by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Self and Tolerance.

The problem with becoming self-aware is that you begin to notice all the wrongs. What I mean is that your triggers seem to increase as you recognize how traits and behaviors of others impact you. Even more, you begin to realize that you have unknowingly accepted a level of treatment that you now know is unhealthy for you.

As a leader, we are sometimes required to tolerate things that we wouldn’t normally tolerate. Whether it be in your home life or your work life, there is undoubtedly someone that you accept poor treatment from because you have to. And I say “have to” because it may not be immediately feasible for you to leave the relationship (e.g., financial limitations of quitting a job or familial repercussions of defriending a sibling). When we feel this strain in a relationship, how do we know when we are stretching our leadership muscles versus sacrificing self?

Discomfort occurs either way.

Does it come down to severity of discomfort (e.g., some is stretching, a lot is sacrifice)? Or does sacrifice equate to snapping from stretching too much?

We can’t just up and leave a relationship every time it gets hard. Relationships take work, no matter the type. We have to be flexible with one another for the relationship to adapt to individual growth, and effort put forth should be balanced and symbiotic in order for the relationship to be sustainable.

So does sacrifice result from a one-sided or inequal commitment?

I don’t know that there is an easy answer or an answer at all. Maybe it all comes down to tolerability. What may be stretching in a relationship to one might be sacrificing to another. One person might put in a month’s worth of effort and call it good; others might put years into making the relationship work. It also comes down to importance of the relationship. If it is a spouse or loved one, then we will likely give it more time and effort than if it is a colleague or employee.

In any instance, tolerating unhealthy treatment is, well, unhealthy. That is why so many experts in leadership stress the importance of self-care. The better you care for yourself the more you can tolerate others!

Unfortunately, many of us do not give ourselves the care we truly need. And it’s hard to explain your needs to people who do not understand or empathize with the toll being a leader can have on oneself. Just as tolerance varies per person, so does quality and quantity of self-care. As we increasingly recognize the traits and behaviors of others and their impacts on us, we need to hone awareness of our own needs and care for ourselves as we care for others – if not more.

Leadership is a gift that often goes unrecognized and unappreciated. Don’t make it harder on yourself by ignoring your self.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Lull.

A lull is defined as a temporary interval of quiet or lack of activity. I’m in a writing lull. Not because I don’t have anything to write about, but because I have so many thoughts going through my head that I can’t pin them down into a single flowable post. 

I have a personality that has been described as having “a rich inner life.” I think some people would say I’m someone who over analyzes everything … In my defense, I do most of it quietly without anyone knowing, so it’s not like I’m annoying people with my constant questioning of who, what, when, where, why, and how everything in life happens. Okay…maybe I do annoy some people with it. 😬

Between a new job, working with new people, gaining new knowledge, and new experiences, my brain has been working overtime. There is so. much. to learn. 🤯 

Overall, life is good. And busy.

But I miss being here. Writing allows me to process deep thoughts. It seems that I’ve been so busy with the new that I don’t have much energy for the deep. As much as I miss it, I think, it’s for the best. New and deep processing may make me feel overwhelmed, where for the time being, I just feel…whelmed.

This has always been a place where I vulnerably write about things I discover about myself, about people, about leadership, and about life. Not being here has almost made me feel like I’m not improving in any of these areas, because I haven’t needed to take the time to write and sort my thoughts. 

But that’s not true at all. 

I’m in a phase of applying knowledge I’ve gained over the past few years, seeing it being implemented, and watching it play out IRL. This is exactly what I’ve been working so hard for.

This career is one that I never imagined I would have. When you’re in high school, advisors make you feel like college right after high school is the only answer to becoming successful. I was not ready for that. I never envisioned my career, let alone landing in the C-suite. I just fell into a job that I became increasingly passionate about. It was fun, challenging, rewarding, and I wanted to devote so much time and energy to it.

I worked so hard to climb so high that I’m feeling restless while settling in to enjoy the view. But this is a transitional period. Adjusting to something new is always at least a little uncomfortable. They say that great things don’t happen within your comfort zone … It seems like I am in nearly a constant state of discomfort. Which means that great things lie ahead. And I have no doubt that they do. ☺️

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Grief.

Suffering is part of human existence.  This is fact.  Every person in the world has lost something of significance and gone into a process of grieving.  Grief takes on different forms for different people.  Some numb pain; some deny through avoidance, and some lean into the pain.  Loss is unavoidable. 

Grief comes after loss, and psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross believed that there are 5 stages of grief.  They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There has been criticisms of this grief theory among social scientists.  I don’t love it or hate it.  I do think grief is a process, but I don’t necessarily think there is a structure (that we grieve in this consecutive order).  Grief affects us all differently, and we all manage it differently.  It is an incredibly powerful emotion that has physical, social, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual affects.  

David Kessler said, we lost the world as we know it because of COVID.  I don’t think it’s extreme to consider we as a collective society and we as individuals are experiencing grief due to the loss of our pre-COVID lives.

