by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Worth.

Normally, when I want something, I go after it to make it happen.  The problem is that sometimes you can only go so far until other people play a part in whether or not you can achieve your desired outcome.  I can work my ass off to get into a program, but I cannot force the board to choose me.  I can put forth the effort in a relationship, but I cannot force the other person to reciprocate.  

At some point, you have to analyze whether or not the things you want are actually worthy of your desire.  Sometimes this means walking away from something that you really want.

I recently made the decision that it would be best for me to walk away from something that I want.  Analyzing the situation, what I was receiving was not what I deserve.  Therefore, it was not worthy of my desire.  

Although I know the decision I made is best for me, there is still a lot of disappointment in not being able to achieve my desired outcome.  It’s frustrating to put the effort into something where it is not recognized or appreciated.  It hurts to not be seen by someone (and it is always someone) that you respect and admire, and maybe even love (if it’s a relationship).  

But the choice is clear.  I can either stay in this agreement being valued in limited capacity or I can walk away with dignity and faith someone else will see and appreciate my full value.  Even though I’m making the choice to walk away, there are still underlying feelings of rejection.  And rejection hurts, no matter which way I try and spin this.  

We can be blinded by things that we want and ignore signs devaluing our worth.  When I recognized signs, I made excuses and gave benefit of the doubt – which I think is fair, to some extent.  But when I noticed repeat patterns, it was then that I knew I needed to make a decision.

The decision comes with loss.  Loss of what I had and loss of hope for what it could have been.  There will be a grieving process, and that’s okay.  It means I took the chance on something of significance.  It took courage to try, and it takes self-respect to walk away. These are very strong qualities that need to be identified and embraced in order to avoid a shame storm.

It’s these hard decisions, these tough times, these risks taken, and these lessons learned that will inevitably increase my worth. What I contribute will be rewarding for a person that sees my full value. But more importantly, by not selling myself short, and giving myself the opportunity to be recognized and appreciated for my full value – it will. be. priceless.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Insecurity.

I had a conversation with a friend who said he has no insecurities.  Now, given this specific person, I get why he would think that.  He is not short on self-confidence, that is for sure. 💁🏻‍♂️ But insecurity can rear it’s ugly head in a lot of different forms.  He is confident in his abilities.  But insecurity can be driven by a lot of outside factors too. When he was unsure of the stock market, he pulled out.  If he was not confident that the market was going to perform well and reacted to the instability out of fear of losing money, is that not insecure? 

Insecure is defined as: deficient in assurance, not confident, not stable or well-adjusted.  Basically, we can be insecure about anything that we are not sure of.  If there is doubt, there is insecurity.

In any event…

It is suggested that recent life events make up 40% of our “happiness quotient.” 40%! 😳

“The biggest negative contributor to happiness is the ending of a relationship, followed by the death of a spouse, job loss, and negative health events.”

Dr. Melanie Greenberg

All of those examples constitute loss: loss of a relationship, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of health.  If we look at this through the lens of COVID, we’ve lost a lot.  So if you’re feeling a little insecure during this pandemic, you are not alone!  There are so. many. things. to be unsure of during this time.

Back in February, I went to the Touchstone Central Coast Leading with Love conference where the woman behind Happier, Nataly Kogan, spoke with us.  I recently saw this on her Instagram, and I think it is a helpful reminder that there is reason for our heightened insecurity during this time.

Insecurity can also be driven by perfectionism. What Nataly outlines is the fear of not enough. And while we may not consider ourselves perfectionists, if we’ve ever fallen into the trap of not enough, it may be time to reality check our expectations and what we are measuring them up to. Even if we are measuring our expectations up to our pre-pandemic conditions, reality. check. ✅ Pre-pandemic and “amidst a pandemic” are completely different animals.

It’s okay to feel melancholy.  It’s okay to feel lonely. It’s okay to feel insecure.  We are adjusting to a new normal, give yourself time to adjust and adapt!  It’s important to find joy in little wins all the time, but even more so now.  This is uncharted territory for us all.  Be kind to others, and be kind to yourself.  This too shall pass. 🙏🏼

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Melancholy.

Melancholy is defined as a “depression of spirits” or a “pensive mood.”  I want to focus on the former definition, because I feel like that’s exactly what we’re experiencing as humans right now.  At least, I am.

In Brené Brown’s new podcast, she talks with David Kessler on grief and finding meaning.  Kessler says that grief comes after loss.  That loss can be anything of significance to the individual.  He points out that during this pandemic, we could list a 100 different things that we have lost: our social lives, our ability to converge in public, physical touch (as simple as a handshake), and the big one: the world as we knew it.

