by : lacylit10 Politics

Expectations vs. Reality in Public Service and Leadership

“Never trust a politician.” This was something I remember hearing growing up from nearly every elder in my family. With that firm belief tucked inside my brain, I never thought I would engage in politics as an adult. For better or worse, here I am, engaging with politics.

Essential Qualities of Effective Leaders

Begrudgingly, I have to give credit to those who choose to serve in public office. Just being on the peripheral, I find it to be, more often than not, infuriating and draining. There are many qualities that someone in a position of leadership should possess. Most leadership experts consider self-awareness to be the most critical. Empathy, humility and integrity are a few others.

In my experience working with local elected officials (and observation of state and federal officials), very few demonstrate all of these qualities. Many don’t seem to possess a single one. There are others who draw on certain leadership characteristics depending on the issue, the audience and the need. And while I would normally commend a leader for doing such, these characteristics should be demonstrated in continuity. The unpredictability of their leadership behaviors can be perceived as two-faced and untrustworthy, coming off as self-serving rather than others-serving.

Constituent Representation, Accountability

Politicians are elected by constituents. They report to the people. Seemingly, candidates view a majority vote as a popularity contest, a testament to how much they are liked. The victory inflates their ego, and they “serve” the people with very little meaningfully constructive feedback and essentially nonexistent disciplinary action. People look to them for help, and they tend to develop a bit of a “Savior Complex,”when it is not warranted or justified.

Even if I do not name names, I am not comfortable publicly sharing some of my negative experiences. They know who they are and what they have said or done to make me question their ability to be a competent and respected leader for our community. What is seemingly worse, though, is even that public admission may jeopardize my working relationship with them. Apparently, their conscience cannot handle the guilt. As I have learned from those who tried before me, retaliation does not necessarily come in the form of a denied project. But it can come in the form of stealth defamation or a refusal to take a meeting.

Where is their accountability?

At any level of government, when it becomes us versus them, I think it’s safe to assume who will win and which power will reign. But I think for some of us, it’s not so much about winning or losing. It’s not a matter of punishment or litigation (unless unlawful and unethical activity accounts for it). 

For me, at least, it comes down to those leadership characteristics. Tell the truth. Admit you’re wrong. Treat me with the same respect in which you expect to be treated. Don’t be condescending. Don’t lead me to believe one thing and then do another.

Balancing Public Service, Personal Integrity

Humble up and know your place. Put your ego aside and recognize that you have chosen to be a public servant. That requires taking criticism. It requires listening to a lot of opinions and juggling many different priorities. It requires talking to people you don’t like about subjects that make you uncomfortable.

It’s unfortunate that some of our most basic life lessons seemingly get forgotten once elected.

Also published in Noozhawk.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Sensitive.

Mornings are my favorite. But there is something about Sunday mornings in particular. I’m not sure if it’s restful peacefulness of a week coming to a close or the calm before an eventful week ahead. Either way, sitting with a warm cup of coffee ☕️ in front of my computer while the sun rises outside my office window – this is my happy place.

It’s a time of reflection and preparation. I type out the thoughts that have been weighing on my mind, more for my own processing than anything else. As with most mornings, it’s hard to narrow my thoughts into a flowable post. Topics that have been swirling in my brain lately evolve around transitions, change, expertise, love, past, connection, friendship, future, goals, and many other things. And I laugh a little, because this is so me. My mind working on a million things at once, trying to make sense of the world around me.

I’m one of those people who “read too much into things.” This was something that I used to be embarrassed and ashamed of. I can’t turn it off, and I can’t change it. I have always been told told “Don’t take it so personally. Get over it. You’re so sensitive. Grow thicker skin.” – and other similar phrases that told me I was weak and different.

It wasn’t until I started really diving into leadership that I realized my sensitivity was a strength and something to embrace. Finally, I didn’t feel so weird. Nuances I noticed that others did not gave me a competitive advantage.

Turns out, high sensitivity is an actual thing. Roughly 20% of the population are highly sensitive people. HSPs have stronger reactions to internal and external activity. Some studies have shown that HSPs have more active mental circuitry and neurochemicals in areas related to decision-making, action-planning, attention, and strong internal experiences, which means I can channel my “focus with precision, make thoughtful choices, and spark rich insights to bring great ideas to the table.” I am wired this way. It’s genetics. I really cannot change it.

I always say little things matter, and my comment is often dismissed by people who more than likely do not register on the HSP scale. But I’m more keen to subtleties than others. If someone shifts in their seat after a comment is made in a meeting, it could mean something. A certain tone or inflection when speaking could mean something. If my heart starts racing while walking by myself, it could mean something. Just because it could mean something, doesn’t mean it always does, but it is worth paying attention to the intuitive feelings and vibes people give.

I’m always trying to understand the why. It’s my own personal search to discover the unspoken language of the world. The more I learn about myself, the more I learn about others. The deeper I dive into emotion, neuroscience, and psychology, the better I understand why I am the way I am and why others are the way the are.

