There is a man that I respect who is very intelligent but typically has bad delivery. He has these great ideas and points to make, but his thoughts are scattered when he speaks and sometimes just listening to him and/or conversations with him are hard to follow. He recognizes this about himself and even pokes fun at himself for it.
I went to a meeting with him, where he vocalized his opinion and literally got laughed at. In a room full of professional adults, this lady legit lol’d during his commentary.
After the meeting, he said to me, “I said what needed to be said. I don’t really care if they think I’m an idiot.”
That is having courage.
Because he was right. He said what everyone else was too afraid to say. And can they really judge him when he had the guts to vulnerably admit the problem? No. He took one for the team. Everyone else wanted to dance around the issue. And you know why she laughed? Because he called her out on it.
People are so afraid of conflict that they don’t realize they’re creating more of it by not directly addressing the issue head-on.
While conflict is uncomfortable, it needs to be hashed out. Like this man, I’m typically the one who wants to call people out on their bullshit, so we can find solutions. That’s the only way you will truly move forward.
But people have very emotional responses to conflict. I’m not immune to this either. Criticism, negative feedback – these are tough pills to swallow.
I recently approached someone with a problem I was having. He needed to be made aware of a situation, and I was dreading this conversation. I psyched myself out about it before I approached him. I had a lump in my throat. Pretty sure my hands were shaking. I knew exactly how the conversation was going to go down, and it went down worse than I anticipated. I presented him with facts. I had examples. But he got defensive, made excuses, and then completely shut down.
Now, I work in a masculine industry. Feelings don’t belong in farming, right?
WRONG!
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Our feelings drive our behavior, our attitude, and our actions. Do you think he responded the way he did, because he was unfazed by the information? No. I struck a nerve.
And how did I respond to the situation? I. Was. Pissed. This was not an easy conversation for me to start, and he completely dismissed what I had to say. And for as much as I’d like to be completely passive-aggressive in our future encounters, my leadership training has taught me to rise above. (Also, I’m slightly resenting all that training in this instance.)
Conflict is necessary for good communication and in good relationships. We can’t just constantly talk about all that’s great in the world. Look how that’s gone down in social media. People only post the best part of their lives, and we are left feeling inadequate. We become disengaged, self-conscious, and unworthy. Do you want to feel that way in your personal and professional lives too?
There’s a great quote that I’ll paraphrase, because I don’t know who said it, but it goes something like: conflict is not the difference between good and bad but between truth and lies.
Yeah, it sucks to be dismissed or laughed at. But plant the seed. (Farm pun not intended but should definitely be recognized.) You will feel better for making the effort and stating your peace. The truth will come out eventually, and the conflict will no longer be avoidable.
The longer the conflict lingers, the worse off you will be. People go into self-preservation mode and facts become fuzzy. Feelings build. Minor issues become major issues.
We are human; we make mistakes. How you handle conflict is a true test of character. In my examples, one man earned some of my respect while the other lost some. So which do you think I’m inclined to build a better relationship with?
