The underlying theme for disappointment is unmet expectations. How true is that when you really think about it? When I’m disappointed in myself, I am usually left questioning, “What did I do wrong? How could I have done better?” When I’m disappointed in someone else, I’m usually left wondering, “If he would only…” 🙄
It’s harder for me to be disappointed in other people than it is to be disappointed in myself. At least when I haven’t met my own expectations, I can reflect to see if I laid my head and my heart on the line (logic and emotion). If I didn’t, I know to do better and can take steps toward improvement.
Other people, well…it seems a lot of other people are comfortable with complacency.
Did you ever learn about rhetoric appeals?
Rhetoric appeals are tools described by Aristotle used to persuade. If you’re trying to convince someone of something, do you tug at their heart strings (emotions aka “pathos”) or do you need to present facts and data (logic aka “logos”)? And how do you establish your credibility (aka “ethos”) to make this person believe you?
Personally, I don’t think successful persuasive arguments focus on one or the other, I think it’s a combination of all three. The argument should be fluid, laying in more heavily to one or the other depending on the reactions you receive.
I also believe that ethos, pathos, and logos can be applied to nearly anything in life, not just persuasive arguments. To help explain what I mean, I created a structure of appeals*:
Our ethics are our guiding principles. Like a company’s mission statement, these things rarely change. Even the most analytical person has a heart, and even the most emotional person appreciates facts. Utilizing all three drives results.
- Ethos is my goal – It’s an expectation I’ve set for myself driven by personal beliefs.
- Pathos is my intuition – It’s my passion, my energy, and my attitude.
- Logos is my work – It’s the actions that go into reaching my goal.
If I don’t put my head and my heart into reaching my goal, I have a greater chance of being disappointed. When I lay both on the line, I know that I’ve done all that I can do.
I think most people focus on logic or emotion. (Or they’re complacent and don’t really give a shit about any of it. 🤷🏻♀️) We default to our strengths; that’s human nature. But if I want to be successful in any area of life, I’m gonna try my best not to half-ass it by focusing on one or the other.
I have a friend who is very driven by his morals and logic-focused. He says he wants to be the best he can be. But he neglects the importance of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. He dismisses emotions as touchy/feely nonsense; he equates emotions to weakness.
But if you remember Brené Brown’s earliest definition of courage…
To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.
We would never dismiss facts, so why do we so easily dismiss emotions as important? Emotions are non-verbal cues (facts) from our heart! If my friend truly wants to be the best he can be, he needs to change the narrative. Based on this definition, being vulnerable with our emotions is lit.er.a.lly. the. most. courageous thing we can do!
When you have to do something you don’t want to do, it sucks, right? You don’t give it your best effort. It becomes something you tolerate. You’re guided by ethos, using logos, and results are likely mediocre.
But when you do something you want to do, it’s a completely different ballgame. You give it your best effort. You’re enthusiastic about it. You’re guided by ethos, using logos and pathos, and results are likely stellar.
I hate being disappointed by others, so the last thing I want to do is disappointment someone else. This is why I like expectations to be laid out upfront: to minimize confusion or miscommunication. I can control how much head and heart I put into whatever I do, but I can’t control how much head and heart someone else puts into whatever they do. Laying out clear expectations at least sets that person up for success. What they choose to do with it then becomes up to them.
*I can’t take full credit for this, because I feel like it’s an adaptation of things that I’ve learned. But having learned those things over time, I can’t pinpoint the specific influence.
