by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Transformation.

Do you ever go through periods of life where you feel God working within you? What this looks like may be different for each of us, but for me, I feel uneasy, restless, and emotional, yet hopeful, motivated, and inspired. I recognize these feelings when they appear and know that I am going through a transformational change.

In most change models, we create a picture of what we think the solution should be, then work hard to make reality fit that picture. We try to dominate the situation. I have a friend who is super Type A, logical, and analytical. This would be his approach to change. You create a game plan, and you stick to the game plan.

Transformational change activates the power of vision and humility to face the mysteries of life. We control what we can control, and roll with the punches that we cannot. This is my approach to change. You cultivate discipline of good planning, and adapt to the situation as it is in each moment.

I always say that you need to find comfort in the uncomfortable, but that does not mean that it is comfortable. Susan David says that tough emotions are part of our contract for a meaningful life. Discomfort is movement and growth.

In talking about her sobriety journey, Glennon Doyle says she hasn’t felt fine in 17 years. I’m not an alcoholic, nor have I been, but I so related to this comment. I am a deep feeler. As someone who is constantly seeking personal and professional growth, I am always in a state of discomfort.

The societal expectation is that we don’t talk about our feelings. Feelings are for sissies. I actually find that notion hilarious, because it is the opposite that is true. Remember when I wrote about the definition of courage and talking about our feelings? It is much easier for me to write about my feelings, but to say them out loud? Oy vey. šŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø

It is hard to live in a constant state of discomfort. Sometimes, it is so. incredibly. difficult. But feelings are meant to be felt, that’s why we have them! They exist to prompt you into moving! It may seem easier to avoid our feelings, but avoiding our feelings is what drives a lot of people to alcoholism or drugs. They don’t want to feel. I’m sure most of us would agree that it’s probably better to feel what we feel than be driven to addiction. No? šŸ¤·šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø

I feel like the only thing that would be worse than feeling feelings would be not feeling them at all. Could you imagine? You have to have the good and the bad. It’s not a one or the other.

When I lost my dog, my heart didn’t just break; it shattered. šŸ’” It was in pieces, and I had physical reactions to the pain. It was a deeper hurt than I had experienced in a very, very long time. But even through my grief, I was accepting of the pain, the hurt, and the trauma. All those deeply negative emotions gave profound meaning to her existence and her purpose in my life.

Although I am in a constant state of improvement, transformational change is different. It comes from deep within. It’s like an accumulation of weeks, months or years worth of discomfort in growth coming to a head. Although it’s rough to navigate through, I know good things are on the horizon. And that is so. damn. exciting.

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by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Burn-Out.

Did you know that burn-out is classified as an ā€œoccupational phenomenonā€ in the International Classification of Diseases by the World Health Organization (WHO)?  Itā€™s in a section describing factors that influence a personā€™s health without being an illness or injury.  

Burn-out refers specifically to phenomena in the occupational context and should not be applied to describe experiences in other areas of life.

Itā€™s a syndrome (associated symptoms of opinions, emotions, and behavior) essentially brought to fruition from the unsuccessful management of chronic workplace stress.  It is characterized by three dimensions:

  1. Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion;
  2. Increased mental distance from oneā€™s job or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to oneā€™s job;
  3. Reduced professional efficacy

Now, Iā€™ve been saying I feel burnt-out for quite a while now.  But even through all the crap, I’ve still been wondering, ā€œIs it all just in my head? Itā€™s not really all. that. bad, is it?ā€ So in true Lacy fashion, I looked for a way to justify my feelings.  Since burn-out is diagnosable, thereā€™s got to be a measurement tool to verify, right?

There are actually several different assessments you can take. Here is an example of one. I canā€™t find the one that I used, but here are my results:

  • Emotional strain = 30
  • Interpersonal strain = 31
  • Task strain = 30

Scores higher than 25 in each indicate a high degree of strain.Ā Ā If you add each score, anything higher than 75 indicates that ā€œyou may be feeling intense strain or burnout.ā€Ā Ā You guys.Ā šŸ˜³Ā My total score is 91.Ā Ā Yeah, you can say Iā€™m feeling intense strain.

