by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Fuego.

You know those people who in very few words can ignite a spark šŸ’„ within you?  I met with one of those people recently.  A woman that I highly respect and appreciate.  She tells it to me like it is, laid out as fact, but with a tone that is sincere and caring, not accusatory and demeaning.  The distinction in her delivery is important.  Great leaders cater the message for the recipient to feel in a positive way.

With all this COVID shit going on, Iā€™ve been feeling a lot of different emotions.  Iā€™ve been trying to be patient with these emotions, because Iā€™m not sure if Iā€™m feeling them just because COVID has disrupted my ā€œnormalā€ life or if they are indicators that itā€™s time for a change. 

I think itā€™s both.

If you remember from this post, there are underlying themes to our emotions.  The underlying theme for happiness is making reasonable progress toward the attainment of a goal.  In the Trust Factor, Zak talks about ā€œchallenge stressā€.  The moderate stress of being challenged to reach an attainable goal releases neurochemicals, including oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.

Oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the ā€œlove hormoneā€ or ā€œcuddle hormoneā€ because it is released when socially bonding.  This is how trust is created in relationships, personally or professionally.  Adrenocorticotropin is produced in response to biological stress and intensifies your focus.

I live in a constant state of improvement.  I want to leave this world knowing that I lived my best life, and I make the conscience effort to better myself everyday in order to achieve this.  (Some days are better than others, letā€™s be real.)  In my posts about Insecurity and Emotion, I talk about celebrating small wins.  Not every day am I out slaying large goals, and I need the reminder that there are small successes.  Turns out, celebrating small wins can make all the difference in how you feel and perform.  Itā€™s called the Progress Principle.

Of all the things that can boost inner work life, the most important is making progress in meaningful work.

Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer

Personally, I thrive on being challenged.  I like work.  Bottom line.  If Iā€™m not working hard toward something, Iā€™m not as happy as when I am.  And currently, Iā€™m not feeling challenged.  What I struggle with as an employee and as an entrepreneur:

  • As an employee, my challenges are typically set forth by someone else.  Although I somewhat operate in an ā€œask for forgivenessā€ fashion, there are still limitations and boundaries that have to be respected within the workplace.
  • As an entrepreneur, it feels like Iā€™m wandering through the forest without a map or compass.  I take small strides forward because I donā€™t know how the hell to get where I want to go.

But each of these are challenges within their own right that must first be overcome.

What my mentor/friend said to light a spark beneath me was this:

Step up!  Your capability and awareness is greater than the environment that youā€™re in.

Sometimes, it takes someone else to point out what youā€™ve ā€œknownā€ all along.  Now, itā€™s time to reflect and come up with a strategic plan. What that may look like, I dunno yet. Maybe it’s an emotional renewal. Maybe it’s a side hustle breakthrough. Either way, it’s going to bring šŸ”„!

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Independent.

I was talking to a friend who asked, “Why would people think that I wouldn’t settle down?”

šŸ˜¬ That, is a loaded question, my friend.

While marriage and a family are important to him, he’s been self-reliant and independent for a very long time. He thinks he’s open with information, but he’s actually quite reserved. He tells you what you need to know (logically) and not much more (emotionally). He’s had relationships, but not real meaningful ones. And they’re not meaningful, because he defaults to independent and self-reliant behavior with no emotional vulnerability to build connection.

He thinks no one is going to do something as good as he’s going to do it, so why rely on someone else? He’s been able to manage things for himself for so long that he doesn’t need anyone else’s help.

I get it. Because it’s like looking in a F’ing mirror. (Remember when I said I’m an independent problem-solver? šŸ™„)

Our modern culture associates independence with strength and confidence. This can be dangerous, because it’s not reflective of our true nature as social creatures that depend on others. Society pressures us to do the exact opposite of what we actually need to do. We grow up believing that if we need each other, we are less than.

I don’t easily let people in. But it’s not so much a defense mechanism, as it has become a learned behavior. I can 100% count on myself in any situation. I can’t say the same for others. And this gets validated repeatedly.

If I have to remind a guy at work to do something more than once, he’s unreliable. If I keep putting my heart out there only to have it broken, it’s better to keep it locked up safely. If I keep getting shitty advice, it’s better not to talk to anyone. This isn’t rocket science. Einstein gets it and he was super smart:

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The thing is though: the guy at work is unreliable, but not every person I work with is. Men may break my heart, but not every man will. And if someone keeps giving me shitty advice, someone else will be more understanding.

