by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

The Burdens We Carry.

Research has discovered that COVID, literally, changed the world. No doubt. Although we seem to be out of it, the past few years have been hard. In the beginning, I tried to make the most of it. But seemingly, the hits that shook me just kept coming. When you fundamentally believe in things, and those beliefs are constantly being tested, it leaves you a bit rattled.

Most of my followers here know me personally. You know my beliefs, my values, my interests, my work, and my involvement with the community. Although some of us have different views, you know my intentions are genuinely good. We are friends with mutual respect, and we can agree to disagree. We understand that discussing differences is what broadens our perspectives, and I so appreciate the opportunity to have open, kind, and inquisitive dialogue. Unfortunately, what I see in the world is differences dividing. And it makes me sad that we cannot learn from one another, because we are too close-minded to consider opposing viewpoints as different – not wrong, just different.

The more you understand yourself, the easier it is to understand others. For me, the past few years have been a lot about self-discovery. While I didn’t always like what I saw in myself, it really opened my eyes to what I do not like in others. And this has been a very harsh reality to face. People do not sit with their discomfort. They do not learn from their mistakes. They don’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes. They think other people owe them things, and they blame others for their faults – the list can go on. Generally, people focus on the outside world to bring them satisfaction rather than looking inward to satisfy themselves.

Philosopher Epictetus said, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views in which they take of things.” If these last few years have taught me anything, it is that controlling the view in which I take of things is far more difficult than one would anticipate. It’s not surprising to me that people avoid sitting with their discomfort, do not learn from their mistakes, don’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes, think others owe them things, and blame others for their faults. Trying to get through and overcome what life throws at you can be F’ing hard.

I used to think living in the Information Age was a great thing. On one hand, I still do. On the other hand, the information we are fed is constantly negative. We should be more, do more, look better, eat healthier, yada, yada. None of these things are bad things, per se; they are standards to strive for in many respects. But they’re not individual and personal goals, they are collective societal standards telling us we are not enough. When you are fed this sort of messaging daily, it takes a lot of inner work to control the view in which you take it.

To summarize life over the past few years, fatigue is the word that comes to mind. The world has been …. chaotic, and I feel like my brain has been working overtime while trying to make sense of what is happening around me. It’s a lot to receive a constant barrage of messaging, then subsequently decipher what is within my ability to control and alter my view to come to some form of contentment with things as. they. are.

Since the start of the pandemic, it has been one thing after another, many being these existential things that can fundamentally change our lives that have become extremely heavy burdens to carry. And I don’t know about you, but I’ve been walking around with some of them for three years. I’m tired.

We have to reflect on the load we carry individually and assess accordingly. My load my be heavier than some people’s and lighter than others, but everyone needs a break sometimes. At some point, we have to take a load off. You may not agree with which bag I choose to drop, but it’s also not up to you to judge or decide, not knowing the other bags I carry.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Politics.

Leadership is about rising above our lower self.  Leaders set aside their own discomfort to make something more bearable for the other person.  This creates the opposite of divide. It creates connection. And that’s been proven in psychology and neuroscience.

I haven’t watched much of the political debates, because I don’t need to – nor do I want to.  All the debates seem to be is a blame and shame game anyway.  We don’t need more of that in our polarized society.  We need leaders who say, “I’m sorry Mr. Presidential Nominee that you feel I haven’t done enough for the American people.  But let me tell you how I plan to help them when I get elected into office.” Blame and shame only adds fuel to the fire.  This answer acknowledges their feelings as legitimate and stifles the negative energy, then shifts the narrative to a hopeful future for the American people. (Where it should be.)

But this is typical politics. 🙄 An unfortunate circumstance is that we watch this unfold and mimic their behavior.  If people in positions of power and influence answer blame with blame and shame with shame, then that must be okay.  Then the people who look up to us see us demonstrating this behavior and assume that it’s okay.  It all filters downward.

I have several friends whose political beliefs firmly oppose my own.  I value these friendships, because they offer me perspective.  We can tease one another, but we never blame and shame.  We understand each other as people with good hearts, who want the best for this country. 

