by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Transformational Change.

Transformational change completely reshapes an organization. It can be strategic such as a change in leadership due to a merger or acquisition. It can be due to innovative technologies that drastically change processes, or it can be due to adding or eliminating a product or market. Although transformational change is generally positive, it can instill fear, doubt, and insecurity among employees. 

There are 4 stages of transformational change, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they are similar to the 5 stages of grief outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler.

ChangeGrief
DenialDenial
ResistanceAnger
ExplorationBargaining
CommitmentDepression
Acceptance

Back in 2020, I wrote that I was undergoing a transformation. Over the past few weeks, I have been emotional, feeling the same uneasiness, restlessness, hope, motivation, and inspiration that I felt then. Just a few months after I wrote that post, I started my master’s degree (which, I feel, has in large part led to my current feelings of transformational change). 

Emotions are stirring deep within my heart and soul. I am on a precipice. But with that anticipation and excitement, I have been grieving the professional future I had planned for myself. I am coming to terms with some things in my personal life that I have been resisting for years, and I am bargaining for some sort of stability and comfort with all of this change. At the same time, I am exploring changing my career and moving out of the area. All while trying not to get down on myself and remain positive about who I am, what I offer, and what I can do.

In short: I am feeling all. of. the. things.

When advancing your career, there are often parts of you that you have to leave behind in order to grow and move forward. Life is the same way. I will be leaving parts of me behind when I make my next move(s), and I feel like I am grieving those things now.

While some experts argue that anticipatory grief doesn’t do you any good, others believe that it does help with post-loss grief. Personally, I feel (or am choosing to believe) that my anticipatory grief is making room for the excitement that comes along with something new.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Pause.

Today, we are so caught up in media, technology, gossip, global news, economic in/stability, and essentially, way more things than I can list.  The advancement of having entertainment at our fingertips has increasingly distracted and distanced us from our need to self-reflect.  And yes, it is a need.  

When we turn our attention inward, it increases creativity and intimacy.  Focusing on our thoughts, identifying our feelings, and pondering our purpose and value activates the part of our brains that bring meaning to our lives and strengthens our identity – both of which contribute to a positive well-being.

Some people can find moments of pause throughout their day to reflect, show gratitude, pray, and/or appreciate; others have to make the time for it.  I’m both.  I need a lot of solitude.  I can appreciate in the small moments of the day-to-day grind, but, at least, probably once a month, I need a full day.  

During this day, I read, write, think, reflect, dream, and feel.  If there’s a lot of shit going on like there has been lately, I need more time alone.  I don’t function well when I can’t fully process the things that are happening around me.  I don’t need to understand everything, but I do need the time to fully digest it and let it settle.

[Side story: My Toastmasters mentor was encouraging me to practice my speeches during my drive time. I said, “Absa-F’ing-lutley. Not.” (Except a lot more eloquently.) Really what I said was, “I can’t do that. My drive time is sacred.” And truly it is. Drive time is my day-to-day pause time.]

As you know, I’m pretty fascinated by how our brains and our bodies work individually and collectively.  To continue on my current obsession of our heart, it actually acts as a great symbol ❤️ for our need to pause and reflect.  

The heart operates in two phases: systole and diastole.  Most people think that the systole phase is where all the action lies, because it’s pumping blood out to all of our other vital organs.  But it’s actually the diastole phase, where the heart relaxes that is the most important.  In this phase, the coronary blood vessels fill and supply oxygen to the heart muscle itself.  Without this pause, our heart would not receive the oxygen required to keep our heart pumping to supply blood to all of our other organs.  It’s the pause that keeps us alive.   

I’m going to repeat that for effect: It’s the pause that keeps us alive.

But truly think about this for a second: The heart receives oxygen when it relaxes. (Oxygen gives us life, people!) And it’s in the relaxation phase, the pause, that we receive the vital nutrients needed. to. live. 🤯‼️

Self-care is critical to our function. As I mentioned in my post about grief, our ability to indulge in external self-care has been limited in the age of COVID. So take the time to pause! It costs nothing, yet can have profound impacts.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Any Good.