I have been having a hard time keeping it together. And now, it’s starting to show up in my attitude and behavior. And only now that it’s becoming visible does it seem anyone is taking notice. Remember when I said everyone has an innate desire to feel seen and heard? Yeah, true story. šŸ™„

My leadership and emotional capacity have been exhausted over the past several months. It pains me burn-out is even showing up in my attitude and behavior, because great leaders are supposed to have it all together. But at what point is it okay for me to not be okay?

Don’t freak out by that statement. I’m fine. My point is: why does it have to get this far? Burn-out doesn’t just happen over night; it happens over time.

As an employee, resources are not readily available for me to access. I have certain parameters I must work within. Open communication with my boss is critical, then it becomes a test of his leadership.

But I’m not putting this all on him. Aside from the uncontrollables that have contributed to the unsuccessful management of this chronic stress, the rest is my own fault. Either I poorly managed my time, I didn’t prioritize effectively, I wasn’t working efficiently, or I wasn’t assertive enough in expressing, “I’m drowning in work.” Perhaps it’s a combination of some or all of these things.

While I don’t consider myself a perfectionist, I do have a perfectionist mentality – another contributing factor. šŸ˜¬ But on the bright side, some deadlines are coming to a close this week. And if that’s not enough of a silver lining, the season slows down in about 3 months. So, you know, that will be here before I know it. šŸ¤£šŸ‘©šŸ»ā€šŸŒ¾

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Independent.

I was talking to a friend who asked, “Why would people think that I wouldn’t settle down?”

šŸ˜¬ That, is a loaded question, my friend.

While marriage and a family are important to him, he’s been self-reliant and independent for a very long time. He thinks he’s open with information, but he’s actually quite reserved. He tells you what you need to know (logically) and not much more (emotionally). He’s had relationships, but not real meaningful ones. And they’re not meaningful, because he defaults to independent and self-reliant behavior with no emotional vulnerability to build connection.

He thinks no one is going to do something as good as he’s going to do it, so why rely on someone else? He’s been able to manage things for himself for so long that he doesn’t need anyone else’s help.

I get it. Because it’s like looking in a F’ing mirror. (Remember when I said I’m an independent problem-solver? šŸ™„)

Our modern culture associates independence with strength and confidence. This can be dangerous, because it’s not reflective of our true nature as social creatures that depend on others. Society pressures us to do the exact opposite of what we actually need to do. We grow up believing that if we need each other, we are less than.

I don’t easily let people in. But it’s not so much a defense mechanism, as it has become a learned behavior. I can 100% count on myself in any situation. I can’t say the same for others. And this gets validated repeatedly.

If I have to remind a guy at work to do something more than once, he’s unreliable. If I keep putting my heart out there only to have it broken, it’s better to keep it locked up safely. If I keep getting shitty advice, it’s better not to talk to anyone. This isn’t rocket science. Einstein gets it and he was super smart:

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The thing is though: the guy at work is unreliable, but not every person I work with is. Men may break my heart, but not every man will. And if someone keeps giving me shitty advice, someone else will be more understanding.

Part of my struggle with learning to live impeccably is that I’ve begun to see more people in an unfavorable light. It’s not just the one person at work that’s unreliable; there’s multiple people. It’s not that men have broken my heart; it’s that there’s so few I’m even willing to give the opportunity. It’s not that people intend to give me shitty advice; it’s that I’ve outgrown their ability to successfully reach me.

Of course, these are things that I pretty much already knew. They’re just resonating a little more deeply lately. There’s good and bad to this. The bad is that it’s only further validating my presumption that self-reliant and independent behavior is best. The good is that I recognize this is bad. šŸ˜

Now, the hard part is improving my own behavior. I cannot control any of these external factors, but I can control how I prevent or react to them. This has taken a lot of self-reflection and inner-work. It’s taken re-evaluating relationships and setting new boundaries.

