by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Pause.

Today, we are so caught up in media, technology, gossip, global news, economic in/stability, and essentially, way more things than I can list.  The advancement of having entertainment at our fingertips has increasingly distracted and distanced us from our need to self-reflect.  And yes, it is a need.  

When we turn our attention inward, it increases creativity and intimacy.  Focusing on our thoughts, identifying our feelings, and pondering our purpose and value activates the part of our brains that bring meaning to our lives and strengthens our identity – both of which contribute to a positive well-being.

Some people can find moments of pause throughout their day to reflect, show gratitude, pray, and/or appreciate; others have to make the time for it.  I’m both.  I need a lot of solitude.  I can appreciate in the small moments of the day-to-day grind, but, at least, probably once a month, I need a full day.  

During this day, I read, write, think, reflect, dream, and feel.  If there’s a lot of shit going on like there has been lately, I need more time alone.  I don’t function well when I can’t fully process the things that are happening around me.  I don’t need to understand everything, but I do need the time to fully digest it and let it settle.

[Side story: My Toastmasters mentor was encouraging me to practice my speeches during my drive time. I said, “Absa-F’ing-lutley. Not.” (Except a lot more eloquently.) Really what I said was, “I can’t do that. My drive time is sacred.” And truly it is. Drive time is my day-to-day pause time.]

As you know, I’m pretty fascinated by how our brains and our bodies work individually and collectively.  To continue on my current obsession of our heart, it actually acts as a great symbol ❤️ for our need to pause and reflect.  

The heart operates in two phases: systole and diastole.  Most people think that the systole phase is where all the action lies, because it’s pumping blood out to all of our other vital organs.  But it’s actually the diastole phase, where the heart relaxes that is the most important.  In this phase, the coronary blood vessels fill and supply oxygen to the heart muscle itself.  Without this pause, our heart would not receive the oxygen required to keep our heart pumping to supply blood to all of our other organs.  It’s the pause that keeps us alive.   

I’m going to repeat that for effect: It’s the pause that keeps us alive.

But truly think about this for a second: The heart receives oxygen when it relaxes. (Oxygen gives us life, people!) And it’s in the relaxation phase, the pause, that we receive the vital nutrients needed. to. live. 🤯‼️

Self-care is critical to our function. As I mentioned in my post about grief, our ability to indulge in external self-care has been limited in the age of COVID. So take the time to pause! It costs nothing, yet can have profound impacts.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Loneliness – Part 2

It’s been 4 months since I wrote this post on loneliness, and 6 months since this pandemic dramatically altered our lives.  I think most of us would agree, we did not expect it to be so impactful and last. this. long.  

If you’ve been following along here for a while, you may have noticed that I love learning about how our emotions develop through chemical reactions in our brains.  Here are a few things I’ve learned in my reading of Together by Dr. Vivek Murthy:

  • Our brain has two networks: one for social processing and one for non-social processing.
    • When we are done performing a task (non-social processing), our brain immediately switches back to social thinking.  So even when we’re just kicking back and relaxing, our brain is preparing for social interactions.  
  • The prefrontal cortex is a selfish portion of our brain, active when we are “self-processing.”  However, this part of the brain is also active when we turn our attention to others. Meaning: we define ourselves as we interact with others.  

We are literally wired to socially connect.  Relationships are as functional to our being as food and water.  Just like when we go without those needs, there are physical and behavioral ramifications when we go without social connection:

  • When our ancestors were hunter-gatherers and one became isolated from their tribe, hypervigilance would set in. Hypervigilance is a state of increased alertness that puts a lot of stress on the body and is not sustainable for long periods of time.  Over time, hypervigilance became embedded in our nervous systems to produce anxiety that we associate with loneliness.  The stress on a body due to loneliness over long periods of time can lead to heart disease and other chronic illnesses.
  • Emotional and physical pain are processed by the brain in similar ways.  “The sensory fibers that register emotional and physical pain overlap in the brain.”     

What is even. more. fascinating is that quality of connection matters.

If you remember, there are 3 dimensions of loneliness based on the types of relationships we have:

  1. Intimate – emotional connection
  2. Relational – social connections
  3. Collective – community connections

We need all 3 to positively affect our well-being.  You can’t have more of one and expect it to balance out the others.  

