by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Strength.

I was recently asked, “What makes you feel strong?”  The question caught me off-guard, and I did a quick analysis of my life.  I thought about my job, being a volunteer, public speaking, relationships, travel, the programs I’ve been part of, the opportunities I’ve had, and being a leader.  Without much conscious thought, I replied, “I feel strongest in my weakest moments.”

Then I got caught off-guard by my own response, and I’ve been thinking about it since.  I’m realizing how true the statement is.  

There have been times where I am curled up in a ball, crying, feeling every piece of my heart break 💔, experiencing extremely deep hurts that translate into actual pain.  In these moments of complete emotional vulnerability, there is something empowering in knowing that I. will. make. it through.  It’s absolute faith in God’s greater plan.  It is resilience in action.

It seems to me that almost everything we equate to strength in our culture today is actually the opposite of what strength is.  Strength is the power to resist force or attack. Read that slowly, intentionally, and take it in.

I don’t want this to be a political post, but there are so many examples in our political climate.  Truly peaceful protests are a sign of strength.  When it takes a turn to violence and vandalism, it is no longer a demonstration of strength.  It is a sign of weakness, because we have not resisted the urge to fight or attack.  Consider how much effort (aka strength) it takes to hold back emotion when we are angry.   I had to have a courageous conversation with my boss a couple of weeks ago, and it took everything I had to not burst into tears.

There is a big difference between leaning into our emotions and letting our emotions control us.  There is a right time and a right place.  There are healthy and unhealthy ways to manage our feelings.  

I’m not really much of a runner anymore, but a couple of months ago, I was going through some tough shit.  I decided to go pound pavement; I needed my body to feel the pain my heart was feeling.  I talked it out and I cried it out, but I still wasn’t feeling any better.  So I ran it out.  And man, did it help. 🏃🏻‍♀️  

I ran hard, and fast, and for a surprisingly long time!  When I stopped, I thought my lungs were going to collapse.  I let out all of my pain in that run.  Kind of like Phoebe…only angrily…🤪

Not only did the run make me feel emotionally strong, but it made me feel physically strong. I’m not saying running is the solution for everyone. Now, I will literally only run if I’m experiencing that kind of hurt. (Running is not fun. 😂)

In leadership, you must lead yourself, before you lead others, before you lead organizations. This is why self-awareness is so important. When we become more attuned to our own emotions, we naturally (and unconsciously) gain the ability to recognize signals in others increasing our empathetic ability to hopefully respond with kindness and compassion. Leadership requires a strong foundation, and it all begins with you.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Listen.

People just straight up do. not. pay. attention.  Maybe it’s because I’m true to my word and not super forgetful that people fail to recognize that I rarely need reminding, and I say pretty much exactly what I mean.

Examples:

  • A lady emailed me about a couple of things.  I told her I would have the planting schedule to her by the end of the week, but continued to communicate with her on traceability.  By the end of our few exchanges, she said “I still need the ranches and blocks on these plantings.”  Uh, yeah, I know.  It was Wednesday.  I told her I’d have them to her by the end of the week.  I still had 2 days – intentionally giving myself this time frame to confirm some things.
  • A guy emailed me about our soon-to-be expired audits.  “Lacy, these audits are about to expire, do you have new ones?”  Nothing irritates me more than people telling me my audits are about to expire.  Like I don’t already know that. 😒 Fail, #1.  Then I say, “Yes, they were audited last week.  I have it on my calendar to send you updated audits next month when I receive them.”  3 weeks go by and I get another email.  “Lacy, do you have updated audits?”  NO!  I said a month!  3 weeks is not a month.  Also, “I have it on my calendar” means I don’t need you emailing to remind me. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Fail #2, and Fail #3.

And these are email exchanges, written clearly!  They’re just not paying attention to what I’m saying.  They can go back and reference them if they didn’t understand or if they forgot.  But no.  It’s easier to inconvenience me.  Again.

Like, I get it.  So. much. of my job is following up with people.  I spend probably ¼ of my time just reviewing shit and then calling people out when they did it wrong or untimely.  And this is typically after I’ve already laid out clear expectations!  But…

You have to give people some leeway to see how closely you have to follow.  Unfortunately, I just have a lot of people I have to follow closely.  But I don’t need that same kind of care, and it’s so frustrating to me when people don’t recognize that – in anyone.  Pay attention and learn where people are credible.  Give them autonomy in areas where they are reliable.  

