by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Present, Mindful, and Intentional.

There are six posts sitting in my drafts that I’ve written since my last published post just over a month ago. Meaning: my thoughts are all over the place. Israel is at war. Taylor Swift is in another relationship. Matthew Perry died. Newsom went to China. Britney Spears released her memoir. There was a mass shooting and manhunt in Maine.

What a time to be alive. And I’m only saying that half sarcastically.

Things in my life are moving a bit slower than what appears to be happening in the outside world. While I still have stresses, it’s been quite refreshing to take time off. It feels like everything I’ve learned about myself and about others is settling in. I don’t need so much time to sit back and process things, as I feel like I’m actually living more moment to moment. Which is kind of surreal.

It’s the ultimate, right? To be present and mindful. I can be more intentional about where I exert my energy, because I don’t have a job essentially guaranteed to consume it. But I miss working. I miss the purpose and fulfillment it brings. I miss interacting with others. I miss feeling accomplished each day. And while I do have a few exciting things in the works, I miss the structure and routine of a daily role.

When I quit my job, I said it felt like I was breaking, like the rug was pulled out from beneath me and I fell to the floor. Someone said to me that I was basically being dramatic, and that simply one chapter was closing for another to open.

I actually think both are true.

The job I left was the job I had been working years toward obtaining. The more knowledge I sought, the more experience I gained, the more confident I got, the more eager I became. Through the progression, I was aware that I was fulfilling my potential and I wanted to see where it could take me. But I don’t see leaving as a failure.

We hear of CEO’s quitting their positions and starting something new all the time. They want more time, with their families, for extracurricular activities. They want more flexibility in their schedule, more freedom. But we never see them in the in-between stage. We see them as the CEO; they seemingly disappear, then we see them confidently and excitedly promoting their next venture as an entrepreneur. We don’t see the transition phase of leaving one and starting the other. And I wish we would/could.

This phase is hard. In many ways, you are starting over. On the other hand, in many ways, you are not. You are grieving the life you had planned. You are excited and scared. Uncertain, yet confident. You have to be very intentional with who you lean on for support. You learn who truly cares about you and believes in you, and that comes with a whole other set of emotions when you realize who does not. Who is talk, and who is action.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve written several times about feeling on the verge of big changes. (Mastered. Branding. Precipice. Transformational Change.) This one feels different. I can’t explain it. And I don’t know that I want to. At least, right now. I kinda just want to take it in. I want to feel all of the emotions that are coming with it.

There is so much going on in the outside world, and I am feeling quite grateful that I’m not being consumed by the fast-paced-ness of it all. I think my body is getting some much needed rest to prepare me for what is to come.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intent.

Last week, (or whenever it was), I wrote about our ability to learn from our mistakes. When we make a poor decision with no ill intent, it is simply a human error in judgment, and we move on with life.  No harm, no foul. But what happens when there is harm? When there is foul? Why is intent sometimes looked at and not others?

My thoughts on this were prompted a few days ago when a liberal friend of mine posted something about guns on her Facebook page. She essentially said that she doesn’t want to take away guns; she just wants people to get proper instruction and training, so you know how to handle the firearm. Now, I’m not sure the context in which she meant this, and I know she does not condone violence. But my initial reaction was, “The bigger concern is not so much about if you know how to use a firearm; it’s more about what you intend to do with it.” Learning to use a gun specifically for murder is a lot different than learning to use a gun for potential use in self-defense.

But I’m not here to start a gun control debate with you. I’m sure you know how I feel about that. My point is that intent matters.

