by : lacylit10 Leadership

Empathy.

I have a colleague that made a big mistake.  Because of our roles and responsibilities within the company, I had to pick up the pieces of his fall-out.  And I. was. pissed. about it. šŸ˜¤ His poor judgment caused me additional stress and hours more of work.  I made damn sure he knew all that I had to do to cover his ass.  If I had to swoop in and rescue him, he was going to learn a lesson out of it.

Now, heā€™s normally pretty up-to-snuff.  After the dust settled a bit, I asked him how he was doing.  Turns out, he took his mistake pretty hard.  He felt terrible about it, guilty, and embarrassed.  Additionally, he was going through a lot in his personal life.  As we had this conversation, I started to feel like an asshole for coming down on him so hard.  

Emotions dictate our connections with one another, so why do we feel we need to hide them?  

What people do at home feeds back on professional performance and vice versa.  We shouldnā€™t pretend that it doesnā€™t.

Paul Zak, Trust Factor

The Cleveland Clinic started a program called Code Lavender. šŸ’œ When a physician or nurse is facing high-stress or burnout (due to a difficult patient or death), they wear a lavender bracelet.  The bracelet alerts their colleagues that they are emotionally fragile and to treat them with care.  This is similar to the emotion chart that Iā€™ve seen on the internet that teachers do with their students.  Based on how the child is feeling, the teacher welcomes them into the classroom with a fist bump, a high-five, a hug ā€“ or whatever.  

Wouldnā€™t it be nice to know what people are feeling and base our interactions with them knowing this information prior to engagement?  

I want us to individually be successful, so we can collectively be successful.  Had I of known the burden my colleague was carrying that led to his error in judgement, I would have approached the situation more empathetically.  Had he of expressed the burden he was carrying prior; he could have leaned on me for additional support.  That is caring.  That is a relationship.  That is teamwork.

I šŸ’Æ believe in setting expectations upfront.  I like to be well-equipped with pertinent information, so that I can bring the most value possible.  If I ask you to take water samples for me, Iā€™m going to provide you with all the information necessary to perform the task.  Why wouldnā€™t we supply someone with the emotional information necessary to build the relationship?  It doesnā€™t even matter if that relationship is personal or professional.  All professional relationships are personal to some extent.

Emotions are a valuable information flow that leaders ignore at their peril.

Paul Zak, Trust Factor

Oftentimes, mistakes get made when we are emotionally challenged.  We are distracted by what we feel that we lose focus on tasks at hand.  This is natural human behavior.  Even those who are able to separate logic from emotion are affected to some degree. Neither is for better or worse, depending on how you look at it.

Empathy is understanding how someone feels.  Compassion is relieving some of the burden.  And more often than not, relieving some of the burden is just providing an ear to listen.

Though we have work-related communication almost daily, Iā€™ve since made a more conscious effort to talk to this colleague about life in general more regularly.  Having a better understanding of who he is outside of work helps builds a better relationship inside of work.  

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Happiness.

Philosophers caution against focusing on happiness as the ultimate good in life, and I tend to agree.  Happiness is subjective; itā€™s not a constant.  I think weā€™ve put happiness on this unobtainable pedestal. Itā€™s something that we havenā€™t actually defined for ourselves as individuals, and we strive for an unrealistic, curated ideal (however it is we perceive that ideal).  Basically, we really donā€™t even know what we are searching for. 

What we talk about in our culture as happiness is really kind of a revved-up version of happiness. It’s a high-energy [state] — scientists call it a high-arousal positive affect. It’s a feeling, it’s transient, it’s not quality of life, it’s not so many things.

Dr. Laurie Helgoe, The Introvert Entrepreneur

Happiness is an emotion, and emotions are fleeting.  I think a more realistic target for measuring good in life is our overall well-being.

Research has determined 6 dimensions of well-being.  People rank either high or low (defined as high):

  1. Self-Acceptance ā€“ positive attitude toward self;
  2. Positive Relations with Others ā€“ concerned about the welfare of others; willing to compromise to sustain important ties;
  3. Autonomy ā€“ independent, evaluates self by personal standards, resists social pressures;
  4. Environmental Mastery ā€“ controls external activities and makes use of surrounding opportunities;
  5. Purpose in Life ā€“ has goals and a sense of direction, feels there is meaning to life past and present, holds beliefs and objectives;
  6. Personal Growth ā€“ continued development and expansion, open to new experiences, notices improvement in self and behavior.

