by : lacylit10 Leadership

Avoidance.

We all value the importance of communication, but so many people avoid conversations that make them feel uncomfortable – which doesn’t solve anything.  It actually makes everything worse.  I’m not going to go into examples here.  We all know how it feels when we don’t feel as though we’re being listened to.

I tried to have one of these uncomfortable conversations with someone. I told him what I wanted to talk about, and we agreed to have the conversation at a later time when we would both be prepared to do so.  But that later discussion never happened.  This person invited me to have a seat at the table, then never let me pull up a chair.

That is such. poor. leadership.

Good leadership doesn’t turn off when you walk out of the office doors.  People who embrace leadership, live and breathe it in all aspects of their lives.  It becomes part of who they are.

I had two choices in this scenario:

  1. Push the issue.  I could have sought him out and demanded to be heard.
  2. Let it go.  I could accept that if he didn’t even want to hear me out, then it’s likely he wasn’t going to listen even if he did.

You probably know which choice I made.  Actually, you probably don’t.  This could really go either way. 😂

Here’s what I figured…

This person deliberately avoided this conversation and red flags came out:

🚩 He did not care enough about my discomfort (to set aside his own discomfort) 
🚩 He did not value my opinion or perspective (because he refused to hear it)
🚩 He did not respect me as an equal (by not giving me the opportunity to speak)

While I stewed over this for several days, I eventually let it go.  (I mean, that’s not entirely true.  It still pisses me off to think about it, but I let it go as far as he’s concerned.)  What I realized was that if none of those things applied before the conversation, nothing was going to change after the conversation.

As leaders, we must set aside our natural tendencies for the greater well-being of others.  He didn’t do that for me. And for as much as I wanted to give this guy a piece of my mind, I knew that ultimately it wasn’t going to do any good. Even if I received an empathetic and compassionate response, it wouldn’t have felt genuine. Because really, it wouldn’t have been. His authentic response was one of avoidance.

Remember when I said I’m starting to see more people in an unfavorable light? This is an example of one of those times. I realized this person wasn’t treating me in a way that I deserve, and I adjusted a new boundary accordingly.

We all have the right to be treated the way we want to be treated. That is 💯 within our power to control. He did what he thought was best for him by avoiding the issue, and I did what was best for me by walking away from it.

While I would like to say an unfortunate and unintended consequence is that our relationship has since taken different shape and suffered because of this, I can’t say I’m all that disappointed. If I’m not going to be cared for, valued, or respected, then I’m not getting much benefit out of the relationship in the first place. And let’s be real, it’s his loss anyway. 😁💁🏻‍♀️

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Independent.

I was talking to a friend who asked, “Why would people think that I wouldn’t settle down?”

😬 That, is a loaded question, my friend.

While marriage and a family are important to him, he’s been self-reliant and independent for a very long time. He thinks he’s open with information, but he’s actually quite reserved. He tells you what you need to know (logically) and not much more (emotionally). He’s had relationships, but not real meaningful ones. And they’re not meaningful, because he defaults to independent and self-reliant behavior with no emotional vulnerability to build connection.

He thinks no one is going to do something as good as he’s going to do it, so why rely on someone else? He’s been able to manage things for himself for so long that he doesn’t need anyone else’s help.

I get it. Because it’s like looking in a F’ing mirror. (Remember when I said I’m an independent problem-solver? 🙄)

Our modern culture associates independence with strength and confidence. This can be dangerous, because it’s not reflective of our true nature as social creatures that depend on others. Society pressures us to do the exact opposite of what we actually need to do. We grow up believing that if we need each other, we are less than.

I don’t easily let people in. But it’s not so much a defense mechanism, as it has become a learned behavior. I can 100% count on myself in any situation. I can’t say the same for others. And this gets validated repeatedly.

If I have to remind a guy at work to do something more than once, he’s unreliable. If I keep putting my heart out there only to have it broken, it’s better to keep it locked up safely. If I keep getting shitty advice, it’s better not to talk to anyone. This isn’t rocket science. Einstein gets it and he was super smart:

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The thing is though: the guy at work is unreliable, but not every person I work with is. Men may break my heart, but not every man will. And if someone keeps giving me shitty advice, someone else will be more understanding.

