by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intent.

Last week, (or whenever it was), I wrote about our ability to learn from our mistakes. When we make a poor decision with no ill intent, it is simply a human error in judgment, and we move on with life.  No harm, no foul. But what happens when there is harm? When there is foul? Why is intent sometimes looked at and not others?

My thoughts on this were prompted a few days ago when a liberal friend of mine posted something about guns on her Facebook page. She essentially said that she doesn’t want to take away guns; she just wants people to get proper instruction and training, so you know how to handle the firearm. Now, I’m not sure the context in which she meant this, and I know she does not condone violence. But my initial reaction was, “The bigger concern is not so much about if you know how to use a firearm; it’s more about what you intend to do with it.” Learning to use a gun specifically for murder is a lot different than learning to use a gun for potential use in self-defense.

But I’m not here to start a gun control debate with you. I’m sure you know how I feel about that. My point is that intent matters.

Following up on my interest in stoicism, Rafał Albiński explores the idea that there are two components to action: 1.) the intent or willingness to act, and 2.) the act itself (doing what was intended to be done). According to psychological theory, creating intent is within our control. Intent is conscious motive. But the action is not always entirely up to us. I may intend to meet my friend for lunch at 11:30, but several things can prevent that from happening:

  1. Someone pulls out in front of me and I get in a car accident (an external condition)
  2. I get focused on a project at work and lose track of time (nonvolitional will – unconscious decision)
  3. I deliberately choose to stand him up (volitional will – conscious decision)

Stoics believe that if something is not fully up to us, then it is not up to us. It’s fate-based. Therefore if action 1 happens, then I was not meant to meet that friend for lunch. My life was fated to take a different path. If action 2 happens, then it is possible that I was late because I was fated to avoid that accident. If action 3 happens, then I’m not really practicing Stoic (or simply kind) behavior and should reconsider my intent.

But this isn’t a lesson in Stoicism, so here’s another angle. Loretta G. Breuning, Ph.D. says:

Intention is the human ability to redirect the electricity in your brain instead of just letting it flow down the path of least resistance. Animals don’t do this. The world reaches their senses and electricity flows into paths paved by past experience. We humans can notice that flow and divert it.

If we go back to the gun issue as an example…this is an emotionally charged debate. But it’s what prompted my thought process, so I’m going to follow through on it.

Pulling the trigger is the second component of the action. The first component is the willingness to pull the trigger. Which means the human consciously diverted their energy into the action. This two component approach is also used in criminal law. The intent (mens rea) must be proven in order to secure a conviction for the actual act (actus reus).

Had I of commented on my friends post with my initial reaction, it likely would have started a gun control debate with her or one of her other FB friends. Her intent on the post was genuinely good. She was extending a Second Amendment olive branch out to her conservative friends, so to speak. My reaction would have blown her comments out of proportion, and created a defensive/divisive environment on our feeds.

As I said in my last post, “just because we can use media as mindless entertainment doesn’t mean we should always consume it as mindless media.” We need to stop receiving everyone’s commentary at face-value and consider the intent of their messages. especially on social media. We subconsciously think that everyone is out to intentionally inflict harm on us, when really, people are just voicing an opinion that they have every right to have.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Control.

Control has been on my mind a lot lately for many reasons.  Some things have happened that are beyond my control, and some things have happened where I am taking control.  Since I frequently write about the need to control what we can control, it has me wondering why this is my desire?  

I would not consider myself a “control freak.”  I’m actually really easygoing when it comes to a lot of things.  In fact, what I’m realizing is that I may have been too easygoing in the past.  

Control is defined as “the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.”  If you’ve read my intro, you’ll know that I believe leadership is about influence.  Somewhere on my leadership journey, in learning how to influence others, I realized I am being negatively influenced by some people around me.  

We all have the right to be treated how we want to be treated.  Using our ability to influence, we actually have the ability to control how people treat us.  Like, this may not be earthshattering news.  But realistically, few of us are really aware of how we are being negatively influenced by others.  

Not so coincidentally, I recently listened to a podcast episode of the Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos on Epictetus and the Stoics.  The episode description says:

There are things we can control and things we can’t control. There are also things we can influence a bit. Being able to accept this concept and only set our goals accordingly saves us a lot of anguish. It’s a key lesson of Stoicism.

See why I said “not so coincidentally”?

To break it down: Philosophy professor Bill Irvine said that there is actually ambiguity in control: there are things that you cannot control, things that you can control, and things that you can influence.  He calls this the trichotomy of control.

The concepts of trichotomy of control and Stoicism have shed some new light on the situation I am trying to find peace within.

Feeling trapped in a situation I didn’t want to be in, I had been looking for an escape route.  But none of the escape options bring me immediate relief either.  And an escape route is looking for an easy way out. And I never take the easy way. So here I am.  Learning about Stoicism trying to reframe the situation to make it more bearable.  And you know what?  It worked. (So far.)

Normally, when people say “make a pros and cons list.” I’m like, “Yeah, okay 🙄. ” Then never actually do it.  But in this situation, I actually made a list of everything that made me feel hurt or angry.  I realized that there was only one common theme in the negativity, and it’s a big one: I felt my independence was being stifled and taken away.  But all of the circumstances surrounding this lack of control, all came from a place of love and support.  Motives were genuinely good.

So how did I reframe the situation? I put it in a language I understand: selfless leadership.  

Basically, I needed to accept this gift for their betterment.  I am doing them a disservice by not accepting, and that is not a selfless leader thing to do!  Instead of looking at it through a lens of how they were helping me (when I didn’t need it, want it, or ask for it), I reframed it to how I. was. helping. them.  This gave me a sense of control.  I’m doing them the favor, not the other way around.

But that was only a partial solution.  How do I regain my independence?  I start my Master’s degree!  Obviously. 😂 

For real though, the gift I had been rejecting tied up part of my future, and I didn’t feel like I had much of a say in it.  Grad school had been teetering in my mind for a long time, so I decided to just jump in.  This was a future I had a choice in and control over. I’ve been able to channel the negative feelings to rise to a new challenge of. my. making.

By reframing my view, I’ve actually created a win-win situation – giving me a sense of control over all of it.

Change, especially not of our making, can be extremely uncomfortable. Change, even of our making, can be extremely unconformable. Controlling what we can control, minimizes the discomfort to the degree that we can. None of it is going to be easy, but we can make, at least, make it a little more bearable.

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