Following up on my interest in stoicism, Rafał Albiński explores the idea that there are two components to action: 1.) the intent or willingness to act, and 2.) the act itself (doing what was intended to be done). According to psychological theory, creating intent is within our control. Intent is conscious motive. But the action is not always entirely up to us. I may intend to meet my friend for lunch at 11:30, but several things can prevent that from happening:

  1. Someone pulls out in front of me and I get in a car accident (an external condition)
  2. I get focused on a project at work and lose track of time (nonvolitional will – unconscious decision)
  3. I deliberately choose to stand him up (volitional will – conscious decision)

Stoics believe that if something is not fully up to us, then it is not up to us. It’s fate-based. Therefore if action 1 happens, then I was not meant to meet that friend for lunch. My life was fated to take a different path. If action 2 happens, then it is possible that I was late because I was fated to avoid that accident. If action 3 happens, then I’m not really practicing Stoic (or simply kind) behavior and should reconsider my intent.

But this isn’t a lesson in Stoicism, so here’s another angle. Loretta G. Breuning, Ph.D. says:

Intention is the human ability to redirect the electricity in your brain instead of just letting it flow down the path of least resistance. Animals don’t do this. The world reaches their senses and electricity flows into paths paved by past experience. We humans can notice that flow and divert it.

If we go back to the gun issue as an example…this is an emotionally charged debate. But it’s what prompted my thought process, so I’m going to follow through on it.

Pulling the trigger is the second component of the action. The first component is the willingness to pull the trigger. Which means the human consciously diverted their energy into the action. This two component approach is also used in criminal law. The intent (mens rea) must be proven in order to secure a conviction for the actual act (actus reus).

Had I of commented on my friends post with my initial reaction, it likely would have started a gun control debate with her or one of her other FB friends. Her intent on the post was genuinely good. She was extending a Second Amendment olive branch out to her conservative friends, so to speak. My reaction would have blown her comments out of proportion, and created a defensive/divisive environment on our feeds.

As I said in my last post, “just because we can use media as mindless entertainment doesn’t mean we should always consume it as mindless media.” We need to stop receiving everyone’s commentary at face-value and consider the intent of their messages. especially on social media. We subconsciously think that everyone is out to intentionally inflict harm on us, when really, people are just voicing an opinion that they have every right to have.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Mistakes.

The beauty of being human is that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes.  In fact, I think learning from our mistakes helps build our character.  We have a right to our opinions, and we have a right to change our minds.

Humans. are. imperfect.  We all make mistakes.

Why is that we are so judgmental and misunderstanding when someone makes a mistake?  We become critical and accusatory of others, completely ignoring the fact that we, ourselves, also make mistakes.

In today’s media, (social and mainstream), we only see/hear/read snippets of stories.  I can’t tell you all about food safety in a 30-minute video, let alone a 30 second video that may hold your attention. For you to come to a conclusion about the safety of your food, even in a series of multiple 30 second videos is unreasonable.  Yet, this is exactly how we perceive something as true and accurate, when majority of necessary context has gone unwritten or unspoken.  

With the editing tools and hacks that are so widely available, really, we can never be 100% sure that what we see/hear/read in media is factual.  Not only is this why media literacy has become so important, but it also validates our need to be more empathetic as a society.  Just because we can use media as mindless entertainment doesn’t mean we should always consume it as. mindless. media.

The same concept applies to situations IRL.  There are few things we should take at face value, especially in times of crisis.  

If we think about this in terms of COVID.  The CDC first recommended not using a mask, then later came back with the recommendation, and the state of California made masks mandatory in public spaces.  I wouldn’t actually call this a mistake by the CDC, so much as they changed their mind as more scientific information became available. 

I critically judged the CDC for this.  As the most reliable source for information on public health, I felt they should get it right before publicizing.  But at the same time, I defend our use of pesticides until new science becomes available, and we learn that certain pesticides may no longer be safe.  I cannot make the exception for my belief, because it is my belief.  

Most of us act with genuinely good intentions, and our comments or actions get taken out of context or misunderstood without seeing the big picture. Whether in media or real-life, there is always more to a story. 

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Self-Betrayal.

I think most of us would agree that we are not in the practice of self-betrayal.  We don’t intentionally do things or make decisions that would purposefully bring us harm.  Except we do make decisions that unintentionally do bring us harm.

