by : lacylit10 Entrepreneurship, Life Lessons

The Humbling Kind of Hard.

“Choose your hard.” A phrase, I think, coined by Mel Robbins. While the obstacles we run into are typically not our choice, how we respond to those obstacles is within our control. 

A while back, I mentioned that I felt I was breaking when I quit my job. Several months later, that is more true now than it was then. 

I am not someone who typically makes unplanned decisions or doesn’t have a back-up plan. But I followed my intuition in that decision, and I know it was ultimately for the better. When everyone told me I was not going to have any trouble finding another job, I also knew that wasn’t going to be true. But I was certain that God was going to be doing some serious work in my life.

Although I did not know what to expect, I can’t say I was prepared for this. That’s just how He works, isn’t it? 

On many levels, my basic needs are not being met. I feel weak. I feel insecure. I feel vulnerable. I feel scared. Uncertain. Somedays, I feel pathetic and desperate. I feel withdrawn and lonely. I feel closed and distant. I feel trapped. Like, none of these are good or positive things to feel. And the more time goes on, the harder it is becoming not to fall into a pessimistic view and spiral into a depression.

Every once in a while, I do feel glimmers of hope and strength. But this weekend I was reminded of something I said way back in 2020. This is a mood I need to seriously lean into.

So, yesterday, I literally spent the entire day feeling sorry for myself. I can’t tell you how many times I broke into tears. I did a little bit of work, but I spent most of the day curled up on the couch binge watching Vanderpump Rules. I leaned into the bad and negative emotions hard. And it felt good to be unapologetically miserable. I didn’t have to put on a smile or a brave face for anyone. I didn’t have to be confident in selling my business services. I didn’t have to pretend to be anything else or feel anything else. I let myself feel as weak, vulnerable, and insecure as I possibly could.

I had been becoming more emotional over the past few weeks, because, I realized, I had been bottling up my emotions for too long. I needed a big, heavy, ugly cry. I needed to get it all out of my system so that I could have renewed strength to continue carrying on. 

I do, however, want to recognize that this experience hasn’t been all bad. I have had a lot of meetings with a lot of people. People are putting me in touch with others and word is spreading about what I am doing. A lot of people are helping me. A lot of people want to work with me. I’m not really getting “no”. But this has been a long process of meeting with a lot of people and not getting the “yes” answers that will replenish my needs.

The most recent obstacles of my past have been challenges. Obstacles to overcome in the effort to achieve or advance is one type of hard. When the obstacles you face stem from loss of basic needs, it’s a humbling type of hard. A stern reminder that the obstacles we face are not a choice, but how we respond to them is a test of our faith, our values, our morals, and our character.

This. is. only. temporary. I can choose to give up on this dream, continuing to avoid the magic or I can choose the hard that leads to belonging. If the first step is the hardest, then there’s no turning back now.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Spirit.

If you remember, melancholy is defined as a “sadness or depression of mind or spirit.” As we are well. over. 6 months into this pandemic, melancholy seems to still accurately describe my mood. I feel like my spirit is curled up in the fetal position, tucked away in a small corner of my heart. It’s gone into hibernation through this pandemic, and I am consciously sad that my spirit is depressed.

Regardless of political beliefs, the fact is that our government is dictating what we can do, how we can do it, and with whom we can associate. People need people, and we are literally being told to stay away from each other. If we look at the 3 dimensions of loneliness in a pie graph, we need connection with those in our intimate, relational, and collective spaces in order to feel whole. But our relational and collective spaces have been pushed into non-existence, we are only getting a small sliver of the connection we need.

Research has found that one does not voluntarily become lonely. When we feel on the verge (or in the midst) of social isolation, it increases our motivation to connect with others while also increasing our motivation to go into self-preservation. In other words, isolation makes us feel vulnerable. While we crave interaction with others, we also feel more susceptible to social threats. Our bodies and minds are not meant to sustain social isolation for long periods of time. Loneliness can increase physical and psychiatric risk factors including, but not limited to: depression, alcoholism, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, high blood pressure, diminished immunity, and decreased sleep.

I am not trying to downplay the severity of this virus, but I am genuinely concerned about the long-term effects this is going to have on us, as social beings. Forget about what everyone else is or isn’t doing; what they should or shouldn’t do. What do you need? What do you want? What do you feel?

Strip away all of the noise, and listen to your inner self. Great leaders look inside and heal their own hearts, before they lead outward to help others heal theirs.

Lorenz Sell wrote a piece on the human Spirit for the Huffington Post and said, “The human spirit offers us the capacity to persevere in pursuit of truth.” He defines truth as “the deepest desire in our heart.” So, the human spirit offers us the capacity to persevere in pursuit of the deepest desire in our heart.

