate, I felt like I was pestering him. If I was calling him, it was because I needed help. I wasn’t just calling to shoot the shit. There was a purpose. By not calling me back, his action told me that the purpose that was important to me was not important to him. Why would I want to work for someone who doesn’t think what I do is important? Who doesn’t seem to think that I am important?
Minor shit like this happens all the time. Maybe I’m the only one who pays attention to these little things. But they add up to become big things. Do you think I talk to that boss anymore? No. We lost our connection.
A lot of what we think about ourselves is tied to the feedback we receive from the people around us. While I know that someone not returning a call isn’t necessarily tied to their feelings about me, there is a conscious or subconscious choice not to click my name when the missed call is seen. And that’s what gets me. Because in repeated behavior, at some point, the decision does become intentional. Then they are choosing not to make time for you. And if they don’t consider you worth your time, why should you consider them worth yours?
Granted, I’m speaking generally and all circumstances are different. I think we are more accepting of people’s shortcomings when we love them. And at work, we typically don’t have a choice but to deal with it. This is also why I think we have accepted it as normal to not mean what we say and say what we mean.
In 2024, I didn’t work much and I didn’t have romantic love in my life. For better or worse, I really got to pay attention to all the simple and subtle ways people fail to communicate. Even though I know it’s not truly a reflection of me, it became hard not to take the feedback personally due to the sheer frequency in which it occurs, by the same person or by many people.
My goal for 2025 is mixed. I want to go into with awareness, but not hyper awareness. I want to hold people accountable for what they say, but within reason. And I want to be more conscious of what I communicate and how I communicate, and I pray for the courage to vulnerably speak my truth.