Life is so. much. more. than just. being. happy.Ā Ā Failures,Ā negative emotions, disappointing outcomes ā€“ all these ā€œbadā€ things further define the purpose and meaning of our lives.Ā Ā These arenā€™t happy things, but they doĀ leadĀ to happiness.Ā Ā 

In high school, I tried out for the softball team and didnā€™t make it, which made me sad.Ā Ā But I saw it as an opportunity to work on my skills.Ā Ā I became stronger, faster, and more knowledgeable about the sport.Ā Ā I had to put forthĀ moreĀ effort using several of the dimensions listed above.Ā Ā I didnā€™t try out again the following year, because I got asked to play for an elite travel ball team. The failure actually led toĀ moreĀ positivity in my well-being.

Even when present in exemplary lives, philosophers construe happiness not as an end in itself but a byproduct of other, more noble pursuits.

(source)

Iā€™ve been facing an uphill climb the past few months.  Iā€™ve faced several losses, some more significant than others.  Nonetheless, all left me grieving or feeling defeated in some way. Even through these tough times, I recognize that God is working in my life for good reason.  I am becoming stronger and more resilient.  This is character building.  

I have by no means been feeling happy, but overall, I still maintain a positive well-being.  I recognize storms may never stop coming ā€“ but neither do the rainbows! šŸŒˆ We canā€™t judge our life solely on the storms or solely on the rainbows.  Without one, you canā€™t have the other.  

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Appreciation.

Life has been an uphill climb lately. Ā And yeah, Iā€™ve been complaining.Ā Ā Itā€™s natural, right? šŸ˜¬Ā But I also recognize that you donā€™t reach a peak of the mountain without first walking through the valley.Ā Ā 

For the past 4 months, it has literally been one thing after another, and itā€™s taken me on an emotional roller coaster.  There have been essentially 7 significant events that have each taken me down a notch (or several). 

While Iā€™ve been able to lean on people who care about me for support, there is still something missing thatā€™s left me feeling unfulfilled.  So, Iā€™ve been doing what I do: completely analyzing these situations to find the root of what has me feeling defeated and less than.

And hereā€™s that I think it comes down to: appreciation.Ā Ā We all have this innate desire to feel seen and heard.Ā Ā And while I have received ā€œthank youā€ or ā€œI appreciate youā€ comments, some haven’t feltĀ trulyĀ genuine, nor has the appreciation equated to the toll each situation has taken on me.Ā Ā The scale is still weighed more negatively.Ā 

Psychological research has shown that when people are perpetually in a situation where they are ignored, this causes real emotional pain, and that in turn will cause physical problems caused by the stress of being ignored on an ongoing basis.

(source)

If Iā€™m being honest, this is where I feel I am.  Itā€™s not that I feel Iā€™ve been completely ignored, but I donā€™t feel Iā€™ve been truly seen either.  Whatā€™s more is that a few of these situations have prompted me to re-evaluate relationships, adding to the feelings of loneliness and loss.  Not only am I enduring the stress of each situation compounded, but also the stress of not feeling seen or heard in each situation compounded.  

But I canā€™t recognize this problem without also finding a solution.

This made me think about the 5 Love Languages.  How someone expresses love is essentially the same way he or she express appreciation.  If we can apply this to romantic relationships, why wouldnā€™t the same concept apply to professional relationships too?

Turns out, the same people who wrote the 5 Love Languages also wrote a book about theĀ 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.Ā Ā And you know what?Ā Ā Theyā€™re the same!Ā Ā (Iā€™m really not that surprised by this. šŸ˜)Ā Ā Hereā€™s what appreciation in the workplace looks like:

  1. Gifts ā€“ Lunch or a bonus
  2. Acts of Service ā€“ Actions speak louder than words (actual help)
  3. Quality Time ā€“ Undivided attention (real active listening)
  4. Words of Affirmation ā€“ Expression of genuine gratitude
  5. Physical Touch ā€“ Strong handshake or pat on the back

My mentor gave me quality time and words of affirmation. She validated my feelings and encouraged me to make some moves. The friend who avoided our conversation left me feeling ignored and unappreciated. One made me feel seen and heard (in limited capacity) while the other definitely did not.

Receiving appreciation in any capacity is external and not within my control.Ā Ā I canā€™t force someone to genuinely and authentically show me they care.Ā Ā I think thatā€™s what makes it so meaningful when someone does. But it also comes back to recognizing small wins, because we don’t always receive appreciation in grand gestures.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Fuego.

