by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Fine Lines.

I find it ironic that it’s sometimes the people who are against talking about feelings or self-reflecting that are the most emotional.  In business, it can be challenging for subordinates or colleagues to approach these people with constructive feedback.  It’s waiting until that person is in the right mood, reading the situation, treading lightly, and being deliberate with the words you say.  While this typically applies in any situation, some (people and situations) are more sensitive than others. 

When developing new relationships, personally or professionally, the same approach applies.  We walk fine lines.  It’s not until a level of trust builds that we can be more direct.  We often don’t really care so much about hurting a family member’s feelings.  We will “tell them like it is” because sometimes “the truth hurts” and “it has to be said.”

Everyone has a different communication style, and there are 4 specific ones that most people refer to (information is readily available with a Google search):

  1. Passive – Indifferent, yielding to others; fail to express feelings or needs, allowing others to express themselves, lack of eye contact.
    • “It doesn’t matter.”
  2. Aggressive – Emphasized by speaking in a loud and demanding voice, intense eye contact; issue demands and rudely ask questions; fails to listen to others.
    • “I’m right, and you’re wrong.”
  3. Passive-Aggressive – Passive on the surface but may fill powerless or stuck within, building up resentment; do not confront a person or issue; difficulty acknowledging their anger; may give silent treatment or talk about someone behind their back.
    • “That’s fine, but don’t be surprised if someone else isn’t okay with it.”
  4. Assertive – Open communication without being overbearing; can express own needs and desire while considering others; aim for a win/win situation.
    • “Agree to disagree.”

I think we all use these different communication styles depending on the situation, but we definitely have a preferred style.  Several years ago, I probably would have been a passive communicator and preferred to be communicated with in any style but aggressive.  Today, I’m much more of an assertive communicator and prefer to be communicated with in an assertive style.  I like expectations to be laid out upfront.  I want to understand the purpose of the conversation, and the intent of the person speaking.  

I was reading a book awhile back that talked about romance, specifically, how courtship has shifted.  Today, when we court someone, communication is usually via text and asking someone on a date is more “Wanna hang out?” Well, “Wanna hang out?” can mean any sorts of things to many different people.  It’s a very passive invitation.  

Courtship used to mean calling a landline, maybe even leaving a message 😱, and asking someone out on a date, specifically for the purpose of dating.  You walk a fine line when getting to know someone as it is.  You want to be forthcoming but not too forward.  You want to be inquisitive but not intrusive.  You want to be supportive but not clingy.  There are so many uncertainties during this phase of courtship.  We make it more complicated by passively putting ourselves out there verses assertively putting ourselves out there.  We’ve stopped actually putting our heart on that fine line we’re walking.

We are constantly walking a fine line, both in our personal and our professional lives.  Because either way, you are developing a relationship.  As I said, some people and some situations are more sensitive than others.  Whether a person is emotional or not, how we approach a situation and the words we choose can dramatically affect the message and the impact of a conversation.  It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.

The medium is the message.

Marshall McLuhan

Perhaps, this is why I’m so judgmental when a guy texts me before calling. A passive “We should hang out.” text message is far less impressive than an assertive in-person “Would you like to go on a date?” Expectation is clear, and intent is clear.

I feel like you have a better chance of not being rejected in-person, because you have all the non-verbal cues to know whether that person is interested or not. But I understand the vulnerability that comes with taking that chance in-person. It’s my head and my heart coming from two different places. But the only way to not set myself up for disappointment is to lay them both on the line.

by : lacylit10 Farming

Commentary.

It is so painful to read the comments on posts related to these E. coli outbreaks. People are so quick to point the finger, and they are convinced they are right in their assumption. But you can say that about any topic on any platform. 🙄

The main argument I see online is people blaming farm workers for pooping in the fields. You guys. 🤦🏻‍♀️ If a farm worker has E. coli, he is not going to be pooping in the field. He is going to be in the hospital with all the other victims.

E. coli O157:H7 is a very virulent pathogen. We all know that bacteria are very, very, very, very small microorganisms, right? It can take less than 10 single cells of this bacteria to make someone sick. And if you don’t understand how small of an amount that is, we have over 100 trillion cells of 1,200 varied bacteria living in our gut alone. (Check out The Good Gut book ➡️ for more info about that!)

The argument online then continues with, “They do poop in fields! I’ve seen it! I know!”

Okay, Susan. 😒 Slow down the blame train.

Any law-abiding grower/harvester is going to have plenty of portable toilets available for employees to use. If the employee chooses not to use the provided bathroom, that is on the employee. Any respectable supervisor will terminate the employee immediately upon discovering he or she has not used the provided facility.

