by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Branding.

With the rise of social media, personal branding has become a thing. For awhile, I fell into this branding trap. In promoting agriculture, I became “Lacy Litten – Female Farmer.” It was a brand I was happy to have and promote. But I am not a brand, I am a human being who is constantly changing. Maintaining this Female Farmer brand started to become hard. The mold I created for myself began to crack.

But branding is really nothing new. During adolescence, I went through all the phases: country, surfer, punk – you name it. As I look back, I don’t see these phases as “trying them on for size.” I see them as reflections of emotional expression; a girl trying to find her place in the world, being influenced by movies, TV shows, books, friends, trends, environment, society, school, etc. These phases have given me a colorful life, full of perspective.

Branding is what we do; it is how we identify. Woman. Hunter. Homeowner. Mother. Gardener. Leader. Sister. These labels tell people who we are. It is often not intentionally done, but it becomes emphasized and embraced as we fully live these phases of life. As. We. Should.

A lot of life gets lived during each of these branded phases. They are only considered a phase, because a significant period of time can be reduced to a single identifier: college, marriage, career, childhood. None of these phases are defined solely by education, spouse, title, or age. We look at those words and know that knowledge, wisdom, and experience accumulated. Yet, we seem to judge people for making “dramatic” decisions, forgetting that those choices are a result of growth from those phases.

In August 2020, I wrote about undergoing a transformation. In October 2020, I started grad school, which I mastered July 2021. And in June 2021, I wrote about feeling on the precipice of change.

In August 2021, I accepted a new job, and all of the puzzle pieces are starting to come together. It’s been interesting to see and hear people’s reactions to the changes in my life. These changes are a result of years of growth. They are not rash decisions, but slow, meaningful, thoughtful, and instinctual moves forward.

When decisions, such as new careers, get made, there are pieces of us that we must leave behind. That’s the excitement of growth: out with the old and in with the new. Taking the wisdom, knowledge, and experiences gained, and applying them to new opportunities.

I don’t know what this next phase of life fully looks like or what brand will appear on the outside, but I am eager to find out.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Precipice.

Awhile back, I was talking to a friend about some things I’m going through. As I’m telling her all of these things, I’m asking, “Why is this my fault? Why do I have to do this? Why is this my problem? Why do I have to be the bigger person?” She flat-out, simply, and calmly replied, “Because you are the problem.”

✋🏼 Wait …….. what?

So many things ran through my brain as I processed, “You are the problem.” In the span of roughly 30 seconds, I felt shock, then anger and defensiveness, followed by a gradual shift to understanding, before accepting and actually feeling calm with this fact resonating. It was amazing how quickly I realized she was right. 🤯

Consider that we operate within systems, whether it be an immediate family system, an extended family system, a work system, department system, friend system, team system, etc. I am not satisfied with the system function. I am not cool with the status quo. I’m not here to settle into complacency. I don’t like how I am being treated. Whatever the situation is, I am the one disrupting the system. Therefore, I am the problem. 😔 

But there’s something strange about understanding this. One one hand, I’m like, of course, I am the problem. 🙄 This is so typical of me to be the one who disrupts the process. The one who challenges. The one who makes light of the issue. I am not one to sit back and keep my mouth shut – which is exactly why I feel I am always faced with the problems. I am the problems! And since I am the problems, I am also the solutions. And there is something empowering about knowing that I have the ability to control the problem. I can influence the system to find a better solution for me.

Easier said than done though. Holy. Shit. Nothing about influencing existing systems to change is easy. While it resonated with me that I am the problems and I am the solutions, the actual doing part is way more complicated.

As the one disrupting the system, I’m taking brunt of the negative reactions from people who are. satisfied. with the system function. It is normal to resist change and push back, so I’m not blaming these people. But I am taking the beating on several different fronts right now. And I get it. I’ve changed. Therefore, the current function of all my systems is being disrupted.

Where I’m at now though is a strange place. You are always most tired before you reach the peak of the mountain. Right now, dealing with the systems dysfunction is making me stronger. I’m building endurance while I take the high road. I am nearing the precipice. And while I am so. very.tired, I am eager and excited to see the view from the top. 🏞

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by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Passion.

Merriam-Webster defines passion as an “intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction.”  I don’t really like this definition.  I can have intense feelings of happiness or sadness or anger or any other emotion.  I feel like passion is more encompassing, but I’m not sure of what.  

You always hear motivational and inspirational speakers tell you to “Find your passion.”  Like, what does that even mean? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why don’t they say “Find what you love?” or “Find what makes you happy?”  What is it about passion that sets it apart?

I’ve had a lot of jobs in a lot of different industries.  But it wasn’t until I started working in farming that I truly began to understand what “find your passion” meant. In the day-to-day, I truly enjoy helping produce a safe and healthy food supply for my family, my community, and beyond.  I can be out walking a field and feel pure happiness, if even just for a moment.  I can submit paperwork and feel pride.  I can learn from an irrigator and feel connection. I can teach leadership and feel helpful.

