by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Mistakes.

The beauty of being human is that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes.  In fact, I think learning from our mistakes helps build our character.  We have a right to our opinions, and we have a right to change our minds.

Humans. are. imperfect.  We all make mistakes.

Why is that we are so judgmental and misunderstanding when someone makes a mistake?  We become critical and accusatory of others, completely ignoring the fact that we, ourselves, also make mistakes.

In today’s media, (social and mainstream), we only see/hear/read snippets of stories.  I can’t tell you all about food safety in a 30-minute video, let alone a 30 second video that may hold your attention. For you to come to a conclusion about the safety of your food, even in a series of multiple 30 second videos is unreasonable.  Yet, this is exactly how we perceive something as true and accurate, when majority of necessary context has gone unwritten or unspoken.  

With the editing tools and hacks that are so widely available, really, we can never be 100% sure that what we see/hear/read in media is factual.  Not only is this why media literacy has become so important, but it also validates our need to be more empathetic as a society.  Just because we can use media as mindless entertainment doesn’t mean we should always consume it as. mindless. media.

The same concept applies to situations IRL.  There are few things we should take at face value, especially in times of crisis.  

If we think about this in terms of COVID.  The CDC first recommended not using a mask, then later came back with the recommendation, and the state of California made masks mandatory in public spaces.  I wouldn’t actually call this a mistake by the CDC, so much as they changed their mind as more scientific information became available. 

I critically judged the CDC for this.  As the most reliable source for information on public health, I felt they should get it right before publicizing.  But at the same time, I defend our use of pesticides until new science becomes available, and we learn that certain pesticides may no longer be safe.  I cannot make the exception for my belief, because it is my belief.  

Most of us act with genuinely good intentions, and our comments or actions get taken out of context or misunderstood without seeing the big picture. Whether in media or real-life, there is always more to a story. 

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Grief.

Suffering is part of human existence.  This is fact.  Every person in the world has lost something of significance and gone into a process of grieving.  Grief takes on different forms for different people.  Some numb pain; some deny through avoidance, and some lean into the pain.  Loss is unavoidable. 

Grief comes after loss, and psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross believed that there are 5 stages of grief.  They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There has been criticisms of this grief theory among social scientists.  I don’t love it or hate it.  I do think grief is a process, but I don’t necessarily think there is a structure (that we grieve in this consecutive order).  Grief affects us all differently, and we all manage it differently.  It is an incredibly powerful emotion that has physical, social, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual affects.  

David Kessler said, we lost the world as we know it because of COVID.  I don’t think it’s extreme to consider we as a collective society and we as individuals are experiencing grief due to the loss of our pre-COVID lives.

On a frustrating day, I live in COVID denial.  On a bad day, I live in COVID depression.  On a hopeful day, I live in COVID bargaining.  On a melancholy day, I live in COVID acceptance.  On a sad day, I live in COVID anger. 

Notice how I didn’t say “on a good day”?  Yeah, that was on purpose. 😔  It’s hard to see the good in grief.  COVID has fundamentally changed our society and that is having profound effects on our well-being.  We are culturally going through transformational change.  It has been abrupt, dramatic, problematic, and traumatic.  

While time may heal all wounds, scars are left behind – reminders of what we loss and subsequent negative emotions when we pay attention to those reminders.  But with COVID, at least for me, I guess I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.  A return to pre-COVID “normal” seems so far away.  We are six months into this global pandemic, and my wounds are still healing.   

I’m fortunate to understand what’s going on (for the most part).  I know myself well enough to know when I need special or extra care.  As someone who suffered from depression in the past, I know that I am in a vulnerable state.  I’ve had to make conscious and concerted efforts to give my mind, body, and soul the care it needs to sustain this discomfort for the foreseeable future.  

I feel like what makes the recovery part of COVID grief so difficult is that we do not have the outlets or ability to lean into the connections we desperately need to get us through these difficult times – at least in California. 😒 And what we are able to do, we must do with half our face covered – preventing us from receiving non-verbal cues from those with whom we communicate.

Like so many things we encounter in our lives, we often have a hard time accepting things for what they are when those things are beyond our control. While I logically understand this global pandemic, my emotional side is having a hard time coming to terms with it.

While I may not agree with the consecutive order in which we grieve, I do believe that acceptance is the last stage. Some days I accept COVID for what it is (on that particular day), but I have not accepted it for what it has done (personally and economically). I have not accepted the mental and behavioral health ramifications that are stemming from it (individually and collectively), nor have I accepted with the ability to move on.

Like scars from wounds that have healed, acceptance does not mean that all of our negative feelings magically disappear. Reminders still exist. When we push too hard, stitches can come undone. Infections can arise. We are. still. in. the healing process. Acceptance does not come within a specific timeframe. And even when the wounds have healed, sometimes it truly does become living in a “new normal.”