Best is subjective on so many factors in our individual lives.  If I can appreciate all those factors that created this unique human being who brings value to my life on all sorts of other levels, then I need to appreciate that those factors led him or her to their political beliefs too. You can’t have one without the other. We should be accepting of each other whole, perceived flaws and all.

I was once seeing this guy, and we were in that phase where you’re more than just friends but not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend.  The relationship was kind of at a standstill in this space, so I asked, “Where are we going with this relationship?” And he responded, “What relationship?”

First of all, that answer told me ev.er.y.thing. I needed to know about where he stood (and consequently, where I stood). Needless to say, that ended. 😂

He had such a close-minded view. A relationship exists with every person in which we interact. (Remember intimate, relational, and community?) Relationship itself is a noun. It’s a thing, right? But it requires action to make it a thing. Without connecting, binding, or relating, the relationship doesn’t exist. You’re just left with separate things.

Leadership starts with oneself. We can’t judge our politicians for answering blame with blame and shame with shame when we do the same thing. If we don’t like the polarization within our society, then we need to reflect on how we are contributing to it. There is a reason why people say, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” But realistically, we can’t do it alone.

In the day-to-day, most of us don’t interact with the Presidential Nominees. Most of us don’t even interact with our local elected officials. A relationship doesn’t really exist, unless you choose to pursue one. (Which I encourage you to do!) But elections do give you an interactive opportunity. And relationships do exist with your peers.

Show up in these relationships. Be an active participant. When there’s a mutual understanding and joint effort, together you make relationships work. And generally speaking, isn’t that just kind of how elections work? You show up to the polls, you communicate via your ballot, and collective voices influence the future of your relationship with government.

So don’t just be a thing! Engage! Be humble, and be kind. 💖

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Self-Betrayal.

I think most of us would agree that we are not in the practice of self-betrayal.  We don’t intentionally do things or make decisions that would purposefully bring us harm.  Except we do make decisions that unintentionally do bring us harm.

When we are presented with a choice, we have the option of honoring our morals, values, beliefs, desires, etc. or betraying them.  When you make the “right” decision, there are usually positive side effects.  When you make the “wrong” decision, it can lead to all sorts of negative effects.

I was recently presented with a choice.  A very big decision had to be made and there were a lot of moving parts.  I chose to move forward, because I didn’t want to be excluded and let other people down.  While there were definitely benefits to being involved, deep down, from the very beginning, I knew this was not what I wanted.  

Guilt is a feeling generated by personal accountability for making a poor decision.  Shame is a feeling of not enough, that we are flawed and unworthy.  Not only did I feel guilty for choosing to move forward, but I also spiraled through a shame storm.  There were constant reminders that this was not what I wanted, and the toll of each of those reminders shamed me into emotional turmoil.  I was ignoring all of the red flags. 🚩

This was a very big lesson for me in learning to live impeccably.  I went against everything I knew to do, because I was too afraid to step outside the security of my circle.  But not only that, I was feeling guilted and shamed for wanting to step outside my circle!  There’s a lot more to this story, and the intentions on both sides were genuinely good.  But either choice in this decision led to hurt. This was a really shitty position to be in. Ultimately, my choices were these:

  1. Be involved – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future but not hurt the people I care about.
  2. Not participate – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future and hurt the people I care about.

After lots and lots, and lots of thinking, I chose to stay true to my commitment, even though it really wasn’t what I wanted.  The initial hurt will fade, and I will be less angry over time.  There will be discomforts along the way, but I’m choosing to believe that they will be moments to test my growth.  

I believe I made the “right” decision, because my heart was in the right place. If I was going to hurt myself either way, I might as well hurt myself and not hurt the people I care about.

Choosing to participate actually gave me more control over the situation. If I hurt the people I care about, I can’t control how they manage their emotions, and relationships could suffer. But I know I have the strength to manage my emotions. Although it hurts like hell, relationships are still in tact. While they may take on a different shape in the future, I am choosing to create those boundaries.

So often I write about the power of choice, and the ability to control what you can control.  At some point though, we are faced with a decision that isn’t good for anyone.  At the time, will you choose to be selfish or selfless?