by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Trust.

I once saw a meme that said, “Dating is getting to know someone until you realize you don’t like that person anymore.”  I mean, how true is that statement though? 😬 It’s kind of sad when you really think about it.  You invest time, energy, and emotion in someone until you ultimately discover that person is not worth your time, energy, and emotion.

There are a lot of great things about being single, don’t get me wrong.  The freedom is undeniably one of the best aspects of it.  But the dating part is hard.

First, choosing the person you want to date.  Not just anyone will set off the “cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that accompanies the exciting first phase of love.  The person we select has to smell right, feel right, look right, and be just right in our arms.  Then, and only then, will the cascade get started.” – John Gottman, Ph.D

Once we choose that person (which I think is a conscious and subconscious decision), our brain releases several chemicals that have enormous influence on our judgment and affection.  These chemicals include a natural form of amphetamine, dopamine, pheromones, and oxytocin.  Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined this phase of love as “limerence”.  Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession typically experienced by an involuntary strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.

It is our biological makeup that reacts to the people we are attracted to.  We cannot control the release of these chemicals, which is what makes the initial phase of relationships so intoxicating and exciting.  Then we enter the make it or break it phase of the relationship: Building Trust. 

This is where we discover we may not really like that person after all.  Some of those feel good chemicals have worn off, our blinders are no longer up, and we start to see this person for who they really are.

As we navigate through learning whether or not our partner can be trusted, we experience feelings of frustration, disappointment, sadness, and exasperation.  If healthy, positive conflict discussions ensue, the relationship has a better likelihood of working.  If blaming arguments occur, well, it’s the opposite. 

In animal research, scientists found that oxytocin and vasopressin are two chemicals associated with lifelong pair-bonding among prairie voles.  Prairie voles have high levels of oxytocin; they mate for life.  In a study, when scientists blocked the oxytocin receptors, the animals no longer formed monogamous bonds and tended to roam.

Oxytocin has been called “the love hormone” or “the cuddle hormone” because it plays an important role in forming attachments.  Our style of attachment (secure or insecure) as adults is rooted in how we bonded with caregivers as infants and children, namely our mother.  When you hold an infant, they wiggle in your arms to find comfort.  Once they find it, they put the whole weight of their body on you.  They give you com.plete. trust. with their being.  They feel safe and secure.

The building of trust is about having your partner’s best interests in mind and at heart.

John Gottman

In Trust Factor: The Science of Creating High-Performance Companies, Paul Zak describes the chemical reactions in our brains on how we respond to challenges and how trust is created.  In rodents, oxytocin has been shown to signal that another animal was safe to approach.  In an experiment conducted by Zak’s team, they found that oxytocin tended to reduce the fear of trusting a stranger.

Challenge stresses, (a difficult but achievable task), releases oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.  Chemicals that intensify your focus and strengthen social connections.  In dating, this would probably be “the chase”.

Ultimately, you cultivate trust by setting a clear direction, giving people what they need to see it through, and getting out of their way.

Paul Zak

This comes down to expectations, communication, and feedback.  Not only are these typically weak areas in businesses, but also just in day-to-day relationships with coworkers, friends, family, and romantic partners.  

What’s interesting to me about all of this is that it goes to show that whether you are in a romantic or professional relationship with someone, our chemical reactions to building trust are essentially the same.  Healthy and positive conflict discussions in either type of relationship will see more success.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intuition.

Did you know that there is a lot of chatter in the medical community about our gut being our second brain? So when you “go with your gut” or have a “gut feeling”, there really is something to say for that. Scientists call this second brain our enteric nervous system (ENS), and it is made up of more than 100 million nerve cells 😳 that line our gastrointestinal tract from our esophagus to our rectum.

The ENS isn’t capable of thoughts as we know them coming from our brain, but it does communicate back and forth with our brain. Researchers and doctors thought that depression and anxiety contributed to the emotional shifts experienced by people who suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and functional bowel problems such as constipation and bloating. But now, they are finding evidence that the irritation in the gastrointestinal system may actually be sending signals to our central nervous system triggering mood changes. 🤯 Isn’t that interesting? Our gut may tell us when we have a digestive problem by shifting our mood.

A lot of times our intuition is reflected in a “gut feeing.” So, is intuition our brain telling our gut to react or our gut telling our brain to react?

Intuition is a form of knowledge that appears in consciousness without obvious deliberation. It is not magical but rather a faculty in which hunches are generated by the unconscious mind rapidly sifting through past experience and cumulative knowledge.

Psychology Today

We develop our intuition based on patterns. Logical knowledge certainly plays a part, but sometimes analyzing data and information doesn’t provide us with the answers we need, so we turn to our intuition for additional guidance.

I am highly sensitive to my surroundings and my emotions. When I experience something, I pick up on subtle details that others may not pay attention to, such as: the vibe in the room, smells, sounds, behaviors, and how these things make me feel. I use multiple senses to receive information, creating a strong experience that resonates personally. I then (consciously and subconsciously) deeply process this information storing it for a later date.

By having the additional information from multiple senses and deeply processing it, I’m better equipped to follow my intuition in a future similar experience. When like-situations arise, I don’t need to mull anything over. I’ve already done the analyzing. I can quickly make a decision and move on.

Since I perceive things stronger when I associate experiences with how they make me feel, my intuition arises more in something that I just know rather than in a gut feeling. My brain doesn’t need to send the signals to the nerve cells in my ENS prompting a feeling to arise. I’ve already felt all I need to feel to come to a decision.

Let me give you an example…

Dating. 🙄 When someone I know recommends I date someone, and I flat out say, “No, I’m not interested.” Follow-up remarks usually go something like this, “How do you know? You never gave him a chance. You never know until you try.” The thing is though, I do know.

Either from past interactions with the potential suitor or based on information provided to me about the potential suitor, I’ve already come to a conclusion about this guy. It’s nothing against him personally. It’s just that I pick up on all these subtle details in my interactions with people and invest a lot of time and emotion into processing those details.

When I learn about or interact with a potential suitor and I either consciously or subconsciously associate his traits to past experiences with himself or other people, I don’t need to “take a chance” on dating him. I’ve already invested energy on a like-person and determined they’re not worth my time (in a romantic capacity or otherwise), so why would this guy be? But again, it is nothing against him personally. For better or worse, this is just how my brain processes information.

Of course, our intuition isn’t full proof, and I can be wrong. But intuition is more reliable in some areas than others such as forming first impressions, detecting deception, and detecting sexual orientation – all things that are very relevant and important when pursing a romantic relationship.

People have accused me of being judgmental, having high standards, and being cold-hearted when I decline the opportunity to date someone who is likely a really great guy. But if we take being judgmental (which is based on logic and reason), having high standards, and being cold-hearted and apply these qualities in business, I would be praised for my confidence and acumen.

The ability to know myself so well that I can react intuitively on personal matters is seen negatively when my ability to react intuitively in business is seen positively. It’s a shame that this is how society has shaped our perspectives. It’s no wonder we have a hard time being true to ourselves. Emotional intelligence is so undervalued. 😒

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