by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Impeccable.

In the Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz defines impeccable as “without sin”.  

A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself.

Don Miguel Ruiz

Who we are has been shaped by the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those around us.  Most notably, our parents who have influenced our entire belief system since birth.  How do we know who we really are when so much of who we are has been influenced by others?  Their thoughts have become engrained in our minds as if they are our own.

Personally, I think this is why emotional intelligence and self-awareness is critical to our function.  Our bodies react to our emotions.  When we pay attention to what our bodies tell us, when we learn the contours of our emotions, we can decipher between what is right for us and what others think is right for us.  

We feel safe around the people we care about.  We value their opinions, beliefs, perspectives, and thoughts.  When we lean into these social connections to build or maintain relationships, it can be very difficult to disagree with them.  We all have an innate desire to belong.  If we disagree with those who are close to us, then we feel vulnerable, exposed, and isolated.  And it’s scary to be on the outside, especially of our innermost circle.

This has been, by far, the hardest part of my leadership journey.  

It’s not having disagreements in the sense of “I’m right and you’re wrong.”  It’s having disagreements in doing what is best for me that may go against the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those I am surrounded by.  

I’ve learned to pay deep attention to words that are spoken, actions that are taken, and patterns of behavior in the people around me.  So often, it is their own insecurities, fears, short-comings, or desires that are projected onto others, and I don’t even have to be a direct recipient to recognize it.

It is so incredibly difficult to spot weaknesses in people who have no idea these are weaknesses in themselves being projected onto the ones they care about.  Although I am thankful to be able to not accept these projections as my own, it feels quite lonely to not join the comfort of agreement. 

People look at the outsiders as weak or weird.  The outsiders are the ones I’ve come to admire most.  They are true to themselves.  They are courageous.  They are impeccable.  

Maya Angelou said:

You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

For the outsiders, the price is high in judgment, criticism, assumptions, and opinions from others.  These will hurt, no matter who you are.  But they don’t agree with the negative projections from others.  They belong to no place and no one, because they belong to themselves – wholly and completely, and freedom is their reward.  Doesn’t that just sound like a sacred place to be? (Hint: it is.)

But I’m still learning this.  I don’t yet feel free.  I still feel trapped in the web of morals, values, beliefs, opinions, fears, and judgments of those around me.  It’s like I’ve got one leg in the circle and one leg out.  But it’s not so much fear that is holding me back so much as it is the emotional reaction I feel to the disagreement. I feel sad for the other person.  

Sad that they:

  1. Have this insecurity or display criticism or judgement;
  2. They don’t recognize it;
  3. They’re unintentionally spreading it onto those they care about.

As much as I’d like to leave them in the circle while I step outside, part of me wants to join them in their misery.  Not because of I believe their projection about myself or them, but because I want them to see what I see.  I see potential.  I see beauty.  I see a good heart.  I see that they have nothing to feel insecure or afraid of and I want to walk them outside of the circle to live their own. impeccable. life.

And maybe that’s just exactly what makes leadership so hard.  It’s like saving someone from a rip tide.  Not only are you swimming and paddling to keep yourself afloat, but you’re swimming and paddling to keep someone else from going under too.  A leader has to have strength for more than just themselves. And I suppose that is why not everyone is cut out for the job.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Loneliness.

Why is it that loneliness seems to be an unacceptable sentiment in our society? Is it because we are social animals, and so long as we are around people we shouldn’t be lonely? What I think is ironic about this is that I’m willing to bet WAY more people feel lonely than are willing to admit. (And I’m not a gambler, I am that confident with my odds here.)

People tend to generalize emotions. I am victim of this too. I recently talked to a mentor/friend, and she said to me, “Lacy, you keep coming back to the injustices.” Internally, I was like, “Cool”, 😒 (in one ear and out the other), and kept explaining to her what I was going through and the circumstances of the situation. She repeated herself, “Lacy, you keep coming back to the injustices.”

There are underlying themes around our feelings. Here are a few examples:

  • Unmet expectations = Disappointment
  • Wanting what someone else has = Envy
  • Impending danger = Fear
  • Achieving a goal = Joy

What my mentor/friend was getting at was that I was using all of these examples to explain the emotion that I couldn’t just name, but I wasn’t even aware yet that I was feeling! 🤦🏻‍♀️

  • Injustice = Anger

She was right. I was angry over this issue. With each explanation, I was implying that the situation and circumstances weren’t fair to me. And I didn’t even realize it. Sometimes, we are so invested that we are not objective. This is when our social connections become critical. (More on that a few paragraphs down.)

My point is that so. many. people communicate the underlying theme of loneliness without identifying the true emotion.