Circumstances have arisen over the past several months that have caused me to re-evaluate certain relationships.  As a result, I’ve created new boundaries with people who I didn’t feel recognized my full worth.  These decisions did not come lightly, and I’m still having a hard time coping with the changes.

In only one of these circumstances was there a pretty clear cut of ties.  The others have been pretty much just my decision with no discussion about the state of the relationship.  In talking these changes out with a friend, she asked, “Why don’t you talk to them about it?”  And I responded, “It won’t do me any good.”  Then she asked, “Why do you think it won’t do you any good?”  I didn’t have an answer for her at the time, because it was something I just knew.  But I want to understand why this was something I just knew.

In Brené Brown’s podcast with Dr. Harriet Lerner, they talk about apologizing: how to apologize and why it matters.  Dr. Lerner said a few things that struck me:  

  • When you are apologizing, “focus on how you feel, not the other person’s crime sheet.” 
  • Do not ask for or demand an apology.  
  • If you need a response, then you are not ready for the conversation. (Basically, if you’re depending on the conversation to provide explanation, you’re on dangerous ground. I would argue, setting yourself up for disappointment.)

These statements kind of exactly sum up why I feel it won’t do me any good to talk things out with the people I’ve shifted my relationships.  

  1. I do not want an apology.  To me, it is clear that they are oblivious of how or how deeply they hurt me, and that is evident in their subsequent actions and behavior.  The apology (if I got one) wouldn’t be genuine.
  2. Since they are oblivious to how they’ve been treating me, pointing it out would just be calling out their crime.  In turn, they would get defensive and start slinging insults toward me.  They would feel accused rather than taking responsibility for their actions/behavior. As was said in the podcast, they would answer “blame with blame and shame with shame.”
  3. I’ve known some of these people a long time.  I know their attitudes.  I instinctively know what their responses would be if I brought the topic up in conversation based on past experiences.  (And I would be setting myself up for disappointment.)
  4. They’ve moved on, which shows me how little care they had invested in the first place. (In the situation and/or the relationship.)

With the people who I instinctively know how they’d respond, I’m actually having an easier time coming to terms with the new state of those relationships, over the one where ties were cut.  It goes to show me that if I instinctively knew that talking something difficult out with them wasn’t going to do anyone any good, then this behavior has been going on long enough for me to. be. intuitive. about it – which only gives me more confidence in my decision to shift the status of the relationships.

One might argue that I am also avoiding having tough conversations with people I supposedly care about. And that’s partly true. But I know my audience. When we know a road leads to a dead end, we don’t drive down it just to double check. In the relationship where ties were cut, I turned back when I saw the sign (literally and figuratively).

While each relationship shift has come with a sense of loss, there’s also a sense of empowerment behind the shift.

I’m garnering my strength and taking charge of how I want to be treated. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. Will they even notice I’ve become more distant? If so, will they care enough to question why? If not, at least, I will know where I stand. And that will likely be a hard truth to face.

With each of these relationships, I’m trying to accept ambiguity in closure. Relationships are matters of the heart. Although many of these relationships are still in tact, it’s the loss of the previous state of the relationship that I am grieving.

Defining these boundaries is a step toward living an impeccable life. I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone and braving the wilderness on my own. And it’s pretty F’ing scary. We. need. our. tribes.

But every hunter/gatherer leaves the tribe to find food and fiber. Right now, I am simply on the hunt for more fulfilling relationships. I’m hypersensitive to my surroundings (how I am being treated). And that’s okay. This is where we learn, we grow, and we test our skills. The better hunter I am, the better game I will capture. (Understanding how I want to be treated and establishing those boundaries upfront in a new relationship will bring a better quality of relationship.)

