by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Any Good.

Circumstances have arisen over the past several months that have caused me to re-evaluate certain relationships.  As a result, I’ve created new boundaries with people who I didn’t feel recognized my full worth.  These decisions did not come lightly, and I’m still having a hard time coping with the changes.

In only one of these circumstances was there a pretty clear cut of ties.  The others have been pretty much just my decision with no discussion about the state of the relationship.  In talking these changes out with a friend, she asked, “Why don’t you talk to them about it?”  And I responded, “It won’t do me any good.”  Then she asked, “Why do you think it won’t do you any good?”  I didn’t have an answer for her at the time, because it was something I just knew.  But I want to understand why this was something I just knew.

In Brené Brown’s podcast with Dr. Harriet Lerner, they talk about apologizing: how to apologize and why it matters.  Dr. Lerner said a few things that struck me:  

  • When you are apologizing, “focus on how you feel, not the other person’s crime sheet.” 
  • Do not ask for or demand an apology.  
  • If you need a response, then you are not ready for the conversation. (Basically, if you’re depending on the conversation to provide explanation, you’re on dangerous ground. I would argue, setting yourself up for disappointment.)

These statements kind of exactly sum up why I feel it won’t do me any good to talk things out with the people I’ve shifted my relationships.  

  1. I do not want an apology.  To me, it is clear that they are oblivious of how or how deeply they hurt me, and that is evident in their subsequent actions and behavior.  The apology (if I got one) wouldn’t be genuine.
  2. Since they are oblivious to how they’ve been treating me, pointing it out would just be calling out their crime.  In turn, they would get defensive and start slinging insults toward me.  They would feel accused rather than taking responsibility for their actions/behavior. As was said in the podcast, they would answer “blame with blame and shame with shame.”
  3. I’ve known some of these people a long time.  I know their attitudes.  I instinctively know what their responses would be if I brought the topic up in conversation based on past experiences.  (And I would be setting myself up for disappointment.)
  4. They’ve moved on, which shows me how little care they had invested in the first place. (In the situation and/or the relationship.)

With the people who I instinctively know how they’d respond, I’m actually having an easier time coming to terms with the new state of those relationships, over the one where ties were cut.  It goes to show me that if I instinctively knew that talking something difficult out with them wasn’t going to do anyone any good, then this behavior has been going on long enough for me to. be. intuitive. about it – which only gives me more confidence in my decision to shift the status of the relationships.

One might argue that I am also avoiding having tough conversations with people I supposedly care about. And that’s partly true. But I know my audience. When we know a road leads to a dead end, we don’t drive down it just to double check. In the relationship where ties were cut, I turned back when I saw the sign (literally and figuratively).

While each relationship shift has come with a sense of loss, there’s also a sense of empowerment behind the shift.

I’m garnering my strength and taking charge of how I want to be treated. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. Will they even notice I’ve become more distant? If so, will they care enough to question why? If not, at least, I will know where I stand. And that will likely be a hard truth to face.

With each of these relationships, I’m trying to accept ambiguity in closure. Relationships are matters of the heart. Although many of these relationships are still in tact, it’s the loss of the previous state of the relationship that I am grieving.

Defining these boundaries is a step toward living an impeccable life. I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone and braving the wilderness on my own. And it’s pretty F’ing scary. We. need. our. tribes.

But every hunter/gatherer leaves the tribe to find food and fiber. Right now, I am simply on the hunt for more fulfilling relationships. I’m hypersensitive to my surroundings (how I am being treated). And that’s okay. This is where we learn, we grow, and we test our skills. The better hunter I am, the better game I will capture. (Understanding how I want to be treated and establishing those boundaries upfront in a new relationship will bring a better quality of relationship.)

So, while I might think that it won’t do me any good to discuss the state of these relationships with others who are involved, that’s true in the sense of those particular relationships. But good will come in new relationships that get built, whether that’s on an existing foundation or an entirely new one.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Self-Betrayal.

I think most of us would agree that we are not in the practice of self-betrayal.  We don’t intentionally do things or make decisions that would purposefully bring us harm.  Except we do make decisions that unintentionally do bring us harm.

When we are presented with a choice, we have the option of honoring our morals, values, beliefs, desires, etc. or betraying them.  When you make the “right” decision, there are usually positive side effects.  When you make the “wrong” decision, it can lead to all sorts of negative effects.

I was recently presented with a choice.  A very big decision had to be made and there were a lot of moving parts.  I chose to move forward, because I didn’t want to be excluded and let other people down.  While there were definitely benefits to being involved, deep down, from the very beginning, I knew this was not what I wanted.  

