by : lacylit10 Leadership

Avoidance.

We all value the importance of communication, but so many people avoid conversations that make them feel uncomfortable – which doesn’t solve anything.  It actually makes everything worse.  I’m not going to go into examples here.  We all know how it feels when we don’t feel as though we’re being listened to.

I tried to have one of these uncomfortable conversations with someone. I told him what I wanted to talk about, and we agreed to have the conversation at a later time when we would both be prepared to do so.  But that later discussion never happened.  This person invited me to have a seat at the table, then never let me pull up a chair.

That is such. poor. leadership.

Good leadership doesn’t turn off when you walk out of the office doors.  People who embrace leadership, live and breathe it in all aspects of their lives.  It becomes part of who they are.

I had two choices in this scenario:

  1. Push the issue.  I could have sought him out and demanded to be heard.
  2. Let it go.  I could accept that if he didn’t even want to hear me out, then it’s likely he wasn’t going to listen even if he did.

You probably know which choice I made.  Actually, you probably don’t.  This could really go either way. 😂

Here’s what I figured…

This person deliberately avoided this conversation and red flags came out:

🚩 He did not care enough about my discomfort (to set aside his own discomfort) 
🚩 He did not value my opinion or perspective (because he refused to hear it)
🚩 He did not respect me as an equal (by not giving me the opportunity to speak)

While I stewed over this for several days, I eventually let it go.  (I mean, that’s not entirely true.  It still pisses me off to think about it, but I let it go as far as he’s concerned.)  What I realized was that if none of those things applied before the conversation, nothing was going to change after the conversation.

As leaders, we must set aside our natural tendencies for the greater well-being of others.  He didn’t do that for me. And for as much as I wanted to give this guy a piece of my mind, I knew that ultimately it wasn’t going to do any good. Even if I received an empathetic and compassionate response, it wouldn’t have felt genuine. Because really, it wouldn’t have been. His authentic response was one of avoidance.

Remember when I said I’m starting to see more people in an unfavorable light? This is an example of one of those times. I realized this person wasn’t treating me in a way that I deserve, and I adjusted a new boundary accordingly.

We all have the right to be treated the way we want to be treated. That is 💯 within our power to control. He did what he thought was best for him by avoiding the issue, and I did what was best for me by walking away from it.

While I would like to say an unfortunate and unintended consequence is that our relationship has since taken different shape and suffered because of this, I can’t say I’m all that disappointed. If I’m not going to be cared for, valued, or respected, then I’m not getting much benefit out of the relationship in the first place. And let’s be real, it’s his loss anyway. 😁💁🏻‍♀️

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Impeccable.

In the Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz defines impeccable as “without sin”.  

A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself.

Don Miguel Ruiz

Who we are has been shaped by the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those around us.  Most notably, our parents who have influenced our entire belief system since birth.  How do we know who we really are when so much of who we are has been influenced by others?  Their thoughts have become engrained in our minds as if they are our own.

Personally, I think this is why emotional intelligence and self-awareness is critical to our function.  Our bodies react to our emotions.  When we pay attention to what our bodies tell us, when we learn the contours of our emotions, we can decipher between what is right for us and what others think is right for us.  

We feel safe around the people we care about.  We value their opinions, beliefs, perspectives, and thoughts.  When we lean into these social connections to build or maintain relationships, it can be very difficult to disagree with them.  We all have an innate desire to belong.  If we disagree with those who are close to us, then we feel vulnerable, exposed, and isolated.  And it’s scary to be on the outside, especially of our innermost circle.

This has been, by far, the hardest part of my leadership journey.  

It’s not having disagreements in the sense of “I’m right and you’re wrong.”  It’s having disagreements in doing what is best for me that may go against the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those I am surrounded by.  

I’ve learned to pay deep attention to words that are spoken, actions that are taken, and patterns of behavior in the people around me.  So often, it is their own insecurities, fears, short-comings, or desires that are projected onto others, and I don’t even have to be a direct recipient to recognize it.

It is so incredibly difficult to spot weaknesses in people who have no idea these are weaknesses in themselves being projected onto the ones they care about.  Although I am thankful to be able to not accept these projections as my own, it feels quite lonely to not join the comfort of agreement. 

People look at the outsiders as weak or weird.  The outsiders are the ones I’ve come to admire most.  They are true to themselves.  They are courageous.  They are impeccable.  

Maya Angelou said:

You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

For the outsiders, the price is high in judgment, criticism, assumptions, and opinions from others.  These will hurt, no matter who you are.  But they don’t agree with the negative projections from others.  They belong to no place and no one, because they belong to themselves – wholly and completely, and freedom is their reward.  Doesn’t that just sound like a sacred place to be? (Hint: it is.)

But I’m still learning this.  I don’t yet feel free.  I still feel trapped in the web of morals, values, beliefs, opinions, fears, and judgments of those around me.  It’s like I’ve got one leg in the circle and one leg out.  But it’s not so much fear that is holding me back so much as it is the emotional reaction I feel to the disagreement. I feel sad for the other person.  

Sad that they:

  1. Have this insecurity or display criticism or judgement;
  2. They don’t recognize it;
  3. They’re unintentionally spreading it onto those they care about.

As much as I’d like to leave them in the circle while I step outside, part of me wants to join them in their misery.  Not because of I believe their projection about myself or them, but because I want them to see what I see.  I see potential.  I see beauty.  I see a good heart.  I see that they have nothing to feel insecure or afraid of and I want to walk them outside of the circle to live their own. impeccable. life.

And maybe that’s just exactly what makes leadership so hard.  It’s like saving someone from a rip tide.  Not only are you swimming and paddling to keep yourself afloat, but you’re swimming and paddling to keep someone else from going under too.  A leader has to have strength for more than just themselves. And I suppose that is why not everyone is cut out for the job.