Well, that’s just great. 😒 How is my human spirit supposed to persevere when it has gone into hiding?

The answer: My spirit is not actually hiding, it is taking time to heal.

My little spirit has been persevering through the last, what? 9 months of a global pandemic. It’s like, “I’m tired. Give me some time to re-energize.” And that’s okay. It’s the pause that keeps us alive.

Sells continues, “Not knowing how to move forward, being stuck in limbo. It’s painful and can make the strongest person want to quit.” While, yes, we have vaccines, we are still a long way away from returning to any sort of “normal.” People will be recovering from this pandemic, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, etc. well beyond 2021.

If your spirit needs a break, give it a break. Lean into the sad and melancholy emotions for a while. The only way to get through those negative feelings is to embrace them, so we can move on from them. Some of us may need to stay with the negative emotions longer than others, and that’s okay too. But be mindful of how you care for yourself. If you are going to embrace the sad, do not eat junk food. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables, get exercise, step outside for fresh air. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to cope with a depressed spirit.

Hang in there, friends. 💖

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Grief.

Suffering is part of human existence.  This is fact.  Every person in the world has lost something of significance and gone into a process of grieving.  Grief takes on different forms for different people.  Some numb pain; some deny through avoidance, and some lean into the pain.  Loss is unavoidable. 

Grief comes after loss, and psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross believed that there are 5 stages of grief.  They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There has been criticisms of this grief theory among social scientists.  I don’t love it or hate it.  I do think grief is a process, but I don’t necessarily think there is a structure (that we grieve in this consecutive order).  Grief affects us all differently, and we all manage it differently.  It is an incredibly powerful emotion that has physical, social, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual affects.  

David Kessler said, we lost the world as we know it because of COVID.  I don’t think it’s extreme to consider we as a collective society and we as individuals are experiencing grief due to the loss of our pre-COVID lives.

On a frustrating day, I live in COVID denial.  On a bad day, I live in COVID depression.  On a hopeful day, I live in COVID bargaining.  On a melancholy day, I live in COVID acceptance.  On a sad day, I live in COVID anger. 

Notice how I didn’t say “on a good day”?  Yeah, that was on purpose. 😔  It’s hard to see the good in grief.  COVID has fundamentally changed our society and that is having profound effects on our well-being.  We are culturally going through transformational change.  It has been abrupt, dramatic, problematic, and traumatic.  

While time may heal all wounds, scars are left behind – reminders of what we loss and subsequent negative emotions when we pay attention to those reminders.  But with COVID, at least for me, I guess I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.  A return to pre-COVID “normal” seems so far away.  We are six months into this global pandemic, and my wounds are still healing.   

I’m fortunate to understand what’s going on (for the most part).  I know myself well enough to know when I need special or extra care.  As someone who suffered from depression in the past, I know that I am in a vulnerable state.  I’ve had to make conscious and concerted efforts to give my mind, body, and soul the care it needs to sustain this discomfort for the foreseeable future.  

I feel like what makes the recovery part of COVID grief so difficult is that we do not have the outlets or ability to lean into the connections we desperately need to get us through these difficult times – at least in California. 😒 And what we are able to do, we must do with half our face covered – preventing us from receiving non-verbal cues from those with whom we communicate.

Like so many things we encounter in our lives, we often have a hard time accepting things for what they are when those things are beyond our control. While I logically understand this global pandemic, my emotional side is having a hard time coming to terms with it.

While I may not agree with the consecutive order in which we grieve, I do believe that acceptance is the last stage. Some days I accept COVID for what it is (on that particular day), but I have not accepted it for what it has done (personally and economically). I have not accepted the mental and behavioral health ramifications that are stemming from it (individually and collectively), nor have I accepted with the ability to move on.

Like scars from wounds that have healed, acceptance does not mean that all of our negative feelings magically disappear. Reminders still exist. When we push too hard, stitches can come undone. Infections can arise. We are. still. in. the healing process. Acceptance does not come within a specific timeframe. And even when the wounds have healed, sometimes it truly does become living in a “new normal.”

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intuition.

Did you know that there is a lot of chatter in the medical community about our gut being our second brain? So when you “go with your gut” or have a “gut feeling”, there really is something to say for that. Scientists call this second brain our enteric nervous system (ENS), and it is made up of more than 100 million nerve cells 😳 that line our gastrointestinal tract from our esophagus to our rectum.