Guilt is a feeling generated by personal accountability for making a poor decision.  Shame is a feeling of not enough, that we are flawed and unworthy.  Not only did I feel guilty for choosing to move forward, but I also spiraled through a shame storm.  There were constant reminders that this was not what I wanted, and the toll of each of those reminders shamed me into emotional turmoil.  I was ignoring all of the red flags. 🚩

This was a very big lesson for me in learning to live impeccably.  I went against everything I knew to do, because I was too afraid to step outside the security of my circle.  But not only that, I was feeling guilted and shamed for wanting to step outside my circle!  There’s a lot more to this story, and the intentions on both sides were genuinely good.  But either choice in this decision led to hurt. This was a really shitty position to be in. Ultimately, my choices were these:

  1. Be involved – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future but not hurt the people I care about.
  2. Not participate – Make a big sacrifice for myself in the beginning knowing that there will be small self-betrayals in the future and hurt the people I care about.

After lots and lots, and lots of thinking, I chose to stay true to my commitment, even though it really wasn’t what I wanted.  The initial hurt will fade, and I will be less angry over time.  There will be discomforts along the way, but I’m choosing to believe that they will be moments to test my growth.  

I believe I made the “right” decision, because my heart was in the right place. If I was going to hurt myself either way, I might as well hurt myself and not hurt the people I care about.

Choosing to participate actually gave me more control over the situation. If I hurt the people I care about, I can’t control how they manage their emotions, and relationships could suffer. But I know I have the strength to manage my emotions. Although it hurts like hell, relationships are still in tact. While they may take on a different shape in the future, I am choosing to create those boundaries.

So often I write about the power of choice, and the ability to control what you can control.  At some point though, we are faced with a decision that isn’t good for anyone.  At the time, will you choose to be selfish or selfless?  

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Fine Lines.

I find it ironic that it’s sometimes the people who are against talking about feelings or self-reflecting that are the most emotional.  In business, it can be challenging for subordinates or colleagues to approach these people with constructive feedback.  It’s waiting until that person is in the right mood, reading the situation, treading lightly, and being deliberate with the words you say.  While this typically applies in any situation, some (people and situations) are more sensitive than others. 

When developing new relationships, personally or professionally, the same approach applies.  We walk fine lines.  It’s not until a level of trust builds that we can be more direct.  We often don’t really care so much about hurting a family member’s feelings.  We will “tell them like it is” because sometimes “the truth hurts” and “it has to be said.”

Everyone has a different communication style, and there are 4 specific ones that most people refer to (information is readily available with a Google search):

  1. Passive – Indifferent, yielding to others; fail to express feelings or needs, allowing others to express themselves, lack of eye contact.
    • “It doesn’t matter.”
  2. Aggressive – Emphasized by speaking in a loud and demanding voice, intense eye contact; issue demands and rudely ask questions; fails to listen to others.
    • “I’m right, and you’re wrong.”
  3. Passive-Aggressive – Passive on the surface but may fill powerless or stuck within, building up resentment; do not confront a person or issue; difficulty acknowledging their anger; may give silent treatment or talk about someone behind their back.
    • “That’s fine, but don’t be surprised if someone else isn’t okay with it.”
  4. Assertive – Open communication without being overbearing; can express own needs and desire while considering others; aim for a win/win situation.
    • “Agree to disagree.”

I think we all use these different communication styles depending on the situation, but we definitely have a preferred style.  Several years ago, I probably would have been a passive communicator and preferred to be communicated with in any style but aggressive.  Today, I’m much more of an assertive communicator and prefer to be communicated with in an assertive style.  I like expectations to be laid out upfront.  I want to understand the purpose of the conversation, and the intent of the person speaking.  

I was reading a book awhile back that talked about romance, specifically, how courtship has shifted.  Today, when we court someone, communication is usually via text and asking someone on a date is more “Wanna hang out?” Well, “Wanna hang out?” can mean any sorts of things to many different people.  It’s a very passive invitation.  

Courtship used to mean calling a landline, maybe even leaving a message 😱, and asking someone out on a date, specifically for the purpose of dating.  You walk a fine line when getting to know someone as it is.  You want to be forthcoming but not too forward.  You want to be inquisitive but not intrusive.  You want to be supportive but not clingy.  There are so many uncertainties during this phase of courtship.  We make it more complicated by passively putting ourselves out there verses assertively putting ourselves out there.  We’ve stopped actually putting our heart on that fine line we’re walking.

We are constantly walking a fine line, both in our personal and our professional lives.  Because either way, you are developing a relationship.  As I said, some people and some situations are more sensitive than others.  Whether a person is emotional or not, how we approach a situation and the words we choose can dramatically affect the message and the impact of a conversation.  It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.