As time passes, the less I believe we should treat others the way we wish to be treated, and more so believe we should treat others the way they wish to be treated. Noticing nuances allows us to cater interactions to the individual, providing opportunity for vulnerability, empathy, and connection to occur.

People obviously recognized my sensitivity, but no one responded to it in a manner that was beneficial to me, and I spent much of my life thinking something was wrong with me. But I don’t blame anyone. A lot of this science didn’t exist when I was young, so we did the best we could. The thing is that when we approach people with an open mind and an open heart, we’re more likely to accept people as. they. are. Every person we encounter has something to teach us. We just have to be willing to learn. 💫

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Mistakes.

The beauty of being human is that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes.  In fact, I think learning from our mistakes helps build our character.  We have a right to our opinions, and we have a right to change our minds.

Humans. are. imperfect.  We all make mistakes.

Why is that we are so judgmental and misunderstanding when someone makes a mistake?  We become critical and accusatory of others, completely ignoring the fact that we, ourselves, also make mistakes.

In today’s media, (social and mainstream), we only see/hear/read snippets of stories.  I can’t tell you all about food safety in a 30-minute video, let alone a 30 second video that may hold your attention. For you to come to a conclusion about the safety of your food, even in a series of multiple 30 second videos is unreasonable.  Yet, this is exactly how we perceive something as true and accurate, when majority of necessary context has gone unwritten or unspoken.  

With the editing tools and hacks that are so widely available, really, we can never be 100% sure that what we see/hear/read in media is factual.  Not only is this why media literacy has become so important, but it also validates our need to be more empathetic as a society.  Just because we can use media as mindless entertainment doesn’t mean we should always consume it as. mindless. media.

The same concept applies to situations IRL.  There are few things we should take at face value, especially in times of crisis.  

If we think about this in terms of COVID.  The CDC first recommended not using a mask, then later came back with the recommendation, and the state of California made masks mandatory in public spaces.  I wouldn’t actually call this a mistake by the CDC, so much as they changed their mind as more scientific information became available. 

I critically judged the CDC for this.  As the most reliable source for information on public health, I felt they should get it right before publicizing.  But at the same time, I defend our use of pesticides until new science becomes available, and we learn that certain pesticides may no longer be safe.  I cannot make the exception for my belief, because it is my belief.  

Most of us act with genuinely good intentions, and our comments or actions get taken out of context or misunderstood without seeing the big picture. Whether in media or real-life, there is always more to a story. 

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Strength.

I was recently asked, “What makes you feel strong?”  The question caught me off-guard, and I did a quick analysis of my life.  I thought about my job, being a volunteer, public speaking, relationships, travel, the programs I’ve been part of, the opportunities I’ve had, and being a leader.  Without much conscious thought, I replied, “I feel strongest in my weakest moments.”

Then I got caught off-guard by my own response, and I’ve been thinking about it since.  I’m realizing how true the statement is.  

There have been times where I am curled up in a ball, crying, feeling every piece of my heart break 💔, experiencing extremely deep hurts that translate into actual pain.  In these moments of complete emotional vulnerability, there is something empowering in knowing that I. will. make. it through.  It’s absolute faith in God’s greater plan.  It is resilience in action.

It seems to me that almost everything we equate to strength in our culture today is actually the opposite of what strength is.  Strength is the power to resist force or attack. Read that slowly, intentionally, and take it in.

I don’t want this to be a political post, but there are so many examples in our political climate.  Truly peaceful protests are a sign of strength.  When it takes a turn to violence and vandalism, it is no longer a demonstration of strength.  It is a sign of weakness, because we have not resisted the urge to fight or attack.  Consider how much effort (aka strength) it takes to hold back emotion when we are angry.   I had to have a courageous conversation with my boss a couple of weeks ago, and it took everything I had to not burst into tears.

There is a big difference between leaning into our emotions and letting our emotions control us.  There is a right time and a right place.  There are healthy and unhealthy ways to manage our feelings.  

I’m not really much of a runner anymore, but a couple of months ago, I was going through some tough shit.  I decided to go pound pavement; I needed my body to feel the pain my heart was feeling.  I talked it out and I cried it out, but I still wasn’t feeling any better.  So I ran it out.  And man, did it help. 🏃🏻‍♀️  

I ran hard, and fast, and for a surprisingly long time!  When I stopped, I thought my lungs were going to collapse.  I let out all of my pain in that run.  Kind of like Phoebe…only angrily…🤪

Not only did the run make me feel emotionally strong, but it made me feel physically strong. I’m not saying running is the solution for everyone. Now, I will literally only run if I’m experiencing that kind of hurt. (Running is not fun. 😂)

In leadership, you must lead yourself, before you lead others, before you lead organizations. This is why self-awareness is so important. When we become more attuned to our own emotions, we naturally (and unconsciously) gain the ability to recognize signals in others increasing our empathetic ability to hopefully respond with kindness and compassion. Leadership requires a strong foundation, and it all begins with you.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Compassion.

