by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Silver Linings in the Storm.

It’s been about 8 months since I’ve been here, writing from the heart. My break was not due to lack of content. While it is not unusual for me to be vulnerably honest in my struggles, I didn’t like the tone of what I was creating. I didn’t want it to sound as though I was crying out for help or attention. Because neither of those were the reality. 

The reality is something I had never experienced before. This past year has made me question a lot in my life. The people in it. My purpose. What is fulfilling. 

When I quit my job last year, I had a feeling my life was going to flourish. What I did not expect was for my world to implode. Initially, I did not consider that sometimes you have to tear the house down to its foundation in order to build it back better and stronger, more durable, and with a refreshed aesthetic. 

That’s what this last year has been. A slow, arduous tearing down of what I had created and what I had become. Not that any of it was bad, per se. But I’ve dug deeper than I’ve ever done, and I discovered many new things about myself and my life. You realize that you’ve been operating a certain way for so long, that you didn’t recognize there is a better way to function. 

More than that, I’ve somewhat enjoyed the solitude. Much of the noise has been blocked out, albeit, not by choice. While I would like to say it has allowed me to hear my own voice more loudly and clearly, that’s not really the case. My voice has been clouded by negativity, pessimism, and helplessness. 

As you know, I believe God gives us breadcrumbs, small clues that lead us down certain pathways to our future. Those breadcrumbs have led me down numerous roads with dead ends and detours. My future is seemingly moving forward through a process of elimination. It’s been a lot of disappointment, a lot of rejection, and a lot of insecurity. The journey has been a lot longer than anticipated, and I am tired. 

But I also know the only way out is to keep on going. I will continue to muster up strength, motivation, and confidence, because I do know that good things lie ahead. 

Don’t get me wrong, though, I can see silver linings in this storm. There are people who have stepped up. There have been valuable lessons learned. And more importantly, love has come my way once again.

by : lacylit10 Entrepreneurship, Life Lessons

The Humbling Kind of Hard.

“Choose your hard.” A phrase, I think, coined by Mel Robbins. While the obstacles we run into are typically not our choice, how we respond to those obstacles is within our control. 

A while back, I mentioned that I felt I was breaking when I quit my job. Several months later, that is more true now than it was then. 

I am not someone who typically makes unplanned decisions or doesn’t have a back-up plan. But I followed my intuition in that decision, and I know it was ultimately for the better. When everyone told me I was not going to have any trouble finding another job, I also knew that wasn’t going to be true. But I was certain that God was going to be doing some serious work in my life.

Although I did not know what to expect, I can’t say I was prepared for this. That’s just how He works, isn’t it? 

On many levels, my basic needs are not being met. I feel weak. I feel insecure. I feel vulnerable. I feel scared. Uncertain. Somedays, I feel pathetic and desperate. I feel withdrawn and lonely. I feel closed and distant. I feel trapped. Like, none of these are good or positive things to feel. And the more time goes on, the harder it is becoming not to fall into a pessimistic view and spiral into a depression.

Every once in a while, I do feel glimmers of hope and strength. But this weekend I was reminded of something I said way back in 2020. This is a mood I need to seriously lean into.

So, yesterday, I literally spent the entire day feeling sorry for myself. I can’t tell you how many times I broke into tears. I did a little bit of work, but I spent most of the day curled up on the couch binge watching Vanderpump Rules. I leaned into the bad and negative emotions hard. And it felt good to be unapologetically miserable. I didn’t have to put on a smile or a brave face for anyone. I didn’t have to be confident in selling my business services. I didn’t have to pretend to be anything else or feel anything else. I let myself feel as weak, vulnerable, and insecure as I possibly could.

I had been becoming more emotional over the past few weeks, because, I realized, I had been bottling up my emotions for too long. I needed a big, heavy, ugly cry. I needed to get it all out of my system so that I could have renewed strength to continue carrying on. 

I do, however, want to recognize that this experience hasn’t been all bad. I have had a lot of meetings with a lot of people. People are putting me in touch with others and word is spreading about what I am doing. A lot of people are helping me. A lot of people want to work with me. I’m not really getting “no”. But this has been a long process of meeting with a lot of people and not getting the “yes” answers that will replenish my needs.

The most recent obstacles of my past have been challenges. Obstacles to overcome in the effort to achieve or advance is one type of hard. When the obstacles you face stem from loss of basic needs, it’s a humbling type of hard. A stern reminder that the obstacles we face are not a choice, but how we respond to them is a test of our faith, our values, our morals, and our character.

This. is. only. temporary. I can choose to give up on this dream, continuing to avoid the magic or I can choose the hard that leads to belonging. If the first step is the hardest, then there’s no turning back now.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Biggest Lesson of The Year.

I’ve been seeing a lot of people post about the biggest lessons they’ve learned this year, and I have been mulling over mine for the past several weeks. This has been a very significant year of growth for me, and I’m not sure I can narrow it down to one big lesson. If I had to summarize what I’ve learned into a general theme, I think my biggest lesson would be that courage can take a long time to build. 