The medium is the message.

Marshall McLuhan

Perhaps, this is why I’m so judgmental when a guy texts me before calling. A passive “We should hang out.” text message is far less impressive than an assertive in-person “Would you like to go on a date?” Expectation is clear, and intent is clear.

I feel like you have a better chance of not being rejected in-person, because you have all the non-verbal cues to know whether that person is interested or not. But I understand the vulnerability that comes with taking that chance in-person. It’s my head and my heart coming from two different places. But the only way to not set myself up for disappointment is to lay them both on the line.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Happiness.

Philosophers caution against focusing on happiness as the ultimate good in life, and I tend to agree.  Happiness is subjective; it’s not a constant.  I think we’ve put happiness on this unobtainable pedestal. It’s something that we haven’t actually defined for ourselves as individuals, and we strive for an unrealistic, curated ideal (however it is we perceive that ideal).  Basically, we really don’t even know what we are searching for. 

What we talk about in our culture as happiness is really kind of a revved-up version of happiness. It’s a high-energy [state] — scientists call it a high-arousal positive affect. It’s a feeling, it’s transient, it’s not quality of life, it’s not so many things.

Dr. Laurie Helgoe, The Introvert Entrepreneur

Happiness is an emotion, and emotions are fleeting.  I think a more realistic target for measuring good in life is our overall well-being.

Research has determined 6 dimensions of well-being.  People rank either high or low (defined as high):

  1. Self-Acceptance – positive attitude toward self;
  2. Positive Relations with Others – concerned about the welfare of others; willing to compromise to sustain important ties;
  3. Autonomy – independent, evaluates self by personal standards, resists social pressures;
  4. Environmental Mastery – controls external activities and makes use of surrounding opportunities;
  5. Purpose in Life – has goals and a sense of direction, feels there is meaning to life past and present, holds beliefs and objectives;
  6. Personal Growth – continued development and expansion, open to new experiences, notices improvement in self and behavior.

Life is so. much. more. than just. being. happy.  Failures, negative emotions, disappointing outcomes – all these “bad” things further define the purpose and meaning of our lives.  These aren’t happy things, but they do lead to happiness.  

In high school, I tried out for the softball team and didn’t make it, which made me sad.  But I saw it as an opportunity to work on my skills.  I became stronger, faster, and more knowledgeable about the sport.  I had to put forth more effort using several of the dimensions listed above.  I didn’t try out again the following year, because I got asked to play for an elite travel ball team. The failure actually led to more positivity in my well-being.

Even when present in exemplary lives, philosophers construe happiness not as an end in itself but a byproduct of other, more noble pursuits.

(source)

I’ve been facing an uphill climb the past few months.  I’ve faced several losses, some more significant than others.  Nonetheless, all left me grieving or feeling defeated in some way. Even through these tough times, I recognize that God is working in my life for good reason.  I am becoming stronger and more resilient.  This is character building.  

I have by no means been feeling happy, but overall, I still maintain a positive well-being.  I recognize storms may never stop coming – but neither do the rainbows! 🌈 We can’t judge our life solely on the storms or solely on the rainbows.  Without one, you can’t have the other.  

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Trust.

I once saw a meme that said, “Dating is getting to know someone until you realize you don’t like that person anymore.”  I mean, how true is that statement though? 😬 It’s kind of sad when you really think about it.  You invest time, energy, and emotion in someone until you ultimately discover that person is not worth your time, energy, and emotion.

There are a lot of great things about being single, don’t get me wrong.  The freedom is undeniably one of the best aspects of it.  But the dating part is hard.

First, choosing the person you want to date.  Not just anyone will set off the “cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that accompanies the exciting first phase of love.  The person we select has to smell right, feel right, look right, and be just right in our arms.  Then, and only then, will the cascade get started.” – John Gottman, Ph.D

Once we choose that person (which I think is a conscious and subconscious decision), our brain releases several chemicals that have enormous influence on our judgment and affection.  These chemicals include a natural form of amphetamine, dopamine, pheromones, and oxytocin.  Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined this phase of love as “limerence”.  Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession typically experienced by an involuntary strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.

It is our biological makeup that reacts to the people we are attracted to.  We cannot control the release of these chemicals, which is what makes the initial phase of relationships so intoxicating and exciting.  Then we enter the make it or break it phase of the relationship: Building Trust. 

This is where we discover we may not really like that person after all.  Some of those feel good chemicals have worn off, our blinders are no longer up, and we start to see this person for who they really are.