On a frustrating day, I live in COVID denial.  On a bad day, I live in COVID depression.  On a hopeful day, I live in COVID bargaining.  On a melancholy day, I live in COVID acceptance.  On a sad day, I live in COVID anger. 

Notice how I didn’t say “on a good day”?  Yeah, that was on purpose. 😔  It’s hard to see the good in grief.  COVID has fundamentally changed our society and that is having profound effects on our well-being.  We are culturally going through transformational change.  It has been abrupt, dramatic, problematic, and traumatic.  

While time may heal all wounds, scars are left behind – reminders of what we loss and subsequent negative emotions when we pay attention to those reminders.  But with COVID, at least for me, I guess I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.  A return to pre-COVID “normal” seems so far away.  We are six months into this global pandemic, and my wounds are still healing.   

I’m fortunate to understand what’s going on (for the most part).  I know myself well enough to know when I need special or extra care.  As someone who suffered from depression in the past, I know that I am in a vulnerable state.  I’ve had to make conscious and concerted efforts to give my mind, body, and soul the care it needs to sustain this discomfort for the foreseeable future.  

I feel like what makes the recovery part of COVID grief so difficult is that we do not have the outlets or ability to lean into the connections we desperately need to get us through these difficult times – at least in California. 😒 And what we are able to do, we must do with half our face covered – preventing us from receiving non-verbal cues from those with whom we communicate.

Like so many things we encounter in our lives, we often have a hard time accepting things for what they are when those things are beyond our control. While I logically understand this global pandemic, my emotional side is having a hard time coming to terms with it.

While I may not agree with the consecutive order in which we grieve, I do believe that acceptance is the last stage. Some days I accept COVID for what it is (on that particular day), but I have not accepted it for what it has done (personally and economically). I have not accepted the mental and behavioral health ramifications that are stemming from it (individually and collectively), nor have I accepted with the ability to move on.

Like scars from wounds that have healed, acceptance does not mean that all of our negative feelings magically disappear. Reminders still exist. When we push too hard, stitches can come undone. Infections can arise. We are. still. in. the healing process. Acceptance does not come within a specific timeframe. And even when the wounds have healed, sometimes it truly does become living in a “new normal.”

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Self-Betrayal.

I think most of us would agree that we are not in the practice of self-betrayal.  We don’t intentionally do things or make decisions that would purposefully bring us harm.  Except we do make decisions that unintentionally do bring us harm.

When we are presented with a choice, we have the option of honoring our morals, values, beliefs, desires, etc. or betraying them.  When you make the “right” decision, there are usually positive side effects.  When you make the “wrong” decision, it can lead to all sorts of negative effects.

I was recently presented with a choice.  A very big decision had to be made and there were a lot of moving parts.  I chose to move forward, because I didn’t want to be excluded and let other people down.  While there were definitely benefits to being involved, deep down, from the very beginning, I knew this was not what I wanted.  

Guilt is a feeling generated by personal accountability for making a poor decision.  Shame is a feeling of not enough, that we are flawed and unworthy.  Not only did I feel guilty for choosing to move forward, but I also spiraled through a shame storm.  There were constant reminders that this was not what I wanted, and the toll of each of those reminders shamed me into emotional turmoil.  I was ignoring all of the red flags. 🚩

This was a very big lesson for me in learning to live impeccably.  I went against everything I knew to do, because I was too afraid to step outside the security of my circle.  But not only that, I was feeling guilted and shamed for wanting to step outside my circle!  There’s a lot more to this story, and the intentions on both sides were genuinely good.  But either choice in this decision led to hurt. This was a really shitty position to be in. Ultimately, my choices were these:

  1. Be involved – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future but not hurt the people I care about.
  2. Not participate – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future and hurt the people I care about.

After lots and lots, and lots of thinking, I chose to stay true to my commitment, even though it really wasn’t what I wanted.  The initial hurt will fade, and I will be less angry over time.  There will be discomforts along the way, but I’m choosing to believe that they will be moments to test my growth.  

I believe I made the “right” decision, because my heart was in the right place. If I was going to hurt myself either way, I might as well hurt myself and not hurt the people I care about.

Choosing to participate actually gave me more control over the situation. If I hurt the people I care about, I can’t control how they manage their emotions, and relationships could suffer. But I know I have the strength to manage my emotions. Although it hurts like hell, relationships are still in tact. While they may take on a different shape in the future, I am choosing to create those boundaries.

So often I write about the power of choice, and the ability to control what you can control.  At some point though, we are faced with a decision that isn’t good for anyone.  At the time, will you choose to be selfish or selfless?  

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Transformation.

Do you ever go through periods of life where you feel God working within you? What this looks like may be different for each of us, but for me, I feel uneasy, restless, and emotional, yet hopeful, motivated, and inspired. I recognize these feelings when they appear and know that I am going through a transformational change.