The more philosophical definition states: courage is the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, pain, danger, etc. without fear. I like this definition more than “doing something that frightens one.”

What I find interesting about these definitions of the same word is that one definition says to do it with fear, the other says to do it without. What I find fascinating about the conflicting definitions is that it’s a great example of the complexity of language. Context matters. The courage to jump out of a plane is different from the courage it takes to walk away from a marriage.

The courage I’m referring to is the philosophical kind. To get your mind and spirit into a state of confidence to do something without fear requires identifying and overcoming insecurities and weaknesses. It requires self-reflection and processing. It requires intentional, meaningful, purposeful, and thoughtful consideration. These things definitely do not happen overnight. In fact, it can take years. And I don’t feel like people tell you that. 

We live in such a fast-paced, instant gratification society. We never see the work that goes into building the final product. Singer Lainey Wilson spent over ten years in the country music industry trying to make it before she became an “overnight” success. I’m sure those ten years were a critical time of learning, both personally and professionally, before she was launched into fame. 

God’s timing is perfect.

When I reflect on some of the challenges I’ve faced, I’ve been thinking about those with whom I have confided. They have been so patient and supportive. They’ve known for a long time what I am just coming to terms with. Part of me feels silly for admitting now what they’ve been softly telling me for years. While I logically knew what they were telling me was true, my heart hadn’t caught up. Until now. My mind and spirit are finally aligned. And I’m so grateful for their kindness. They knew I would get there in my own time. They never pushed. They let me feel what I needed to feel, go through the (e)motions, and learn the lessons on my own. 

Philosophical courage comes from deep within your soul, and it takes time to rise to your head and your heart. And that’s okay. To embrace the nature of courage, getting to a place of quality mind and spirit to do something without fear, takes courage in itself. There are so many factors woven into the fabric of who we are. Tugging at one thread, sometimes, unravels several others. It takes focus and patience to mend. We can be hard on ourselves for not getting there in a timeframe others expect of us or we wish of ourselves. And it’s important to recognize, not everyone will choose to repair in the first place. It takes courage to start, courage to endure, and courage to overcome.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Testing My Patience … and My Faith.

I believe in God. There are numerous examples I can give where I have seen Him work in my life. But those examples are mostly in answered prayers. Putting my mind to something, and God giving me the strength and ability to achieve it. The only true test I can think of, in my experience, of questioning God, has been in overcoming depression. Years, and years, and years, would go by. Almost daily I would beg for the misery to be over, while simultaneously trusting He had a plan. 

It was about 10 years after my “official” diagnosis, and at least another 10 more from the onset of symptoms. At least 10 full years of not knowing or understanding why I felt a certain way. And another 10 years of knowing and understanding, but not really improving. Twenty years of faith. Twenty years of believing. Twenty years of trusting.

It was a long time. A long time of feeling helpless, but not hopeless.

I’ve been here before. At the mercy of His will. Making slow progress forward.  

It’s hard. Hard to have patience to let things play out as they may. Hard to not try and control the situation, even when I don’t have answers that could possibly change it.

Vulnerable truth be told, I’ve been praying for a closer relationship with Him. I had drifted, and I desired to feel Him working more deeply within me. There were surface-level ways I could see his movement, but I was seeking a gut-level reminder that He is with me. I needed stronger signals guiding me down the right path.

It’s the irony that consistently restores my faith. The creative ways in which He delivers almost never aligns with my naive expectations. 

I believe that God gives us breadcrumbs. Subtle clues that move us forward. But for me, roughly every 10 years, I get hit with something bigger, where I am faced with a life shift. After a significant time of putting my head down and focusing on personal and professional growth, I am somewhat forced to lift my head and look forward to determine, with all of my newly accumulated life experience, which path I want to take next.

And while I am certain that path is already determined, the time of self-reflection given for evaluation is a blessing. 

Everyone has different definitions of what living life to the fullest looks like. I don’t like to spend a lot of time looking back on what could have or should have been. I believe things play out exactly as they are supposed to, so there is no point in wishing it could have been different. Yes, there are decisions I wish I did not make or had made sooner, but I may not have learned the lesson or acquired the wisdom from the experience that contributes to my character, my beliefs, and my values – the core things that make me who I am. And it is those core things that, for me, define my life and how I lived it. It’s not how many countries I’ve traveled to or how much money I have in my bank account; it’s how I have served those around me. 

As a side note: I can think of one specific person who would question how I served them. Who would be the naysayer in my belief about myself. The funny thing is that this person doesn’t really know me at all. And the way I am choosing to serve them is essentially by not acquiescing to their behaviors, actions, and attitudes. Everything they seemingly hate about me is actually the gift I am giving them. Sometimes the lesson that we need to teach others is one they must come to learn on their own. 