If I’m being honest, it feels as though I’m just setting myself up for failure. And realistically, I kind of am. We have to take chances on people in order to build connections with them. We have to put ourselves out there with the risk we will be let down or hurt. Vulnerability is courageous, and it’s all just part of life.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Emotion.

I write a lot about emotions and feeling them.Ā  Psychology fascinates me, so itā€™s not surprising that this is where my writing leans.Ā  But throughout my business and leadership readings, trainings, and experiences, itā€™s become quite evident to me how much emotion plays a part in our daily lives ā€“ and how many people dismiss it as playing an important part in our daily lives.

In a TED Talk presented by Harvard Medical School Psychologist Susan David, she performed a study of 70,000 people and found that 1/3 of these people judge or actively try to push aside ā€œbadā€ emotions such as grief, anger, or sadness. 

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.  But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. 

Like, whoa.Ā šŸ¤Æ She is so right!Ā  And honestly, it bums me out.Ā  I believe all emotions, good or bad (and everything in between and outside of), are part of life and should be felt, fully and completely.Ā  Itā€™s not what we do in life that makes life worth living, itā€™s the emotions that come with the doing that make usĀ feel alive.Ā  David validates this:

When we lean into the discomfort it helps us overcome it that much quicker.  The negative emotions help us feel alive.  Builds resilience and is a true driver to authentic happiness.

Some people say we can control how we feel.  I only partially believe that.  I cannot control how something I perceive hits me emotionally.  But the moment it hits me, I can manage that emotion.  Although I do believe that you can adapt and become more resilient to different emotions over time.  David explains in a way that may resonate more with a logical thinker:

Emotions are not directives.  The emotion is a data source.

Sometimes, we have a hard time naming specific emotions, but identification is essential.Ā  When we label our emotions accurately we are able to discern the precise cause of our feelings activating part of our brain that allows us to take steps to move forward.

Personally, I am feeling a lot of different emotions during this pandemic.  It may seem that the ā€œbadā€ is outweighing the ā€œgoodā€, but I guarantee you there are more wins in the day than you are giving yourself credit for. Yesterday, I went for a long walk.  Fresh air and exercise ā€“ win/win.  Got some ice cream ā€“ win.  Helped a friend with a problem he was having at work ā€“ win.  Woke up rested ā€“ win.  You get the picture.

I do encourage you to watch the full TED Talk, because Susan David has some really,Ā reallyĀ great quotes that I just couldnā€™t include them all here without completely plagiarizing her genius. (Although, I would totally love to take credit for some of her statements.) šŸ˜†šŸ™Œ

At the end of the day, we’re all going through some tough shit here. You cannot control what others feel and how they deal with those emotions, but you can control how you deal with what you feel. So lean into it, own it, and work through it. šŸ’– How you feel will radiate outward. If we truly want to become “stronger together,” it starts within each of us.*

*Stay tuned for a post with more on this!

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Melancholy.

Melancholy is defined as a ā€œdepression of spiritsā€ or a ā€œpensive mood.ā€  I want to focus on the former definition, because I feel like thatā€™s exactly what weā€™re experiencing as humans right now.  At least, I am.

In BrenĆ© Brownā€™s new podcast, she talks with David Kessler on grief and finding meaning.  Kessler says that grief comes after loss.  That loss can be anything of significance to the individual.  He points out that during this pandemic, we could list a 100 different things that we have lost: our social lives, our ability to converge in public, physical touch (as simple as a handshake), and the big one: the world as we knew it.

The world as we knew it no longer exists.  That. Is. HUGE. šŸ¤Æ  And he is right.  It no longer exists and will not exist as we knew it for the foreseeable future, if ever.  You guys. šŸ˜³ That is some heavy stuff to take in.