When we are presented with a choice, we have the option of honoring our morals, values, beliefs, desires, etc. or betraying them.  When you make the “right” decision, there are usually positive side effects.  When you make the “wrong” decision, it can lead to all sorts of negative effects.

I was recently presented with a choice.  A very big decision had to be made and there were a lot of moving parts.  I chose to move forward, because I didn’t want to be excluded and let other people down.  While there were definitely benefits to being involved, deep down, from the very beginning, I knew this was not what I wanted.  

Guilt is a feeling generated by personal accountability for making a poor decision.  Shame is a feeling of not enough, that we are flawed and unworthy.  Not only did I feel guilty for choosing to move forward, but I also spiraled through a shame storm.  There were constant reminders that this was not what I wanted, and the toll of each of those reminders shamed me into emotional turmoil.  I was ignoring all of the red flags. 🚩

This was a very big lesson for me in learning to live impeccably.  I went against everything I knew to do, because I was too afraid to step outside the security of my circle.  But not only that, I was feeling guilted and shamed for wanting to step outside my circle!  There’s a lot more to this story, and the intentions on both sides were genuinely good.  But either choice in this decision led to hurt. This was a really shitty position to be in. Ultimately, my choices were these:

  1. Be involved – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future but not hurt the people I care about.
  2. Not participate – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future and hurt the people I care about.

After lots and lots, and lots of thinking, I chose to stay true to my commitment, even though it really wasn’t what I wanted.  The initial hurt will fade, and I will be less angry over time.  There will be discomforts along the way, but I’m choosing to believe that they will be moments to test my growth.  

I believe I made the “right” decision, because my heart was in the right place. If I was going to hurt myself either way, I might as well hurt myself and not hurt the people I care about.

Choosing to participate actually gave me more control over the situation. If I hurt the people I care about, I can’t control how they manage their emotions, and relationships could suffer. But I know I have the strength to manage my emotions. Although it hurts like hell, relationships are still in tact. While they may take on a different shape in the future, I am choosing to create those boundaries.

So often I write about the power of choice, and the ability to control what you can control.  At some point though, we are faced with a decision that isn’t good for anyone.  At the time, will you choose to be selfish or selfless?  

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Strength.

I was recently asked, “What makes you feel strong?”  The question caught me off-guard, and I did a quick analysis of my life.  I thought about my job, being a volunteer, public speaking, relationships, travel, the programs I’ve been part of, the opportunities I’ve had, and being a leader.  Without much conscious thought, I replied, “I feel strongest in my weakest moments.”

Then I got caught off-guard by my own response, and I’ve been thinking about it since.  I’m realizing how true the statement is.  

There have been times where I am curled up in a ball, crying, feeling every piece of my heart break 💔, experiencing extremely deep hurts that translate into actual pain.  In these moments of complete emotional vulnerability, there is something empowering in knowing that I. will. make. it through.  It’s absolute faith in God’s greater plan.  It is resilience in action.

It seems to me that almost everything we equate to strength in our culture today is actually the opposite of what strength is.  Strength is the power to resist force or attack. Read that slowly, intentionally, and take it in.

I don’t want this to be a political post, but there are so many examples in our political climate.  Truly peaceful protests are a sign of strength.  When it takes a turn to violence and vandalism, it is no longer a demonstration of strength.  It is a sign of weakness, because we have not resisted the urge to fight or attack.  Consider how much effort (aka strength) it takes to hold back emotion when we are angry.   I had to have a courageous conversation with my boss a couple of weeks ago, and it took everything I had to not burst into tears.

There is a big difference between leaning into our emotions and letting our emotions control us.  There is a right time and a right place.  There are healthy and unhealthy ways to manage our feelings.  