Greek philosopher Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

Studies have proven this to be almost true.  We spend 70-80% of our waking hours in some form of communication. 45% of that time is spent listening. (9% writing, 16% reading, and 30% speaking.)  But most of us are actually poor, ineffective listeners.

We have the mental capacity to understand 400 words per minute, but most people speak at a rate of about 125 words per minute.  Since we’re only using 25% of our mental capability when listening to someone speak, we have 75% of our minds to do something else with.  Basically, we get bored listening to people speak and our minds wander.

Active listening is a learned skill that takes conscious effort – proven by the fact that we only remember between 25 and 50% of what we hear.  You can find tips on how to be a better listener with a quick Google search.  And yeah, I think the tips are helpful.  But I also think it comes back to people just being human.  

People want to feel heard.  I think it really can be as simple as “treat others the way you want to be treated”.  How many of us appreciate when someone checks their phone when we’re talking?  Or when you can visibly see the person has checked out of the communication?  Be present in the conversation.  Don’t skim the email, read it. 

Many people consider multi-tasking a benefit, but science has proven we cannot focus on more than one task at a time.  When we quickly move from one task to another, we do not give one task much of our attention.  We’re actually more efficient when focusing on one thing at a time.  Apply that to listening in communication, and your active listening 👂🏼 skills could probably dramatically improve. 

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Fine Lines.

I find it ironic that it’s sometimes the people who are against talking about feelings or self-reflecting that are the most emotional.  In business, it can be challenging for subordinates or colleagues to approach these people with constructive feedback.  It’s waiting until that person is in the right mood, reading the situation, treading lightly, and being deliberate with the words you say.  While this typically applies in any situation, some (people and situations) are more sensitive than others. 

When developing new relationships, personally or professionally, the same approach applies.  We walk fine lines.  It’s not until a level of trust builds that we can be more direct.  We often don’t really care so much about hurting a family member’s feelings.  We will “tell them like it is” because sometimes “the truth hurts” and “it has to be said.”

Everyone has a different communication style, and there are 4 specific ones that most people refer to (information is readily available with a Google search):

  1. Passive – Indifferent, yielding to others; fail to express feelings or needs, allowing others to express themselves, lack of eye contact.
    • “It doesn’t matter.”
  2. Aggressive – Emphasized by speaking in a loud and demanding voice, intense eye contact; issue demands and rudely ask questions; fails to listen to others.
    • “I’m right, and you’re wrong.”
  3. Passive-Aggressive – Passive on the surface but may fill powerless or stuck within, building up resentment; do not confront a person or issue; difficulty acknowledging their anger; may give silent treatment or talk about someone behind their back.
    • “That’s fine, but don’t be surprised if someone else isn’t okay with it.”
  4. Assertive – Open communication without being overbearing; can express own needs and desire while considering others; aim for a win/win situation.
    • “Agree to disagree.”

I think we all use these different communication styles depending on the situation, but we definitely have a preferred style.  Several years ago, I probably would have been a passive communicator and preferred to be communicated with in any style but aggressive.  Today, I’m much more of an assertive communicator and prefer to be communicated with in an assertive style.  I like expectations to be laid out upfront.  I want to understand the purpose of the conversation, and the intent of the person speaking.  

I was reading a book awhile back that talked about romance, specifically, how courtship has shifted.  Today, when we court someone, communication is usually via text and asking someone on a date is more “Wanna hang out?” Well, “Wanna hang out?” can mean any sorts of things to many different people.  It’s a very passive invitation.  

Courtship used to mean calling a landline, maybe even leaving a message 😱, and asking someone out on a date, specifically for the purpose of dating.  You walk a fine line when getting to know someone as it is.  You want to be forthcoming but not too forward.  You want to be inquisitive but not intrusive.  You want to be supportive but not clingy.  There are so many uncertainties during this phase of courtship.  We make it more complicated by passively putting ourselves out there verses assertively putting ourselves out there.  We’ve stopped actually putting our heart on that fine line we’re walking.

We are constantly walking a fine line, both in our personal and our professional lives.  Because either way, you are developing a relationship.  As I said, some people and some situations are more sensitive than others.  Whether a person is emotional or not, how we approach a situation and the words we choose can dramatically affect the message and the impact of a conversation.  It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.

