by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intent.

Last week, (or whenever it was), I wrote about our ability to learn from our mistakes. When we make a poor decision with no ill intent, it is simply a human error in judgment, and we move on with life.  No harm, no foul. But what happens when there is harm? When there is foul? Why is intent sometimes looked at and not others?

My thoughts on this were prompted a few days ago when a liberal friend of mine posted something about guns on her Facebook page. She essentially said that she doesn’t want to take away guns; she just wants people to get proper instruction and training, so you know how to handle the firearm. Now, I’m not sure the context in which she meant this, and I know she does not condone violence. But my initial reaction was, “The bigger concern is not so much about if you know how to use a firearm; it’s more about what you intend to do with it.” Learning to use a gun specifically for murder is a lot different than learning to use a gun for potential use in self-defense.

But I’m not here to start a gun control debate with you. I’m sure you know how I feel about that. My point is that intent matters.

Following up on my interest in stoicism, Rafał Albiński explores the idea that there are two components to action: 1.) the intent or willingness to act, and 2.) the act itself (doing what was intended to be done). According to psychological theory, creating intent is within our control. Intent is conscious motive. But the action is not always entirely up to us. I may intend to meet my friend for lunch at 11:30, but several things can prevent that from happening:

  1. Someone pulls out in front of me and I get in a car accident (an external condition)
  2. I get focused on a project at work and lose track of time (nonvolitional will – unconscious decision)
  3. I deliberately choose to stand him up (volitional will – conscious decision)

Stoics believe that if something is not fully up to us, then it is not up to us. It’s fate-based. Therefore if action 1 happens, then I was not meant to meet that friend for lunch. My life was fated to take a different path. If action 2 happens, then it is possible that I was late because I was fated to avoid that accident. If action 3 happens, then I’m not really practicing Stoic (or simply kind) behavior and should reconsider my intent.

But this isn’t a lesson in Stoicism, so here’s another angle. Loretta G. Breuning, Ph.D. says:

Intention is the human ability to redirect the electricity in your brain instead of just letting it flow down the path of least resistance. Animals don’t do this. The world reaches their senses and electricity flows into paths paved by past experience. We humans can notice that flow and divert it.

If we go back to the gun issue as an example…this is an emotionally charged debate. But it’s what prompted my thought process, so I’m going to follow through on it.

Pulling the trigger is the second component of the action. The first component is the willingness to pull the trigger. Which means the human consciously diverted their energy into the action. This two component approach is also used in criminal law. The intent (mens rea) must be proven in order to secure a conviction for the actual act (actus reus).

Had I of commented on my friends post with my initial reaction, it likely would have started a gun control debate with her or one of her other FB friends. Her intent on the post was genuinely good. She was extending a Second Amendment olive branch out to her conservative friends, so to speak. My reaction would have blown her comments out of proportion, and created a defensive/divisive environment on our feeds.

As I said in my last post, “just because we can use media as mindless entertainment doesn’t mean we should always consume it as mindless media.” We need to stop receiving everyone’s commentary at face-value and consider the intent of their messages. especially on social media. We subconsciously think that everyone is out to intentionally inflict harm on us, when really, people are just voicing an opinion that they have every right to have.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Mistakes.

The beauty of being human is that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes.  In fact, I think learning from our mistakes helps build our character.  We have a right to our opinions, and we have a right to change our minds.

Humans. are. imperfect.  We all make mistakes.

Why is that we are so judgmental and misunderstanding when someone makes a mistake?  We become critical and accusatory of others, completely ignoring the fact that we, ourselves, also make mistakes.

In today’s media, (social and mainstream), we only see/hear/read snippets of stories.  I can’t tell you all about food safety in a 30-minute video, let alone a 30 second video that may hold your attention. For you to come to a conclusion about the safety of your food, even in a series of multiple 30 second videos is unreasonable.  Yet, this is exactly how we perceive something as true and accurate, when majority of necessary context has gone unwritten or unspoken.  

With the editing tools and hacks that are so widely available, really, we can never be 100% sure that what we see/hear/read in media is factual.  Not only is this why media literacy has become so important, but it also validates our need to be more empathetic as a society.  Just because we can use media as mindless entertainment doesn’t mean we should always consume it as. mindless. media.

The same concept applies to situations IRL.  There are few things we should take at face value, especially in times of crisis.  