So, while I might think that it won’t do me any good to discuss the state of these relationships with others who are involved, that’s true in the sense of those particular relationships. But good will come in new relationships that get built, whether that’s on an existing foundation or an entirely new one.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Closure.

Making sense of something we have lost is the acceptance stage of grief.  Seeking closure can stem from any form of loss, not just the loss of a relationship.  An explanation or answer as to why we lost something can provide us with the opportunity to learn something about ourselves or the other person or situation (whatever it may be).

Closure exists on a scale; different personalities may be more prone to seek closure than others.  Not receiving closure for people who need it can lead to psychological distress.  

One study found that people who prefer order and predictability – having a more rigid way of thinking and a low tolerance for ambiguity – struggle when they are unable to find the answers to help them move on. In contrast, people who are more open minded, creative and comfortable with ambiguity are better able to cope with not achieving closure.

(source)

I’m not one way or the other. My personal need for closure is definitely on a scale. While I can logically come to terms with something, it might take me a little longer emotionally.

Remember when I wanted to have a courageous conversation with someone who avoided the conversation altogether? This was a situation where I had to accept ambiguity in closure. I knew that seeking out further closure would not make me feel better. I knew that it had the potential to actually make me feel worse, so I had to accept it for what it was.

Most people need closure most when termination of the event is significant, holding particular value or meaning. And that’s true. This person was important to me. While my head knows his reaction to the situation will have me better off in the long run, my heart is still hurting from the loss of our friendship. I learned something about myself and the other person in this situation, but that hasn’t made accepting it any easier or allowed me to move on from it any quicker.

In terms of COVID, life before pandemic was pretty damn great. And while it didn’t change dramatically, it changed enough. What makes COVID so tough is we are still in the midst of it. We don’t know if there’s going to be another wave in the fall or spring. We don’t know when our economy is going to re-open at full capacity. We don’t know what changes the election will bring. There is so. much. uncertainty. It’s hard to accept what it is, as it is, when it is constantly changing.

I think finding closure is a lot like handling disappointment. When you operate with ethos and logos, closure is a little more tangible. When you you operate with ethos and pathos, closure is a little more ambiguous. But when you’ve lost something of significance, it’s likely that you’ve put your head and your heart on the line. The more you have invested, the more emotional ramifications there will be, and the road to closure may take a little longer than anticipated.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Grief.

Suffering is part of human existence.  This is fact.  Every person in the world has lost something of significance and gone into a process of grieving.  Grief takes on different forms for different people.  Some numb pain; some deny through avoidance, and some lean into the pain.  Loss is unavoidable. 

Grief comes after loss, and psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross believed that there are 5 stages of grief.  They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There has been criticisms of this grief theory among social scientists.  I don’t love it or hate it.  I do think grief is a process, but I don’t necessarily think there is a structure (that we grieve in this consecutive order).  Grief affects us all differently, and we all manage it differently.  It is an incredibly powerful emotion that has physical, social, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual affects.  

David Kessler said, we lost the world as we know it because of COVID.  I don’t think it’s extreme to consider we as a collective society and we as individuals are experiencing grief due to the loss of our pre-COVID lives.

On a frustrating day, I live in COVID denial.  On a bad day, I live in COVID depression.  On a hopeful day, I live in COVID bargaining.  On a melancholy day, I live in COVID acceptance.  On a sad day, I live in COVID anger. 

Notice how I didn’t say “on a good day”?  Yeah, that was on purpose. 😔  It’s hard to see the good in grief.  COVID has fundamentally changed our society and that is having profound effects on our well-being.  We are culturally going through transformational change.  It has been abrupt, dramatic, problematic, and traumatic.  

While time may heal all wounds, scars are left behind – reminders of what we loss and subsequent negative emotions when we pay attention to those reminders.  But with COVID, at least for me, I guess I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.  A return to pre-COVID “normal” seems so far away.  We are six months into this global pandemic, and my wounds are still healing.   