Part of my struggle with learning to live impeccably is that I’ve begun to see more people in an unfavorable light. It’s not just the one person at work that’s unreliable; there’s multiple people. It’s not that men have broken my heart; it’s that there’s so few I’m even willing to give the opportunity. It’s not that people intend to give me shitty advice; it’s that I’ve outgrown their ability to successfully reach me.

Of course, these are things that I pretty much already knew. They’re just resonating a little more deeply lately. There’s good and bad to this. The bad is that it’s only further validating my presumption that self-reliant and independent behavior is best. The good is that I recognize this is bad. 😏

Now, the hard part is improving my own behavior. I cannot control any of these external factors, but I can control how I prevent or react to them. This has taken a lot of self-reflection and inner-work. It’s taken re-evaluating relationships and setting new boundaries.

If I’m being honest, it feels as though I’m just setting myself up for failure. And realistically, I kind of am. We have to take chances on people in order to build connections with them. We have to put ourselves out there with the risk we will be let down or hurt. Vulnerability is courageous, and it’s all just part of life.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

The Bar.

Everyone has an opinion on my love life.  And as much as I hate it, I also appreciate that so many people care about me and my happiness.  But I get a lot of commentary that needs to be drowned out, mostly, because very few people actually know me truly well enough to have a valid opinion.

Many of these comments have to do with my expectations, and that I’ve set the bar too high.  Every time I hear one of these comments, it really bothers me.  Even when said in a joking manner, it bums me out. 😔 

I am so fortunate to have incredible men in my life.  From my dad, to my grandpas, to each of my uncles, and to our lifelong family friend who is the closest thing I have to a brother.  Not to mention, my brother-in-law and several guy friends. These men want the best for me and care for my well-being.

Then there’s my dad’s friends, the ones he grew up with or the ones he goes hunting with.  Some may be a little rough around the edges, but they have been good, loyal friends to my dad.  They care about our family, and I know any one of them would be there should we ever need their help.

I also have hunting buddies, men I volunteer with, men I learn with, men who advise me on leadership and business, men I work with – all of these men have good hearts, a good work ethic, a good sense of humor; they are kind, generous, smart, and caring gentlemen.

My bar is not set on community involvement, on social status, or whatever other superficial quality you want to try and call me out on.  Yeah, these things may play a role in my dream guy, but I also know that what I want and what I may get can be totally different people.  There are very few men who pique my interest enough to even want to give my time to. Don’t shut down my hopes that there’s at least one good one still out there.

Realistically, my bar is set based on the men I am surrounded by.  It is set by their character, their charisma, their ethics, their morals, their values, and their chivalrous behavior.  Telling me that my bar is set too high is discounting the quality of men that I am so. damn. lucky. to have in my life. 

And because a lot of times it is these very men that are teasing me that my bar is set too high:

Don’t sell yourself so short!  Be proud of who you are, because I sure am. Until the time is right, God gave me the strength to endure this journey alone. I’m okay with that. I would much rather fly solo than settle for someone who does not measure up to the standard you have proven me worthy. Each of you have shown me qualities of a good man, and I am so grateful to call you friends, mentors, and family. 💕

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by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Intuition.

Did you know that there is a lot of chatter in the medical community about our gut being our second brain? So when you “go with your gut” or have a “gut feeling”, there really is something to say for that. Scientists call this second brain our enteric nervous system (ENS), and it is made up of more than 100 million nerve cells 😳 that line our gastrointestinal tract from our esophagus to our rectum.

The ENS isn’t capable of thoughts as we know them coming from our brain, but it does communicate back and forth with our brain. Researchers and doctors thought that depression and anxiety contributed to the emotional shifts experienced by people who suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and functional bowel problems such as constipation and bloating. But now, they are finding evidence that the irritation in the gastrointestinal system may actually be sending signals to our central nervous system triggering mood changes. 🤯 Isn’t that interesting? Our gut may tell us when we have a digestive problem by shifting our mood.