The ENS isn’t capable of thoughts as we know them coming from our brain, but it does communicate back and forth with our brain. Researchers and doctors thought that depression and anxiety contributed to the emotional shifts experienced by people who suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and functional bowel problems such as constipation and bloating. But now, they are finding evidence that the irritation in the gastrointestinal system may actually be sending signals to our central nervous system triggering mood changes. 🤯 Isn’t that interesting? Our gut may tell us when we have a digestive problem by shifting our mood.

A lot of times our intuition is reflected in a “gut feeing.” So, is intuition our brain telling our gut to react or our gut telling our brain to react?

Intuition is a form of knowledge that appears in consciousness without obvious deliberation. It is not magical but rather a faculty in which hunches are generated by the unconscious mind rapidly sifting through past experience and cumulative knowledge.

Psychology Today

We develop our intuition based on patterns. Logical knowledge certainly plays a part, but sometimes analyzing data and information doesn’t provide us with the answers we need, so we turn to our intuition for additional guidance.

I am highly sensitive to my surroundings and my emotions. When I experience something, I pick up on subtle details that others may not pay attention to, such as: the vibe in the room, smells, sounds, behaviors, and how these things make me feel. I use multiple senses to receive information, creating a strong experience that resonates personally. I then (consciously and subconsciously) deeply process this information storing it for a later date.

By having the additional information from multiple senses and deeply processing it, I’m better equipped to follow my intuition in a future similar experience. When like-situations arise, I don’t need to mull anything over. I’ve already done the analyzing. I can quickly make a decision and move on.

Since I perceive things stronger when I associate experiences with how they make me feel, my intuition arises more in something that I just know rather than in a gut feeling. My brain doesn’t need to send the signals to the nerve cells in my ENS prompting a feeling to arise. I’ve already felt all I need to feel to come to a decision.

Let me give you an example…

Dating. 🙄 When someone I know recommends I date someone, and I flat out say, “No, I’m not interested.” Follow-up remarks usually go something like this, “How do you know? You never gave him a chance. You never know until you try.” The thing is though, I do know.

Either from past interactions with the potential suitor or based on information provided to me about the potential suitor, I’ve already come to a conclusion about this guy. It’s nothing against him personally. It’s just that I pick up on all these subtle details in my interactions with people and invest a lot of time and emotion into processing those details.

When I learn about or interact with a potential suitor and I either consciously or subconsciously associate his traits to past experiences with himself or other people, I don’t need to “take a chance” on dating him. I’ve already invested energy on a like-person and determined they’re not worth my time (in a romantic capacity or otherwise), so why would this guy be? But again, it is nothing against him personally. For better or worse, this is just how my brain processes information.

Of course, our intuition isn’t full proof, and I can be wrong. But intuition is more reliable in some areas than others such as forming first impressions, detecting deception, and detecting sexual orientation – all things that are very relevant and important when pursing a romantic relationship.

People have accused me of being judgmental, having high standards, and being cold-hearted when I decline the opportunity to date someone who is likely a really great guy. But if we take being judgmental (which is based on logic and reason), having high standards, and being cold-hearted and apply these qualities in business, I would be praised for my confidence and acumen.

The ability to know myself so well that I can react intuitively on personal matters is seen negatively when my ability to react intuitively in business is seen positively. It’s a shame that this is how society has shaped our perspectives. It’s no wonder we have a hard time being true to ourselves. Emotional intelligence is so undervalued. 😒

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by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Melancholy.

Melancholy is defined as a “depression of spirits” or a “pensive mood.”  I want to focus on the former definition, because I feel like that’s exactly what we’re experiencing as humans right now.  At least, I am.

In Brené Brown’s new podcast, she talks with David Kessler on grief and finding meaning.  Kessler says that grief comes after loss.  That loss can be anything of significance to the individual.  He points out that during this pandemic, we could list a 100 different things that we have lost: our social lives, our ability to converge in public, physical touch (as simple as a handshake), and the big one: the world as we knew it.

The world as we knew it no longer exists.  That. Is. HUGE. 🤯  And he is right.  It no longer exists and will not exist as we knew it for the foreseeable future, if ever.  You guys. 😳 That is some heavy stuff to take in.

If we breakdown the definition of melancholy:

  • Depression = sadness
  • Spirit = temper, disposition, or essence

This makes so. much. sense. to me.  I’ll explain why in a minute.

But first, on COVID:

Some of us haven’t bought into the hype. Some of us think this is media manipulation and a ploy to take down Trump’s economy.  On the other hand, some of us truly believe in the dangers and efforts to prevent.  Some of us are genuinely concerned about the risk.  And there are some of us that fall somewhere in the middle. 

No matter where you stand on the COVID belief scale, all of us are making an effort to do what we feel in our hearts is right.  Whether that is going to the grocery store without a mask or putting on a hazmat suit to visit the doctor’s office, each of us is navigating through this in our own way.

