by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Fine Lines.

I find it ironic that it’s sometimes the people who are against talking about feelings or self-reflecting that are the most emotional.  In business, it can be challenging for subordinates or colleagues to approach these people with constructive feedback.  It’s waiting until that person is in the right mood, reading the situation, treading lightly, and being deliberate with the words you say.  While this typically applies in any situation, some (people and situations) are more sensitive than others. 

When developing new relationships, personally or professionally, the same approach applies.  We walk fine lines.  It’s not until a level of trust builds that we can be more direct.  We often don’t really care so much about hurting a family member’s feelings.  We will “tell them like it is” because sometimes “the truth hurts” and “it has to be said.”

Everyone has a different communication style, and there are 4 specific ones that most people refer to (information is readily available with a Google search):

  1. Passive – Indifferent, yielding to others; fail to express feelings or needs, allowing others to express themselves, lack of eye contact.
    • “It doesn’t matter.”
  2. Aggressive – Emphasized by speaking in a loud and demanding voice, intense eye contact; issue demands and rudely ask questions; fails to listen to others.
    • “I’m right, and you’re wrong.”
  3. Passive-Aggressive – Passive on the surface but may fill powerless or stuck within, building up resentment; do not confront a person or issue; difficulty acknowledging their anger; may give silent treatment or talk about someone behind their back.
    • “That’s fine, but don’t be surprised if someone else isn’t okay with it.”
  4. Assertive – Open communication without being overbearing; can express own needs and desire while considering others; aim for a win/win situation.
    • “Agree to disagree.”

I think we all use these different communication styles depending on the situation, but we definitely have a preferred style.  Several years ago, I probably would have been a passive communicator and preferred to be communicated with in any style but aggressive.  Today, I’m much more of an assertive communicator and prefer to be communicated with in an assertive style.  I like expectations to be laid out upfront.  I want to understand the purpose of the conversation, and the intent of the person speaking.  

I was reading a book awhile back that talked about romance, specifically, how courtship has shifted.  Today, when we court someone, communication is usually via text and asking someone on a date is more “Wanna hang out?” Well, “Wanna hang out?” can mean any sorts of things to many different people.  It’s a very passive invitation.  

Courtship used to mean calling a landline, maybe even leaving a message 😱, and asking someone out on a date, specifically for the purpose of dating.  You walk a fine line when getting to know someone as it is.  You want to be forthcoming but not too forward.  You want to be inquisitive but not intrusive.  You want to be supportive but not clingy.  There are so many uncertainties during this phase of courtship.  We make it more complicated by passively putting ourselves out there verses assertively putting ourselves out there.  We’ve stopped actually putting our heart on that fine line we’re walking.

We are constantly walking a fine line, both in our personal and our professional lives.  Because either way, you are developing a relationship.  As I said, some people and some situations are more sensitive than others.  Whether a person is emotional or not, how we approach a situation and the words we choose can dramatically affect the message and the impact of a conversation.  It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.

The medium is the message.

Marshall McLuhan

Perhaps, this is why I’m so judgmental when a guy texts me before calling. A passive “We should hang out.” text message is far less impressive than an assertive in-person “Would you like to go on a date?” Expectation is clear, and intent is clear.

I feel like you have a better chance of not being rejected in-person, because you have all the non-verbal cues to know whether that person is interested or not. But I understand the vulnerability that comes with taking that chance in-person. It’s my head and my heart coming from two different places. But the only way to not set myself up for disappointment is to lay them both on the line.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Trust.

I once saw a meme that said, “Dating is getting to know someone until you realize you don’t like that person anymore.”  I mean, how true is that statement though? 😬 It’s kind of sad when you really think about it.  You invest time, energy, and emotion in someone until you ultimately discover that person is not worth your time, energy, and emotion.

There are a lot of great things about being single, don’t get me wrong.  The freedom is undeniably one of the best aspects of it.  But the dating part is hard.

First, choosing the person you want to date.  Not just anyone will set off the “cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that accompanies the exciting first phase of love.  The person we select has to smell right, feel right, look right, and be just right in our arms.  Then, and only then, will the cascade get started.” – John Gottman, Ph.D

Once we choose that person (which I think is a conscious and subconscious decision), our brain releases several chemicals that have enormous influence on our judgment and affection.  These chemicals include a natural form of amphetamine, dopamine, pheromones, and oxytocin.  Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined this phase of love as “limerence”.  Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession typically experienced by an involuntary strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.

It is our biological makeup that reacts to the people we are attracted to.  We cannot control the release of these chemicals, which is what makes the initial phase of relationships so intoxicating and exciting.  Then we enter the make it or break it phase of the relationship: Building Trust. 

This is where we discover we may not really like that person after all.  Some of those feel good chemicals have worn off, our blinders are no longer up, and we start to see this person for who they really are.