Former Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Vivek Murthy believes that loneliness is a public health concern:

A root cause and contributor to many of the epidemics sweeping the world today from alcohol and drug addition to violence to depression and anxiety.

There are 3 Dimensions of Loneliness:

  1. Intimate – emotional connection: a deep bond of affection and trust
  2. Relational – social connections: quality friendships and support
  3. Collective – community connections: network of common interests or purpose

If you are feeling lonely, chances are your tank is running low on one (or more) of these connections. My mentor/friend fulfilled a relational need to get me through a difficult situation.

I cannot emphasize enough that humans are social creatures that depend on one another. These connections are critical to our function.

Looking at this through the lens of pandemic, it is likely that you are feeling lonely. Admittedly, I am. My tank is currently running low on all 3 dimensions. FaceTime does not replace face time.

There is no shame in the admission of loneliness or any other emotion society conceives as “bad.” This pandemic is going to have lasting effects on our psyches. Self-awareness is imperative, and our ability to identify our emotions will help us get through this thing long-term. ☀️

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Emotion.

I write a lot about emotions and feeling them.  Psychology fascinates me, so it’s not surprising that this is where my writing leans.  But throughout my business and leadership readings, trainings, and experiences, it’s become quite evident to me how much emotion plays a part in our daily lives – and how many people dismiss it as playing an important part in our daily lives.

In a TED Talk presented by Harvard Medical School Psychologist Susan David, she performed a study of 70,000 people and found that 1/3 of these people judge or actively try to push aside “bad” emotions such as grief, anger, or sadness. 

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.  But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. 

Like, whoa. 🤯 She is so right!  And honestly, it bums me out.  I believe all emotions, good or bad (and everything in between and outside of), are part of life and should be felt, fully and completely.  It’s not what we do in life that makes life worth living, it’s the emotions that come with the doing that make us feel alive.  David validates this:

When we lean into the discomfort it helps us overcome it that much quicker.  The negative emotions help us feel alive.  Builds resilience and is a true driver to authentic happiness.

Some people say we can control how we feel.  I only partially believe that.  I cannot control how something I perceive hits me emotionally.  But the moment it hits me, I can manage that emotion.  Although I do believe that you can adapt and become more resilient to different emotions over time.  David explains in a way that may resonate more with a logical thinker:

Emotions are not directives.  The emotion is a data source.

Sometimes, we have a hard time naming specific emotions, but identification is essential.  When we label our emotions accurately we are able to discern the precise cause of our feelings activating part of our brain that allows us to take steps to move forward.

Personally, I am feeling a lot of different emotions during this pandemic.  It may seem that the “bad” is outweighing the “good”, but I guarantee you there are more wins in the day than you are giving yourself credit for. Yesterday, I went for a long walk.  Fresh air and exercise – win/win.  Got some ice cream – win.  Helped a friend with a problem he was having at work – win.  Woke up rested – win.  You get the picture.

I do encourage you to watch the full TED Talk, because Susan David has some really, really great quotes that I just couldn’t include them all here without completely plagiarizing her genius. (Although, I would totally love to take credit for some of her statements.) 😆🙌

At the end of the day, we’re all going through some tough shit here. You cannot control what others feel and how they deal with those emotions, but you can control how you deal with what you feel. So lean into it, own it, and work through it. 💖 How you feel will radiate outward. If we truly want to become “stronger together,” it starts within each of us.*

*Stay tuned for a post with more on this!

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Emotional.

Remember when I wrote about listening to the wrong podcast episode of The Happiness Lab that prompted the post Sharing is Caring?  Well, I finally listened to the episode that was originally recommended for me to listen to.  It was called “Don’t Think of the White Bear.” 

I don’t even remember why this specific episode was recommended to me by a colleague.  I think we were talking about how emotions are contagious.  But what I took away from the episode was actually justification to my feelings in the post Let Me Be.  Turns out, the best way to get over our emotions is to fully embrace them, while we’re feeling them.  This helps us get over them more quickly and makes them less impactful on the feelings of others.

Researchers conducted an experiment between parents and their children.  Some parents were exposed to a very stressful day, while others were not.  The parents who were super stressed were told to suppress their feelings and pretend that everything was okay while playing Legos with their children.  Researchers found that the children whose parents were suppressing stressful feelings performed worse at the task and had less fun than the other children.  The stressed parents got angrier, more upset, and they were less responsive to their children.  Their bad mood deteriorated their bad mood even further while playing with their kids.

We are inclined to believe that suppressing our feelings or pretending like they don’t exist is helping us, but it’s actually doing the opposite. It takes more work to ignore our feelings. 