The medium is the message.

Marshall McLuhan

Perhaps, this is why I’m so judgmental when a guy texts me before calling. A passive “We should hang out.” text message is far less impressive than an assertive in-person “Would you like to go on a date?” Expectation is clear, and intent is clear.

I feel like you have a better chance of not being rejected in-person, because you have all the non-verbal cues to know whether that person is interested or not. But I understand the vulnerability that comes with taking that chance in-person. It’s my head and my heart coming from two different places. But the only way to not set myself up for disappointment is to lay them both on the line.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Truth.

The truth can hurt.  That is fact.  But wouldn’t you rather know the truth than believe a lie or lie by omission?  I would.  Not knowing and feelings of uncertainty can linger for as long as something is being avoided.  I don’t want to live in discomfort indefinitely.  I would rather quick pain of the truth, so I can feel it, and move on from it.  Rip the Band-Aid off. 🩹 Quick and painful is better than slow and painful.  Yeah?

I do believe “the truth will set you free,” but I also believe some people “can’t handle the truth.”  This is true of myself too.  We cannot control our emotional reaction, but we can manage that emotion.  And some of us manage our emotions better than others.

I recently got news that I didn’t want to hear.  But it told me where I stood, and I appreciated that.  While I’m still hurting a bit from this truth, there are no hard feelings.  I’m not angry at this person for expressing his opinion.  In reflection, I agree with him, though it wasn’t a truth I was ready to face. 

I also had to give someone else some news he didn’t want to hear.  He was definitely disappointed. But instead of acknowledging that I have permission to feel what I feel and form opinions/make decisions accordingly, he got angry with me.  This was obviously a truth he wasn’t ready to face.

I think there are several factors that contributed to the different reactions in each situation: maturity, emotional intelligence, importance of relationship, and credibility, to name a few.  But at the end of the day, we have to do what is best for ourselves.  We must speak our truth.  How someone else handles it is on them.  

Although the news I received was news I didn’t to hear, how can I be angry with someone for speaking his truth?  I can’t. He has his own path to follow leading to an impeccable life.  And yeah, it hurt for a while, but the courage he had to speak his truth actually turned out better for me too.  And for the guy who didn’t like my truth and got angry with me? Well, it’s really no longer my problem. 😬 

We can take this truth concept back to ethos, pathos, and logos too. Truth in logic makes sense.  There is tangible evidence to substantiate opinion.  But truth in emotion eludes us.  We only have trust to substantiate opinion.  There’s nothing tangible for us to grasp. Which, I think is why we must have faith that it all works out in accordance to a greater plan. ✝️

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Disappointment.

The underlying theme for disappointment is unmet expectations.  How true is that when you really think about it?  When I’m disappointed in myself, I am usually left questioning, “What did I do wrong?  How could I have done better?”  When I’m disappointed in someone else, I’m usually left wondering, “If he would only…” 🙄

It’s harder for me to be disappointed in other people than it is to be disappointed in myself.  At least when I haven’t met my own expectations, I can reflect to see if I laid my head and my heart on the line (logic and emotion).  If I didn’t, I know to do better and can take steps toward improvement.  

Other people, well…it seems a lot of other people are comfortable with complacency.

Did you ever learn about rhetoric appeals?

Rhetoric appeals are tools described by Aristotle used to persuade.  If you’re trying to convince someone of something, do you tug at their heart strings (emotions aka “pathos”) or do you need to present facts and data (logic aka “logos”)? And how do you establish your credibility (aka “ethos”) to make this person believe you?

Personally, I don’t think successful persuasive arguments focus on one or the other, I think it’s a combination of all three.  The argument should be fluid, laying in more heavily to one or the other depending on the reactions you receive.

I also believe that ethos, pathos, and logos can be applied to nearly anything in life, not just persuasive arguments. To help explain what I mean, I created a structure of appeals*:

Our ethics are our guiding principles. Like a company’s mission statement, these things rarely change. Even the most analytical person has a heart, and even the most emotional person appreciates facts. Utilizing all three drives results.

  • Ethos is my goal – It’s an expectation I’ve set for myself driven by personal beliefs.
  • Pathos is my intuition – It’s my passion, my energy, and my attitude.
  • Logos is my work – It’s the actions that go into reaching my goal.

