by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Self-Betrayal.

I think most of us would agree that we are not in the practice of self-betrayal.  We don’t intentionally do things or make decisions that would purposefully bring us harm.  Except we do make decisions that unintentionally do bring us harm.

When we are presented with a choice, we have the option of honoring our morals, values, beliefs, desires, etc. or betraying them.  When you make the “right” decision, there are usually positive side effects.  When you make the “wrong” decision, it can lead to all sorts of negative effects.

I was recently presented with a choice.  A very big decision had to be made and there were a lot of moving parts.  I chose to move forward, because I didn’t want to be excluded and let other people down.  While there were definitely benefits to being involved, deep down, from the very beginning, I knew this was not what I wanted.  

Guilt is a feeling generated by personal accountability for making a poor decision.  Shame is a feeling of not enough, that we are flawed and unworthy.  Not only did I feel guilty for choosing to move forward, but I also spiraled through a shame storm.  There were constant reminders that this was not what I wanted, and the toll of each of those reminders shamed me into emotional turmoil.  I was ignoring all of the red flags. 🚩

This was a very big lesson for me in learning to live impeccably.  I went against everything I knew to do, because I was too afraid to step outside the security of my circle.  But not only that, I was feeling guilted and shamed for wanting to step outside my circle!  There’s a lot more to this story, and the intentions on both sides were genuinely good.  But either choice in this decision led to hurt. This was a really shitty position to be in. Ultimately, my choices were these:

  1. Be involved – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future but not hurt the people I care about.
  2. Not participate – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future and hurt the people I care about.

After lots and lots, and lots of thinking, I chose to stay true to my commitment, even though it really wasn’t what I wanted.  The initial hurt will fade, and I will be less angry over time.  There will be discomforts along the way, but I’m choosing to believe that they will be moments to test my growth.  

I believe I made the “right” decision, because my heart was in the right place. If I was going to hurt myself either way, I might as well hurt myself and not hurt the people I care about.

Choosing to participate actually gave me more control over the situation. If I hurt the people I care about, I can’t control how they manage their emotions, and relationships could suffer. But I know I have the strength to manage my emotions. Although it hurts like hell, relationships are still in tact. While they may take on a different shape in the future, I am choosing to create those boundaries.

So often I write about the power of choice, and the ability to control what you can control.  At some point though, we are faced with a decision that isn’t good for anyone.  At the time, will you choose to be selfish or selfless?  

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Guilt.

I recently read a quote that said you need to put others’ needs before your own. As someone trained in leadership, I know that you cannot be a successful leader without first taking care of yourself. You are at the foundation of your leadership, and if the foundation is weak, everything else will be too.

Rachel Hollis lists her priorities:

  1. Herself
  2. Her marriage
  3. Her children

Most people would look at this list and totally give her flack for putting herself and her husband before her children, but I get it and fully stand behind her. You know that saying, “When mom doesn’t feel good, no one feels good”? Everyone feels the effects of a weak leader, whether that leader is a CEO or parent or both.

I was talking to a friend the other day and told her, “I’ve been strong too long.” Everything has compounded, until I ultimately could no longer carry the weight and started to give. It’s no different than when you are sick. If you keep going, you will stay sick longer. But if you stop, rest, and give your body what it needs, you will recover more quickly.

Why is it less acceptable to treat our heart and soul in the same way? Self-care is critical to our function. Just because we can’t see something, doesn’t mean it’s not there. (I can go into a whole behavioral health tangent, but I will save that for another day.)

I had no plans this weekend. For the first time in months, I had no weekend commitment. And as we gear up for the Holidays, this was my only free weekend for another few weeks. And then…it came….a text…

“Playing for the Championships 10:30.” 😫 Instant guilt. My heart literally sank.

In my head, all I could think was no. I am not ready for this. I haven’t had enough time to recuperate. If I go, it will be out of obligation not desire. Then I will be slightly resentful, because this little thing is just one. more. thing. I haven’t even recovered from all the other things. And the healing weekend I had prepared for myself last weekend did not go as planned (which added to the things). And let’s be real, I had no outside weekend commitment, no event, no fundraiser, no family function. But there is still laundry, dishes, yard work and bills to pay, it’s not like I’m doing nothing this weekend. So feeling like a terrible person, I replied, “Not going to make it, but best of luck.”

I know my body, my, heart, and my soul. I know that I can carry a lot of weight, so when I say no, I mean no. And that should be respected. Instead, we are often made to feel guilty about choosing ones self. And in this case, I put the guilt on myself. Women, especially, I think do this all the time. Moms probably even more so. We are so focused on protecting the feelings of others that we neglect our own. But we cannot control how others feel.

We give so much of ourselves to our work, our family, our friends, and our community. Remember that post on the Work-Life Balance? Same applies with give and take. Life is giving and taking.

Lately, I’ve given so much of myself to my work and my community that today, I just did not have the energy to give my time to family too. Instead, I took that time for myself. Because I know that if I did not take this time to ease my soul, I would have been piling on more to an already weak foundation. With the holidays coming up, work and community will take a back seat to family. While I do feel bad for missing the game, opportunity to show I care will present itself soon enough.

Just like the work-life balance, let’s look at the give and take with a wider lens. Lately, work and community held more weight. In the upcoming weeks, life and family will hold more weight. So I’m not going to feel guilty for taking some time to recalibrate, because I want to appreciate the relationships, uphold the traditions, enjoy the company, and feel the love that the holidays bring. Those are the things that give our life meaning, and I don’t want to go into it with a burden of being one. more. thing.