by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Sharing is Caring.

A colleague recently recommended I listen to an episode of a podcast called The Happiness Lab by Dr. Laurie Santos, but I accidentally listened to the wrong one. It was called “Caring What You’re Sharing.” I can’t really say it was an accident though, because the message actually helped solidify some thoughts I had swirling around. I’m inclined to believe there was a reason I listened the “wrong” episode.

Have you ever watched a movie with someone, and that person falls asleep? Or maybe when two of you go to dinner, but the other is on their phone? Think about how those circumstances make you feel. A little ignored? A little mad? A little lonely?

Turns out, sharing experiences with people really does shape our happiness.

Through a series of experiments, researchers found that sharing things with people intensifies our experiences. It makes the good things better and the bad things worse. But bad experiences are more bearable because someone is by our side. It serves as a function of bonding people together.

In one experiment, participants experienced an ordinary event with someone and an extraordinary event alone. What the researchers found is that the extraordinary event experienced alone actually made people feel less happy and a little bit isolated. They even felt a little guilty. Participants felt like they were bragging about their experience and neglected to want to share details because the other person couldn’t relate, detracting from the social bonding.

Have you ever had a friend tell you really good news where yes, you are happy for them, but at the same time feel a little sad or insecure for yourself? Or have you ever had something exciting happen for you but you downplayed the greatness, because you didn’t want to come off as arrogant or boastful?

I have. And honestly, I’m a little relieved that these are natural behaviors.

As we enter the holiday season, I think it’s a good reminder to just be aware. If you love this time of year, soak it up. Your happiness will rub off on others. And if you hate this time of year, suck it up. Your misery will rub off on others.

In leadership, we are taught to rise above our lowest self. So even if you don’t want to bond with crazy Aunt Mildred*, look for the bravery in her eccentrics. Even if you don’t want to hear about how much cousin Jim* hates his job, encourage him to see the positive. Because if you care about these people at all, your interactions and behavior will shape each of your experiences.

*Names changed to protect the innocent. 😂

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Guilt.

I recently read a quote that said you need to put others’ needs before your own. As someone trained in leadership, I know that you cannot be a successful leader without first taking care of yourself. You are at the foundation of your leadership, and if the foundation is weak, everything else will be too.

Rachel Hollis lists her priorities:

  1. Herself
  2. Her marriage
  3. Her children

Most people would look at this list and totally give her flack for putting herself and her husband before her children, but I get it and fully stand behind her. You know that saying, “When mom doesn’t feel good, no one feels good”? Everyone feels the effects of a weak leader, whether that leader is a CEO or parent or both.

I was talking to a friend the other day and told her, “I’ve been strong too long.” Everything has compounded, until I ultimately could no longer carry the weight and started to give. It’s no different than when you are sick. If you keep going, you will stay sick longer. But if you stop, rest, and give your body what it needs, you will recover more quickly.

Why is it less acceptable to treat our heart and soul in the same way? Self-care is critical to our function. Just because we can’t see something, doesn’t mean it’s not there. (I can go into a whole behavioral health tangent, but I will save that for another day.)

I had no plans this weekend. For the first time in months, I had no weekend commitment. And as we gear up for the Holidays, this was my only free weekend for another few weeks. And then…it came….a text…

“Playing for the Championships 10:30.” 😫 Instant guilt. My heart literally sank.

In my head, all I could think was no. I am not ready for this. I haven’t had enough time to recuperate. If I go, it will be out of obligation not desire. Then I will be slightly resentful, because this little thing is just one. more. thing. I haven’t even recovered from all the other things. And the healing weekend I had prepared for myself last weekend did not go as planned (which added to the things). And let’s be real, I had no outside weekend commitment, no event, no fundraiser, no family function. But there is still laundry, dishes, yard work and bills to pay, it’s not like I’m doing nothing this weekend. So feeling like a terrible person, I replied, “Not going to make it, but best of luck.”

I know my body, my, heart, and my soul. I know that I can carry a lot of weight, so when I say no, I mean no. And that should be respected. Instead, we are often made to feel guilty about choosing ones self. And in this case, I put the guilt on myself. Women, especially, I think do this all the time. Moms probably even more so. We are so focused on protecting the feelings of others that we neglect our own. But we cannot control how others feel.

We give so much of ourselves to our work, our family, our friends, and our community. Remember that post on the Work-Life Balance? Same applies with give and take. Life is giving and taking.

Lately, I’ve given so much of myself to my work and my community that today, I just did not have the energy to give my time to family too. Instead, I took that time for myself. Because I know that if I did not take this time to ease my soul, I would have been piling on more to an already weak foundation. With the holidays coming up, work and community will take a back seat to family. While I do feel bad for missing the game, opportunity to show I care will present itself soon enough.

Just like the work-life balance, let’s look at the give and take with a wider lens. Lately, work and community held more weight. In the upcoming weeks, life and family will hold more weight. So I’m not going to feel guilty for taking some time to recalibrate, because I want to appreciate the relationships, uphold the traditions, enjoy the company, and feel the love that the holidays bring. Those are the things that give our life meaning, and I don’t want to go into it with a burden of being one. more. thing.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Let Me Be.