As we navigate through learning whether or not our partner can be trusted, we experience feelings of frustration, disappointment, sadness, and exasperation.  If healthy, positive conflict discussions ensue, the relationship has a better likelihood of working.  If blaming arguments occur, well, it’s the opposite. 

In animal research, scientists found that oxytocin and vasopressin are two chemicals associated with lifelong pair-bonding among prairie voles.  Prairie voles have high levels of oxytocin; they mate for life.  In a study, when scientists blocked the oxytocin receptors, the animals no longer formed monogamous bonds and tended to roam.

Oxytocin has been called “the love hormone” or “the cuddle hormone” because it plays an important role in forming attachments.  Our style of attachment (secure or insecure) as adults is rooted in how we bonded with caregivers as infants and children, namely our mother.  When you hold an infant, they wiggle in your arms to find comfort.  Once they find it, they put the whole weight of their body on you.  They give you com.plete. trust. with their being.  They feel safe and secure.

The building of trust is about having your partner’s best interests in mind and at heart.

John Gottman

In Trust Factor: The Science of Creating High-Performance Companies, Paul Zak describes the chemical reactions in our brains on how we respond to challenges and how trust is created.  In rodents, oxytocin has been shown to signal that another animal was safe to approach.  In an experiment conducted by Zak’s team, they found that oxytocin tended to reduce the fear of trusting a stranger.

Challenge stresses, (a difficult but achievable task), releases oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.  Chemicals that intensify your focus and strengthen social connections.  In dating, this would probably be “the chase”.

Ultimately, you cultivate trust by setting a clear direction, giving people what they need to see it through, and getting out of their way.

Paul Zak

This comes down to expectations, communication, and feedback.  Not only are these typically weak areas in businesses, but also just in day-to-day relationships with coworkers, friends, family, and romantic partners.  

What’s interesting to me about all of this is that it goes to show that whether you are in a romantic or professional relationship with someone, our chemical reactions to building trust are essentially the same.  Healthy and positive conflict discussions in either type of relationship will see more success.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Appreciation.

Life has been an uphill climb lately.  And yeah, I’ve been complaining.  It’s natural, right? 😬 But I also recognize that you don’t reach a peak of the mountain without first walking through the valley.  

For the past 4 months, it has literally been one thing after another, and it’s taken me on an emotional roller coaster.  There have been essentially 7 significant events that have each taken me down a notch (or several). 

While I’ve been able to lean on people who care about me for support, there is still something missing that’s left me feeling unfulfilled.  So, I’ve been doing what I do: completely analyzing these situations to find the root of what has me feeling defeated and less than.

And here’s that I think it comes down to: appreciation.  We all have this innate desire to feel seen and heard.  And while I have received “thank you” or “I appreciate you” comments, some haven’t felt truly genuine, nor has the appreciation equated to the toll each situation has taken on me.  The scale is still weighed more negatively. 

Psychological research has shown that when people are perpetually in a situation where they are ignored, this causes real emotional pain, and that in turn will cause physical problems caused by the stress of being ignored on an ongoing basis.

(source)

If I’m being honest, this is where I feel I am.  It’s not that I feel I’ve been completely ignored, but I don’t feel I’ve been truly seen either.  What’s more is that a few of these situations have prompted me to re-evaluate relationships, adding to the feelings of loneliness and loss.  Not only am I enduring the stress of each situation compounded, but also the stress of not feeling seen or heard in each situation compounded.  

But I can’t recognize this problem without also finding a solution.

This made me think about the 5 Love Languages.  How someone expresses love is essentially the same way he or she express appreciation.  If we can apply this to romantic relationships, why wouldn’t the same concept apply to professional relationships too?

Turns out, the same people who wrote the 5 Love Languages also wrote a book about the 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.  And you know what?  They’re the same!  (I’m really not that surprised by this. 😏)  Here’s what appreciation in the workplace looks like:

  1. Gifts – Lunch or a bonus
  2. Acts of Service – Actions speak louder than words (actual help)
  3. Quality Time – Undivided attention (real active listening)
  4. Words of Affirmation – Expression of genuine gratitude
  5. Physical Touch – Strong handshake or pat on the back

My mentor gave me quality time and words of affirmation. She validated my feelings and encouraged me to make some moves. The friend who avoided our conversation left me feeling ignored and unappreciated. One made me feel seen and heard (in limited capacity) while the other definitely did not.

Receiving appreciation in any capacity is external and not within my control.  I can’t force someone to genuinely and authentically show me they care.  I think that’s what makes it so meaningful when someone does. But it also comes back to recognizing small wins, because we don’t always receive appreciation in grand gestures.