But there are some days…

There are some days when I personally feel attacked, my role feels attacked, or when I feel my company or industry is being attacked – you wanna talk about intense feelings? 🤬 The anger and frustration can shoot straight through to my core.  Claws come out, and I. am. ready to pull out all. the. guns.  I can go from an extreme of positive emotions to an extreme of negative emotions in a matter of seconds. But the good days by far outweigh the bad days. And even on the bad days, there are few things I’d rather do more.

That. is. passion.

Kevin Hall defines passion as “A willingness to suffer for what you love” – a definition I really like.

But I don’t think passion is something you find. I think passion is like love.  It. finds. you.  When the time is right.  Society puts so much pressure on us to have both within a timeframe it deems “normal.”  As a collective, who is society to set these standards when we consider how many people are in unhappy marriages and unhappy in their careers?  

A “calling” is accompanied by “conviction of divine influence.”

Conviction is referenced in the Merriam-Webster definitions of passion and calling. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Conviction and passion are rooted in belief. Belief is putting trust or confidence in someone or some thing. Put that belief in yourself and your God, and you will find your passion when your passion finds you. It’s ethos, pathos, and logos working together.

All those random jobs I had before farming gave me perspective. Ten years ago, I didn’t have the confidence or the backbone to do what I do today. There’s a reason I found my calling when I did. I don’t think this is my only calling either. I think this is where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. And as I feel myself undergoing transformational change, this phase of life is just a stretch of highway on the journey.

As we learn and we grow, we change. Ten years from now, I can be in a completely different place. We don’t know what life has in store for us. Perhaps we must go through the rough waters until we reach our passion, and at that point it becomes smooth sailing. ⛵️ But not without challenge – just challenge you’re better suited to navigate. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I dunno; I’m learning as I go too!

But what I do know, is that I think most people equate passion with happiness. If we find our passion, we become happier. But there is nothing about suffering that makes one happy. I think passion is a balance between positive and negative emotions; it is contentment.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Control.

Control has been on my mind a lot lately for many reasons.  Some things have happened that are beyond my control, and some things have happened where I am taking control.  Since I frequently write about the need to control what we can control, it has me wondering why this is my desire?  

I would not consider myself a “control freak.”  I’m actually really easygoing when it comes to a lot of things.  In fact, what I’m realizing is that I may have been too easygoing in the past.  

Control is defined as “the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.”  If you’ve read my intro, you’ll know that I believe leadership is about influence.  Somewhere on my leadership journey, in learning how to influence others, I realized I am being negatively influenced by some people around me.  

We all have the right to be treated how we want to be treated.  Using our ability to influence, we actually have the ability to control how people treat us.  Like, this may not be earthshattering news.  But realistically, few of us are really aware of how we are being negatively influenced by others.  

Not so coincidentally, I recently listened to a podcast episode of the Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos on Epictetus and the Stoics.  The episode description says:

There are things we can control and things we can’t control. There are also things we can influence a bit. Being able to accept this concept and only set our goals accordingly saves us a lot of anguish. It’s a key lesson of Stoicism.

See why I said “not so coincidentally”?

To break it down: Philosophy professor Bill Irvine said that there is actually ambiguity in control: there are things that you cannot control, things that you can control, and things that you can influence.  He calls this the trichotomy of control.

The concepts of trichotomy of control and Stoicism have shed some new light on the situation I am trying to find peace within.

Feeling trapped in a situation I didn’t want to be in, I had been looking for an escape route.  But none of the escape options bring me immediate relief either.  And an escape route is looking for an easy way out. And I never take the easy way. So here I am.  Learning about Stoicism trying to reframe the situation to make it more bearable.  And you know what?  It worked. (So far.)

Normally, when people say “make a pros and cons list.” I’m like, “Yeah, okay 🙄. ” Then never actually do it.  But in this situation, I actually made a list of everything that made me feel hurt or angry.  I realized that there was only one common theme in the negativity, and it’s a big one: I felt my independence was being stifled and taken away.  But all of the circumstances surrounding this lack of control, all came from a place of love and support.  Motives were genuinely good.

So how did I reframe the situation? I put it in a language I understand: selfless leadership.  

Basically, I needed to accept this gift for their betterment.  I am doing them a disservice by not accepting, and that is not a selfless leader thing to do!  Instead of looking at it through a lens of how they were helping me (when I didn’t need it, want it, or ask for it), I reframed it to how I. was. helping. them.  This gave me a sense of control.  I’m doing them the favor, not the other way around.

But that was only a partial solution.  How do I regain my independence?  I start my Master’s degree!  Obviously. 😂 

For real though, the gift I had been rejecting tied up part of my future, and I didn’t feel like I had much of a say in it.  Grad school had been teetering in my mind for a long time, so I decided to just jump in.  This was a future I had a choice in and control over. I’ve been able to channel the negative feelings to rise to a new challenge of. my. making.

By reframing my view, I’ve actually created a win-win situation – giving me a sense of control over all of it.

Change, especially not of our making, can be extremely uncomfortable. Change, even of our making, can be extremely unconformable. Controlling what we can control, minimizes the discomfort to the degree that we can. None of it is going to be easy, but we can make, at least, make it a little more bearable.