I’ve had a rough week. And when I say week, I mean 3 months.

As I mentioned, there’s been a lot of little bad things that have piled up and a few big bad things. Don’t freak out, these things aren’t life or death bad things. But in my little world, they are a big deal. And here’s what I’m tired of people telling me:

  • “It’s not a big deal.”
  • “Don’t let it get to you.”
  • “Just let it go.”
  • “Tomorrow is another day.”
  • “Everything will be fine.”

You get the picture. Then today, I was scrolling through Instagram and came across a caption: “Happiness is a choice.”

Okay. 😒 I’ve had about enough.

Sometimes, I just need to be pissed off. Sometimes, I just need to be sad. Sometimes, I just need to hurt. The best way for me to get through my emotions is to fully feel them, own them, and work through them. Only then will I truly get over them.

I know tomorrow is another day. I know I need to let it go. I know everything will be fine. …. eventually. But sometimes, the feelings are too deep to let go so easily.

I listened to “mood booster” music every single day this week, and I still came home in tears the past two days. A person can only carry so much weight before they begin to crumble. That is life. It happens to all of us.

I was talking to a friend today, and I said, “You know what the worst part of all of this is? And I say worst part, because it’s actually the best part, and I hate that I even recognize it as the best part. It’s a learning experience. I fully recognize that through all this bad, there is good. And it frustrates me even more that I’m not blissfully unaware. That I’m actually thankful to have come out of all of this better.”

And you know what? After I said it, I actually felt better. I literally felt the past 3 months worth of crap start to slip away. And tomorrow? I’m going off-grid. I’m going to my happy place to give my heart and soul time to heal.

Everyone fights their own battles. What may be mountains to one may be mole hills to another. But mole hills can also make a foundation weak. Not all things are as they seem, and not all timelines are the same.

All of the comments from the beginning of this post are essentially polite ways of telling me to “get over it.” Some things you get over, other things you get through. The key is knowing which and reacting accordingly.

by : lacylit10 Leadership

Conflict Resolution.

There is a man that I respect who is very intelligent but typically has bad delivery. He has these great ideas and points to make, but his thoughts are scattered when he speaks and sometimes just listening to him and/or conversations with him are hard to follow. He recognizes this about himself and even pokes fun at himself for it.

I went to a meeting with him, where he vocalized his opinion and literally got laughed at. In a room full of professional adults, this lady legit lol’d during his commentary. 

After the meeting, he said to me, “I said what needed to be said. I don’t really care if they think I’m an idiot.”

That is having courage.

Because he was right. He said what everyone else was too afraid to say. And can they really judge him when he had the guts to vulnerably admit the problem? No. He took one for the team. Everyone else wanted to dance around the issue. And you know why she laughed? Because he called her out on it.

People are so afraid of conflict that they don’t realize they’re creating more of it by not directly addressing the issue head-on.

While conflict is uncomfortable, it needs to be hashed out. Like this man, I’m typically the one who wants to call people out on their bullshit, so we can find solutions. That’s the only way you will truly move forward.

But people have very emotional responses to conflict. I’m not immune to this either. Criticism, negative feedback – these are tough pills to swallow.

I recently approached someone with a problem I was having. He needed to be made aware of a situation, and I was dreading this conversation. I psyched myself out about it before I approached him. I had a lump in my throat. Pretty sure my hands were shaking. I knew exactly how the conversation was going to go down, and it went down worse than I anticipated. I presented him with facts. I had examples. But he got defensive, made excuses, and then completely shut down.

Now, I work in a masculine industry. Feelings don’t belong in farming, right?

WRONG!

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Our feelings drive our behavior, our attitude, and our actions. Do you think he responded the way he did, because he was unfazed by the information? No. I struck a nerve.

And how did I respond to the situation? I. Was. Pissed. This was not an easy conversation for me to start, and he completely dismissed what I had to say. And for as much as I’d like to be completely passive-aggressive in our future encounters, my leadership training has taught me to rise above. (Also, I’m slightly resenting all that training in this instance.)

Conflict is necessary for good communication and in good relationships. We can’t just constantly talk about all that’s great in the world. Look how that’s gone down in social media. People only post the best part of their lives, and we are left feeling inadequate. We become disengaged, self-conscious, and unworthy. Do you want to feel that way in your personal and professional lives too?

There’s a great quote that I’ll paraphrase, because I don’t know who said it, but it goes something like: conflict is not the difference between good and bad but between truth and lies.

Yeah, it sucks to be dismissed or laughed at. But plant the seed. (Farm pun not intended but should definitely be recognized.) You will feel better for making the effort and stating your peace. The truth will come out eventually, and the conflict will no longer be avoidable.

The longer the conflict lingers, the worse off you will be. People go into self-preservation mode and facts become fuzzy. Feelings build. Minor issues become major issues.

We are human; we make mistakes. How you handle conflict is a true test of character. In my examples, one man earned some of my respect while the other lost some. So which do you think I’m inclined to build a better relationship with?