Remember when I said 2020 would be epic?  I wasn’t really wrong, was I? 🤦🏻‍♀️ But this definitely wasn’t what I had in mind either.  It’s been such an interesting year so far, and we’re only half way through.

Whether I like it or not, I’m finally starting to settle into this “new normal”.  (A term I am also actually coming to hate.)  It’s been an adjustment, that is for. sure.  And really, I don’t have it nearly as bad as a lot of people.  But that’s not to discount the challenges I have faced during this transition; I’ve definitely been fighting some battles.  Still, I can’t help but feel a bit selfish for indulging in my own sorrows.  Brené Brown calls this “comparative suffering.”  

Comparative suffering is when you minimize someone else’s challenges in comparison to your own – or vice versa.  

I think it’s really important to remind ourselves that we are in. the. midst. of a global pandemic!  We all have a right to feel what we feel, as the experience and ripple effects have affected us all so differently.

Epic is defined as “extending beyond the usual or ordinary in size or scope.” I think this qualifies! 😂 There is so. much. happening beyond the usual and out of the ordinary, not just globally and collectively but individually and personally too.

I think the cure for comparative suffering is empathy and compassion.  We may not fully understand the struggles someone else is facing, but we can definitely tap into the struggles we are facing to relate.  And it’s not just about being compassionate with others, it’s also showing compassion to yourself.  

Brené Brown has a great little video on the difference between sympathy and empathy. But it also includes compassion, although it’s not specifically addressed. Here’s how I would describe the differences:

  • Sympathy – “I see you.”
  • Empathy – “I understand you.”
  • Compassion – “I will help you.”

The deer is demonstrating sympathy. The bear demonstrates empathy by looking into himself and reflecting on something that gives him the same feeling. Going into the hole, sitting with the fox, lending an ear, and giving a hug, that is compassion.

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by : lacylit10 Leadership

Empathy.

I have a colleague that made a big mistake.  Because of our roles and responsibilities within the company, I had to pick up the pieces of his fall-out.  And I. was. pissed. about it. 😤 His poor judgment caused me additional stress and hours more of work.  I made damn sure he knew all that I had to do to cover his ass.  If I had to swoop in and rescue him, he was going to learn a lesson out of it.

Now, he’s normally pretty up-to-snuff.  After the dust settled a bit, I asked him how he was doing.  Turns out, he took his mistake pretty hard.  He felt terrible about it, guilty, and embarrassed.  Additionally, he was going through a lot in his personal life.  As we had this conversation, I started to feel like an asshole for coming down on him so hard.  

Emotions dictate our connections with one another, so why do we feel we need to hide them?  

What people do at home feeds back on professional performance and vice versa.  We shouldn’t pretend that it doesn’t.

Paul Zak, Trust Factor

The Cleveland Clinic started a program called Code Lavender. 💜 When a physician or nurse is facing high-stress or burnout (due to a difficult patient or death), they wear a lavender bracelet.  The bracelet alerts their colleagues that they are emotionally fragile and to treat them with care.  This is similar to the emotion chart that I’ve seen on the internet that teachers do with their students.  Based on how the child is feeling, the teacher welcomes them into the classroom with a fist bump, a high-five, a hug – or whatever.  

Wouldn’t it be nice to know what people are feeling and base our interactions with them knowing this information prior to engagement?  

I want us to individually be successful, so we can collectively be successful.  Had I of known the burden my colleague was carrying that led to his error in judgement, I would have approached the situation more empathetically.  Had he of expressed the burden he was carrying prior; he could have leaned on me for additional support.  That is caring.  That is a relationship.  That is teamwork.

I 💯 believe in setting expectations upfront.  I like to be well-equipped with pertinent information, so that I can bring the most value possible.  If I ask you to take water samples for me, I’m going to provide you with all the information necessary to perform the task.  Why wouldn’t we supply someone with the emotional information necessary to build the relationship?  It doesn’t even matter if that relationship is personal or professional.  All professional relationships are personal to some extent.

Emotions are a valuable information flow that leaders ignore at their peril.

Paul Zak, Trust Factor

Oftentimes, mistakes get made when we are emotionally challenged.  We are distracted by what we feel that we lose focus on tasks at hand.  This is natural human behavior.  Even those who are able to separate logic from emotion are affected to some degree. Neither is for better or worse, depending on how you look at it.

Empathy is understanding how someone feels.  Compassion is relieving some of the burden.  And more often than not, relieving some of the burden is just providing an ear to listen.

Though we have work-related communication almost daily, I’ve since made a more conscious effort to talk to this colleague about life in general more regularly.  Having a better understanding of who he is outside of work helps builds a better relationship inside of work.