by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Gratitude.

Life has been really F’ing hard lately. It feels like I have been rolling with punch after punch, that I haven’t even had the opportunity to indulge in a little “woe is me.”

While I’ve been surface-level complaining, I haven’t been able to process deeply. I haven’t been alone or free long enough to really meditate in those negative emotions. Because. life. is. cray. I have so much on my plate. I heard that sometimes upon graduation, students think that they are going to go out and celebrate their independence, but they all end up getting sick instead. Their bodies go into survival mode to get them through, and once it is over, the body is like “No, chick. Our celebration is lying in bed all day, not drinking mimosas by the pool.” I anticipate this happening to me. šŸ˜‚šŸ˜¬

I am fully in survival mode. And there is something strange about realizing it.

While I was technically on vacation for two weeks, the time that I wasn’t in BFE was spent doing homework. And I was still checking emails every time I strolled into service, because I really don’t have qualified back up at work. (Food safety is seriously specialized.šŸ™„) Returning to work was like I never left.

After two break downs in three days, I reached out to some friends. While we caught up visiting, I was also able to divulge some of my struggles. This got me thinking about my post on support, because they lifted me up. I felt supported. But I was also like, but, they didn’t do anything. They were just there for me and listened. And I realized, that. is. the. action. Their words of encouragement were just icing on the supportive cake.

It’s funny too, because that same day I was talking to someone else about a gratitude journal. I told him that I had started one a long time ago when I was going through a hard time. But I stopped, because the things that I was thankful for became, “I woke up. I didn’t get in a car accident. I have my health.” And while, yes, these are things to be grateful for, I was missing the point. It was generic gratitude, not purposeful gratitude. I wasn’t actually feeling grateful for those things. I was going through the motions.

So I stopped the gratitude journal. I realized that some days good things, (beyond the normal good things), just don’t happen. Of course, I am grateful for my existence, my health, my safety, and that of my family and friends. That goes without question.

Yesterday, I finally got a pre-harvest assessment I had been requesting from a harvest supervisor. And it was wrong.šŸ˜– I was like, okay, but, at least I got the pre-harvest assessment. That should be something to be grateful for. These are the things I would write in the gratitude journal. But these are silver linings. It’s optimism, not gratitude. It’s not the same.

When I got home and had time to reflect on my day, my friendships, and my network, I truly felt grateful. I am surrounded by good people who believe in me. That is awesome. I am so. damn. lucky.

But let’s be real, it didn’t make me feel any better about my situation, my circumstances, or my problems. Those didn’t magically disappear. I’m in the midst of some life changes. There is still turbulence. This is still survival mode. But their support and encouragement just doused the fire to keep me moving forward.

Truly, it is amazing how small gestures of kindness can impact people’s lives. I’m sure my friends had no idea how an hour of their time made me feel so. much. better. about myself and my ability to continue persevering. They say that it is calm in the eye of the storm. šŸŒŖ When you are surrounded by chaos, reach out to those who keep you grounded.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Support.

Support is defined as ā€œbear all or part of the weight ofā€ and ā€œgive assistance to.ā€ Support. requires. action. So why do so many people think that simply saying, ā€œI support youā€ is supportive? šŸ˜’ Then have you ever had someone support you with actual help in a task, and then they ask, ā€œWhat more do you want from me?ā€ when you feel the supportive action wasnā€™t enough?

Here is how I picture it:

Each person is a railroad engineer. All of your forward progression adds another rail car, whether it be home responsibilities, work tasks, familial obligations, and even hobbies (because sometimes those become obligations when you are feeling overwhelmed). Some people can sustain hauling that weight for long periods of time, others need rest stops or a tow once in a while. The problem is that no one can see how long the train is except for the person who is hauling the load.

Some have better engines. Some are better engineers. Some can haul more weight. Some are carrying heavier loads in less cars. Sometimes external factors change the environment that affect the performance, and sometimes adding one more rail car can break. the. train. down.

Paul Zak says that what we do at work and at home feedback on each other, and we shouldnā€™t pretend that it doesnā€™t. Using our railroad analogy, we cannot unhinge a work car from in between a family car and a health car while sitting on a single track.

If our natural inclination is to serve others before self, then why is offering support something that does not seem to come naturally? Sometimes offering support doesnā€™t even come in the form of work. Sometimes, itā€™s just being empathetic and compassionate, making that person feel seen and heard. Support can be simple gestures of appreciation. Support looks different to different people, but it all requires action.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Pause.

Today, we are so caught up in media, technology, gossip, global news, economic in/stability, and essentially, way more things than I can list.  The advancement of having entertainment at our fingertips has increasingly distracted and distanced us from our need to self-reflect.  And yes, it is a need.  

When we turn our attention inward, it increases creativity and intimacy.  Focusing on our thoughts, identifying our feelings, and pondering our purpose and value activates the part of our brains that bring meaning to our lives and strengthens our identity ā€“ both of which contribute to a positive well-being.