You know those people who in very few words can ignite a spark šŸ’„ within you?  I met with one of those people recently.  A woman that I highly respect and appreciate.  She tells it to me like it is, laid out as fact, but with a tone that is sincere and caring, not accusatory and demeaning.  The distinction in her delivery is important.  Great leaders cater the message for the recipient to feel in a positive way.

With all this COVID shit going on, Iā€™ve been feeling a lot of different emotions.  Iā€™ve been trying to be patient with these emotions, because Iā€™m not sure if Iā€™m feeling them just because COVID has disrupted my ā€œnormalā€ life or if they are indicators that itā€™s time for a change. 

I think itā€™s both.

If you remember from this post, there are underlying themes to our emotions.  The underlying theme for happiness is making reasonable progress toward the attainment of a goal.  In the Trust Factor, Zak talks about ā€œchallenge stressā€.  The moderate stress of being challenged to reach an attainable goal releases neurochemicals, including oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.

Oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the ā€œlove hormoneā€ or ā€œcuddle hormoneā€ because it is released when socially bonding.  This is how trust is created in relationships, personally or professionally.  Adrenocorticotropin is produced in response to biological stress and intensifies your focus.

I live in a constant state of improvement.  I want to leave this world knowing that I lived my best life, and I make the conscience effort to better myself everyday in order to achieve this.  (Some days are better than others, letā€™s be real.)  In my posts about Insecurity and Emotion, I talk about celebrating small wins.  Not every day am I out slaying large goals, and I need the reminder that there are small successes.  Turns out, celebrating small wins can make all the difference in how you feel and perform.  Itā€™s called the Progress Principle.

Of all the things that can boost inner work life, the most important is making progress in meaningful work.

Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer

Personally, I thrive on being challenged.  I like work.  Bottom line.  If Iā€™m not working hard toward something, Iā€™m not as happy as when I am.  And currently, Iā€™m not feeling challenged.  What I struggle with as an employee and as an entrepreneur:

  • As an employee, my challenges are typically set forth by someone else.  Although I somewhat operate in an ā€œask for forgivenessā€ fashion, there are still limitations and boundaries that have to be respected within the workplace.
  • As an entrepreneur, it feels like Iā€™m wandering through the forest without a map or compass.  I take small strides forward because I donā€™t know how the hell to get where I want to go.

But each of these are challenges within their own right that must first be overcome.

What my mentor/friend said to light a spark beneath me was this:

Step up!  Your capability and awareness is greater than the environment that youā€™re in.

Sometimes, it takes someone else to point out what youā€™ve ā€œknownā€ all along.  Now, itā€™s time to reflect and come up with a strategic plan. What that may look like, I dunno yet. Maybe it’s an emotional renewal. Maybe it’s a side hustle breakthrough. Either way, it’s going to bring šŸ”„!

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Heart.

Have you ever really paid attention to where you feel emotions in your body?  Itā€™s quite an interesting experiment that I recommend you try.  I did it for a week, and I learned that nearly every emotion I feel somewhere in the central portion of my body.

But it wasnā€™t all that surprising when I thought about it.  When my heart breaks, I feel it in my heart.  When I get nervous, I feel it in my stomach.  When I feel joy, I feel it in my heart.  When I feel excitement, I feel it in my stomach.  I donā€™t feel emotions in my head or my legs.  

As you learned, our gut is becoming known in the science community as our ā€œsecond brainā€, so itā€™s no wonder that we feel so many emotions in our stomach region (due to the enteric nervous system).  But today, I want to focus on the heart.

Have you ever really thought about the heart as a muscular organ?  I mean, itā€™s absolutely. Fā€™ing. fascinating. šŸ¤Æ  Our hearts are essential to our bodyā€™s health and function.  But unlike the other muscles in our body, hearts only get stronger when they break from our emotions.  We have no other way to ā€œwork outā€ that muscle than to feel heartache or heartbreak.  (And because I know someone is going to comment, yes, there are other ways we can build a strong heart through eating right, exercise, etc., but thatā€™s not my point here. šŸ™„ )

Negative emotions are the muscle tears of our hearts that help it grow back stronger and more resilient. (Can someone quote me on that in the future?  ā€˜Cause damn.  That was good.)