If I don’t put my head and my heart into reaching my goal, I have a greater chance of being disappointed. When I lay both on the line, I know that I’ve done all that I can do.

I think most people focus on logic or emotion. (Or they’re complacent and don’t really give a shit about any of it. 🤷🏻‍♀️) We default to our strengths; that’s human nature. But if I want to be successful in any area of life, I’m gonna try my best not to half-ass it by focusing on one or the other.

I have a friend who is very driven by his morals and logic-focused. He says he wants to be the best he can be. But he neglects the importance of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. He dismisses emotions as touchy/feely nonsense; he equates emotions to weakness.

But if you remember Brené Brown’s earliest definition of courage…

To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.

We would never dismiss facts, so why do we so easily dismiss emotions as important? Emotions are non-verbal cues (facts) from our heart! If my friend truly wants to be the best he can be, he needs to change the narrative. Based on this definition, being vulnerable with our emotions is lit.er.a.lly. the. most. courageous thing we can do!

When you have to do something you don’t want to do, it sucks, right? You don’t give it your best effort. It becomes something you tolerate. You’re guided by ethos, using logos, and results are likely mediocre.

But when you do something you want to do, it’s a completely different ballgame. You give it your best effort. You’re enthusiastic about it. You’re guided by ethos, using logos and pathos, and results are likely stellar.

I hate being disappointed by others, so the last thing I want to do is disappointment someone else. This is why I like expectations to be laid out upfront: to minimize confusion or miscommunication. I can control how much head and heart I put into whatever I do, but I can’t control how much head and heart someone else puts into whatever they do. Laying out clear expectations at least sets that person up for success. What they choose to do with it then becomes up to them.

*I can’t take full credit for this, because I feel like it’s an adaptation of things that I’ve learned. But having learned those things over time, I can’t pinpoint the specific influence.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Transformation.

Do you ever go through periods of life where you feel God working within you? What this looks like may be different for each of us, but for me, I feel uneasy, restless, and emotional, yet hopeful, motivated, and inspired. I recognize these feelings when they appear and know that I am going through a transformational change.

In most change models, we create a picture of what we think the solution should be, then work hard to make reality fit that picture. We try to dominate the situation. I have a friend who is super Type A, logical, and analytical. This would be his approach to change. You create a game plan, and you stick to the game plan.

Transformational change activates the power of vision and humility to face the mysteries of life. We control what we can control, and roll with the punches that we cannot. This is my approach to change. You cultivate discipline of good planning, and adapt to the situation as it is in each moment.

I always say that you need to find comfort in the uncomfortable, but that does not mean that it is comfortable. Susan David says that tough emotions are part of our contract for a meaningful life. Discomfort is movement and growth.

In talking about her sobriety journey, Glennon Doyle says she hasn’t felt fine in 17 years. I’m not an alcoholic, nor have I been, but I so related to this comment. I am a deep feeler. As someone who is constantly seeking personal and professional growth, I am always in a state of discomfort.

The societal expectation is that we don’t talk about our feelings. Feelings are for sissies. I actually find that notion hilarious, because it is the opposite that is true. Remember when I wrote about the definition of courage and talking about our feelings? It is much easier for me to write about my feelings, but to say them out loud? Oy vey. 🤦🏻‍♀️

It is hard to live in a constant state of discomfort. Sometimes, it is so. incredibly. difficult. But feelings are meant to be felt, that’s why we have them! They exist to prompt you into moving! It may seem easier to avoid our feelings, but avoiding our feelings is what drives a lot of people to alcoholism or drugs. They don’t want to feel. I’m sure most of us would agree that it’s probably better to feel what we feel than be driven to addiction. No? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like the only thing that would be worse than feeling feelings would be not feeling them at all. Could you imagine? You have to have the good and the bad. It’s not a one or the other.

When I lost my dog, my heart didn’t just break; it shattered. 💔 It was in pieces, and I had physical reactions to the pain. It was a deeper hurt than I had experienced in a very, very long time. But even through my grief, I was accepting of the pain, the hurt, and the trauma. All those deeply negative emotions gave profound meaning to her existence and her purpose in my life.

Although I am in a constant state of improvement, transformational change is different. It comes from deep within. It’s like an accumulation of weeks, months or years worth of discomfort in growth coming to a head. Although it’s rough to navigate through, I know good things are on the horizon. And that is so. damn. exciting.

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