by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Trust.

I once saw a meme that said, “Dating is getting to know someone until you realize you don’t like that person anymore.”  I mean, how true is that statement though? 😬 It’s kind of sad when you really think about it.  You invest time, energy, and emotion in someone until you ultimately discover that person is not worth your time, energy, and emotion.

There are a lot of great things about being single, don’t get me wrong.  The freedom is undeniably one of the best aspects of it.  But the dating part is hard.

First, choosing the person you want to date.  Not just anyone will set off the “cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that accompanies the exciting first phase of love.  The person we select has to smell right, feel right, look right, and be just right in our arms.  Then, and only then, will the cascade get started.” – John Gottman, Ph.D

Once we choose that person (which I think is a conscious and subconscious decision), our brain releases several chemicals that have enormous influence on our judgment and affection.  These chemicals include a natural form of amphetamine, dopamine, pheromones, and oxytocin.  Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined this phase of love as “limerence”.  Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession typically experienced by an involuntary strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.

It is our biological makeup that reacts to the people we are attracted to.  We cannot control the release of these chemicals, which is what makes the initial phase of relationships so intoxicating and exciting.  Then we enter the make it or break it phase of the relationship: Building Trust. 

This is where we discover we may not really like that person after all.  Some of those feel good chemicals have worn off, our blinders are no longer up, and we start to see this person for who they really are.

As we navigate through learning whether or not our partner can be trusted, we experience feelings of frustration, disappointment, sadness, and exasperation.  If healthy, positive conflict discussions ensue, the relationship has a better likelihood of working.  If blaming arguments occur, well, it’s the opposite. 

In animal research, scientists found that oxytocin and vasopressin are two chemicals associated with lifelong pair-bonding among prairie voles.  Prairie voles have high levels of oxytocin; they mate for life.  In a study, when scientists blocked the oxytocin receptors, the animals no longer formed monogamous bonds and tended to roam.

Oxytocin has been called “the love hormone” or “the cuddle hormone” because it plays an important role in forming attachments.  Our style of attachment (secure or insecure) as adults is rooted in how we bonded with caregivers as infants and children, namely our mother.  When you hold an infant, they wiggle in your arms to find comfort.  Once they find it, they put the whole weight of their body on you.  They give you com.plete. trust. with their being.  They feel safe and secure.

The building of trust is about having your partner’s best interests in mind and at heart.

John Gottman

In Trust Factor: The Science of Creating High-Performance Companies, Paul Zak describes the chemical reactions in our brains on how we respond to challenges and how trust is created.  In rodents, oxytocin has been shown to signal that another animal was safe to approach.  In an experiment conducted by Zak’s team, they found that oxytocin tended to reduce the fear of trusting a stranger.

Challenge stresses, (a difficult but achievable task), releases oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.  Chemicals that intensify your focus and strengthen social connections.  In dating, this would probably be “the chase”.

Ultimately, you cultivate trust by setting a clear direction, giving people what they need to see it through, and getting out of their way.

Paul Zak

This comes down to expectations, communication, and feedback.  Not only are these typically weak areas in businesses, but also just in day-to-day relationships with coworkers, friends, family, and romantic partners.  

What’s interesting to me about all of this is that it goes to show that whether you are in a romantic or professional relationship with someone, our chemical reactions to building trust are essentially the same.  Healthy and positive conflict discussions in either type of relationship will see more success.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Friends & Family.

People never cease to amaze me – and today, I mean that in a good way! Over the past several years, I’ve grown a part from many friends and have gained many others. It doesn’t mean that I think less of those friends I don’t see or speak to often, it means that our lives have taken different directions.

As 2019 comes to a close, I think of all of that’s changed. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. As I reflect on my friendships, old and new, I understand why these people have come and gone (or stayed) in my life. Some I expect to reconnect with once our lives re-align. Others, I recognize our time together has passed.

The thing about family though is that even when you grow a part, you are still tied together. While my professional life has taken turns that I never expected, my personal life has stayed pretty constant. Over the past several years, I’ve seen cousins marry and have children, grow in their careers and quit unhappy jobs. We’ve had health scares and hospital visits. We’ve celebrated life and mourned it as well.

I was talking to my brother-in-law a couple of weeks ago, and he said, “People don’t get our family.” I laughed. The Litten Compound is full of adventure. Between the nighttime flashlight and .22 meet-ups, the trophy photos of gophers and moles and skunks and possums and raccoons, to the rain gauge water thefts and falling trees, there is rarely a dull moment.

That adventure follows us Litten’s wherever we go. We have an amazing support system of loving and caring friends and family that thankfully find our lifestyle entertaining and choose to be part of it. But if I’m being honest, it’s taken me time to appreciate the quirks, and the changes.

I’m learning to embrace the changes and the uniqueness of our dynamic group, and it has me feeling incredibly proud of the adults my cousins have grown into, grateful that we can still depend on one another, and thankful that we’ve been raised the way we were. Looking around my social circle, I’m in disbelief that these intelligent, outgoing, motivated, and good-humored people include me in their ranks.

You are who you surround yourself with, so look around. There is so much to be thankful this holiday season.