Part of my struggle with learning to live impeccably is that I’ve begun to see more people in an unfavorable light. It’s not just the one person at work that’s unreliable; there’s multiple people. It’s not that men have broken my heart; it’s that there’s so few I’m even willing to give the opportunity. It’s not that people intend to give me shitty advice; it’s that I’ve outgrown their ability to successfully reach me.

Of course, these are things that I pretty much already knew. They’re just resonating a little more deeply lately. There’s good and bad to this. The bad is that it’s only further validating my presumption that self-reliant and independent behavior is best. The good is that I recognize this is bad. šŸ˜

Now, the hard part is improving my own behavior. I cannot control any of these external factors, but I can control how I prevent or react to them. This has taken a lot of self-reflection and inner-work. It’s taken re-evaluating relationships and setting new boundaries.

If I’m being honest, it feels as though I’m just setting myself up for failure. And realistically, I kind of am. We have to take chances on people in order to build connections with them. We have to put ourselves out there with the risk we will be let down or hurt. Vulnerability is courageous, and it’s all just part of life.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intuition.

Did you know that there is a lot of chatter in the medical community about our gut being our second brain? So when you “go with your gut” or have a “gut feeling”, there really is something to say for that. Scientists call this second brain our enteric nervous system (ENS), and it is made up of more than 100 million nerve cells šŸ˜³ that line our gastrointestinal tract from our esophagus to our rectum.

The ENS isn’t capable of thoughts as we know them coming from our brain, but it does communicate back and forth with our brain. Researchers and doctors thought that depression and anxiety contributed to the emotional shifts experienced by people who suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and functional bowel problems such as constipation and bloating. But now, they are finding evidence that the irritation in the gastrointestinal system may actually be sending signals to our central nervous system triggering mood changes. šŸ¤Æ Isn’t that interesting? Our gut may tell us when we have a digestive problem by shifting our mood.

A lot of times our intuition is reflected in a “gut feeing.” So, is intuition our brain telling our gut to react or our gut telling our brain to react?

Intuition is a form of knowledge that appears in consciousness without obvious deliberation. It is not magical but rather a faculty in which hunches are generated by the unconscious mind rapidly sifting through past experience and cumulative knowledge.

Psychology Today

We develop our intuition based on patterns. Logical knowledge certainly plays a part, but sometimes analyzing data and information doesn’t provide us with the answers we need, so we turn to our intuition for additional guidance.

I am highly sensitive to my surroundings and my emotions. When I experience something, I pick up on subtle details that others may not pay attention to, such as: the vibe in the room, smells, sounds, behaviors, and how these things make me feel. I use multiple senses to receive information, creating a strong experience that resonates personally. I then (consciously and subconsciously) deeply process this information storing it for a later date.

By having the additional information from multiple senses and deeply processing it, I’m better equipped to follow my intuition in a future similar experience. When like-situations arise, I don’t need to mull anything over. I’ve already done the analyzing. I can quickly make a decision and move on.

Since I perceive things stronger when I associate experiences with how they make me feel, my intuition arises more in something that I just know rather than in a gut feeling. My brain doesn’t need to send the signals to the nerve cells in my ENS prompting a feeling to arise. I’ve already felt all I need to feel to come to a decision.

Let me give you an example…

Dating. šŸ™„ When someone I know recommends I date someone, and I flat out say, “No, I’m not interested.” Follow-up remarks usually go something like this, “How do you know? You never gave him a chance. You never know until you try.” The thing is though, I do know.

Either from past interactions with the potential suitor or based on information provided to me about the potential suitor, I’ve already come to a conclusion about this guy. It’s nothing against him personally. It’s just that I pick up on all these subtle details in my interactions with people and invest a lot of time and emotion into processing those details.

When I learn about or interact with a potential suitor and I either consciously or subconsciously associate his traits to past experiences with himself or other people, I don’t need to “take a chance” on dating him. I’ve already invested energy on a like-person and determined they’re not worth my time (in a romantic capacity or otherwise), so why would this guy be? But again, it is nothing against him personally. For better or worse, this is just how my brain processes information.

Of course, our intuition isn’t full proof, and I can be wrong. But intuition is more reliable in some areas than others such as forming first impressions, detecting deception, and detecting sexual orientation – all things that are very relevant and important when pursing a romantic relationship.

People have accused me of being judgmental, having high standards, and being cold-hearted when I decline the opportunity to date someone who is likely a really great guy. But if we take being judgmental (which is based on logic and reason), having high standards, and being cold-hearted and apply these qualities in business, I would be praised for my confidence and acumen.