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by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Politics.

Leadership is about rising above our lower self.  Leaders set aside their own discomfort to make something more bearable for the other person.  This creates the opposite of divide. It creates connection. And that’s been proven in psychology and neuroscience.

I haven’t watched much of the political debates, because I don’t need to – nor do I want to.  All the debates seem to be is a blame and shame game anyway.  We don’t need more of that in our polarized society.  We need leaders who say, “I’m sorry Mr. Presidential Nominee that you feel I haven’t done enough for the American people.  But let me tell you how I plan to help them when I get elected into office.” Blame and shame only adds fuel to the fire.  This answer acknowledges their feelings as legitimate and stifles the negative energy, then shifts the narrative to a hopeful future for the American people. (Where it should be.)

But this is typical politics. 🙄 An unfortunate circumstance is that we watch this unfold and mimic their behavior.  If people in positions of power and influence answer blame with blame and shame with shame, then that must be okay.  Then the people who look up to us see us demonstrating this behavior and assume that it’s okay.  It all filters downward.

I have several friends whose political beliefs firmly oppose my own.  I value these friendships, because they offer me perspective.  We can tease one another, but we never blame and shame.  We understand each other as people with good hearts, who want the best for this country. 

Best is subjective on so many factors in our individual lives.  If I can appreciate all those factors that created this unique human being who brings value to my life on all sorts of other levels, then I need to appreciate that those factors led him or her to their political beliefs too. You can’t have one without the other. We should be accepting of each other whole, perceived flaws and all.

I was once seeing this guy, and we were in that phase where you’re more than just friends but not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend.  The relationship was kind of at a standstill in this space, so I asked, “Where are we going with this relationship?” And he responded, “What relationship?”

First of all, that answer told me ev.er.y.thing. I needed to know about where he stood (and consequently, where I stood). Needless to say, that ended. 😂

He had such a close-minded view. A relationship exists with every person in which we interact. (Remember intimate, relational, and community?) Relationship itself is a noun. It’s a thing, right? But it requires action to make it a thing. Without connecting, binding, or relating, the relationship doesn’t exist. You’re just left with separate things.

Leadership starts with oneself. We can’t judge our politicians for answering blame with blame and shame with shame when we do the same thing. If we don’t like the polarization within our society, then we need to reflect on how we are contributing to it. There is a reason why people say, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” But realistically, we can’t do it alone.

In the day-to-day, most of us don’t interact with the Presidential Nominees. Most of us don’t even interact with our local elected officials. A relationship doesn’t really exist, unless you choose to pursue one. (Which I encourage you to do!) But elections do give you an interactive opportunity. And relationships do exist with your peers.

Show up in these relationships. Be an active participant. When there’s a mutual understanding and joint effort, together you make relationships work. And generally speaking, isn’t that just kind of how elections work? You show up to the polls, you communicate via your ballot, and collective voices influence the future of your relationship with government.

So don’t just be a thing! Engage! Be humble, and be kind. 💖

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

The Bar.

Everyone has an opinion on my love life.  And as much as I hate it, I also appreciate that so many people care about me and my happiness.  But I get a lot of commentary that needs to be drowned out, mostly, because very few people actually know me truly well enough to have a valid opinion.

Many of these comments have to do with my expectations, and that I’ve set the bar too high.  Every time I hear one of these comments, it really bothers me.  Even when said in a joking manner, it bums me out. 😔 

I am so fortunate to have incredible men in my life.  From my dad, to my grandpas, to each of my uncles, and to our lifelong family friend who is the closest thing I have to a brother.  Not to mention, my brother-in-law and several guy friends. These men want the best for me and care for my well-being.

Then there’s my dad’s friends, the ones he grew up with or the ones he goes hunting with.  Some may be a little rough around the edges, but they have been good, loyal friends to my dad.  They care about our family, and I know any one of them would be there should we ever need their help.

I also have hunting buddies, men I volunteer with, men I learn with, men who advise me on leadership and business, men I work with – all of these men have good hearts, a good work ethic, a good sense of humor; they are kind, generous, smart, and caring gentlemen.

My bar is not set on community involvement, on social status, or whatever other superficial quality you want to try and call me out on.  Yeah, these things may play a role in my dream guy, but I also know that what I want and what I may get can be totally different people.  There are very few men who pique my interest enough to even want to give my time to. Don’t shut down my hopes that there’s at least one good one still out there.

Realistically, my bar is set based on the men I am surrounded by.  It is set by their character, their charisma, their ethics, their morals, their values, and their chivalrous behavior.  Telling me that my bar is set too high is discounting the quality of men that I am so. damn. lucky. to have in my life. 

And because a lot of times it is these very men that are teasing me that my bar is set too high:

Don’t sell yourself so short!  Be proud of who you are, because I sure am. Until the time is right, God gave me the strength to endure this journey alone. I’m okay with that. I would much rather fly solo than settle for someone who does not measure up to the standard you have proven me worthy. Each of you have shown me qualities of a good man, and I am so grateful to call you friends, mentors, and family. 💕

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