by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Any Good.

Circumstances have arisen over the past several months that have caused me to re-evaluate certain relationships.  As a result, I’ve created new boundaries with people who I didn’t feel recognized my full worth.  These decisions did not come lightly, and I’m still having a hard time coping with the changes.

In only one of these circumstances was there a pretty clear cut of ties.  The others have been pretty much just my decision with no discussion about the state of the relationship.  In talking these changes out with a friend, she asked, “Why don’t you talk to them about it?”  And I responded, “It won’t do me any good.”  Then she asked, “Why do you think it won’t do you any good?”  I didn’t have an answer for her at the time, because it was something I just knew.  But I want to understand why this was something I just knew.

In Brené Brown’s podcast with Dr. Harriet Lerner, they talk about apologizing: how to apologize and why it matters.  Dr. Lerner said a few things that struck me:  

  • When you are apologizing, “focus on how you feel, not the other person’s crime sheet.” 
  • Do not ask for or demand an apology.  
  • If you need a response, then you are not ready for the conversation. (Basically, if you’re depending on the conversation to provide explanation, you’re on dangerous ground. I would argue, setting yourself up for disappointment.)

These statements kind of exactly sum up why I feel it won’t do me any good to talk things out with the people I’ve shifted my relationships.  

  1. I do not want an apology.  To me, it is clear that they are oblivious of how or how deeply they hurt me, and that is evident in their subsequent actions and behavior.  The apology (if I got one) wouldn’t be genuine.
  2. Since they are oblivious to how they’ve been treating me, pointing it out would just be calling out their crime.  In turn, they would get defensive and start slinging insults toward me.  They would feel accused rather than taking responsibility for their actions/behavior. As was said in the podcast, they would answer “blame with blame and shame with shame.”
  3. I’ve known some of these people a long time.  I know their attitudes.  I instinctively know what their responses would be if I brought the topic up in conversation based on past experiences.  (And I would be setting myself up for disappointment.)
  4. They’ve moved on, which shows me how little care they had invested in the first place. (In the situation and/or the relationship.)

With the people who I instinctively know how they’d respond, I’m actually having an easier time coming to terms with the new state of those relationships, over the one where ties were cut.  It goes to show me that if I instinctively knew that talking something difficult out with them wasn’t going to do anyone any good, then this behavior has been going on long enough for me to. be. intuitive. about it – which only gives me more confidence in my decision to shift the status of the relationships.

One might argue that I am also avoiding having tough conversations with people I supposedly care about. And that’s partly true. But I know my audience. When we know a road leads to a dead end, we don’t drive down it just to double check. In the relationship where ties were cut, I turned back when I saw the sign (literally and figuratively).

While each relationship shift has come with a sense of loss, there’s also a sense of empowerment behind the shift.

I’m garnering my strength and taking charge of how I want to be treated. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. Will they even notice I’ve become more distant? If so, will they care enough to question why? If not, at least, I will know where I stand. And that will likely be a hard truth to face.

With each of these relationships, I’m trying to accept ambiguity in closure. Relationships are matters of the heart. Although many of these relationships are still in tact, it’s the loss of the previous state of the relationship that I am grieving.

Defining these boundaries is a step toward living an impeccable life. I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone and braving the wilderness on my own. And it’s pretty F’ing scary. We. need. our. tribes.

But every hunter/gatherer leaves the tribe to find food and fiber. Right now, I am simply on the hunt for more fulfilling relationships. I’m hypersensitive to my surroundings (how I am being treated). And that’s okay. This is where we learn, we grow, and we test our skills. The better hunter I am, the better game I will capture. (Understanding how I want to be treated and establishing those boundaries upfront in a new relationship will bring a better quality of relationship.)

So, while I might think that it won’t do me any good to discuss the state of these relationships with others who are involved, that’s true in the sense of those particular relationships. But good will come in new relationships that get built, whether that’s on an existing foundation or an entirely new one.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Closure.

Making sense of something we have lost is the acceptance stage of grief.  Seeking closure can stem from any form of loss, not just the loss of a relationship.  An explanation or answer as to why we lost something can provide us with the opportunity to learn something about ourselves or the other person or situation (whatever it may be).

Closure exists on a scale; different personalities may be more prone to seek closure than others.  Not receiving closure for people who need it can lead to psychological distress.  

