by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Impeccable.

In the Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz defines impeccable as “without sin”.  

A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself.

Don Miguel Ruiz

Who we are has been shaped by the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those around us.  Most notably, our parents who have influenced our entire belief system since birth.  How do we know who we really are when so much of who we are has been influenced by others?  Their thoughts have become engrained in our minds as if they are our own.

Personally, I think this is why emotional intelligence and self-awareness is critical to our function.  Our bodies react to our emotions.  When we pay attention to what our bodies tell us, when we learn the contours of our emotions, we can decipher between what is right for us and what others think is right for us.  

We feel safe around the people we care about.  We value their opinions, beliefs, perspectives, and thoughts.  When we lean into these social connections to build or maintain relationships, it can be very difficult to disagree with them.  We all have an innate desire to belong.  If we disagree with those who are close to us, then we feel vulnerable, exposed, and isolated.  And it’s scary to be on the outside, especially of our innermost circle.

This has been, by far, the hardest part of my leadership journey.  

It’s not having disagreements in the sense of “I’m right and you’re wrong.”  It’s having disagreements in doing what is best for me that may go against the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those I am surrounded by.  

I’ve learned to pay deep attention to words that are spoken, actions that are taken, and patterns of behavior in the people around me.  So often, it is their own insecurities, fears, short-comings, or desires that are projected onto others, and I don’t even have to be a direct recipient to recognize it.

It is so incredibly difficult to spot weaknesses in people who have no idea these are weaknesses in themselves being projected onto the ones they care about.  Although I am thankful to be able to not accept these projections as my own, it feels quite lonely to not join the comfort of agreement. 

People look at the outsiders as weak or weird.  The outsiders are the ones I’ve come to admire most.  They are true to themselves.  They are courageous.  They are impeccable.  

Maya Angelou said:

You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

For the outsiders, the price is high in judgment, criticism, assumptions, and opinions from others.  These will hurt, no matter who you are.  But they don’t agree with the negative projections from others.  They belong to no place and no one, because they belong to themselves – wholly and completely, and freedom is their reward.  Doesn’t that just sound like a sacred place to be? (Hint: it is.)

But I’m still learning this.  I don’t yet feel free.  I still feel trapped in the web of morals, values, beliefs, opinions, fears, and judgments of those around me.  It’s like I’ve got one leg in the circle and one leg out.  But it’s not so much fear that is holding me back so much as it is the emotional reaction I feel to the disagreement. I feel sad for the other person.  

Sad that they:

  1. Have this insecurity or display criticism or judgement;
  2. They don’t recognize it;
  3. They’re unintentionally spreading it onto those they care about.

As much as I’d like to leave them in the circle while I step outside, part of me wants to join them in their misery.  Not because of I believe their projection about myself or them, but because I want them to see what I see.  I see potential.  I see beauty.  I see a good heart.  I see that they have nothing to feel insecure or afraid of and I want to walk them outside of the circle to live their own. impeccable. life.

And maybe that’s just exactly what makes leadership so hard.  It’s like saving someone from a rip tide.  Not only are you swimming and paddling to keep yourself afloat, but you’re swimming and paddling to keep someone else from going under too.  A leader has to have strength for more than just themselves. And I suppose that is why not everyone is cut out for the job.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Emotional.

Remember when I wrote about listening to the wrong podcast episode of The Happiness Lab that prompted the post Sharing is Caring?  Well, I finally listened to the episode that was originally recommended for me to listen to.  It was called “Don’t Think of the White Bear.” 

I don’t even remember why this specific episode was recommended to me by a colleague.  I think we were talking about how emotions are contagious.  But what I took away from the episode was actually justification to my feelings in the post Let Me Be.  Turns out, the best way to get over our emotions is to fully embrace them, while we’re feeling them.  This helps us get over them more quickly and makes them less impactful on the feelings of others.

Researchers conducted an experiment between parents and their children.  Some parents were exposed to a very stressful day, while others were not.  The parents who were super stressed were told to suppress their feelings and pretend that everything was okay while playing Legos with their children.  Researchers found that the children whose parents were suppressing stressful feelings performed worse at the task and had less fun than the other children.  The stressed parents got angrier, more upset, and they were less responsive to their children.  Their bad mood deteriorated their bad mood even further while playing with their kids.

We are inclined to believe that suppressing our feelings or pretending like they don’t exist is helping us, but it’s actually doing the opposite. It takes more work to ignore our feelings. 

Roughly 1,000 – 2,000 studies have been conducted on the health of people who either write or talk about traumatic experiences.  The people who confront their feelings tend to go to the doctor at half the rate, are in better physical health, have better immune systems, and perform better on tests. The Dalai Lama recommends that keeping a calm mind is the best way to work through our feelings.  One researcher does a short meditation when she is feeling frustrated or upset.  She intensely focuses on the emotion for a short period of time, and this allows her to move on more quickly and readily. 

Personally, I cry.  If I am super angry or upset or frustrated, I cry.  Likewise, when I am super happy or proud, I cry.  Whether the emotion is good or bad, when I feel intensely, I need to get it off my chest and release the buildup of emotional pressure.  Although I may not immediately feel 100% better, there is usually guaranteed improvement.

They say that self-awareness is the #1 quality of a great leader. Leaders recognize that emotions are contagious. They understand how they feel affects their thoughts and behaviors, which then affects the feelings and thoughts and behaviors of those around them – no differently than the experiment with stressed parents and their children.

Not coincidentally, the key to improving self-awareness is to fully embrace your emotions as you are feeling them. This helps you understand how your feelings influence your thoughts and behaviors. Having high emotional intelligence not only makes you a great leader, but it will also improve your relationships.

It’s one thing to know about self-awareness and how to manage your emotions, it’s another to put it into practice. Weather it’s a brisk walk, a meditation, or a good cry, find what works for you.