The definition of adversity is “a state or instance of serious or continued difficulty or misfortune.” State or instance – which means that it can be constant or a one-time difficulty or misfortune. Nothing in the definition refers to the intensity or severity of this difficulty or misfortune, yet it seems to me that many people tend to associate adversity with tragedy or sacrifice. Even I do this! (Yes, it says “serious”, but that is subjective and irrelevant for where I’m going with this. 😒)
In the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Manson says, “For many of us, our proudest achievements come in the face of the greatest adversity. Our pain often makes us stronger, more resilient, more grounded.”
Is it weird that I love that last line?
Most people shy away from the hard stuff. They avoid it. Me? I lean into it. I want to feel it all in raw form, fully and completely. And I’m not going to lie, it can be extremely rough. But I believe that you can’t have the good without the bad. Giving into the negative helps me recognize the positive and allows me to fully embrace the happy too. (And if you remember from this post and this post, giving into the emotion also helps you work through it quicker.)
I recently realized that I am an independent problem-solver. I will seek advice and hear opinions, but when it comes down to it, I internalize working through my problems completely alone. Whether this is healthy or not is an entirely different story, but I’ve literally been doing this since the day I was born. (Which is a whole other story.)
The amount of personal growth that comes with leaning into pain or adversity, then independently problem-solving, 100% makes me stronger, more resilient, and more grounded. I am proud of who I am because of this … but it’s also made me a bit cold and closed off. Something to be less proud of.
Brené Brown defines courage in it’s earliest form as “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” (Can we just acknowledge how beautiful that definition is for a sec?) She says:
Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds…this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences – good and bad.
I have a lifetime of strength and experience built up in my heart. To be truly courageous in speaking my mind by telling what’s in my heart …. I can’t even put into words how terrifying that is. For me, that is complete. naked. exposure.
When I’m facing adversity, I can be very emotional and very logical. Sometimes my head and my heart can tell me two entirely different things. And typically, logic wins.
Logic works with facts and reason. I don’t have to be vulnerable with what’s in my heart. I let my emotional needs take a backseat. But in doing so, I set myself up for the possibility of not achieving my desired outcome, because I wasn’t courageous enough to admit what I truly wanted. And can I really be angry or upset when I don’t achieve my desired outcome when I didn’t lay it all out on the line in the first place? No, I can’t. I’m left with feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty, because I didn’t give it my all. But if I lay out logic and emotion and still don’t get the desired result, then I can accept that as the way it was supposed to go. I can move on knowing that I did give it my all.
But it’s all easier said than done, am I right? I mean…shit. Literally, the thought of having to lay out some of the sensitive things that are in my heart makes me want to 🤢. For me personally (and probably most people), vulnerability = courage and adversity – at the same time! 🤯
When we recognize courageous acts of vulnerability in ourselves, it promotes empathy and compassion toward adversity in others. And if you remember, when we share things with others, it intensifies our experiences. And that is what creates connection. 💖