A lot of times our intuition is reflected in a “gut feeing.” So, is intuition our brain telling our gut to react or our gut telling our brain to react?

Intuition is a form of knowledge that appears in consciousness without obvious deliberation. It is not magical but rather a faculty in which hunches are generated by the unconscious mind rapidly sifting through past experience and cumulative knowledge.

Psychology Today

We develop our intuition based on patterns. Logical knowledge certainly plays a part, but sometimes analyzing data and information doesn’t provide us with the answers we need, so we turn to our intuition for additional guidance.

I am highly sensitive to my surroundings and my emotions. When I experience something, I pick up on subtle details that others may not pay attention to, such as: the vibe in the room, smells, sounds, behaviors, and how these things make me feel. I use multiple senses to receive information, creating a strong experience that resonates personally. I then (consciously and subconsciously) deeply process this information storing it for a later date.

By having the additional information from multiple senses and deeply processing it, I’m better equipped to follow my intuition in a future similar experience. When like-situations arise, I don’t need to mull anything over. I’ve already done the analyzing. I can quickly make a decision and move on.

Since I perceive things stronger when I associate experiences with how they make me feel, my intuition arises more in something that I just know rather than in a gut feeling. My brain doesn’t need to send the signals to the nerve cells in my ENS prompting a feeling to arise. I’ve already felt all I need to feel to come to a decision.

Let me give you an example…

Dating. 🙄 When someone I know recommends I date someone, and I flat out say, “No, I’m not interested.” Follow-up remarks usually go something like this, “How do you know? You never gave him a chance. You never know until you try.” The thing is though, I do know.

Either from past interactions with the potential suitor or based on information provided to me about the potential suitor, I’ve already come to a conclusion about this guy. It’s nothing against him personally. It’s just that I pick up on all these subtle details in my interactions with people and invest a lot of time and emotion into processing those details.

When I learn about or interact with a potential suitor and I either consciously or subconsciously associate his traits to past experiences with himself or other people, I don’t need to “take a chance” on dating him. I’ve already invested energy on a like-person and determined they’re not worth my time (in a romantic capacity or otherwise), so why would this guy be? But again, it is nothing against him personally. For better or worse, this is just how my brain processes information.

Of course, our intuition isn’t full proof, and I can be wrong. But intuition is more reliable in some areas than others such as forming first impressions, detecting deception, and detecting sexual orientation – all things that are very relevant and important when pursing a romantic relationship.

People have accused me of being judgmental, having high standards, and being cold-hearted when I decline the opportunity to date someone who is likely a really great guy. But if we take being judgmental (which is based on logic and reason), having high standards, and being cold-hearted and apply these qualities in business, I would be praised for my confidence and acumen.

The ability to know myself so well that I can react intuitively on personal matters is seen negatively when my ability to react intuitively in business is seen positively. It’s a shame that this is how society has shaped our perspectives. It’s no wonder we have a hard time being true to ourselves. Emotional intelligence is so undervalued. 😒

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by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Worth.

Normally, when I want something, I go after it to make it happen.  The problem is that sometimes you can only go so far until other people play a part in whether or not you can achieve your desired outcome.  I can work my ass off to get into a program, but I cannot force the board to choose me.  I can put forth the effort in a relationship, but I cannot force the other person to reciprocate.  

At some point, you have to analyze whether or not the things you want are actually worthy of your desire.  Sometimes this means walking away from something that you really want.

I recently made the decision that it would be best for me to walk away from something that I want.  Analyzing the situation, what I was receiving was not what I deserve.  Therefore, it was not worthy of my desire.  

Although I know the decision I made is best for me, there is still a lot of disappointment in not being able to achieve my desired outcome.  It’s frustrating to put the effort into something where it is not recognized or appreciated.  It hurts to not be seen by someone (and it is always someone) that you respect and admire, and maybe even love (if it’s a relationship).  

But the choice is clear.  I can either stay in this agreement being valued in limited capacity or I can walk away with dignity and faith someone else will see and appreciate my full value.  Even though I’m making the choice to walk away, there are still underlying feelings of rejection.  And rejection hurts, no matter which way I try and spin this.  

