by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Self and Tolerance.

The problem with becoming self-aware is that you begin to notice all the wrongs. What I mean is that your triggers seem to increase as you recognize how traits and behaviors of others impact you. Even more, you begin to realize that you have unknowingly accepted a level of treatment that you now know is unhealthy for you.

As a leader, we are sometimes required to tolerate things that we wouldn’t normally tolerate. Whether it be in your home life or your work life, there is undoubtedly someone that you accept poor treatment from because you have to. And I say “have to” because it may not be immediately feasible for you to leave the relationship (e.g., financial limitations of quitting a job or familial repercussions of defriending a sibling). When we feel this strain in a relationship, how do we know when we are stretching our leadership muscles versus sacrificing self?

Discomfort occurs either way.

Does it come down to severity of discomfort (e.g., some is stretching, a lot is sacrifice)? Or does sacrifice equate to snapping from stretching too much?

We can’t just up and leave a relationship every time it gets hard. Relationships take work, no matter the type. We have to be flexible with one another for the relationship to adapt to individual growth, and effort put forth should be balanced and symbiotic in order for the relationship to be sustainable.

So does sacrifice result from a one-sided or inequal commitment?

I don’t know that there is an easy answer or an answer at all. Maybe it all comes down to tolerability. What may be stretching in a relationship to one might be sacrificing to another. One person might put in a month’s worth of effort and call it good; others might put years into making the relationship work. It also comes down to importance of the relationship. If it is a spouse or loved one, then we will likely give it more time and effort than if it is a colleague or employee.

In any instance, tolerating unhealthy treatment is, well, unhealthy. That is why so many experts in leadership stress the importance of self-care. The better you care for yourself the more you can tolerate others!

Unfortunately, many of us do not give ourselves the care we truly need. And it’s hard to explain your needs to people who do not understand or empathize with the toll being a leader can have on oneself. Just as tolerance varies per person, so does quality and quantity of self-care. As we increasingly recognize the traits and behaviors of others and their impacts on us, we need to hone awareness of our own needs and care for ourselves as we care for others – if not more.

Leadership is a gift that often goes unrecognized and unappreciated. Don’t make it harder on yourself by ignoring your self.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Strength.

I was recently asked, “What makes you feel strong?”  The question caught me off-guard, and I did a quick analysis of my life.  I thought about my job, being a volunteer, public speaking, relationships, travel, the programs I’ve been part of, the opportunities I’ve had, and being a leader.  Without much conscious thought, I replied, “I feel strongest in my weakest moments.”

Then I got caught off-guard by my own response, and I’ve been thinking about it since.  I’m realizing how true the statement is.  

There have been times where I am curled up in a ball, crying, feeling every piece of my heart break 💔, experiencing extremely deep hurts that translate into actual pain.  In these moments of complete emotional vulnerability, there is something empowering in knowing that I. will. make. it through.  It’s absolute faith in God’s greater plan.  It is resilience in action.

It seems to me that almost everything we equate to strength in our culture today is actually the opposite of what strength is.  Strength is the power to resist force or attack. Read that slowly, intentionally, and take it in.

I don’t want this to be a political post, but there are so many examples in our political climate.  Truly peaceful protests are a sign of strength.  When it takes a turn to violence and vandalism, it is no longer a demonstration of strength.  It is a sign of weakness, because we have not resisted the urge to fight or attack.  Consider how much effort (aka strength) it takes to hold back emotion when we are angry.   I had to have a courageous conversation with my boss a couple of weeks ago, and it took everything I had to not burst into tears.

There is a big difference between leaning into our emotions and letting our emotions control us.  There is a right time and a right place.  There are healthy and unhealthy ways to manage our feelings.  

I’m not really much of a runner anymore, but a couple of months ago, I was going through some tough shit.  I decided to go pound pavement; I needed my body to feel the pain my heart was feeling.  I talked it out and I cried it out, but I still wasn’t feeling any better.  So I ran it out.  And man, did it help. 🏃🏻‍♀️  

I ran hard, and fast, and for a surprisingly long time!  When I stopped, I thought my lungs were going to collapse.  I let out all of my pain in that run.  Kind of like Phoebe…only angrily…🤪

Not only did the run make me feel emotionally strong, but it made me feel physically strong. I’m not saying running is the solution for everyone. Now, I will literally only run if I’m experiencing that kind of hurt. (Running is not fun. 😂)

In leadership, you must lead yourself, before you lead others, before you lead organizations. This is why self-awareness is so important. When we become more attuned to our own emotions, we naturally (and unconsciously) gain the ability to recognize signals in others increasing our empathetic ability to hopefully respond with kindness and compassion. Leadership requires a strong foundation, and it all begins with you.