Outwardly, we are putting on brave faces.  We are being strong for those around us.  We are trying to lift each other up.  No matter our beliefs on COVID, we are trying to protect each other as a community, as we individually see fit.  But inwardly, we are mourning the loss of the world as we knew it. 

The positivity that is emitting from this pandemic has surprised me.  While I think it’s amazing the way people are coming together to spread joy and appreciation, part of me is concerned that we are masking our grief and not coping with our losses.  But I’m not judging that either.  I think so many of us are merely just trying to get through this thing with some sanity.

In the meantime, we are living in purgatory.  We are trying to lift others up, because we are feeling down.  We are trying to bring happiness to others, because our spirits are sad. 

We can only put on a brave face for so long, so give yourself permission to feel what you feel.  The sooner we own it and feel it, the quicker we can work through it.  We get through purgatory by cleansing our souls of the impurities.  Indulge in self-care, friends.  Lord knows we need it, and we’ve earned it. 💖

by : lacylit10 Farming, Leadership

The Middle.

During my United Fresh Produce Industry Leadership Program (#class24 💕), we had an incredibly smart, talented, and beautiful lady guiding us.  Her name was Julie, and she was fabulous.  (Still is!)  She had a very polite and kind way of telling you some honest truths.  She was blunt and funny.  She said a lot of memorable things during our time, but the one that keeps coming to my mind in the midst of this coronavirus pandemic is this: “Get the hell out of middle management as fast as you can.” (Her words exactly.)

Middle managers experience compression by those they lead and those who lead them.  It’s a tough place to be.  As we try to operate as an essential business providing food for millions of Americans who are sheltered in their homes, the amount of pressure and responsibility being placed on our societal function and our team has increased tenfold.

When the CDC first released guidance on preventative measures, it wasn’t anything we weren’t already doing.  Food contact surfaces are routinely cleaned and sanitized, employees frequently wash and sanitize their hands; they are supposed to cough into their elbow, and they are not permitted to come to work sick (among many other good health and hygiene best practices).  But the existing measures we had in place were not enough to protect the health of our employees and the safety of our products, additional measures had/have to be taken.

While our senior leadership is in direct communication with other business executives, regulatory agencies, and trade associations, the role of our middle managers has become even more critical in our day-to-day operations.  The information and guidance we receive changes by the hour.  We are scrambling to keep up, inform our middle managers, train our employees, and enforce many new policies – on top of an already full workload, and entering our busiest season 🥬.

“Middle managers have a complicated relationship with power because power is activated and experienced in the context of interpersonal relationships. When interacting with our superiors, we naturally adopt a more deferential low-power behavioral style. When interacting with subordinates, on the other hand, we adopt a more assertive high-power behavioral style. Failure to conform to these role-based expectations can lead to social conflicts and confusion, so people are very good at learning how to play the part that is expected of them.”

Erin M. Ancich and Jacob B. Hirsh (HBR)

Research shows that there are cognitive, emotional, and behavioral effects to power.  As middle managers navigate between high power (leading) and low power (being led), it becomes psychologically challenging to engage and disengage from one power level to another, often many times throughout a typical workday.  These conflicting roles cause feelings of stress, anxiety, and tension leading to physical risk factors such as heart disease and hypertension. In a study from Columbia University and University of Toronto, they found that mid-level employees have higher rates of anxiety and depression, adding to the long list of why middle managers are so unhappy.

Humans are inefficient when it comes to switching tasks, and it creates a negative mood spillover as we move from one task to another or one power level to another.  Middle managers are victims and carriers of change as they receive strategy instructions from the top and have to implement those strategies with those who work beneath them.  We’ve had to institute at least 10 new policies over the past 2 weeks in response to this pandemic – a taxing feat for anyone, let alone already worn down middle managers.

Most people believe that their time in middle management will be short-lived, but reality is that these employees are classified as just “stuck in the middle of everything.” They have an undergraduate degree, but not a graduate degree. They are 5-10 years into their careers, and they’re just good performers (not excellent, but not terrible either). I would also venture to guess these are the people in the midst of raising a family as well. They are considered a “neglected but critical” group.

But the #1 reason middle managers are unhappy is that they are led ineffectively. Again, middle managers stuck in the middle: expected to be good leaders when they’re not being led well.

True colors come out in times of crisis.  As Brené Brown says, “We can be our worst selves or our very best, bravest selves.”  We have a lot at stake right now, not just in health and economics, but also in business and society.  Strong leadership is essential, always.  We need to choose to be our best, bravest selves. We need to lead as we wish to be led! So, let’s lean on each other, support each other, and lift each other up. ✨💖