Circumstances have arisen over the past several months that have caused me to re-evaluate certain relationships. As a result, I’ve created new boundaries with people who I didn’t feel recognized my full worth. These decisions did not come lightly, and I’m still having a hard time coping with the changes.
In only one of these circumstances was there a pretty clear cut of ties. The others have been pretty much just my decision with no discussion about the state of the relationship. In talking these changes out with a friend, she asked, “Why don’t you talk to them about it?” And I responded, “It won’t do me any good.” Then she asked, “Why do you think it won’t do you any good?” I didn’t have an answer for her at the time, because it was something I just knew. But I want to understand why this was something I just knew.
In Brené Brown’s podcast with Dr. Harriet Lerner, they talk about apologizing: how to apologize and why it matters. Dr. Lerner said a few things that struck me:
- When you are apologizing, “focus on how you feel, not the other person’s crime sheet.”
- Do not ask for or demand an apology.
- If you need a response, then you are not ready for the conversation. (Basically, if you’re depending on the conversation to provide explanation, you’re on dangerous ground. I would argue, setting yourself up for disappointment.)
These statements kind of exactly sum up why I feel it won’t do me any good to talk things out with the people I’ve shifted my relationships.
- I do not want an apology. To me, it is clear that they are oblivious of how or how deeply they hurt me, and that is evident in their subsequent actions and behavior. The apology (if I got one) wouldn’t be genuine.
- Since they are oblivious to how they’ve been treating me, pointing it out would just be calling out their crime. In turn, they would get defensive and start slinging insults toward me. They would feel accused rather than taking responsibility for their actions/behavior. As was said in the podcast, they would answer “blame with blame and shame with shame.”
- I’ve known some of these people a long time. I know their attitudes. I instinctively know what their responses would be if I brought the topic up in conversation based on past experiences. (And I would be setting myself up for disappointment.)
- They’ve moved on, which shows me how little care they had invested in the first place. (In the situation and/or the relationship.)
With the people who I instinctively know how they’d respond, I’m actually having an easier time coming to terms with the new state of those relationships, over the one where ties were cut. It goes to show me that if I instinctively knew that talking something difficult out with them wasn’t going to do anyone any good, then this behavior has been going on long enough for me to. be. intuitive. about it – which only gives me more confidence in my decision to shift the status of the relationships.
One might argue that I am also avoiding having tough conversations with people I supposedly care about. And that’s partly true. But I know my audience. When we know a road leads to a dead end, we don’t drive down it just to double check. In the relationship where ties were cut, I turned back when I saw the sign (literally and figuratively).
While each relationship shift has come with a sense of loss, there’s also a sense of empowerment behind the shift.
I’m garnering my strength and taking charge of how I want to be treated. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. Will they even notice I’ve become more distant? If so, will they care enough to question why? If not, at least, I will know where I stand. And that will likely be a hard truth to face.
With each of these relationships, I’m trying to accept ambiguity in closure. Relationships are matters of the heart. Although many of these relationships are still in tact, it’s the loss of the previous state of the relationship that I am grieving.
Defining these boundaries is a step toward living an impeccable life. I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone and braving the wilderness on my own. And it’s pretty F’ing scary. We. need. our. tribes.
But every hunter/gatherer leaves the tribe to find food and fiber. Right now, I am simply on the hunt for more fulfilling relationships. I’m hypersensitive to my surroundings (how I am being treated). And that’s okay. This is where we learn, we grow, and we test our skills. The better hunter I am, the better game I will capture. (Understanding how I want to be treated and establishing those boundaries upfront in a new relationship will bring a better quality of relationship.)
So, while I might think that it won’t do me any good to discuss the state of these relationships with others who are involved, that’s true in the sense of those particular relationships. But good will come in new relationships that get built, whether that’s on an existing foundation or an entirely new one.