I’m fortunate to understand what’s going on (for the most part).  I know myself well enough to know when I need special or extra care.  As someone who suffered from depression in the past, I know that I am in a vulnerable state.  I’ve had to make conscious and concerted efforts to give my mind, body, and soul the care it needs to sustain this discomfort for the foreseeable future.  

I feel like what makes the recovery part of COVID grief so difficult is that we do not have the outlets or ability to lean into the connections we desperately need to get us through these difficult times – at least in California. 😒 And what we are able to do, we must do with half our face covered – preventing us from receiving non-verbal cues from those with whom we communicate.

Like so many things we encounter in our lives, we often have a hard time accepting things for what they are when those things are beyond our control. While I logically understand this global pandemic, my emotional side is having a hard time coming to terms with it.

While I may not agree with the consecutive order in which we grieve, I do believe that acceptance is the last stage. Some days I accept COVID for what it is (on that particular day), but I have not accepted it for what it has done (personally and economically). I have not accepted the mental and behavioral health ramifications that are stemming from it (individually and collectively), nor have I accepted with the ability to move on.

Like scars from wounds that have healed, acceptance does not mean that all of our negative feelings magically disappear. Reminders still exist. When we push too hard, stitches can come undone. Infections can arise. We are. still. in. the healing process. Acceptance does not come within a specific timeframe. And even when the wounds have healed, sometimes it truly does become living in a “new normal.”

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Happiness.

Philosophers caution against focusing on happiness as the ultimate good in life, and I tend to agree.  Happiness is subjective; it’s not a constant.  I think we’ve put happiness on this unobtainable pedestal. It’s something that we haven’t actually defined for ourselves as individuals, and we strive for an unrealistic, curated ideal (however it is we perceive that ideal).  Basically, we really don’t even know what we are searching for. 

What we talk about in our culture as happiness is really kind of a revved-up version of happiness. It’s a high-energy [state] — scientists call it a high-arousal positive affect. It’s a feeling, it’s transient, it’s not quality of life, it’s not so many things.

Dr. Laurie Helgoe, The Introvert Entrepreneur

Happiness is an emotion, and emotions are fleeting.  I think a more realistic target for measuring good in life is our overall well-being.

Research has determined 6 dimensions of well-being.  People rank either high or low (defined as high):

  1. Self-Acceptance – positive attitude toward self;
  2. Positive Relations with Others – concerned about the welfare of others; willing to compromise to sustain important ties;
  3. Autonomy – independent, evaluates self by personal standards, resists social pressures;
  4. Environmental Mastery – controls external activities and makes use of surrounding opportunities;
  5. Purpose in Life – has goals and a sense of direction, feels there is meaning to life past and present, holds beliefs and objectives;
  6. Personal Growth – continued development and expansion, open to new experiences, notices improvement in self and behavior.

Life is so. much. more. than just. being. happy.  Failures, negative emotions, disappointing outcomes – all these “bad” things further define the purpose and meaning of our lives.  These aren’t happy things, but they do lead to happiness.  

In high school, I tried out for the softball team and didn’t make it, which made me sad.  But I saw it as an opportunity to work on my skills.  I became stronger, faster, and more knowledgeable about the sport.  I had to put forth more effort using several of the dimensions listed above.  I didn’t try out again the following year, because I got asked to play for an elite travel ball team. The failure actually led to more positivity in my well-being.

Even when present in exemplary lives, philosophers construe happiness not as an end in itself but a byproduct of other, more noble pursuits.

(source)

I’ve been facing an uphill climb the past few months.  I’ve faced several losses, some more significant than others.  Nonetheless, all left me grieving or feeling defeated in some way. Even through these tough times, I recognize that God is working in my life for good reason.  I am becoming stronger and more resilient.  This is character building.  

I have by no means been feeling happy, but overall, I still maintain a positive well-being.  I recognize storms may never stop coming – but neither do the rainbows! 🌈 We can’t judge our life solely on the storms or solely on the rainbows.  Without one, you can’t have the other.