by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Control.

Control has been on my mind a lot lately for many reasons.  Some things have happened that are beyond my control, and some things have happened where I am taking control.  Since I frequently write about the need to control what we can control, it has me wondering why this is my desire?  

I would not consider myself a “control freak.”  I’m actually really easygoing when it comes to a lot of things.  In fact, what I’m realizing is that I may have been too easygoing in the past.  

Control is defined as “the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.”  If you’ve read my intro, you’ll know that I believe leadership is about influence.  Somewhere on my leadership journey, in learning how to influence others, I realized I am being negatively influenced by some people around me.  

We all have the right to be treated how we want to be treated.  Using our ability to influence, we actually have the ability to control how people treat us.  Like, this may not be earthshattering news.  But realistically, few of us are really aware of how we are being negatively influenced by others.  

Not so coincidentally, I recently listened to a podcast episode of the Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos on Epictetus and the Stoics.  The episode description says:

There are things we can control and things we can’t control. There are also things we can influence a bit. Being able to accept this concept and only set our goals accordingly saves us a lot of anguish. It’s a key lesson of Stoicism.

See why I said “not so coincidentally”?

To break it down: Philosophy professor Bill Irvine said that there is actually ambiguity in control: there are things that you cannot control, things that you can control, and things that you can influence.  He calls this the trichotomy of control.

The concepts of trichotomy of control and Stoicism have shed some new light on the situation I am trying to find peace within.

Feeling trapped in a situation I didn’t want to be in, I had been looking for an escape route.  But none of the escape options bring me immediate relief either.  And an escape route is looking for an easy way out. And I never take the easy way. So here I am.  Learning about Stoicism trying to reframe the situation to make it more bearable.  And you know what?  It worked. (So far.)

Normally, when people say “make a pros and cons list.” I’m like, “Yeah, okay 🙄. ” Then never actually do it.  But in this situation, I actually made a list of everything that made me feel hurt or angry.  I realized that there was only one common theme in the negativity, and it’s a big one: I felt my independence was being stifled and taken away.  But all of the circumstances surrounding this lack of control, all came from a place of love and support.  Motives were genuinely good.

So how did I reframe the situation? I put it in a language I understand: selfless leadership.  

Basically, I needed to accept this gift for their betterment.  I am doing them a disservice by not accepting, and that is not a selfless leader thing to do!  Instead of looking at it through a lens of how they were helping me (when I didn’t need it, want it, or ask for it), I reframed it to how I. was. helping. them.  This gave me a sense of control.  I’m doing them the favor, not the other way around.

But that was only a partial solution.  How do I regain my independence?  I start my Master’s degree!  Obviously. 😂 

For real though, the gift I had been rejecting tied up part of my future, and I didn’t feel like I had much of a say in it.  Grad school had been teetering in my mind for a long time, so I decided to just jump in.  This was a future I had a choice in and control over. I’ve been able to channel the negative feelings to rise to a new challenge of. my. making.

By reframing my view, I’ve actually created a win-win situation – giving me a sense of control over all of it.

Change, especially not of our making, can be extremely uncomfortable. Change, even of our making, can be extremely unconformable. Controlling what we can control, minimizes the discomfort to the degree that we can. None of it is going to be easy, but we can make, at least, make it a little more bearable.

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by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Emotion.

I write a lot about emotions and feeling them.  Psychology fascinates me, so it’s not surprising that this is where my writing leans.  But throughout my business and leadership readings, trainings, and experiences, it’s become quite evident to me how much emotion plays a part in our daily lives – and how many people dismiss it as playing an important part in our daily lives.

In a TED Talk presented by Harvard Medical School Psychologist Susan David, she performed a study of 70,000 people and found that 1/3 of these people judge or actively try to push aside “bad” emotions such as grief, anger, or sadness. 

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.  But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. 

Like, whoa. 🤯 She is so right!  And honestly, it bums me out.  I believe all emotions, good or bad (and everything in between and outside of), are part of life and should be felt, fully and completely.  It’s not what we do in life that makes life worth living, it’s the emotions that come with the doing that make us feel alive.  David validates this:

When we lean into the discomfort it helps us overcome it that much quicker.  The negative emotions help us feel alive.  Builds resilience and is a true driver to authentic happiness.

Some people say we can control how we feel.  I only partially believe that.  I cannot control how something I perceive hits me emotionally.  But the moment it hits me, I can manage that emotion.  Although I do believe that you can adapt and become more resilient to different emotions over time.  David explains in a way that may resonate more with a logical thinker:

Emotions are not directives.  The emotion is a data source.

Sometimes, we have a hard time naming specific emotions, but identification is essential.  When we label our emotions accurately we are able to discern the precise cause of our feelings activating part of our brain that allows us to take steps to move forward.

Personally, I am feeling a lot of different emotions during this pandemic.  It may seem that the “bad” is outweighing the “good”, but I guarantee you there are more wins in the day than you are giving yourself credit for. Yesterday, I went for a long walk.  Fresh air and exercise – win/win.  Got some ice cream – win.  Helped a friend with a problem he was having at work – win.  Woke up rested – win.  You get the picture.

I do encourage you to watch the full TED Talk, because Susan David has some really, really great quotes that I just couldn’t include them all here without completely plagiarizing her genius. (Although, I would totally love to take credit for some of her statements.) 😆🙌

At the end of the day, we’re all going through some tough shit here. You cannot control what others feel and how they deal with those emotions, but you can control how you deal with what you feel. So lean into it, own it, and work through it. 💖 How you feel will radiate outward. If we truly want to become “stronger together,” it starts within each of us.*

*Stay tuned for a post with more on this!

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Good Things.

After I posted about The Little Things, I got to thinking about it. Little things add up to big things when those little things are good habits too.

It’s in our nature to dwell on the negative, but when you take a moment to reflect on the positive, you will find there is so much good in our world. And when you recognize the little good things, it creates big things like gratitude, appreciation, love, and happiness.

They say emotions are contagious like viruses. Do you want to be the flu? No. You want to emit positivity. (Although if I’m being completely honest, I’d kind of love the power to take someone down with the common cold.)

Life has been a little rough for me lately – just a lot of things going on, and a lot of bad little things have been adding up. But I was listening to the radio today, and a commercial for Mountainbrook Church came on. The Pastor was telling a story that basically said, when we battle alone, we will snap. I instantly thought of stripping a screw. Weird, right? But hear me out…

When I strip a screw, it’s usually because I’m not using the tool properly or I’m trying to rush the process. This is exactly what is happening in my life right now. I’m so overwhelmed with all these things going on, that I’m becoming impatient in dealing with the little things. Which means I’m not acting with intent (using the tool properly), and it’s making things worse.

I realized, I’ve kinda just been going through the motions. Luckily, leadership teaches you self-awareness, so I know exactly how to deal. I also need to recognize all the good little things that are happening. They say that what consumes your mind controls your life. So, here’s to making the extra effort to find the good and thinking positively.