One study found that people who prefer order and predictability – having a more rigid way of thinking and a low tolerance for ambiguity – struggle when they are unable to find the answers to help them move on. In contrast, people who are more open minded, creative and comfortable with ambiguity are better able to cope with not achieving closure.

(source)

I’m not one way or the other. My personal need for closure is definitely on a scale. While I can logically come to terms with something, it might take me a little longer emotionally.

Remember when I wanted to have a courageous conversation with someone who avoided the conversation altogether? This was a situation where I had to accept ambiguity in closure. I knew that seeking out further closure would not make me feel better. I knew that it had the potential to actually make me feel worse, so I had to accept it for what it was.

Most people need closure most when termination of the event is significant, holding particular value or meaning. And that’s true. This person was important to me. While my head knows his reaction to the situation will have me better off in the long run, my heart is still hurting from the loss of our friendship. I learned something about myself and the other person in this situation, but that hasn’t made accepting it any easier or allowed me to move on from it any quicker.

In terms of COVID, life before pandemic was pretty damn great. And while it didn’t change dramatically, it changed enough. What makes COVID so tough is we are still in the midst of it. We don’t know if there’s going to be another wave in the fall or spring. We don’t know when our economy is going to re-open at full capacity. We don’t know what changes the election will bring. There is so. much. uncertainty. It’s hard to accept what it is, as it is, when it is constantly changing.

I think finding closure is a lot like handling disappointment. When you operate with ethos and logos, closure is a little more tangible. When you you operate with ethos and pathos, closure is a little more ambiguous. But when you’ve lost something of significance, it’s likely that you’ve put your head and your heart on the line. The more you have invested, the more emotional ramifications there will be, and the road to closure may take a little longer than anticipated.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Grief.

Suffering is part of human existence.  This is fact.  Every person in the world has lost something of significance and gone into a process of grieving.  Grief takes on different forms for different people.  Some numb pain; some deny through avoidance, and some lean into the pain.  Loss is unavoidable. 

Grief comes after loss, and psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross believed that there are 5 stages of grief.  They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There has been criticisms of this grief theory among social scientists.  I don’t love it or hate it.  I do think grief is a process, but I don’t necessarily think there is a structure (that we grieve in this consecutive order).  Grief affects us all differently, and we all manage it differently.  It is an incredibly powerful emotion that has physical, social, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual affects.  

David Kessler said, we lost the world as we know it because of COVID.  I don’t think it’s extreme to consider we as a collective society and we as individuals are experiencing grief due to the loss of our pre-COVID lives.

On a frustrating day, I live in COVID denial.  On a bad day, I live in COVID depression.  On a hopeful day, I live in COVID bargaining.  On a melancholy day, I live in COVID acceptance.  On a sad day, I live in COVID anger. 

Notice how I didn’t say “on a good day”?  Yeah, that was on purpose. 😔  It’s hard to see the good in grief.  COVID has fundamentally changed our society and that is having profound effects on our well-being.  We are culturally going through transformational change.  It has been abrupt, dramatic, problematic, and traumatic.  

While time may heal all wounds, scars are left behind – reminders of what we loss and subsequent negative emotions when we pay attention to those reminders.  But with COVID, at least for me, I guess I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.  A return to pre-COVID “normal” seems so far away.  We are six months into this global pandemic, and my wounds are still healing.   

I’m fortunate to understand what’s going on (for the most part).  I know myself well enough to know when I need special or extra care.  As someone who suffered from depression in the past, I know that I am in a vulnerable state.  I’ve had to make conscious and concerted efforts to give my mind, body, and soul the care it needs to sustain this discomfort for the foreseeable future.  

I feel like what makes the recovery part of COVID grief so difficult is that we do not have the outlets or ability to lean into the connections we desperately need to get us through these difficult times – at least in California. 😒 And what we are able to do, we must do with half our face covered – preventing us from receiving non-verbal cues from those with whom we communicate.

Like so many things we encounter in our lives, we often have a hard time accepting things for what they are when those things are beyond our control. While I logically understand this global pandemic, my emotional side is having a hard time coming to terms with it.

While I may not agree with the consecutive order in which we grieve, I do believe that acceptance is the last stage. Some days I accept COVID for what it is (on that particular day), but I have not accepted it for what it has done (personally and economically). I have not accepted the mental and behavioral health ramifications that are stemming from it (individually and collectively), nor have I accepted with the ability to move on.