Some people can find moments of pause throughout their day to reflect, show gratitude, pray, and/or appreciate; others have to make the time for it.Ā Ā Iā€™m both.Ā Ā I need a lot of solitude.Ā Ā I can appreciate in the small moments of the day-to-day grind, but, at least, probably once a month, I need a full day.Ā Ā 

During this day, I read, write, think, reflect, dream, andĀ feel.Ā Ā If thereā€™s a lot of shit going on like there has been lately, I need more time alone.Ā Ā I donā€™t function well when I canā€™t fully process the things that are happening around me.Ā Ā I donā€™t need toĀ understandĀ everything, but I do need the time to fully digest it and let it settle.

[Side story: My Toastmasters mentor was encouraging me to practice my speeches during my drive time. I said, “Absa-F’ing-lutley. Not.” (Except a lot more eloquently.) Really what I said was, “I can’t do that. My drive time is sacred.” And truly it is. Drive time is my day-to-day pause time.]

As you know, Iā€™m pretty fascinated by how our brains and our bodies workĀ individually and collectively.Ā Ā To continue on my current obsessionĀ of our heart, it actually acts as a great symbol ā¤ļø for our need to pause and reflect.Ā Ā 

The heart operates in two phases: systole and diastole.Ā Ā Most people think that the systole phase is where all the action lies, because itā€™s pumping blood out to all of our other vital organs.Ā Ā But itā€™s actually the diastole phase, where the heart relaxes that is the most important.Ā Ā In this phase, the coronary blood vessels fill and supply oxygen to the heart muscle itself.Ā Ā Without this pause, our heart would not receive the oxygen required to keep our heart pumping to supply blood to all of our other organs.Ā Ā Itā€™s the pause that keeps us alive.Ā Ā Ā 

Iā€™m going to repeat that for effect: Itā€™s the pause that keeps us alive.

But truly think about this for a second: The heart receives oxygen when it relaxes. (Oxygen gives us life, people!) And it’s in the relaxation phase, the pause, that we receive the vital nutrients needed. to. live. šŸ¤Æā€¼ļø

Self-care is critical to our function. As I mentioned in my post about grief, our ability to indulge in external self-care has been limited in the age of COVID. So take the time to pause! It costs nothing, yet can have profound impacts.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Appreciation.

Life has been an uphill climb lately. Ā And yeah, Iā€™ve been complaining.Ā Ā Itā€™s natural, right? šŸ˜¬Ā But I also recognize that you donā€™t reach a peak of the mountain without first walking through the valley.Ā Ā 

For the past 4 months, it has literally been one thing after another, and itā€™s taken me on an emotional roller coaster.  There have been essentially 7 significant events that have each taken me down a notch (or several). 

While Iā€™ve been able to lean on people who care about me for support, there is still something missing thatā€™s left me feeling unfulfilled.  So, Iā€™ve been doing what I do: completely analyzing these situations to find the root of what has me feeling defeated and less than.

And hereā€™s that I think it comes down to: appreciation.Ā Ā We all have this innate desire to feel seen and heard.Ā Ā And while I have received ā€œthank youā€ or ā€œI appreciate youā€ comments, some haven’t feltĀ trulyĀ genuine, nor has the appreciation equated to the toll each situation has taken on me.Ā Ā The scale is still weighed more negatively.Ā 

Psychological research has shown that when people are perpetually in a situation where they are ignored, this causes real emotional pain, and that in turn will cause physical problems caused by the stress of being ignored on an ongoing basis.

(source)

If Iā€™m being honest, this is where I feel I am.  Itā€™s not that I feel Iā€™ve been completely ignored, but I donā€™t feel Iā€™ve been truly seen either.  Whatā€™s more is that a few of these situations have prompted me to re-evaluate relationships, adding to the feelings of loneliness and loss.  Not only am I enduring the stress of each situation compounded, but also the stress of not feeling seen or heard in each situation compounded.  

But I canā€™t recognize this problem without also finding a solution.

This made me think about the 5 Love Languages.  How someone expresses love is essentially the same way he or she express appreciation.  If we can apply this to romantic relationships, why wouldnā€™t the same concept apply to professional relationships too?

Turns out, the same people who wrote the 5 Love Languages also wrote a book about theĀ 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.Ā Ā And you know what?Ā Ā Theyā€™re the same!Ā Ā (Iā€™m really not that surprised by this. šŸ˜)Ā Ā Hereā€™s what appreciation in the workplace looks like:

  1. Gifts ā€“ Lunch or a bonus
  2. Acts of Service ā€“ Actions speak louder than words (actual help)
  3. Quality Time ā€“ Undivided attention (real active listening)
  4. Words of Affirmation ā€“ Expression of genuine gratitude
  5. Physical Touch ā€“ Strong handshake or pat on the back

My mentor gave me quality time and words of affirmation. She validated my feelings and encouraged me to make some moves. The friend who avoided our conversation left me feeling ignored and unappreciated. One made me feel seen and heard (in limited capacity) while the other definitely did not.

Receiving appreciation in any capacity is external and not within my control.Ā Ā I canā€™t force someone to genuinely and authentically show me they care.Ā Ā I think thatā€™s what makes it so meaningful when someone does. But it also comes back to recognizing small wins, because we don’t always receive appreciation in grand gestures.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Fuego.