If we breakdown the definition of melancholy:

  • Depression = sadness
  • Spirit = temper, disposition, or essence

This makes so. much. sense. to me.  Iā€™ll explain why in a minute.

But first, on COVID:

Some of us havenā€™t bought into the hype. Some of us think this is media manipulation and a ploy to take down Trumpā€™s economy.  On the other hand, some of us truly believe in the dangers and efforts to prevent.  Some of us are genuinely concerned about the risk.  And there are some of us that fall somewhere in the middle. 

No matter where you stand on the COVID belief scale, all of us are making an effort to do what we feel in our hearts is right.  Whether that is going to the grocery store without a mask or putting on a hazmat suit to visit the doctorā€™s office, each of us is navigating through this in our own way.

Outwardly, we are putting on brave faces.  We are being strong for those around us.  We are trying to lift each other up.  No matter our beliefs on COVID, we are trying to protect each other as a community, as we individually see fit.  But inwardly, we are mourning the loss of the world as we knew it. 

The positivity that is emitting from this pandemic has surprised me.  While I think itā€™s amazing the way people are coming together to spread joy and appreciation, part of me is concerned that we are masking our grief and not coping with our losses.  But Iā€™m not judging that either.  I think so many of us are merely just trying to get through this thing with some sanity.

In the meantime, we are living in purgatory.  We are trying to lift others up, because we are feeling down.  We are trying to bring happiness to others, because our spirits are sad. 

We can only put on a brave face for so long, so give yourself permission to feel what you feel.  The sooner we own it and feel it, the quicker we can work through it.  We get through purgatory by cleansing our souls of the impurities.  Indulge in self-care, friends.  Lord knows we need it, and weā€™ve earned it. šŸ’–

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Standards.

I had the TV on in the background one evening, when I overheard something that made me pause.

He said, ā€œMaybe your standards are too high.ā€
She replied, ā€œOur standards are who we are.ā€

They werenā€™t talking about dating. They were talking about quality of work. Now, I’ve been thinking about my own standards, both personally and professionally, a lot over the past year or so. Am I setting my expectations too high? Are these realistic things to achieve?

Honestly, I get teased a lot because I was a straight A student, and I always strive for 100% on my audits. I set my sights for ideal. And if I talk about any struggles I’m facing trying to reach that ideal, people respond that I should reevaluate my expectations or lower my bar. And even when said in a joking manner, it irritates me that people are actually encouraging me to essentially give up when things get a little tough. It’s completely backward.

In The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, Mark Manson talks about some guy named Becker and his theory of ā€œimmortality projects.ā€ Immortality projects are the things that drive us to leave behind a legacy. Becker believed that humans are so fearful of death, that it drives them to do great things to be remembered when their physical bodies leave the world.

Religion, politics, sports, art, and technological innovation are the result of peopleā€™s immortality projects.

Manson explains that these immortality projects are our values. And values can be defined as the standards of oneā€™s own behavior. Like, whoa, right? Iā€™ll give you a second to re-read that.

If the standards we set drive our behavior to achieve things out of life, why would I ever strive for something less than great?

Our values are what we find important in life, and if we donā€™t hold those important things in life to a high standard, well, I mean, who wants to go through life being mediocre? I want to go through life standing out, trailblazing my own path, and marching to my own drum.

Personally and professionally, I strive for perfection. But Iā€™m not a perfectionist. I know that shit happens and that reality doesnā€™t always live up to our expectation. So why would I ever strive for less than perfection knowing that the expectation may not be met?

Our standards really areĀ whoĀ we are, and they are what motivates us to move forward. I mean, we don’t aim to run 3/4 of the race, we aim to run the whole damn thing!

Here’s the kind of funny part about it all: I ignore the people who tell me to reevaluate my standards or lower my bar. I thrive when presented with a challenge, so bring on that hard work! That little bit of struggle is what separates the good from the great. And if I had listened to those people telling me to “give it a rest”, I wouldn’t be out here slaying goals. So dare to dream and do you! šŸ’•