by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Biggest Lesson of the Year.

Last year, I shared a biggest lesson of the year. As I aim to do the same this year, I don’t even know where to start. The past almost year and a half has been a true test of my hope and my faith. I have been able to label behaviors, see them in action, recognize patterns, and truly identify what is within my capability to control. As a result, I deeply questioned my relationships, my purpose, and my worth.

I can’t even say I was shaken to my core, because my core was shaken too. It is soul crushing to feel your life has been turned completely upside down, with everything emptied out of it. But, there’s also an element of gratitude, because you know that you’re strength training, building resilience. You no longer live in ignorance. You just know that you are leveling up to a more meaningful and fulfilling life. And that comes with learning some really hard lessons along the way.

If you’ve been following along for a while, you know that I have a thing for language and communication. Some examples I’ve posted about in the past include:

You also know that I believe human connection is what gives us purpose, and the way we connect is through verbal and non-verbal communication. So what does it mean when our communications fail? We lose connection. Just like a dropped call.

Communication is far more complicated than we realize. We 💯 take it for granted. So many people do not say what they mean or mean what they say, and we, as a society, have accepted this as normal. 

My biggest lesson of the year piggybacks on top of that concept. It is something that we’ve heard over and over and over, but this year, it resonated with me so. damn. loudly. And it is that actions speak louder than words. 

Ooof. I cannot tell you how hard this hits for me right now – for multiple reasons. And one of those reasons is that I’m guilty of failing in this too. What’s worse – if I’m being completely honest, sometimes the failure is intentional, which means I didn’t have the courage to initially speak my truth. But there’s more. Sometimes actions can be misinterpreted too. 

See? Complicated.

Like, I recognize that I have hyper awareness around communication, so these things probably bother me way more than it bothers other people. But as communication senders, we have a responsibility to ensure our message is delivered to the receiver, as we intended. There’s also usually an actionable follow-up that occurs upon transmission, that we fail to implement.  

 Let me give you an example:

I used to have a boss who was no.tor.i.ous for not returning phone calls. Everyone chalked it up to it just being “the way he is.” But as this guy’s subordinate, I felt like I was pestering him. If I was calling him, it was because I needed help. I wasn’t just calling to shoot the shit. There was a purpose. By not calling me back, his action told me that the purpose that was important to me was not important to him. Why would I want to work for someone who doesn’t think what I do is important? Who doesn’t seem to think that I am important?

Minor shit like this happens all the time. Maybe I’m the only one who pays attention to these little things. But they add up to become big things. Do you think I talk to that boss anymore? No. We lost our connection.

A lot of what we think about ourselves is tied to the feedback we receive from the people around us. While I know that someone not returning a call isn’t necessarily tied to their feelings about me, there is a conscious or subconscious choice not to click my name when the missed call is seen. And that’s what gets me. Because in repeated behavior, at some point, the decision does become intentional. Then they are choosing not to make time for you. And if they don’t consider you worth your time, why should you consider them worth yours?

Granted, I’m speaking generally and all circumstances are different. I think we are more accepting of people’s shortcomings when we love them. And at work, we typically don’t have a choice but to deal with it. This is also why I think we have accepted it as normal to not mean what we say and say what we mean.

In 2024, I didn’t work much and I didn’t have romantic love in my life. For better or worse, I really got to pay attention to all the simple and subtle ways people fail to communicate. Even though I know it’s not truly a reflection of me, it became hard not to take the feedback personally due to the sheer frequency in which it occurs, by the same person or by many people.

My goal for 2025 is mixed. I want to go into with awareness, but not hyper awareness. I want to hold people accountable for what they say, but within reason. And I want to be more conscious of what I communicate and how I communicate, and I pray for the courage to vulnerably speak my truth.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Silver Linings in the Storm.

It’s been about 8 months since I’ve been here, writing from the heart. My break was not due to lack of content. While it is not unusual for me to be vulnerably honest in my struggles, I didn’t like the tone of what I was creating. I didn’t want it to sound as though I was crying out for help or attention. Because neither of those were the reality. 

The reality is something I had never experienced before. This past year has made me question a lot in my life. The people in it. My purpose. What is fulfilling. 