In most change models, we create a picture of what we think the solution should be, then work hard to make reality fit that picture. We try to dominate the situation. I have a friend who is super Type A, logical, and analytical. This would be his approach to change. You create a game plan, and you stick to the game plan.

Transformational change activates the power of vision and humility to face the mysteries of life. We control what we can control, and roll with the punches that we cannot. This is my approach to change. You cultivate discipline of good planning, and adapt to the situation as it is in each moment.

I always say that you need to find comfort in the uncomfortable, but that does not mean that it is comfortable. Susan David says that tough emotions are part of our contract for a meaningful life. Discomfort is movement and growth.

In talking about her sobriety journey, Glennon Doyle says she hasn’t felt fine in 17 years. I’m not an alcoholic, nor have I been, but I so related to this comment. I am a deep feeler. As someone who is constantly seeking personal and professional growth, I am always in a state of discomfort.

The societal expectation is that we don’t talk about our feelings. Feelings are for sissies. I actually find that notion hilarious, because it is the opposite that is true. Remember when I wrote about the definition of courage and talking about our feelings? It is much easier for me to write about my feelings, but to say them out loud? Oy vey. 🤦🏻‍♀️

It is hard to live in a constant state of discomfort. Sometimes, it is so. incredibly. difficult. But feelings are meant to be felt, that’s why we have them! They exist to prompt you into moving! It may seem easier to avoid our feelings, but avoiding our feelings is what drives a lot of people to alcoholism or drugs. They don’t want to feel. I’m sure most of us would agree that it’s probably better to feel what we feel than be driven to addiction. No? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like the only thing that would be worse than feeling feelings would be not feeling them at all. Could you imagine? You have to have the good and the bad. It’s not a one or the other.

When I lost my dog, my heart didn’t just break; it shattered. 💔 It was in pieces, and I had physical reactions to the pain. It was a deeper hurt than I had experienced in a very, very long time. But even through my grief, I was accepting of the pain, the hurt, and the trauma. All those deeply negative emotions gave profound meaning to her existence and her purpose in my life.

Although I am in a constant state of improvement, transformational change is different. It comes from deep within. It’s like an accumulation of weeks, months or years worth of discomfort in growth coming to a head. Although it’s rough to navigate through, I know good things are on the horizon. And that is so. damn. exciting.

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by : lacylit10 Leadership

Avoidance.

We all value the importance of communication, but so many people avoid conversations that make them feel uncomfortable – which doesn’t solve anything.  It actually makes everything worse.  I’m not going to go into examples here.  We all know how it feels when we don’t feel as though we’re being listened to.

I tried to have one of these uncomfortable conversations with someone. I told him what I wanted to talk about, and we agreed to have the conversation at a later time when we would both be prepared to do so.  But that later discussion never happened.  This person invited me to have a seat at the table, then never let me pull up a chair.

That is such. poor. leadership.

Good leadership doesn’t turn off when you walk out of the office doors.  People who embrace leadership, live and breathe it in all aspects of their lives.  It becomes part of who they are.

I had two choices in this scenario:

  1. Push the issue.  I could have sought him out and demanded to be heard.
  2. Let it go.  I could accept that if he didn’t even want to hear me out, then it’s likely he wasn’t going to listen even if he did.

You probably know which choice I made.  Actually, you probably don’t.  This could really go either way. 😂

Here’s what I figured…

This person deliberately avoided this conversation and red flags came out:

🚩 He did not care enough about my discomfort (to set aside his own discomfort) 
🚩 He did not value my opinion or perspective (because he refused to hear it)
🚩 He did not respect me as an equal (by not giving me the opportunity to speak)

While I stewed over this for several days, I eventually let it go.  (I mean, that’s not entirely true.  It still pisses me off to think about it, but I let it go as far as he’s concerned.)  What I realized was that if none of those things applied before the conversation, nothing was going to change after the conversation.

As leaders, we must set aside our natural tendencies for the greater well-being of others.  He didn’t do that for me. And for as much as I wanted to give this guy a piece of my mind, I knew that ultimately it wasn’t going to do any good. Even if I received an empathetic and compassionate response, it wouldn’t have felt genuine. Because really, it wouldn’t have been. His authentic response was one of avoidance.

Remember when I said I’m starting to see more people in an unfavorable light? This is an example of one of those times. I realized this person wasn’t treating me in a way that I deserve, and I adjusted a new boundary accordingly.

We all have the right to be treated the way we want to be treated. That is 💯 within our power to control. He did what he thought was best for him by avoiding the issue, and I did what was best for me by walking away from it.

While I would like to say an unfortunate and unintended consequence is that our relationship has since taken different shape and suffered because of this, I can’t say I’m all that disappointed. If I’m not going to be cared for, valued, or respected, then I’m not getting much benefit out of the relationship in the first place. And let’s be real, it’s his loss anyway. 😁💁🏻‍♀️