What concerns me about this pandemic is that really, none of us are getting the collective engagement that we need, and only some of us are getting the relational connections we need.  If we are getting relational connections, it’s probably inadequate since so many activities that we would typically engage in with these friends have been extremely limited too.  Most of us are only fulfilling our intimate connections.  Some of us aren’t even getting that either. (Hi. 👋🏼 Yeah.  I’m single. 🙄)

In order for us to develop strong connections with our caregivers, as babies, we perform perceptual narrowing. Perceptual narrowing is when babies start to favor faces of their family’s race and ethnicity.  They do this to hone their focus on their caregivers’ subtle cues and nuances to build a strong a relationship, secure attachment, and to bond, love, and build trust.

The intricacies of our natural, chemical make-up and the profound human connections that result from them are unmatchable by even the most sophisticated artificial intelligence. Technology cannot replace face-to-face communication.  Phone calls, text messages, and Zoom meetings are not fulfilling our need to connect.

Add in the mask mandate, and it gets worse, in my opinion.  You’re not receiving all the subtle non-verbal cues in a face-to-face conversation when half your face is covered.  

When we feel socially disconnected, we often feel unknown.

Dr. Vivek Murthy

While self-care is critical during this pandemic, it starts with self-awareness. Pay attention to your mind, body, and soul. Indulge when you need to indulge and make no apologies. Remember you are at the base of your leadership pyramid. A building can collapse from a weak foundation. We have to be strong for ourselves and for others.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Selfless Leadership.

Leadership is hard, you guys. 😔 I can’t attribute all of my life changes to leadership specifically, but it has played a very large role in shaping my perspective and how I interact/think of others.  Not only have I become a more assertive communicator, but I have heightened self-awareness, higher emotional intelligence, and a much bigger “big picture” approach when analyzing most situations.

It feels like I am constantly making (big and small) sacrifices for the benefit of others, often with little to no reward.  But then, I got to thinking about Jesus.  And living impeccably.  

My assumption was that living impeccably makes life easier; that there would be more happiness.  But that’s not really the case.  Life has definitely gotten harder in many ways.  Although there does seem to be a greater sense of well-being, the complexity of emotions that come with selfless leadership has made me feel (on average) just merely content.  I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel bad either.  I feel just okay.

If living impeccably means to live without sin, and sin is defined as “anything that you do which goes against yourself”, how do I be a selfless leader?  Selfless leadership seems to be nearly constant self-sacrifice.  It seems that living impeccably is the exact opposite of selfless leadership. 

But it’s not.

Naturally, we are very selfless.  It is the influence of others that creates selfishness.  I have loved my Toyota Tacoma for 10 years.  But when my friend got a brand-new Jeep Wrangler, it kind of made me want to trade in the Tacoma.  I was content with what I had, until someone else showed me what I did not have. 

If it is our natural tendency to help others, then not putting others before myself would actually be the sin.  Therefore, living impeccably is. selfless. leadership. 🤯  

As I considered this, I was like, “Shit.  That kind of sucks though.”  Now, I get to go through life building up others while I go without my own desires?  That’s unfair.  At what point do I get rewarded for this selfless behavior? I cannot live miserably to build up others to live impeccably. Does no good deed really go unpunished?

Then I realized that perhaps our reward doesn’t come here on earth.  I think part of me has been seeking reward through the instant gratification we have culturally (and generationally) become accustomed to.  But if I look at this through the much bigger “big picture”, it completely makes sense that the reward is within something bigger than ourselves.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, whether neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.

Mathew 6:19

Contentment is satisfaction.  And so is selfless leadership.  It may bring me a tinge of pain to go without my wants or needs, but knowing I have helped someone else achieve their goals comes with a great deal of pride in their efforts.  It’s a balance of positive and negative. ⚖️ But really, the positive outweighs the negative, because there is additional satisfaction in knowing I did the right thing.  My heart was in the right place, and that is my treasure.  

I’m not seeking reward in monetary or possessional gains.  I don’t even know what kind of reward I had been seeking.  But if “Godliness with contentment is great gain” (1 Timothy 6:6), then I’ve already claimed my reward.