Like scars from wounds that have healed, acceptance does not mean that all of our negative feelings magically disappear. Reminders still exist. When we push too hard, stitches can come undone. Infections can arise. We are. still. in. the healing process. Acceptance does not come within a specific timeframe. And even when the wounds have healed, sometimes it truly does become living in a “new normal.”

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Loneliness – Part 2

It’s been 4 months since I wrote this post on loneliness, and 6 months since this pandemic dramatically altered our lives.  I think most of us would agree, we did not expect it to be so impactful and last. this. long.  

If you’ve been following along here for a while, you may have noticed that I love learning about how our emotions develop through chemical reactions in our brains.  Here are a few things I’ve learned in my reading of Together by Dr. Vivek Murthy:

  • Our brain has two networks: one for social processing and one for non-social processing.
    • When we are done performing a task (non-social processing), our brain immediately switches back to social thinking.  So even when we’re just kicking back and relaxing, our brain is preparing for social interactions.  
  • The prefrontal cortex is a selfish portion of our brain, active when we are “self-processing.”  However, this part of the brain is also active when we turn our attention to others. Meaning: we define ourselves as we interact with others.  

We are literally wired to socially connect.  Relationships are as functional to our being as food and water.  Just like when we go without those needs, there are physical and behavioral ramifications when we go without social connection:

  • When our ancestors were hunter-gatherers and one became isolated from their tribe, hypervigilance would set in. Hypervigilance is a state of increased alertness that puts a lot of stress on the body and is not sustainable for long periods of time.  Over time, hypervigilance became embedded in our nervous systems to produce anxiety that we associate with loneliness.  The stress on a body due to loneliness over long periods of time can lead to heart disease and other chronic illnesses.
  • Emotional and physical pain are processed by the brain in similar ways.  “The sensory fibers that register emotional and physical pain overlap in the brain.”     

What is even. more. fascinating is that quality of connection matters.

If you remember, there are 3 dimensions of loneliness based on the types of relationships we have:

  1. Intimate – emotional connection
  2. Relational – social connections
  3. Collective – community connections

We need all 3 to positively affect our well-being.  You can’t have more of one and expect it to balance out the others.  

What concerns me about this pandemic is that really, none of us are getting the collective engagement that we need, and only some of us are getting the relational connections we need.  If we are getting relational connections, it’s probably inadequate since so many activities that we would typically engage in with these friends have been extremely limited too.  Most of us are only fulfilling our intimate connections.  Some of us aren’t even getting that either. (Hi. 👋🏼 Yeah.  I’m single. 🙄)

In order for us to develop strong connections with our caregivers, as babies, we perform perceptual narrowing. Perceptual narrowing is when babies start to favor faces of their family’s race and ethnicity.  They do this to hone their focus on their caregivers’ subtle cues and nuances to build a strong a relationship, secure attachment, and to bond, love, and build trust.

The intricacies of our natural, chemical make-up and the profound human connections that result from them are unmatchable by even the most sophisticated artificial intelligence. Technology cannot replace face-to-face communication.  Phone calls, text messages, and Zoom meetings are not fulfilling our need to connect.

Add in the mask mandate, and it gets worse, in my opinion.  You’re not receiving all the subtle non-verbal cues in a face-to-face conversation when half your face is covered.  

When we feel socially disconnected, we often feel unknown.

Dr. Vivek Murthy

While self-care is critical during this pandemic, it starts with self-awareness. Pay attention to your mind, body, and soul. Indulge when you need to indulge and make no apologies. Remember you are at the base of your leadership pyramid. A building can collapse from a weak foundation. We have to be strong for ourselves and for others.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Selfless Leadership.

Leadership is hard, you guys. 😔 I can’t attribute all of my life changes to leadership specifically, but it has played a very large role in shaping my perspective and how I interact/think of others.  Not only have I become a more assertive communicator, but I have heightened self-awareness, higher emotional intelligence, and a much bigger “big picture” approach when analyzing most situations.

It feels like I am constantly making (big and small) sacrifices for the benefit of others, often with little to no reward.  But then, I got to thinking about Jesus.  And living impeccably.  

My assumption was that living impeccably makes life easier; that there would be more happiness.  But that’s not really the case.  Life has definitely gotten harder in many ways.  Although there does seem to be a greater sense of well-being, the complexity of emotions that come with selfless leadership has made me feel (on average) just merely content.  I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel bad either.  I feel just okay.