As we navigate through learning whether or not our partner can be trusted, we experience feelings of frustration, disappointment, sadness, and exasperation.  If healthy, positive conflict discussions ensue, the relationship has a better likelihood of working.  If blaming arguments occur, well, it’s the opposite. 

In animal research, scientists found that oxytocin and vasopressin are two chemicals associated with lifelong pair-bonding among prairie voles.  Prairie voles have high levels of oxytocin; they mate for life.  In a study, when scientists blocked the oxytocin receptors, the animals no longer formed monogamous bonds and tended to roam.

Oxytocin has been called “the love hormone” or “the cuddle hormone” because it plays an important role in forming attachments.  Our style of attachment (secure or insecure) as adults is rooted in how we bonded with caregivers as infants and children, namely our mother.  When you hold an infant, they wiggle in your arms to find comfort.  Once they find it, they put the whole weight of their body on you.  They give you com.plete. trust. with their being.  They feel safe and secure.

The building of trust is about having your partner’s best interests in mind and at heart.

John Gottman

In Trust Factor: The Science of Creating High-Performance Companies, Paul Zak describes the chemical reactions in our brains on how we respond to challenges and how trust is created.  In rodents, oxytocin has been shown to signal that another animal was safe to approach.  In an experiment conducted by Zak’s team, they found that oxytocin tended to reduce the fear of trusting a stranger.

Challenge stresses, (a difficult but achievable task), releases oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.  Chemicals that intensify your focus and strengthen social connections.  In dating, this would probably be “the chase”.

Ultimately, you cultivate trust by setting a clear direction, giving people what they need to see it through, and getting out of their way.

Paul Zak

This comes down to expectations, communication, and feedback.  Not only are these typically weak areas in businesses, but also just in day-to-day relationships with coworkers, friends, family, and romantic partners.  

What’s interesting to me about all of this is that it goes to show that whether you are in a romantic or professional relationship with someone, our chemical reactions to building trust are essentially the same.  Healthy and positive conflict discussions in either type of relationship will see more success.

by : lacylit10 Leadership

Conflict Resolution.

There is a man that I respect who is very intelligent but typically has bad delivery. He has these great ideas and points to make, but his thoughts are scattered when he speaks and sometimes just listening to him and/or conversations with him are hard to follow. He recognizes this about himself and even pokes fun at himself for it.

I went to a meeting with him, where he vocalized his opinion and literally got laughed at. In a room full of professional adults, this lady legit lol’d during his commentary. 

After the meeting, he said to me, “I said what needed to be said. I don’t really care if they think I’m an idiot.”

That is having courage.

Because he was right. He said what everyone else was too afraid to say. And can they really judge him when he had the guts to vulnerably admit the problem? No. He took one for the team. Everyone else wanted to dance around the issue. And you know why she laughed? Because he called her out on it.

People are so afraid of conflict that they don’t realize they’re creating more of it by not directly addressing the issue head-on.

While conflict is uncomfortable, it needs to be hashed out. Like this man, I’m typically the one who wants to call people out on their bullshit, so we can find solutions. That’s the only way you will truly move forward.

But people have very emotional responses to conflict. I’m not immune to this either. Criticism, negative feedback – these are tough pills to swallow.

I recently approached someone with a problem I was having. He needed to be made aware of a situation, and I was dreading this conversation. I psyched myself out about it before I approached him. I had a lump in my throat. Pretty sure my hands were shaking. I knew exactly how the conversation was going to go down, and it went down worse than I anticipated. I presented him with facts. I had examples. But he got defensive, made excuses, and then completely shut down.

Now, I work in a masculine industry. Feelings don’t belong in farming, right?

WRONG!

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Our feelings drive our behavior, our attitude, and our actions. Do you think he responded the way he did, because he was unfazed by the information? No. I struck a nerve.

And how did I respond to the situation? I. Was. Pissed. This was not an easy conversation for me to start, and he completely dismissed what I had to say. And for as much as I’d like to be completely passive-aggressive in our future encounters, my leadership training has taught me to rise above. (Also, I’m slightly resenting all that training in this instance.)

Conflict is necessary for good communication and in good relationships. We can’t just constantly talk about all that’s great in the world. Look how that’s gone down in social media. People only post the best part of their lives, and we are left feeling inadequate. We become disengaged, self-conscious, and unworthy. Do you want to feel that way in your personal and professional lives too?

There’s a great quote that I’ll paraphrase, because I don’t know who said it, but it goes something like: conflict is not the difference between good and bad but between truth and lies.

Yeah, it sucks to be dismissed or laughed at. But plant the seed. (Farm pun not intended but should definitely be recognized.) You will feel better for making the effort and stating your peace. The truth will come out eventually, and the conflict will no longer be avoidable.

The longer the conflict lingers, the worse off you will be. People go into self-preservation mode and facts become fuzzy. Feelings build. Minor issues become major issues.

We are human; we make mistakes. How you handle conflict is a true test of character. In my examples, one man earned some of my respect while the other lost some. So which do you think I’m inclined to build a better relationship with?