But I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I know, and God knows my journey. And these gut-level life shift times of reflection and evaluation remind me that He is still here. He is still guiding me. He is still working in my life. And through all of the missteps, He still loves me unconditionally. And in my moments of doubt, He still provides.

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by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Finding A Place to Shine.

The last ten to fifteen years have been some of the most influential of my life. I overcame depression, finished an associate’s degree, bachelor’s degree, and master’s degree. I began my career in agriculture, which propelled me into all sorts of things I never expected for my life. At some point, I put my head down and just went with it. While there were definitely moments of reflection and self-discovery, there was never any real pause. Which has been one of the biggest blessings in this time off.

But as you know, I believe contentment is what we should strive for to lead a healthy and fulfilling life. With the good, there is bad.

I am seemingly acutely aware that I am not just in a transitional phase, but on the brink of a pivotal shift in my life. I am coming to terms with certain realities that kept surfacing in which I have consistently tried to ignore and avoid. I have been clear with my expectations, and I have set boundaries. I have given others time to adjust. I feel that this time is giving my mind, body, and soul the rest it needs to muster up the strength and courage to make life-changing decisions. And it’s scary AF.

My homepage talks about belonging. Belonging is being true to ourselves, which is not something I think we ever truly achieve. Perhaps, that is the journey. As long as we continually grow, adapt, and open our minds and our hearts, we will constantly rediscover who we are with new information and new experiences. Being true to ourselves requires regular reflection, attention, and action.

A lot of the unhappiness I experienced over the last couple of years is because my head and my heart were not aligned. I let my head lead the way, and my heart reluctantly followed. As I move forward, I am really trying to move forward with my heart first. However, that direction comes with less. Less security. Less certainty. Less support. And maybe that is the test. The Lord will provide. Right?

Easier said than done though. All of it. Following your heart. Living authentically. Being true to yourself. Believing. Having faith. And maybe I’m just overthinking it all. But doesn’t thinking have to go into it to live intentionally, purposefully, and meaningfully? Maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What I do know is that the decisions that will soon be before me have the potential to change the trajectory of my life, if I am brave enough to follow my heart. Part of me feels like I am putting an undue amount of pressure on myself. But at the same time, I can’t change what I feel or ignore it. And I feel that big things are on the horizon. I will just continue to pray that I know the “right” choices when they are presented.

So much of my identity was based around my career, and my cousin said something very wise about it. She said, “A job doesn’t make you who you are. It just gives you a place to shine.” So here’s 🥂 to learning to shine on my own.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

New Beginnings.

I quit my job on Friday. In a move that will seem abrupt to, well, basically everyone, it was a decision that was needed and a rather long time coming. I’m still a little in shock, so I’m turning to the place that always brings me comfort in processing my emotions.

As I anticipate what kind of remarks I will hear when people find out, I think it really comes down to one thing: I listened to what my mind, body, and soul were telling me and acted accordingly. Was it risky? Yeah. Am I scared? Yeah. Do I feel good about it? Eh. I’m not 💯 there yet. But I do know that my head and my heart were not aligned, and it wasn’t going to be a position I (or the company) could thrive in because of that.

Part of me is grieving the future I thought I had figured out. The other part of me feels exhilarated by the limitless possibilities before me.

When I think about the things that truly bring me joy and fulfillment, it wasn’t in the work I was doing. I know a lot of people are going to say, “Work is work.” Then you have others who say, “When you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.” Well, I don’t know who is right, but I’d like to believe the ladder is true.

That position is what I’ve been working toward. It was everything I thought I wanted. Over the last two years, I learned, I want more out of a job and more out of my life. In my gut, I know that I. can. have. it. all. I know it. And now I have more clarity on what I do and do not need to help me achieve everything I want. How cool is that?

A lot of people settle in their roles. They settle for the job, the money, the notoriety, or whatever it may be, and they either knowingly or unknowingly suffer because of it. For the better, I am too self-aware to know when something isn’t right. And with this decision, I proved to myself that I have the courage to make bold moves.

Back in December of 2021, two months after I started the new job, I wrote that I was content with my new role and that I no longer desired to be a writer. I lied. To you and to myself. Here I am, writing, a blog post I started less than 24 hours after I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. This is my happy place.

Leadership is somewhat counterintuitive. People think it is about serving others before serving oneself, but it is actually about knowing yourself and caring for yourself, first, in order to bring your best self to serve others. I had been neglecting myself, and it began to show in more ways than one.

I don’t know what my next move will be. It’s exciting, nerve-racking, a bit stressful, and a bit liberating. But I do believe that God has a plan. I believe that with risk comes reward. I believe that good things come when you follow your heart. And I believe that when things are right, they fall into place. So, while I can admit that I am having a hard time trusting the process, I do believe that this unexpected journey is taking me where I am supposed to go.

What brings me comfort in all of this is that I have been seeking a closer relationship with God. It’s ironic how He works, isn’t it?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Stay tuned…✨✨