by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Any Good.

Circumstances have arisen over the past several months that have caused me to re-evaluate certain relationships.  As a result, I’ve created new boundaries with people who I didn’t feel recognized my full worth.  These decisions did not come lightly, and I’m still having a hard time coping with the changes.

In only one of these circumstances was there a pretty clear cut of ties.  The others have been pretty much just my decision with no discussion about the state of the relationship.  In talking these changes out with a friend, she asked, “Why don’t you talk to them about it?”  And I responded, “It won’t do me any good.”  Then she asked, “Why do you think it won’t do you any good?”  I didn’t have an answer for her at the time, because it was something I just knew.  But I want to understand why this was something I just knew.

In Brené Brown’s podcast with Dr. Harriet Lerner, they talk about apologizing: how to apologize and why it matters.  Dr. Lerner said a few things that struck me:  

  • When you are apologizing, “focus on how you feel, not the other person’s crime sheet.” 
  • Do not ask for or demand an apology.  
  • If you need a response, then you are not ready for the conversation. (Basically, if you’re depending on the conversation to provide explanation, you’re on dangerous ground. I would argue, setting yourself up for disappointment.)

These statements kind of exactly sum up why I feel it won’t do me any good to talk things out with the people I’ve shifted my relationships.  

  1. I do not want an apology.  To me, it is clear that they are oblivious of how or how deeply they hurt me, and that is evident in their subsequent actions and behavior.  The apology (if I got one) wouldn’t be genuine.
  2. Since they are oblivious to how they’ve been treating me, pointing it out would just be calling out their crime.  In turn, they would get defensive and start slinging insults toward me.  They would feel accused rather than taking responsibility for their actions/behavior. As was said in the podcast, they would answer “blame with blame and shame with shame.”
  3. I’ve known some of these people a long time.  I know their attitudes.  I instinctively know what their responses would be if I brought the topic up in conversation based on past experiences.  (And I would be setting myself up for disappointment.)
  4. They’ve moved on, which shows me how little care they had invested in the first place. (In the situation and/or the relationship.)

With the people who I instinctively know how they’d respond, I’m actually having an easier time coming to terms with the new state of those relationships, over the one where ties were cut.  It goes to show me that if I instinctively knew that talking something difficult out with them wasn’t going to do anyone any good, then this behavior has been going on long enough for me to. be. intuitive. about it – which only gives me more confidence in my decision to shift the status of the relationships.

One might argue that I am also avoiding having tough conversations with people I supposedly care about. And that’s partly true. But I know my audience. When we know a road leads to a dead end, we don’t drive down it just to double check. In the relationship where ties were cut, I turned back when I saw the sign (literally and figuratively).

While each relationship shift has come with a sense of loss, there’s also a sense of empowerment behind the shift.

I’m garnering my strength and taking charge of how I want to be treated. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. Will they even notice I’ve become more distant? If so, will they care enough to question why? If not, at least, I will know where I stand. And that will likely be a hard truth to face.

With each of these relationships, I’m trying to accept ambiguity in closure. Relationships are matters of the heart. Although many of these relationships are still in tact, it’s the loss of the previous state of the relationship that I am grieving.

Defining these boundaries is a step toward living an impeccable life. I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone and braving the wilderness on my own. And it’s pretty F’ing scary. We. need. our. tribes.

But every hunter/gatherer leaves the tribe to find food and fiber. Right now, I am simply on the hunt for more fulfilling relationships. I’m hypersensitive to my surroundings (how I am being treated). And that’s okay. This is where we learn, we grow, and we test our skills. The better hunter I am, the better game I will capture. (Understanding how I want to be treated and establishing those boundaries upfront in a new relationship will bring a better quality of relationship.)

So, while I might think that it won’t do me any good to discuss the state of these relationships with others who are involved, that’s true in the sense of those particular relationships. But good will come in new relationships that get built, whether that’s on an existing foundation or an entirely new one.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Selfless Leadership.

Leadership is hard, you guys. 😔 I can’t attribute all of my life changes to leadership specifically, but it has played a very large role in shaping my perspective and how I interact/think of others.  Not only have I become a more assertive communicator, but I have heightened self-awareness, higher emotional intelligence, and a much bigger “big picture” approach when analyzing most situations.

It feels like I am constantly making (big and small) sacrifices for the benefit of others, often with little to no reward.  But then, I got to thinking about Jesus.  And living impeccably.  

My assumption was that living impeccably makes life easier; that there would be more happiness.  But that’s not really the case.  Life has definitely gotten harder in many ways.  Although there does seem to be a greater sense of well-being, the complexity of emotions that come with selfless leadership has made me feel (on average) just merely content.  I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel bad either.  I feel just okay.

If living impeccably means to live without sin, and sin is defined as “anything that you do which goes against yourself”, how do I be a selfless leader?  Selfless leadership seems to be nearly constant self-sacrifice.  It seems that living impeccably is the exact opposite of selfless leadership. 

But it’s not.