You know those people who in very few words can ignite a spark šŸ’„ within you?  I met with one of those people recently.  A woman that I highly respect and appreciate.  She tells it to me like it is, laid out as fact, but with a tone that is sincere and caring, not accusatory and demeaning.  The distinction in her delivery is important.  Great leaders cater the message for the recipient to feel in a positive way.

With all this COVID shit going on, Iā€™ve been feeling a lot of different emotions.  Iā€™ve been trying to be patient with these emotions, because Iā€™m not sure if Iā€™m feeling them just because COVID has disrupted my ā€œnormalā€ life or if they are indicators that itā€™s time for a change. 

I think itā€™s both.

If you remember from this post, there are underlying themes to our emotions.  The underlying theme for happiness is making reasonable progress toward the attainment of a goal.  In the Trust Factor, Zak talks about ā€œchallenge stressā€.  The moderate stress of being challenged to reach an attainable goal releases neurochemicals, including oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.

Oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the ā€œlove hormoneā€ or ā€œcuddle hormoneā€ because it is released when socially bonding.  This is how trust is created in relationships, personally or professionally.  Adrenocorticotropin is produced in response to biological stress and intensifies your focus.

I live in a constant state of improvement.  I want to leave this world knowing that I lived my best life, and I make the conscience effort to better myself everyday in order to achieve this.  (Some days are better than others, letā€™s be real.)  In my posts about Insecurity and Emotion, I talk about celebrating small wins.  Not every day am I out slaying large goals, and I need the reminder that there are small successes.  Turns out, celebrating small wins can make all the difference in how you feel and perform.  Itā€™s called the Progress Principle.

Of all the things that can boost inner work life, the most important is making progress in meaningful work.

Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer

Personally, I thrive on being challenged.  I like work.  Bottom line.  If Iā€™m not working hard toward something, Iā€™m not as happy as when I am.  And currently, Iā€™m not feeling challenged.  What I struggle with as an employee and as an entrepreneur:

  • As an employee, my challenges are typically set forth by someone else.  Although I somewhat operate in an ā€œask for forgivenessā€ fashion, there are still limitations and boundaries that have to be respected within the workplace.
  • As an entrepreneur, it feels like Iā€™m wandering through the forest without a map or compass.  I take small strides forward because I donā€™t know how the hell to get where I want to go.

But each of these are challenges within their own right that must first be overcome.

What my mentor/friend said to light a spark beneath me was this:

Step up!  Your capability and awareness is greater than the environment that youā€™re in.

Sometimes, it takes someone else to point out what youā€™ve ā€œknownā€ all along.  Now, itā€™s time to reflect and come up with a strategic plan. What that may look like, I dunno yet. Maybe it’s an emotional renewal. Maybe it’s a side hustle breakthrough. Either way, it’s going to bring šŸ”„!

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Worth.

Normally, when I want something, I go after it to make it happen.Ā Ā The problem is that sometimes you can only go so far until other people play a part in whether or not you can achieve your desired outcome.Ā Ā I can work my ass off to get into a program, but I cannot force the board to choose me.Ā Ā I can put forth the effort in a relationship, but I cannot force the other person to reciprocate.Ā Ā 

At some point, you have to analyze whether or not the things you want are actually worthy of your desire.  Sometimes this means walking away from something that you really want.

I recently made the decision that it would be best for me to walk away from something that I want.Ā Ā Analyzing the situation, what I was receiving was not what I deserve.Ā Ā Therefore, it was not worthy of my desire.Ā Ā 

Although I know the decision I made is best for me, there is still a lot of disappointment in not being able to achieve my desired outcome.Ā Ā Itā€™s frustrating to put the effort into something where it is not recognized or appreciated.Ā Ā It hurts to not be seen by someone (and it is always someone) that you respect and admire, and maybe even love (if itā€™s a relationship).Ā Ā 

But the choice is clear.  I can either stay in this agreement being valued in limited capacity or I can walk away with dignity and faith someone else will see and appreciate my full value.  Even though Iā€™m making the choice to walk away, there are still underlying feelings of rejection.  And rejection hurts, no matter which way I try and spin this.  

We can be blinded by things that we want and ignore signs devaluing our worth.Ā Ā When I recognized signs, I made excuses and gave benefit of the doubt ā€“ which I think is fair, to some extent.Ā Ā But when I noticed repeat patterns, it was then that I knew I needed to make a decision.

The decision comes with loss.Ā Ā Loss of what I had and loss of hope for what it could have been.Ā Ā There will be aĀ grieving process, and thatā€™s okay.Ā Ā It means I took the chance on something of significance.Ā Ā It took courage to try, and it takes self-respect to walk away. These are very strong qualities that need to be identified and embraced in order to avoid a shame storm.

Itā€™s these hard decisions, these tough times, these risks taken, and these lessons learned that will inevitably increase my worth. What I contribute will be rewarding for a person that sees my full value. But more importantly, by not selling myself short, and giving myself the opportunity to be recognized and appreciated for my full value – it will. be. priceless.