Roughly 1,000 – 2,000 studies have been conducted on the health of people who either write or talk about traumatic experiences.  The people who confront their feelings tend to go to the doctor at half the rate, are in better physical health, have better immune systems, and perform better on tests. The Dalai Lama recommends that keeping a calm mind is the best way to work through our feelings.  One researcher does a short meditation when she is feeling frustrated or upset.  She intensely focuses on the emotion for a short period of time, and this allows her to move on more quickly and readily. 

Personally, I cry.  If I am super angry or upset or frustrated, I cry.  Likewise, when I am super happy or proud, I cry.  Whether the emotion is good or bad, when I feel intensely, I need to get it off my chest and release the buildup of emotional pressure.  Although I may not immediately feel 100% better, there is usually guaranteed improvement.

They say that self-awareness is the #1 quality of a great leader. Leaders recognize that emotions are contagious. They understand how they feel affects their thoughts and behaviors, which then affects the feelings and thoughts and behaviors of those around them – no differently than the experiment with stressed parents and their children.

Not coincidentally, the key to improving self-awareness is to fully embrace your emotions as you are feeling them. This helps you understand how your feelings influence your thoughts and behaviors. Having high emotional intelligence not only makes you a great leader, but it will also improve your relationships.

It’s one thing to know about self-awareness and how to manage your emotions, it’s another to put it into practice. Weather it’s a brisk walk, a meditation, or a good cry, find what works for you.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Guilt.

I recently read a quote that said you need to put others’ needs before your own. As someone trained in leadership, I know that you cannot be a successful leader without first taking care of yourself. You are at the foundation of your leadership, and if the foundation is weak, everything else will be too.

Rachel Hollis lists her priorities:

  1. Herself
  2. Her marriage
  3. Her children

Most people would look at this list and totally give her flack for putting herself and her husband before her children, but I get it and fully stand behind her. You know that saying, “When mom doesn’t feel good, no one feels good”? Everyone feels the effects of a weak leader, whether that leader is a CEO or parent or both.

I was talking to a friend the other day and told her, “I’ve been strong too long.” Everything has compounded, until I ultimately could no longer carry the weight and started to give. It’s no different than when you are sick. If you keep going, you will stay sick longer. But if you stop, rest, and give your body what it needs, you will recover more quickly.

Why is it less acceptable to treat our heart and soul in the same way? Self-care is critical to our function. Just because we can’t see something, doesn’t mean it’s not there. (I can go into a whole behavioral health tangent, but I will save that for another day.)

I had no plans this weekend. For the first time in months, I had no weekend commitment. And as we gear up for the Holidays, this was my only free weekend for another few weeks. And then…it came….a text…

“Playing for the Championships 10:30.” 😫 Instant guilt. My heart literally sank.

In my head, all I could think was no. I am not ready for this. I haven’t had enough time to recuperate. If I go, it will be out of obligation not desire. Then I will be slightly resentful, because this little thing is just one. more. thing. I haven’t even recovered from all the other things. And the healing weekend I had prepared for myself last weekend did not go as planned (which added to the things). And let’s be real, I had no outside weekend commitment, no event, no fundraiser, no family function. But there is still laundry, dishes, yard work and bills to pay, it’s not like I’m doing nothing this weekend. So feeling like a terrible person, I replied, “Not going to make it, but best of luck.”

I know my body, my, heart, and my soul. I know that I can carry a lot of weight, so when I say no, I mean no. And that should be respected. Instead, we are often made to feel guilty about choosing ones self. And in this case, I put the guilt on myself. Women, especially, I think do this all the time. Moms probably even more so. We are so focused on protecting the feelings of others that we neglect our own. But we cannot control how others feel.

We give so much of ourselves to our work, our family, our friends, and our community. Remember that post on the Work-Life Balance? Same applies with give and take. Life is giving and taking.

Lately, I’ve given so much of myself to my work and my community that today, I just did not have the energy to give my time to family too. Instead, I took that time for myself. Because I know that if I did not take this time to ease my soul, I would have been piling on more to an already weak foundation. With the holidays coming up, work and community will take a back seat to family. While I do feel bad for missing the game, opportunity to show I care will present itself soon enough.

Just like the work-life balance, let’s look at the give and take with a wider lens. Lately, work and community held more weight. In the upcoming weeks, life and family will hold more weight. So I’m not going to feel guilty for taking some time to recalibrate, because I want to appreciate the relationships, uphold the traditions, enjoy the company, and feel the love that the holidays bring. Those are the things that give our life meaning, and I don’t want to go into it with a burden of being one. more. thing.