If we think about this in terms of COVID.  The CDC first recommended not using a mask, then later came back with the recommendation, and the state of California made masks mandatory in public spaces.  I wouldn’t actually call this a mistake by the CDC, so much as they changed their mind as more scientific information became available. 

I critically judged the CDC for this.  As the most reliable source for information on public health, I felt they should get it right before publicizing.  But at the same time, I defend our use of pesticides until new science becomes available, and we learn that certain pesticides may no longer be safe.  I cannot make the exception for my belief, because it is my belief.  

Most of us act with genuinely good intentions, and our comments or actions get taken out of context or misunderstood without seeing the big picture. Whether in media or real-life, there is always more to a story. 

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Politics.

Leadership is about rising above our lower self.  Leaders set aside their own discomfort to make something more bearable for the other person.  This creates the opposite of divide. It creates connection. And that’s been proven in psychology and neuroscience.

I haven’t watched much of the political debates, because I don’t need to – nor do I want to.  All the debates seem to be is a blame and shame game anyway.  We don’t need more of that in our polarized society.  We need leaders who say, “I’m sorry Mr. Presidential Nominee that you feel I haven’t done enough for the American people.  But let me tell you how I plan to help them when I get elected into office.” Blame and shame only adds fuel to the fire.  This answer acknowledges their feelings as legitimate and stifles the negative energy, then shifts the narrative to a hopeful future for the American people. (Where it should be.)

But this is typical politics. 🙄 An unfortunate circumstance is that we watch this unfold and mimic their behavior.  If people in positions of power and influence answer blame with blame and shame with shame, then that must be okay.  Then the people who look up to us see us demonstrating this behavior and assume that it’s okay.  It all filters downward.

I have several friends whose political beliefs firmly oppose my own.  I value these friendships, because they offer me perspective.  We can tease one another, but we never blame and shame.  We understand each other as people with good hearts, who want the best for this country. 

Best is subjective on so many factors in our individual lives.  If I can appreciate all those factors that created this unique human being who brings value to my life on all sorts of other levels, then I need to appreciate that those factors led him or her to their political beliefs too. You can’t have one without the other. We should be accepting of each other whole, perceived flaws and all.

I was once seeing this guy, and we were in that phase where you’re more than just friends but not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend.  The relationship was kind of at a standstill in this space, so I asked, “Where are we going with this relationship?” And he responded, “What relationship?”

First of all, that answer told me ev.er.y.thing. I needed to know about where he stood (and consequently, where I stood). Needless to say, that ended. 😂

He had such a close-minded view. A relationship exists with every person in which we interact. (Remember intimate, relational, and community?) Relationship itself is a noun. It’s a thing, right? But it requires action to make it a thing. Without connecting, binding, or relating, the relationship doesn’t exist. You’re just left with separate things.

Leadership starts with oneself. We can’t judge our politicians for answering blame with blame and shame with shame when we do the same thing. If we don’t like the polarization within our society, then we need to reflect on how we are contributing to it. There is a reason why people say, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” But realistically, we can’t do it alone.

In the day-to-day, most of us don’t interact with the Presidential Nominees. Most of us don’t even interact with our local elected officials. A relationship doesn’t really exist, unless you choose to pursue one. (Which I encourage you to do!) But elections do give you an interactive opportunity. And relationships do exist with your peers.

Show up in these relationships. Be an active participant. When there’s a mutual understanding and joint effort, together you make relationships work. And generally speaking, isn’t that just kind of how elections work? You show up to the polls, you communicate via your ballot, and collective voices influence the future of your relationship with government.

So don’t just be a thing! Engage! Be humble, and be kind. 💖

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Grief.

Suffering is part of human existence.  This is fact.  Every person in the world has lost something of significance and gone into a process of grieving.  Grief takes on different forms for different people.  Some numb pain; some deny through avoidance, and some lean into the pain.  Loss is unavoidable. 

Grief comes after loss, and psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross believed that there are 5 stages of grief.  They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There has been criticisms of this grief theory among social scientists.  I don’t love it or hate it.  I do think grief is a process, but I don’t necessarily think there is a structure (that we grieve in this consecutive order).  Grief affects us all differently, and we all manage it differently.  It is an incredibly powerful emotion that has physical, social, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual affects.  

