I find it ironic that it’s sometimes the people who are against talking about feelings or self-reflecting that are the most emotional. In business, it can be challenging for subordinates or colleagues to approach these people with constructive feedback. It’s waiting until that person is in the right mood, reading the situation, treading lightly, and being deliberate with the words you say. While this typically applies in any situation, some (people and situations) are more sensitive than others.
When developing new relationships, personally or professionally, the same approach applies. We walk fine lines. It’s not until a level of trust builds that we can be more direct. We often don’t really care so much about hurting a family member’s feelings. We will “tell them like it is” because sometimes “the truth hurts” and “it has to be said.”
Everyone has a different communication style, and there are 4 specific ones that most people refer to (information is readily available with a Google search):
- Passive – Indifferent, yielding to others; fail to express feelings or needs, allowing others to express themselves, lack of eye contact.
- “It doesn’t matter.”
- Aggressive – Emphasized by speaking in a loud and demanding voice, intense eye contact; issue demands and rudely ask questions; fails to listen to others.
- “I’m right, and you’re wrong.”
- Passive-Aggressive – Passive on the surface but may fill powerless or stuck within, building up resentment; do not confront a person or issue; difficulty acknowledging their anger; may give silent treatment or talk about someone behind their back.
- “That’s fine, but don’t be surprised if someone else isn’t okay with it.”
- Assertive – Open communication without being overbearing; can express own needs and desire while considering others; aim for a win/win situation.
- “Agree to disagree.”
I think we all use these different communication styles depending on the situation, but we definitely have a preferred style. Several years ago, I probably would have been a passive communicator and preferred to be communicated with in any style but aggressive. Today, I’m much more of an assertive communicator and prefer to be communicated with in an assertive style. I like expectations to be laid out upfront. I want to understand the purpose of the conversation, and the intent of the person speaking.
I was reading a book awhile back that talked about romance, specifically, how courtship has shifted. Today, when we court someone, communication is usually via text and asking someone on a date is more “Wanna hang out?” Well, “Wanna hang out?” can mean any sorts of things to many different people. It’s a very passive invitation.
Courtship used to mean calling a landline, maybe even leaving a message 😱, and asking someone out on a date, specifically for the purpose of dating. You walk a fine line when getting to know someone as it is. You want to be forthcoming but not too forward. You want to be inquisitive but not intrusive. You want to be supportive but not clingy. There are so many uncertainties during this phase of courtship. We make it more complicated by passively putting ourselves out there verses assertively putting ourselves out there. We’ve stopped actually putting our heart on that fine line we’re walking.
We are constantly walking a fine line, both in our personal and our professional lives. Because either way, you are developing a relationship. As I said, some people and some situations are more sensitive than others. Whether a person is emotional or not, how we approach a situation and the words we choose can dramatically affect the message and the impact of a conversation. It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.
The medium is the message.
Marshall McLuhan
Perhaps, this is why I’m so judgmental when a guy texts me before calling. A passive “We should hang out.” text message is far less impressive than an assertive in-person “Would you like to go on a date?” Expectation is clear, and intent is clear.
I feel like you have a better chance of not being rejected in-person, because you have all the non-verbal cues to know whether that person is interested or not. But I understand the vulnerability that comes with taking that chance in-person. It’s my head and my heart coming from two different places. But the only way to not set myself up for disappointment is to lay them both on the line.
