by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Precipice.

Awhile back, I was talking to a friend about some things I’m going through. As I’m telling her all of these things, I’m asking, “Why is this my fault? Why do I have to do this? Why is this my problem? Why do I have to be the bigger person?” She flat-out, simply, and calmly replied, “Because you are the problem.”

✋🏼 Wait …….. what?

So many things ran through my brain as I processed, “You are the problem.” In the span of roughly 30 seconds, I felt shock, then anger and defensiveness, followed by a gradual shift to understanding, before accepting and actually feeling calm with this fact resonating. It was amazing how quickly I realized she was right. 🤯

Consider that we operate within systems, whether it be an immediate family system, an extended family system, a work system, department system, friend system, team system, etc. I am not satisfied with the system function. I am not cool with the status quo. I’m not here to settle into complacency. I don’t like how I am being treated. Whatever the situation is, I am the one disrupting the system. Therefore, I am the problem. 😔 

But there’s something strange about understanding this. One one hand, I’m like, of course, I am the problem. 🙄 This is so typical of me to be the one who disrupts the process. The one who challenges. The one who makes light of the issue. I am not one to sit back and keep my mouth shut – which is exactly why I feel I am always faced with the problems. I am the problems! And since I am the problems, I am also the solutions. And there is something empowering about knowing that I have the ability to control the problem. I can influence the system to find a better solution for me.

Easier said than done though. Holy. Shit. Nothing about influencing existing systems to change is easy. While it resonated with me that I am the problems and I am the solutions, the actual doing part is way more complicated.

As the one disrupting the system, I’m taking brunt of the negative reactions from people who are. satisfied. with the system function. It is normal to resist change and push back, so I’m not blaming these people. But I am taking the beating on several different fronts right now. And I get it. I’ve changed. Therefore, the current function of all my systems is being disrupted.

Where I’m at now though is a strange place. You are always most tired before you reach the peak of the mountain. Right now, dealing with the systems dysfunction is making me stronger. I’m building endurance while I take the high road. I am nearing the precipice. And while I am so. very.tired, I am eager and excited to see the view from the top. 🏞

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by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Appreciation.

Life has been an uphill climb lately.  And yeah, I’ve been complaining.  It’s natural, right? 😬 But I also recognize that you don’t reach a peak of the mountain without first walking through the valley.  

For the past 4 months, it has literally been one thing after another, and it’s taken me on an emotional roller coaster.  There have been essentially 7 significant events that have each taken me down a notch (or several). 

While I’ve been able to lean on people who care about me for support, there is still something missing that’s left me feeling unfulfilled.  So, I’ve been doing what I do: completely analyzing these situations to find the root of what has me feeling defeated and less than.

And here’s that I think it comes down to: appreciation.  We all have this innate desire to feel seen and heard.  And while I have received “thank you” or “I appreciate you” comments, some haven’t felt truly genuine, nor has the appreciation equated to the toll each situation has taken on me.  The scale is still weighed more negatively. 

Psychological research has shown that when people are perpetually in a situation where they are ignored, this causes real emotional pain, and that in turn will cause physical problems caused by the stress of being ignored on an ongoing basis.

(source)

If I’m being honest, this is where I feel I am.  It’s not that I feel I’ve been completely ignored, but I don’t feel I’ve been truly seen either.  What’s more is that a few of these situations have prompted me to re-evaluate relationships, adding to the feelings of loneliness and loss.  Not only am I enduring the stress of each situation compounded, but also the stress of not feeling seen or heard in each situation compounded.  

But I can’t recognize this problem without also finding a solution.

This made me think about the 5 Love Languages.  How someone expresses love is essentially the same way he or she express appreciation.  If we can apply this to romantic relationships, why wouldn’t the same concept apply to professional relationships too?

Turns out, the same people who wrote the 5 Love Languages also wrote a book about the 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.  And you know what?  They’re the same!  (I’m really not that surprised by this. 😏)  Here’s what appreciation in the workplace looks like:

  1. Gifts – Lunch or a bonus
  2. Acts of Service – Actions speak louder than words (actual help)
  3. Quality Time – Undivided attention (real active listening)
  4. Words of Affirmation – Expression of genuine gratitude
  5. Physical Touch – Strong handshake or pat on the back

My mentor gave me quality time and words of affirmation. She validated my feelings and encouraged me to make some moves. The friend who avoided our conversation left me feeling ignored and unappreciated. One made me feel seen and heard (in limited capacity) while the other definitely did not.

Receiving appreciation in any capacity is external and not within my control.  I can’t force someone to genuinely and authentically show me they care.  I think that’s what makes it so meaningful when someone does. But it also comes back to recognizing small wins, because we don’t always receive appreciation in grand gestures.