The ability to know myself so well that I can react intuitively on personal matters is seen negatively when my ability to react intuitively in business is seen positively. It’s a shame that this is how society has shaped our perspectives. It’s no wonder we have a hard time being true to ourselves. Emotional intelligence is so undervalued. šŸ˜’

1 Comment
by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Emotion.

I write a lot about emotions and feeling them.Ā  Psychology fascinates me, so itā€™s not surprising that this is where my writing leans.Ā  But throughout my business and leadership readings, trainings, and experiences, itā€™s become quite evident to me how much emotion plays a part in our daily lives ā€“ and how many people dismiss it as playing an important part in our daily lives.

In a TED Talk presented by Harvard Medical School Psychologist Susan David, she performed a study of 70,000 people and found that 1/3 of these people judge or actively try to push aside ā€œbadā€ emotions such as grief, anger, or sadness. 

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.  But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. 

Like, whoa.Ā šŸ¤Æ She is so right!Ā  And honestly, it bums me out.Ā  I believe all emotions, good or bad (and everything in between and outside of), are part of life and should be felt, fully and completely.Ā  Itā€™s not what we do in life that makes life worth living, itā€™s the emotions that come with the doing that make usĀ feel alive.Ā  David validates this:

When we lean into the discomfort it helps us overcome it that much quicker.  The negative emotions help us feel alive.  Builds resilience and is a true driver to authentic happiness.

Some people say we can control how we feel.  I only partially believe that.  I cannot control how something I perceive hits me emotionally.  But the moment it hits me, I can manage that emotion.  Although I do believe that you can adapt and become more resilient to different emotions over time.  David explains in a way that may resonate more with a logical thinker:

Emotions are not directives.  The emotion is a data source.

Sometimes, we have a hard time naming specific emotions, but identification is essential.Ā  When we label our emotions accurately we are able to discern the precise cause of our feelings activating part of our brain that allows us to take steps to move forward.

Personally, I am feeling a lot of different emotions during this pandemic.  It may seem that the ā€œbadā€ is outweighing the ā€œgoodā€, but I guarantee you there are more wins in the day than you are giving yourself credit for. Yesterday, I went for a long walk.  Fresh air and exercise ā€“ win/win.  Got some ice cream ā€“ win.  Helped a friend with a problem he was having at work ā€“ win.  Woke up rested ā€“ win.  You get the picture.

I do encourage you to watch the full TED Talk, because Susan David has some really,Ā reallyĀ great quotes that I just couldnā€™t include them all here without completely plagiarizing her genius. (Although, I would totally love to take credit for some of her statements.) šŸ˜†šŸ™Œ

At the end of the day, we’re all going through some tough shit here. You cannot control what others feel and how they deal with those emotions, but you can control how you deal with what you feel. So lean into it, own it, and work through it. šŸ’– How you feel will radiate outward. If we truly want to become “stronger together,” it starts within each of us.*

*Stay tuned for a post with more on this!

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Melancholy.

Melancholy is defined as a ā€œdepression of spiritsā€ or a ā€œpensive mood.ā€  I want to focus on the former definition, because I feel like thatā€™s exactly what weā€™re experiencing as humans right now.  At least, I am.

In BrenĆ© Brownā€™s new podcast, she talks with David Kessler on grief and finding meaning.  Kessler says that grief comes after loss.  That loss can be anything of significance to the individual.  He points out that during this pandemic, we could list a 100 different things that we have lost: our social lives, our ability to converge in public, physical touch (as simple as a handshake), and the big one: the world as we knew it.

The world as we knew it no longer exists.  That. Is. HUGE. šŸ¤Æ  And he is right.  It no longer exists and will not exist as we knew it for the foreseeable future, if ever.  You guys. šŸ˜³ That is some heavy stuff to take in.

If we breakdown the definition of melancholy:

  • Depression = sadness
  • Spirit = temper, disposition, or essence

This makes so. much. sense. to me.  Iā€™ll explain why in a minute.

But first, on COVID:

Some of us havenā€™t bought into the hype. Some of us think this is media manipulation and a ploy to take down Trumpā€™s economy.  On the other hand, some of us truly believe in the dangers and efforts to prevent.  Some of us are genuinely concerned about the risk.  And there are some of us that fall somewhere in the middle. 

No matter where you stand on the COVID belief scale, all of us are making an effort to do what we feel in our hearts is right.  Whether that is going to the grocery store without a mask or putting on a hazmat suit to visit the doctorā€™s office, each of us is navigating through this in our own way.