If living impeccably means to live without sin, and sin is defined as “anything that you do which goes against yourself”, how do I be a selfless leader?  Selfless leadership seems to be nearly constant self-sacrifice.  It seems that living impeccably is the exact opposite of selfless leadership. 

But it’s not.

Naturally, we are very selfless.  It is the influence of others that creates selfishness.  I have loved my Toyota Tacoma for 10 years.  But when my friend got a brand-new Jeep Wrangler, it kind of made me want to trade in the Tacoma.  I was content with what I had, until someone else showed me what I did not have. 

If it is our natural tendency to help others, then not putting others before myself would actually be the sin.  Therefore, living impeccably is. selfless. leadership. 🤯  

As I considered this, I was like, “Shit.  That kind of sucks though.”  Now, I get to go through life building up others while I go without my own desires?  That’s unfair.  At what point do I get rewarded for this selfless behavior? I cannot live miserably to build up others to live impeccably. Does no good deed really go unpunished?

Then I realized that perhaps our reward doesn’t come here on earth.  I think part of me has been seeking reward through the instant gratification we have culturally (and generationally) become accustomed to.  But if I look at this through the much bigger “big picture”, it completely makes sense that the reward is within something bigger than ourselves.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, whether neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.

Mathew 6:19

Contentment is satisfaction.  And so is selfless leadership.  It may bring me a tinge of pain to go without my wants or needs, but knowing I have helped someone else achieve their goals comes with a great deal of pride in their efforts.  It’s a balance of positive and negative. ⚖️ But really, the positive outweighs the negative, because there is additional satisfaction in knowing I did the right thing.  My heart was in the right place, and that is my treasure.  

I’m not seeking reward in monetary or possessional gains.  I don’t even know what kind of reward I had been seeking.  But if “Godliness with contentment is great gain” (1 Timothy 6:6), then I’ve already claimed my reward.  

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Self-Betrayal.

I think most of us would agree that we are not in the practice of self-betrayal.  We don’t intentionally do things or make decisions that would purposefully bring us harm.  Except we do make decisions that unintentionally do bring us harm.

When we are presented with a choice, we have the option of honoring our morals, values, beliefs, desires, etc. or betraying them.  When you make the “right” decision, there are usually positive side effects.  When you make the “wrong” decision, it can lead to all sorts of negative effects.

I was recently presented with a choice.  A very big decision had to be made and there were a lot of moving parts.  I chose to move forward, because I didn’t want to be excluded and let other people down.  While there were definitely benefits to being involved, deep down, from the very beginning, I knew this was not what I wanted.  

Guilt is a feeling generated by personal accountability for making a poor decision.  Shame is a feeling of not enough, that we are flawed and unworthy.  Not only did I feel guilty for choosing to move forward, but I also spiraled through a shame storm.  There were constant reminders that this was not what I wanted, and the toll of each of those reminders shamed me into emotional turmoil.  I was ignoring all of the red flags. 🚩

This was a very big lesson for me in learning to live impeccably.  I went against everything I knew to do, because I was too afraid to step outside the security of my circle.  But not only that, I was feeling guilted and shamed for wanting to step outside my circle!  There’s a lot more to this story, and the intentions on both sides were genuinely good.  But either choice in this decision led to hurt. This was a really shitty position to be in. Ultimately, my choices were these:

  1. Be involved – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future but not hurt the people I care about.
  2. Not participate – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future and hurt the people I care about.

After lots and lots, and lots of thinking, I chose to stay true to my commitment, even though it really wasn’t what I wanted.  The initial hurt will fade, and I will be less angry over time.  There will be discomforts along the way, but I’m choosing to believe that they will be moments to test my growth.  

I believe I made the “right” decision, because my heart was in the right place. If I was going to hurt myself either way, I might as well hurt myself and not hurt the people I care about.

Choosing to participate actually gave me more control over the situation. If I hurt the people I care about, I can’t control how they manage their emotions, and relationships could suffer. But I know I have the strength to manage my emotions. Although it hurts like hell, relationships are still in tact. While they may take on a different shape in the future, I am choosing to create those boundaries.

So often I write about the power of choice, and the ability to control what you can control.  At some point though, we are faced with a decision that isn’t good for anyone.  At the time, will you choose to be selfish or selfless?