Naturally, we are very selfless.  It is the influence of others that creates selfishness.  I have loved my Toyota Tacoma for 10 years.  But when my friend got a brand-new Jeep Wrangler, it kind of made me want to trade in the Tacoma.  I was content with what I had, until someone else showed me what I did not have. 

If it is our natural tendency to help others, then not putting others before myself would actually be the sin.  Therefore, living impeccably is. selfless. leadership. 🤯  

As I considered this, I was like, “Shit.  That kind of sucks though.”  Now, I get to go through life building up others while I go without my own desires?  That’s unfair.  At what point do I get rewarded for this selfless behavior? I cannot live miserably to build up others to live impeccably. Does no good deed really go unpunished?

Then I realized that perhaps our reward doesn’t come here on earth.  I think part of me has been seeking reward through the instant gratification we have culturally (and generationally) become accustomed to.  But if I look at this through the much bigger “big picture”, it completely makes sense that the reward is within something bigger than ourselves.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, whether neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.

Mathew 6:19

Contentment is satisfaction.  And so is selfless leadership.  It may bring me a tinge of pain to go without my wants or needs, but knowing I have helped someone else achieve their goals comes with a great deal of pride in their efforts.  It’s a balance of positive and negative. ⚖️ But really, the positive outweighs the negative, because there is additional satisfaction in knowing I did the right thing.  My heart was in the right place, and that is my treasure.  

I’m not seeking reward in monetary or possessional gains.  I don’t even know what kind of reward I had been seeking.  But if “Godliness with contentment is great gain” (1 Timothy 6:6), then I’ve already claimed my reward.  

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Self-Betrayal.

I think most of us would agree that we are not in the practice of self-betrayal.  We don’t intentionally do things or make decisions that would purposefully bring us harm.  Except we do make decisions that unintentionally do bring us harm.

When we are presented with a choice, we have the option of honoring our morals, values, beliefs, desires, etc. or betraying them.  When you make the “right” decision, there are usually positive side effects.  When you make the “wrong” decision, it can lead to all sorts of negative effects.

I was recently presented with a choice.  A very big decision had to be made and there were a lot of moving parts.  I chose to move forward, because I didn’t want to be excluded and let other people down.  While there were definitely benefits to being involved, deep down, from the very beginning, I knew this was not what I wanted.  

Guilt is a feeling generated by personal accountability for making a poor decision.  Shame is a feeling of not enough, that we are flawed and unworthy.  Not only did I feel guilty for choosing to move forward, but I also spiraled through a shame storm.  There were constant reminders that this was not what I wanted, and the toll of each of those reminders shamed me into emotional turmoil.  I was ignoring all of the red flags. 🚩

This was a very big lesson for me in learning to live impeccably.  I went against everything I knew to do, because I was too afraid to step outside the security of my circle.  But not only that, I was feeling guilted and shamed for wanting to step outside my circle!  There’s a lot more to this story, and the intentions on both sides were genuinely good.  But either choice in this decision led to hurt. This was a really shitty position to be in. Ultimately, my choices were these:

  1. Be involved – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future but not hurt the people I care about.
  2. Not participate – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future and hurt the people I care about.

After lots and lots, and lots of thinking, I chose to stay true to my commitment, even though it really wasn’t what I wanted.  The initial hurt will fade, and I will be less angry over time.  There will be discomforts along the way, but I’m choosing to believe that they will be moments to test my growth.  

I believe I made the “right” decision, because my heart was in the right place. If I was going to hurt myself either way, I might as well hurt myself and not hurt the people I care about.

Choosing to participate actually gave me more control over the situation. If I hurt the people I care about, I can’t control how they manage their emotions, and relationships could suffer. But I know I have the strength to manage my emotions. Although it hurts like hell, relationships are still in tact. While they may take on a different shape in the future, I am choosing to create those boundaries.

So often I write about the power of choice, and the ability to control what you can control.  At some point though, we are faced with a decision that isn’t good for anyone.  At the time, will you choose to be selfish or selfless?  

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Independent.

I was talking to a friend who asked, “Why would people think that I wouldn’t settle down?”

😬 That, is a loaded question, my friend.

While marriage and a family are important to him, he’s been self-reliant and independent for a very long time. He thinks he’s open with information, but he’s actually quite reserved. He tells you what you need to know (logically) and not much more (emotionally). He’s had relationships, but not real meaningful ones. And they’re not meaningful, because he defaults to independent and self-reliant behavior with no emotional vulnerability to build connection.

He thinks no one is going to do something as good as he’s going to do it, so why rely on someone else? He’s been able to manage things for himself for so long that he doesn’t need anyone else’s help.

I get it. Because it’s like looking in a F’ing mirror. (Remember when I said I’m an independent problem-solver? 🙄)

Our modern culture associates independence with strength and confidence. This can be dangerous, because it’s not reflective of our true nature as social creatures that depend on others. Society pressures us to do the exact opposite of what we actually need to do. We grow up believing that if we need each other, we are less than.