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Loneliness – Part 2

It’s been 4 months since I wrote this post on loneliness, and 6 months since this pandemic dramatically altered our lives.  I think most of us would agree, we did not expect it to be so impactful and last. this. long.  

If you’ve been following along here for a while, you may have noticed that I love learning about how our emotions develop through chemical reactions in our brains.  Here are a few things I’ve learned in my reading of Together by Dr. Vivek Murthy:

  • Our brain has two networks: one for social processing and one for non-social processing.
    • When we are done performing a task (non-social processing), our brain immediately switches back to social thinking.  So even when we’re just kicking back and relaxing, our brain is preparing for social interactions.  
  • The prefrontal cortex is a selfish portion of our brain, active when we are “self-processing.”  However, this part of the brain is also active when we turn our attention to others. Meaning: we define ourselves as we interact with others.  

We are literally wired to socially connect.  Relationships are as functional to our being as food and water.  Just like when we go without those needs, there are physical and behavioral ramifications when we go without social connection:

  • When our ancestors were hunter-gatherers and one became isolated from their tribe, hypervigilance would set in. Hypervigilance is a state of increased alertness that puts a lot of stress on the body and is not sustainable for long periods of time.  Over time, hypervigilance became embedded in our nervous systems to produce anxiety that we associate with loneliness.  The stress on a body due to loneliness over long periods of time can lead to heart disease and other chronic illnesses.
  • Emotional and physical pain are processed by the brain in similar ways.  “The sensory fibers that register emotional and physical pain overlap in the brain.”     

What is even. more. fascinating is that quality of connection matters.

If you remember, there are 3 dimensions of loneliness based on the types of relationships we have:

  1. Intimate – emotional connection
  2. Relational – social connections
  3. Collective – community connections

We need all 3 to positively affect our well-being.  You can’t have more of one and expect it to balance out the others.  

What concerns me about this pandemic is that really, none of us are getting the collective engagement that we need, and only some of us are getting the relational connections we need.  If we are getting relational connections, it’s probably inadequate since so many activities that we would typically engage in with these friends have been extremely limited too.  Most of us are only fulfilling our intimate connections.  Some of us aren’t even getting that either. (Hi. 👋🏼 Yeah.  I’m single. 🙄)

In order for us to develop strong connections with our caregivers, as babies, we perform perceptual narrowing. Perceptual narrowing is when babies start to favor faces of their family’s race and ethnicity.  They do this to hone their focus on their caregivers’ subtle cues and nuances to build a strong a relationship, secure attachment, and to bond, love, and build trust.

The intricacies of our natural, chemical make-up and the profound human connections that result from them are unmatchable by even the most sophisticated artificial intelligence. Technology cannot replace face-to-face communication.  Phone calls, text messages, and Zoom meetings are not fulfilling our need to connect.

Add in the mask mandate, and it gets worse, in my opinion.  You’re not receiving all the subtle non-verbal cues in a face-to-face conversation when half your face is covered.  

When we feel socially disconnected, we often feel unknown.

Dr. Vivek Murthy

While self-care is critical during this pandemic, it starts with self-awareness. Pay attention to your mind, body, and soul. Indulge when you need to indulge and make no apologies. Remember you are at the base of your leadership pyramid. A building can collapse from a weak foundation. We have to be strong for ourselves and for others.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Compassion.

Remember when I said 2020 would be epic?  I wasn’t really wrong, was I? 🤦🏻‍♀️ But this definitely wasn’t what I had in mind either.  It’s been such an interesting year so far, and we’re only half way through.

Whether I like it or not, I’m finally starting to settle into this “new normal”.  (A term I am also actually coming to hate.)  It’s been an adjustment, that is for. sure.  And really, I don’t have it nearly as bad as a lot of people.  But that’s not to discount the challenges I have faced during this transition; I’ve definitely been fighting some battles.  Still, I can’t help but feel a bit selfish for indulging in my own sorrows.  Brené Brown calls this “comparative suffering.”  

Comparative suffering is when you minimize someone else’s challenges in comparison to your own – or vice versa.  

I think it’s really important to remind ourselves that we are in. the. midst. of a global pandemic!  We all have a right to feel what we feel, as the experience and ripple effects have affected us all so differently.

Epic is defined as “extending beyond the usual or ordinary in size or scope.” I think this qualifies! 😂 There is so. much. happening beyond the usual and out of the ordinary, not just globally and collectively but individually and personally too.

I think the cure for comparative suffering is empathy and compassion.  We may not fully understand the struggles someone else is facing, but we can definitely tap into the struggles we are facing to relate.  And it’s not just about being compassionate with others, it’s also showing compassion to yourself.  

Brené Brown has a great little video on the difference between sympathy and empathy. But it also includes compassion, although it’s not specifically addressed. Here’s how I would describe the differences:

  • Sympathy – “I see you.”
  • Empathy – “I understand you.”
  • Compassion – “I will help you.”