Think about that for a minute though.  In several of my previous posts, I talk about how important it is to feel all of our emotions.  That we must feel the good and the bad.  And when we fully let ourselves feel the bad, the good is just that. much. sweeter. 

Just as walking around with sore muscles is uncomfortable, walking around with an aching or broken heart is uncomfortable too.  When we work other muscles, we give them time to rest and heal.  They get a day off.  Our heart works constantly, never pausing for rest.  Literally speaking, our heart never tires.  Emotionally speaking, our heart is overworked.  

Our heart is the. most. important. muscle in our body.  We don’t judge people for exercising other parts of their body; we praise them for giving it care. So, why do we dismiss giving our heart the emotional care it needs and judge people for when they do?

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intuition.

Did you know that there is a lot of chatter in the medical community about our gut being our second brain? So when you “go with your gut” or have a “gut feeling”, there really is something to say for that. Scientists call this second brain our enteric nervous system (ENS), and it is made up of more than 100 million nerve cells šŸ˜³ that line our gastrointestinal tract from our esophagus to our rectum.

The ENS isn’t capable of thoughts as we know them coming from our brain, but it does communicate back and forth with our brain. Researchers and doctors thought that depression and anxiety contributed to the emotional shifts experienced by people who suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and functional bowel problems such as constipation and bloating. But now, they are finding evidence that the irritation in the gastrointestinal system may actually be sending signals to our central nervous system triggering mood changes. šŸ¤Æ Isn’t that interesting? Our gut may tell us when we have a digestive problem by shifting our mood.

A lot of times our intuition is reflected in a “gut feeing.” So, is intuition our brain telling our gut to react or our gut telling our brain to react?

Intuition is a form of knowledge that appears in consciousness without obvious deliberation. It is not magical but rather a faculty in which hunches are generated by the unconscious mind rapidly sifting through past experience and cumulative knowledge.

Psychology Today

We develop our intuition based on patterns. Logical knowledge certainly plays a part, but sometimes analyzing data and information doesn’t provide us with the answers we need, so we turn to our intuition for additional guidance.

I am highly sensitive to my surroundings and my emotions. When I experience something, I pick up on subtle details that others may not pay attention to, such as: the vibe in the room, smells, sounds, behaviors, and how these things make me feel. I use multiple senses to receive information, creating a strong experience that resonates personally. I then (consciously and subconsciously) deeply process this information storing it for a later date.

By having the additional information from multiple senses and deeply processing it, I’m better equipped to follow my intuition in a future similar experience. When like-situations arise, I don’t need to mull anything over. I’ve already done the analyzing. I can quickly make a decision and move on.

Since I perceive things stronger when I associate experiences with how they make me feel, my intuition arises more in something that I just know rather than in a gut feeling. My brain doesn’t need to send the signals to the nerve cells in my ENS prompting a feeling to arise. I’ve already felt all I need to feel to come to a decision.

Let me give you an example…

Dating. šŸ™„ When someone I know recommends I date someone, and I flat out say, “No, I’m not interested.” Follow-up remarks usually go something like this, “How do you know? You never gave him a chance. You never know until you try.” The thing is though, I do know.

Either from past interactions with the potential suitor or based on information provided to me about the potential suitor, I’ve already come to a conclusion about this guy. It’s nothing against him personally. It’s just that I pick up on all these subtle details in my interactions with people and invest a lot of time and emotion into processing those details.

When I learn about or interact with a potential suitor and I either consciously or subconsciously associate his traits to past experiences with himself or other people, I don’t need to “take a chance” on dating him. I’ve already invested energy on a like-person and determined they’re not worth my time (in a romantic capacity or otherwise), so why would this guy be? But again, it is nothing against him personally. For better or worse, this is just how my brain processes information.

Of course, our intuition isn’t full proof, and I can be wrong. But intuition is more reliable in some areas than others such as forming first impressions, detecting deception, and detecting sexual orientation – all things that are very relevant and important when pursing a romantic relationship.

People have accused me of being judgmental, having high standards, and being cold-hearted when I decline the opportunity to date someone who is likely a really great guy. But if we take being judgmental (which is based on logic and reason), having high standards, and being cold-hearted and apply these qualities in business, I would be praised for my confidence and acumen.

The ability to know myself so well that I can react intuitively on personal matters is seen negatively when my ability to react intuitively in business is seen positively. It’s a shame that this is how society has shaped our perspectives. It’s no wonder we have a hard time being true to ourselves. Emotional intelligence is so undervalued. šŸ˜’

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