The world as we knew it no longer exists.  That. Is. HUGE. 🤯  And he is right.  It no longer exists and will not exist as we knew it for the foreseeable future, if ever.  You guys. 😳 That is some heavy stuff to take in.

If we breakdown the definition of melancholy:

  • Depression = sadness
  • Spirit = temper, disposition, or essence

This makes so. much. sense. to me.  I’ll explain why in a minute.

But first, on COVID:

Some of us haven’t bought into the hype. Some of us think this is media manipulation and a ploy to take down Trump’s economy.  On the other hand, some of us truly believe in the dangers and efforts to prevent.  Some of us are genuinely concerned about the risk.  And there are some of us that fall somewhere in the middle. 

No matter where you stand on the COVID belief scale, all of us are making an effort to do what we feel in our hearts is right.  Whether that is going to the grocery store without a mask or putting on a hazmat suit to visit the doctor’s office, each of us is navigating through this in our own way.

Outwardly, we are putting on brave faces.  We are being strong for those around us.  We are trying to lift each other up.  No matter our beliefs on COVID, we are trying to protect each other as a community, as we individually see fit.  But inwardly, we are mourning the loss of the world as we knew it. 

The positivity that is emitting from this pandemic has surprised me.  While I think it’s amazing the way people are coming together to spread joy and appreciation, part of me is concerned that we are masking our grief and not coping with our losses.  But I’m not judging that either.  I think so many of us are merely just trying to get through this thing with some sanity.

In the meantime, we are living in purgatory.  We are trying to lift others up, because we are feeling down.  We are trying to bring happiness to others, because our spirits are sad. 

We can only put on a brave face for so long, so give yourself permission to feel what you feel.  The sooner we own it and feel it, the quicker we can work through it.  We get through purgatory by cleansing our souls of the impurities.  Indulge in self-care, friends.  Lord knows we need it, and we’ve earned it. 💖

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Emotional.

Remember when I wrote about listening to the wrong podcast episode of The Happiness Lab that prompted the post Sharing is Caring?  Well, I finally listened to the episode that was originally recommended for me to listen to.  It was called “Don’t Think of the White Bear.” 

I don’t even remember why this specific episode was recommended to me by a colleague.  I think we were talking about how emotions are contagious.  But what I took away from the episode was actually justification to my feelings in the post Let Me Be.  Turns out, the best way to get over our emotions is to fully embrace them, while we’re feeling them.  This helps us get over them more quickly and makes them less impactful on the feelings of others.

Researchers conducted an experiment between parents and their children.  Some parents were exposed to a very stressful day, while others were not.  The parents who were super stressed were told to suppress their feelings and pretend that everything was okay while playing Legos with their children.  Researchers found that the children whose parents were suppressing stressful feelings performed worse at the task and had less fun than the other children.  The stressed parents got angrier, more upset, and they were less responsive to their children.  Their bad mood deteriorated their bad mood even further while playing with their kids.

We are inclined to believe that suppressing our feelings or pretending like they don’t exist is helping us, but it’s actually doing the opposite. It takes more work to ignore our feelings. 

Roughly 1,000 – 2,000 studies have been conducted on the health of people who either write or talk about traumatic experiences.  The people who confront their feelings tend to go to the doctor at half the rate, are in better physical health, have better immune systems, and perform better on tests. The Dalai Lama recommends that keeping a calm mind is the best way to work through our feelings.  One researcher does a short meditation when she is feeling frustrated or upset.  She intensely focuses on the emotion for a short period of time, and this allows her to move on more quickly and readily. 

Personally, I cry.  If I am super angry or upset or frustrated, I cry.  Likewise, when I am super happy or proud, I cry.  Whether the emotion is good or bad, when I feel intensely, I need to get it off my chest and release the buildup of emotional pressure.  Although I may not immediately feel 100% better, there is usually guaranteed improvement.

They say that self-awareness is the #1 quality of a great leader. Leaders recognize that emotions are contagious. They understand how they feel affects their thoughts and behaviors, which then affects the feelings and thoughts and behaviors of those around them – no differently than the experiment with stressed parents and their children.

Not coincidentally, the key to improving self-awareness is to fully embrace your emotions as you are feeling them. This helps you understand how your feelings influence your thoughts and behaviors. Having high emotional intelligence not only makes you a great leader, but it will also improve your relationships.

It’s one thing to know about self-awareness and how to manage your emotions, it’s another to put it into practice. Weather it’s a brisk walk, a meditation, or a good cry, find what works for you.