Outwardly, we are putting on brave faces.  We are being strong for those around us.  We are trying to lift each other up.  No matter our beliefs on COVID, we are trying to protect each other as a community, as we individually see fit.  But inwardly, we are mourning the loss of the world as we knew it. 

The positivity that is emitting from this pandemic has surprised me.  While I think itā€™s amazing the way people are coming together to spread joy and appreciation, part of me is concerned that we are masking our grief and not coping with our losses.  But Iā€™m not judging that either.  I think so many of us are merely just trying to get through this thing with some sanity.

In the meantime, we are living in purgatory.  We are trying to lift others up, because we are feeling down.  We are trying to bring happiness to others, because our spirits are sad. 

We can only put on a brave face for so long, so give yourself permission to feel what you feel.  The sooner we own it and feel it, the quicker we can work through it.  We get through purgatory by cleansing our souls of the impurities.  Indulge in self-care, friends.  Lord knows we need it, and weā€™ve earned it. šŸ’–

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Adversity.

The definition of adversity is ā€œa state or instance of serious or continued difficulty or misfortune.ā€  State or instance – which means that it can be constant or a one-time difficulty or misfortune.  Nothing in the definition refers to the intensity or severity of this difficulty or misfortune, yet it seems to me that many people tend to associate adversity with tragedy or sacrifice.  Even I do this!  (Yes, it says ā€œseriousā€, but that is subjective and irrelevant for where I’m going with this. šŸ˜’)

In the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Manson says, ā€œFor many of us, our proudest achievements come in the face of the greatest adversity.  Our pain often makes us stronger, more resilient, more grounded.ā€

Is it weird that I love that last line?

Most people shy away from the hard stuff.  They avoid it.  Me?  I lean into it.  I want to feel it all in raw form, fully and completely.  And Iā€™m not going to lie, it can be extremely rough.  But I believe that you canā€™t have the good without the bad.  Giving into the negative helps me recognize the positive and allows me to fully embrace the happy too.  (And if you remember from this post and this post, giving into the emotion also helps you work through it quicker.) 

I recently realized that I am an independent problem-solver.  I will seek advice and hear opinions, but when it comes down to it, I internalize working through my problems completely alone.  Whether this is healthy or not is an entirely different story, but Iā€™ve literally been doing this since the day I was born.  (Which is a whole other story.) 

The amount of personal growth that comes with leaning into pain or adversity, then independently problem-solving, 100% makes me stronger, more resilient, and more grounded.  I am proud of who I am because of this ā€¦ but itā€™s also made me a bit cold and closed off.  Something to be less proud of.

BrenĆ© Brown defines courage in itā€™s earliest form as ā€œTo speak oneā€™s mind by telling all oneā€™s heart.ā€  (Can we just acknowledge how beautiful that definition is for a sec?)  She says:

Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deedsā€¦this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences ā€“ good and bad.

I have a lifetime of strength and experience built up in my heart.  To be truly courageous in speaking my mind by telling whatā€™s in my heart ā€¦. I canā€™t even put into words how terrifying that is.  For me, that is complete. naked. exposure.

When Iā€™m facing adversity, I can be very emotional and very logical. Sometimes my head and my heart can tell me two entirely different things.  And typically, logic wins. 

Logic works with facts and reason.  I donā€™t have to be vulnerable with whatā€™s in my heart.  I let my emotional needs take a backseat.  But in doing so, I set myself up for the possibility of not achieving my desired outcome, because I wasnā€™t courageous enough to admit what I truly wanted.  And can I really be angry or upset when I donā€™t achieve my desired outcome when I didnā€™t lay it all out on the line in the first place?  No, I canā€™t.  Iā€™m left with feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty, because I didnā€™t give it my all.  But if I lay out logic and emotion and still donā€™t get the desired result, then I can accept that as the way it was supposed to go.  I can move on knowing that I did give it my all.

But itā€™s all easier said than done, am I right?  I meanā€¦shit.  Literally, the thought of having to lay out some of the sensitive things that are in my heart makes me want to šŸ¤¢.  For me personally (and probably most people), vulnerability = courage and adversity – at the same time! šŸ¤Æ 

When we recognize courageous acts of vulnerability in ourselves, it promotes empathy and compassion toward adversity in others.  And if you remember, when we share things with others, it intensifies our experiences.  And that is what creates connection. šŸ’–

1 Comment