We can be blinded by things that we want and ignore signs devaluing our worth.  When I recognized signs, I made excuses and gave benefit of the doubt – which I think is fair, to some extent.  But when I noticed repeat patterns, it was then that I knew I needed to make a decision.

The decision comes with loss.  Loss of what I had and loss of hope for what it could have been.  There will be a grieving process, and that’s okay.  It means I took the chance on something of significance.  It took courage to try, and it takes self-respect to walk away. These are very strong qualities that need to be identified and embraced in order to avoid a shame storm.

It’s these hard decisions, these tough times, these risks taken, and these lessons learned that will inevitably increase my worth. What I contribute will be rewarding for a person that sees my full value. But more importantly, by not selling myself short, and giving myself the opportunity to be recognized and appreciated for my full value – it will. be. priceless.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Impeccable.

In the Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz defines impeccable as “without sin”.  

A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself.

Don Miguel Ruiz

Who we are has been shaped by the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those around us.  Most notably, our parents who have influenced our entire belief system since birth.  How do we know who we really are when so much of who we are has been influenced by others?  Their thoughts have become engrained in our minds as if they are our own.

Personally, I think this is why emotional intelligence and self-awareness is critical to our function.  Our bodies react to our emotions.  When we pay attention to what our bodies tell us, when we learn the contours of our emotions, we can decipher between what is right for us and what others think is right for us.  

We feel safe around the people we care about.  We value their opinions, beliefs, perspectives, and thoughts.  When we lean into these social connections to build or maintain relationships, it can be very difficult to disagree with them.  We all have an innate desire to belong.  If we disagree with those who are close to us, then we feel vulnerable, exposed, and isolated.  And it’s scary to be on the outside, especially of our innermost circle.

This has been, by far, the hardest part of my leadership journey.  

It’s not having disagreements in the sense of “I’m right and you’re wrong.”  It’s having disagreements in doing what is best for me that may go against the morals, values, opinions, judgments, and fears of those I am surrounded by.  

I’ve learned to pay deep attention to words that are spoken, actions that are taken, and patterns of behavior in the people around me.  So often, it is their own insecurities, fears, short-comings, or desires that are projected onto others, and I don’t even have to be a direct recipient to recognize it.

It is so incredibly difficult to spot weaknesses in people who have no idea these are weaknesses in themselves being projected onto the ones they care about.  Although I am thankful to be able to not accept these projections as my own, it feels quite lonely to not join the comfort of agreement. 

People look at the outsiders as weak or weird.  The outsiders are the ones I’ve come to admire most.  They are true to themselves.  They are courageous.  They are impeccable.  

Maya Angelou said:

You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

For the outsiders, the price is high in judgment, criticism, assumptions, and opinions from others.  These will hurt, no matter who you are.  But they don’t agree with the negative projections from others.  They belong to no place and no one, because they belong to themselves – wholly and completely, and freedom is their reward.  Doesn’t that just sound like a sacred place to be? (Hint: it is.)

But I’m still learning this.  I don’t yet feel free.  I still feel trapped in the web of morals, values, beliefs, opinions, fears, and judgments of those around me.  It’s like I’ve got one leg in the circle and one leg out.  But it’s not so much fear that is holding me back so much as it is the emotional reaction I feel to the disagreement. I feel sad for the other person.  

Sad that they:

  1. Have this insecurity or display criticism or judgement;
  2. They don’t recognize it;
  3. They’re unintentionally spreading it onto those they care about.

As much as I’d like to leave them in the circle while I step outside, part of me wants to join them in their misery.  Not because of I believe their projection about myself or them, but because I want them to see what I see.  I see potential.  I see beauty.  I see a good heart.  I see that they have nothing to feel insecure or afraid of and I want to walk them outside of the circle to live their own. impeccable. life.

And maybe that’s just exactly what makes leadership so hard.  It’s like saving someone from a rip tide.  Not only are you swimming and paddling to keep yourself afloat, but you’re swimming and paddling to keep someone else from going under too.  A leader has to have strength for more than just themselves. And I suppose that is why not everyone is cut out for the job.