I’m not really much of a runner anymore, but a couple of months ago, I was going through some tough shit.  I decided to go pound pavement; I needed my body to feel the pain my heart was feeling.  I talked it out and I cried it out, but I still wasn’t feeling any better.  So I ran it out.  And man, did it help. 🏃🏻‍♀️  

I ran hard, and fast, and for a surprisingly long time!  When I stopped, I thought my lungs were going to collapse.  I let out all of my pain in that run.  Kind of like Phoebe…only angrily…🤪

Not only did the run make me feel emotionally strong, but it made me feel physically strong. I’m not saying running is the solution for everyone. Now, I will literally only run if I’m experiencing that kind of hurt. (Running is not fun. 😂)

In leadership, you must lead yourself, before you lead others, before you lead organizations. This is why self-awareness is so important. When we become more attuned to our own emotions, we naturally (and unconsciously) gain the ability to recognize signals in others increasing our empathetic ability to hopefully respond with kindness and compassion. Leadership requires a strong foundation, and it all begins with you.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Listen.

People just straight up do. not. pay. attention.  Maybe it’s because I’m true to my word and not super forgetful that people fail to recognize that I rarely need reminding, and I say pretty much exactly what I mean.

Examples:

  • A lady emailed me about a couple of things.  I told her I would have the planting schedule to her by the end of the week, but continued to communicate with her on traceability.  By the end of our few exchanges, she said “I still need the ranches and blocks on these plantings.”  Uh, yeah, I know.  It was Wednesday.  I told her I’d have them to her by the end of the week.  I still had 2 days – intentionally giving myself this time frame to confirm some things.
  • A guy emailed me about our soon-to-be expired audits.  “Lacy, these audits are about to expire, do you have new ones?”  Nothing irritates me more than people telling me my audits are about to expire.  Like I don’t already know that. 😒 Fail, #1.  Then I say, “Yes, they were audited last week.  I have it on my calendar to send you updated audits next month when I receive them.”  3 weeks go by and I get another email.  “Lacy, do you have updated audits?”  NO!  I said a month!  3 weeks is not a month.  Also, “I have it on my calendar” means I don’t need you emailing to remind me. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Fail #2, and Fail #3.

And these are email exchanges, written clearly!  They’re just not paying attention to what I’m saying.  They can go back and reference them if they didn’t understand or if they forgot.  But no.  It’s easier to inconvenience me.  Again.

Like, I get it.  So. much. of my job is following up with people.  I spend probably ¼ of my time just reviewing shit and then calling people out when they did it wrong or untimely.  And this is typically after I’ve already laid out clear expectations!  But…

You have to give people some leeway to see how closely you have to follow.  Unfortunately, I just have a lot of people I have to follow closely.  But I don’t need that same kind of care, and it’s so frustrating to me when people don’t recognize that – in anyone.  Pay attention and learn where people are credible.  Give them autonomy in areas where they are reliable.  

Greek philosopher Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

Studies have proven this to be almost true.  We spend 70-80% of our waking hours in some form of communication. 45% of that time is spent listening. (9% writing, 16% reading, and 30% speaking.)  But most of us are actually poor, ineffective listeners.

We have the mental capacity to understand 400 words per minute, but most people speak at a rate of about 125 words per minute.  Since we’re only using 25% of our mental capability when listening to someone speak, we have 75% of our minds to do something else with.  Basically, we get bored listening to people speak and our minds wander.

Active listening is a learned skill that takes conscious effort – proven by the fact that we only remember between 25 and 50% of what we hear.  You can find tips on how to be a better listener with a quick Google search.  And yeah, I think the tips are helpful.  But I also think it comes back to people just being human.  

People want to feel heard.  I think it really can be as simple as “treat others the way you want to be treated”.  How many of us appreciate when someone checks their phone when we’re talking?  Or when you can visibly see the person has checked out of the communication?  Be present in the conversation.  Don’t skim the email, read it. 

Many people consider multi-tasking a benefit, but science has proven we cannot focus on more than one task at a time.  When we quickly move from one task to another, we do not give one task much of our attention.  We’re actually more efficient when focusing on one thing at a time.  Apply that to listening in communication, and your active listening 👂🏼 skills could probably dramatically improve.