Agriculture is like any other business. We can train and supervise, but we can only influence the choices our employees make so much. It is ultimately up to the person to make a deliberate good or bad decision. This happens every minute, of every day, in every aspect of our lives. We cannot hover over people all day long. At some point, we have to trust our children or employees to make good decisions. And just like parents, we cannot discipline poor behavior if we’re not aware it’s occurring.

I don’t mind having a little friendly debate with people, but it’s all about respecting perspectives, knowledge, and experience. Unfortunately, in the online platform, it seems like all respect goes out the window. We’re conversing with people that we really don’t know, which makes it easier to judge and criticize. We have no personal relationship with the person on the other side of the screen, but that doesn’t give us the right to completely disregard that person as a real human, with real feelings. And I think it’s important to remember that even if you’re not participating in the debate and just reading comments.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is ignore the commentary, because some arguments you’re just never going to win. (Or you dedicate an entire blog post to picking apart the behavior and rebutting the argument. Your choice. Make a good one! 🤪)

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by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Expectations.

I had several conversations this week that essentially revolved around expectations.  Each conversation was unique with different circumstances, different personalities, different goals, and different intentions.  So when I said intentions don’t matter, I was kind of lying.  But really, it all depends.

  • In one conversation, we were talking about how a specific person has a reputation of over-promising and under-delivering.  The consistent under-delivery has now become my expectation.  Whether he cannot produce due to intentional or accidental circumstances, it doesn’t matter.  The habit formed has shaped my opinion of him, and I now find him unreliable and untrustworthy.  This will ultimately lead to a dissolution of the relationship, unless he can rebuild his credibility.
  • Another conversation had to do with taking on more responsibility.  I flat out asked, “What is your expectation?”  I want to clearly understand what is expected of me in order to perform to the best of my ability.  I don’t want to become that person who over-promises and under-delivers, because I didn’t understand what the expectation was in the first place. Ultimately, yes, miscommunication and misunderstandings happen.  By trying to sort out those details up front, we can hopefully move forward efficiently and productively.
  • The last conversation had to do with someone who led me to believe something that was not actually fact.  I have a feeling that he did not intentionally lead me to believe false information, but that there was a misunderstanding that never got corrected.  It has since spiraled into something much larger than anticipated, where it’s almost too late to turn back.  But at this point, I’m losing trust in him.  He’s essentially perpetuating the lie by not coming forward with the truth.

I try to be very clear with my expectations. There is an expectation to everything that we do. I like it all laid out up front. I want to know the end goal, and the parameters I have to work within. The more I grow in life and leadership, the more important these expectations have become to me.

Every once in awhile, my dad will ask me to help him with something. He’ll ask me to hold this, then tighten this, then move this, whatever. Then he’ll get frustrated with me, because I’ll inevitably not perform to his expectation. Likely, because with every task I complete, I think I am done helping because that’s all that he asked me to do. But if he had said, “Lacy, can you hold this, while I tighten this, because I want to move this to there…” Clear direction. 🙌 I know exactly what I am in for and what I will be committed to help do. Then we’ll be moving forward with the same expectation, the same goal, ultimately, avoiding an argument.

Sound relatable?

I read a lot of books about management, leadership, and self-development. They essentially all say the same thing: You have to know what you are working toward, individually and collectively, personally and professionally. But it’s also about communication. And that’s a whole different topic, for whole different post, on an entirely different day.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

The Little Things.

I am not one of those people who easily overlooks the little things. Little things matter.

I know someone who constantly forgets to tell me minor things or he will play them down.

The key here is that I said “constantly.” All of these little things add up to create big things: resentment, frustration, anger, stress. Examples:

  1. Last minute changes:
    • Forgetting to keep me in the loop inconveniences me to drop what I’m doing and rush something through. The saying “Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” doesn’t always hold true, especially in business.
  2. When he forgets something, and I have to remind him:
    • I am not his mother nor am I his wife. I do not enjoy nagging someone to get me required information in order to perform a specific task. And I don’t mean to perform a task well, I mean to perform the task at all.

We all have those people in our lives that consistently repeat disrespectful habits. They type and scroll on their phone while we’re talking to them. They show up late everywhere they go. Whatever it is; I’m guilty of these bad habits too. But we’re more likely to be accommodating when the habits aren’t actually habits at all, but something that just happens occasionally.

A colleague and I frequently talk about intent vs. impact. We may not intend to do something, but the intent really doesn’t matter. The impact the action has is what matters. (And obviously I’m not speaking on this from a criminal offense perspective.)

How we perceive something (the impact) is our reality.

While we may not intend to offend someone with our actions, whether that is being forgetful, distracted, or whatever it may be, be mindful of the impact these actions have on others. It’s as simple as treating others as you would like to be treated.