I don’t easily let people in. But it’s not so much a defense mechanism, as it has become a learned behavior. I can 100% count on myself in any situation. I can’t say the same for others. And this gets validated repeatedly.

If I have to remind a guy at work to do something more than once, he’s unreliable. If I keep putting my heart out there only to have it broken, it’s better to keep it locked up safely. If I keep getting shitty advice, it’s better not to talk to anyone. This isn’t rocket science. Einstein gets it and he was super smart:

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The thing is though: the guy at work is unreliable, but not every person I work with is. Men may break my heart, but not every man will. And if someone keeps giving me shitty advice, someone else will be more understanding.

Part of my struggle with learning to live impeccably is that I’ve begun to see more people in an unfavorable light. It’s not just the one person at work that’s unreliable; there’s multiple people. It’s not that men have broken my heart; it’s that there’s so few I’m even willing to give the opportunity. It’s not that people intend to give me shitty advice; it’s that I’ve outgrown their ability to successfully reach me.

Of course, these are things that I pretty much already knew. They’re just resonating a little more deeply lately. There’s good and bad to this. The bad is that it’s only further validating my presumption that self-reliant and independent behavior is best. The good is that I recognize this is bad. 😏

Now, the hard part is improving my own behavior. I cannot control any of these external factors, but I can control how I prevent or react to them. This has taken a lot of self-reflection and inner-work. It’s taken re-evaluating relationships and setting new boundaries.

If I’m being honest, it feels as though I’m just setting myself up for failure. And realistically, I kind of am. We have to take chances on people in order to build connections with them. We have to put ourselves out there with the risk we will be let down or hurt. Vulnerability is courageous, and it’s all just part of life.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Impeccable.

In the Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz defines impeccable as “without sin”.  

A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself.

Don Miguel Ruiz

Who we are has been shaped by the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those around us.  Most notably, our parents who have influenced our entire belief system since birth.  How do we know who we really are when so much of who we are has been influenced by others?  Their thoughts have become engrained in our minds as if they are our own.

Personally, I think this is why emotional intelligence and self-awareness is critical to our function.  Our bodies react to our emotions.  When we pay attention to what our bodies tell us, when we learn the contours of our emotions, we can decipher between what is right for us and what others think is right for us.  

We feel safe around the people we care about.  We value their opinions, beliefs, perspectives, and thoughts.  When we lean into these social connections to build or maintain relationships, it can be very difficult to disagree with them.  We all have an innate desire to belong.  If we disagree with those who are close to us, then we feel vulnerable, exposed, and isolated.  And it’s scary to be on the outside, especially of our innermost circle.

This has been, by far, the hardest part of my leadership journey.  

It’s not having disagreements in the sense of “I’m right and you’re wrong.”  It’s having disagreements in doing what is best for me that may go against the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those I am surrounded by.  

I’ve learned to pay deep attention to words that are spoken, actions that are taken, and patterns of behavior in the people around me.  So often, it is their own insecurities, fears, short-comings, or desires that are projected onto others, and I don’t even have to be a direct recipient to recognize it.

It is so incredibly difficult to spot weaknesses in people who have no idea these are weaknesses in themselves being projected onto the ones they care about.  Although I am thankful to be able to not accept these projections as my own, it feels quite lonely to not join the comfort of agreement. 

People look at the outsiders as weak or weird.  The outsiders are the ones I’ve come to admire most.  They are true to themselves.  They are courageous.  They are impeccable.  

Maya Angelou said:

You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

For the outsiders, the price is high in judgment, criticism, assumptions, and opinions from others.  These will hurt, no matter who you are.  But they don’t agree with the negative projections from others.  They belong to no place and no one, because they belong to themselves – wholly and completely, and freedom is their reward.  Doesn’t that just sound like a sacred place to be? (Hint: it is.)

But I’m still learning this.  I don’t yet feel free.  I still feel trapped in the web of morals, values, beliefs, opinions, fears, and judgments of those around me.  It’s like I’ve got one leg in the circle and one leg out.  But it’s not so much fear that is holding me back so much as it is the emotional reaction I feel to the disagreement. I feel sad for the other person.  

Sad that they:

  1. Have this insecurity or display criticism or judgement;
  2. They don’t recognize it;
  3. They’re unintentionally spreading it onto those they care about.

As much as I’d like to leave them in the circle while I step outside, part of me wants to join them in their misery.  Not because of I believe their projection about myself or them, but because I want them to see what I see.  I see potential.  I see beauty.  I see a good heart.  I see that they have nothing to feel insecure or afraid of and I want to walk them outside of the circle to live their own. impeccable. life.

And maybe that’s just exactly what makes leadership so hard.  It’s like saving someone from a rip tide.  Not only are you swimming and paddling to keep yourself afloat, but you’re swimming and paddling to keep someone else from going under too.  A leader has to have strength for more than just themselves. And I suppose that is why not everyone is cut out for the job.