The deer is demonstrating sympathy. The bear demonstrates empathy by looking into himself and reflecting on something that gives him the same feeling. Going into the hole, sitting with the fox, lending an ear, and giving a hug, that is compassion.

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by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Insecurity.

I had a conversation with a friend who said he has no insecurities.  Now, given this specific person, I get why he would think that.  He is not short on self-confidence, that is for sure. 💁🏻‍♂️ But insecurity can rear it’s ugly head in a lot of different forms.  He is confident in his abilities.  But insecurity can be driven by a lot of outside factors too. When he was unsure of the stock market, he pulled out.  If he was not confident that the market was going to perform well and reacted to the instability out of fear of losing money, is that not insecure? 

Insecure is defined as: deficient in assurance, not confident, not stable or well-adjusted.  Basically, we can be insecure about anything that we are not sure of.  If there is doubt, there is insecurity.

In any event…

It is suggested that recent life events make up 40% of our “happiness quotient.” 40%! 😳

“The biggest negative contributor to happiness is the ending of a relationship, followed by the death of a spouse, job loss, and negative health events.”

Dr. Melanie Greenberg

All of those examples constitute loss: loss of a relationship, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of health.  If we look at this through the lens of COVID, we’ve lost a lot.  So if you’re feeling a little insecure during this pandemic, you are not alone!  There are so. many. things. to be unsure of during this time.

Back in February, I went to the Touchstone Central Coast Leading with Love conference where the woman behind Happier, Nataly Kogan, spoke with us.  I recently saw this on her Instagram, and I think it is a helpful reminder that there is reason for our heightened insecurity during this time.

Insecurity can also be driven by perfectionism. What Nataly outlines is the fear of not enough. And while we may not consider ourselves perfectionists, if we’ve ever fallen into the trap of not enough, it may be time to reality check our expectations and what we are measuring them up to. Even if we are measuring our expectations up to our pre-pandemic conditions, reality. check. ✅ Pre-pandemic and “amidst a pandemic” are completely different animals.

It’s okay to feel melancholy.  It’s okay to feel lonely. It’s okay to feel insecure.  We are adjusting to a new normal, give yourself time to adjust and adapt!  It’s important to find joy in little wins all the time, but even more so now.  This is uncharted territory for us all.  Be kind to others, and be kind to yourself.  This too shall pass. 🙏🏼

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Melancholy.

Melancholy is defined as a “depression of spirits” or a “pensive mood.”  I want to focus on the former definition, because I feel like that’s exactly what we’re experiencing as humans right now.  At least, I am.

In Brené Brown’s new podcast, she talks with David Kessler on grief and finding meaning.  Kessler says that grief comes after loss.  That loss can be anything of significance to the individual.  He points out that during this pandemic, we could list a 100 different things that we have lost: our social lives, our ability to converge in public, physical touch (as simple as a handshake), and the big one: the world as we knew it.

The world as we knew it no longer exists.  That. Is. HUGE. 🤯  And he is right.  It no longer exists and will not exist as we knew it for the foreseeable future, if ever.  You guys. 😳 That is some heavy stuff to take in.

If we breakdown the definition of melancholy:

  • Depression = sadness
  • Spirit = temper, disposition, or essence

This makes so. much. sense. to me.  I’ll explain why in a minute.

But first, on COVID:

Some of us haven’t bought into the hype. Some of us think this is media manipulation and a ploy to take down Trump’s economy.  On the other hand, some of us truly believe in the dangers and efforts to prevent.  Some of us are genuinely concerned about the risk.  And there are some of us that fall somewhere in the middle. 

No matter where you stand on the COVID belief scale, all of us are making an effort to do what we feel in our hearts is right.  Whether that is going to the grocery store without a mask or putting on a hazmat suit to visit the doctor’s office, each of us is navigating through this in our own way.

Outwardly, we are putting on brave faces.  We are being strong for those around us.  We are trying to lift each other up.  No matter our beliefs on COVID, we are trying to protect each other as a community, as we individually see fit.  But inwardly, we are mourning the loss of the world as we knew it. 

The positivity that is emitting from this pandemic has surprised me.  While I think it’s amazing the way people are coming together to spread joy and appreciation, part of me is concerned that we are masking our grief and not coping with our losses.  But I’m not judging that either.  I think so many of us are merely just trying to get through this thing with some sanity.

In the meantime, we are living in purgatory.  We are trying to lift others up, because we are feeling down.  We are trying to bring happiness to others, because our spirits are sad. 

We can only put on a brave face for so long, so give yourself permission to feel what you feel.  The sooner we own it and feel it, the quicker we can work through it.  We get through purgatory by cleansing our souls of the impurities.  Indulge in self-care, friends.  Lord knows we need it, and we’ve earned it. 💖