David Kessler said, we lost the world as we know it because of COVID.  I don’t think it’s extreme to consider we as a collective society and we as individuals are experiencing grief due to the loss of our pre-COVID lives.

On a frustrating day, I live in COVID denial.  On a bad day, I live in COVID depression.  On a hopeful day, I live in COVID bargaining.  On a melancholy day, I live in COVID acceptance.  On a sad day, I live in COVID anger. 

Notice how I didn’t say “on a good day”?  Yeah, that was on purpose. 😔  It’s hard to see the good in grief.  COVID has fundamentally changed our society and that is having profound effects on our well-being.  We are culturally going through transformational change.  It has been abrupt, dramatic, problematic, and traumatic.  

While time may heal all wounds, scars are left behind – reminders of what we loss and subsequent negative emotions when we pay attention to those reminders.  But with COVID, at least for me, I guess I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.  A return to pre-COVID “normal” seems so far away.  We are six months into this global pandemic, and my wounds are still healing.   

I’m fortunate to understand what’s going on (for the most part).  I know myself well enough to know when I need special or extra care.  As someone who suffered from depression in the past, I know that I am in a vulnerable state.  I’ve had to make conscious and concerted efforts to give my mind, body, and soul the care it needs to sustain this discomfort for the foreseeable future.  

I feel like what makes the recovery part of COVID grief so difficult is that we do not have the outlets or ability to lean into the connections we desperately need to get us through these difficult times – at least in California. 😒 And what we are able to do, we must do with half our face covered – preventing us from receiving non-verbal cues from those with whom we communicate.

Like so many things we encounter in our lives, we often have a hard time accepting things for what they are when those things are beyond our control. While I logically understand this global pandemic, my emotional side is having a hard time coming to terms with it.

While I may not agree with the consecutive order in which we grieve, I do believe that acceptance is the last stage. Some days I accept COVID for what it is (on that particular day), but I have not accepted it for what it has done (personally and economically). I have not accepted the mental and behavioral health ramifications that are stemming from it (individually and collectively), nor have I accepted with the ability to move on.

Like scars from wounds that have healed, acceptance does not mean that all of our negative feelings magically disappear. Reminders still exist. When we push too hard, stitches can come undone. Infections can arise. We are. still. in. the healing process. Acceptance does not come within a specific timeframe. And even when the wounds have healed, sometimes it truly does become living in a “new normal.”

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Sharing is Caring.

A colleague recently recommended I listen to an episode of a podcast called The Happiness Lab by Dr. Laurie Santos, but I accidentally listened to the wrong one. It was called “Caring What You’re Sharing.” I can’t really say it was an accident though, because the message actually helped solidify some thoughts I had swirling around. I’m inclined to believe there was a reason I listened the “wrong” episode.

Have you ever watched a movie with someone, and that person falls asleep? Or maybe when two of you go to dinner, but the other is on their phone? Think about how those circumstances make you feel. A little ignored? A little mad? A little lonely?

Turns out, sharing experiences with people really does shape our happiness.

Through a series of experiments, researchers found that sharing things with people intensifies our experiences. It makes the good things better and the bad things worse. But bad experiences are more bearable because someone is by our side. It serves as a function of bonding people together.

In one experiment, participants experienced an ordinary event with someone and an extraordinary event alone. What the researchers found is that the extraordinary event experienced alone actually made people feel less happy and a little bit isolated. They even felt a little guilty. Participants felt like they were bragging about their experience and neglected to want to share details because the other person couldn’t relate, detracting from the social bonding.

Have you ever had a friend tell you really good news where yes, you are happy for them, but at the same time feel a little sad or insecure for yourself? Or have you ever had something exciting happen for you but you downplayed the greatness, because you didn’t want to come off as arrogant or boastful?

I have. And honestly, I’m a little relieved that these are natural behaviors.

As we enter the holiday season, I think it’s a good reminder to just be aware. If you love this time of year, soak it up. Your happiness will rub off on others. And if you hate this time of year, suck it up. Your misery will rub off on others.

In leadership, we are taught to rise above our lowest self. So even if you don’t want to bond with crazy Aunt Mildred*, look for the bravery in her eccentrics. Even if you don’t want to hear about how much cousin Jim* hates his job, encourage him to see the positive. Because if you care about these people at all, your interactions and behavior will shape each of your experiences.

*Names changed to protect the innocent. 😂