When I quit my job last year, I had a feeling my life was going to flourish. What I did not expect was for my world to implode. Initially, I did not consider that sometimes you have to tear the house down to its foundation in order to build it back better and stronger, more durable, and with a refreshed aesthetic. 

That’s what this last year has been. A slow, arduous tearing down of what I had created and what I had become. Not that any of it was bad, per se. But I’ve dug deeper than I’ve ever done, and I discovered many new things about myself and my life. You realize that you’ve been operating a certain way for so long, that you didn’t recognize there is a better way to function. 

More than that, I’ve somewhat enjoyed the solitude. Much of the noise has been blocked out, albeit, not by choice. While I would like to say it has allowed me to hear my own voice more loudly and clearly, that’s not really the case. My voice has been clouded by negativity, pessimism, and helplessness. 

As you know, I believe God gives us breadcrumbs, small clues that lead us down certain pathways to our future. Those breadcrumbs have led me down numerous roads with dead ends and detours. My future is seemingly moving forward through a process of elimination. It’s been a lot of disappointment, a lot of rejection, and a lot of insecurity. The journey has been a lot longer than anticipated, and I am tired. 

But I also know the only way out is to keep on going. I will continue to muster up strength, motivation, and confidence, because I do know that good things lie ahead. 

Don’t get me wrong, though, I can see silver linings in this storm. There are people who have stepped up. There have been valuable lessons learned. And more importantly, love has come my way once again.

by : lacylit10 Politics

Expectations vs. Reality in Public Service and Leadership

“Never trust a politician.” This was something I remember hearing growing up from nearly every elder in my family. With that firm belief tucked inside my brain, I never thought I would engage in politics as an adult. For better or worse, here I am, engaging with politics.

Essential Qualities of Effective Leaders

Begrudgingly, I have to give credit to those who choose to serve in public office. Just being on the peripheral, I find it to be, more often than not, infuriating and draining. There are many qualities that someone in a position of leadership should possess. Most leadership experts consider self-awareness to be the most critical. Empathy, humility and integrity are a few others.

In my experience working with local elected officials (and observation of state and federal officials), very few demonstrate all of these qualities. Many don’t seem to possess a single one. There are others who draw on certain leadership characteristics depending on the issue, the audience and the need. And while I would normally commend a leader for doing such, these characteristics should be demonstrated in continuity. The unpredictability of their leadership behaviors can be perceived as two-faced and untrustworthy, coming off as self-serving rather than others-serving.

Constituent Representation, Accountability

Politicians are elected by constituents. They report to the people. Seemingly, candidates view a majority vote as a popularity contest, a testament to how much they are liked. The victory inflates their ego, and they “serve” the people with very little meaningfully constructive feedback and essentially nonexistent disciplinary action. People look to them for help, and they tend to develop a bit of a “Savior Complex,”when it is not warranted or justified.

Even if I do not name names, I am not comfortable publicly sharing some of my negative experiences. They know who they are and what they have said or done to make me question their ability to be a competent and respected leader for our community. What is seemingly worse, though, is even that public admission may jeopardize my working relationship with them. Apparently, their conscience cannot handle the guilt. As I have learned from those who tried before me, retaliation does not necessarily come in the form of a denied project. But it can come in the form of stealth defamation or a refusal to take a meeting.

Where is their accountability?

At any level of government, when it becomes us versus them, I think it’s safe to assume who will win and which power will reign. But I think for some of us, it’s not so much about winning or losing. It’s not a matter of punishment or litigation (unless unlawful and unethical activity accounts for it). 

For me, at least, it comes down to those leadership characteristics. Tell the truth. Admit you’re wrong. Treat me with the same respect in which you expect to be treated. Don’t be condescending. Don’t lead me to believe one thing and then do another.

Balancing Public Service, Personal Integrity

Humble up and know your place. Put your ego aside and recognize that you have chosen to be a public servant. That requires taking criticism. It requires listening to a lot of opinions and juggling many different priorities. It requires talking to people you don’t like about subjects that make you uncomfortable.

It’s unfortunate that some of our most basic life lessons seemingly get forgotten once elected.

Also published in Noozhawk.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Self and Tolerance.

The problem with becoming self-aware is that you begin to notice all the wrongs. What I mean is that your triggers seem to increase as you recognize how traits and behaviors of others impact you. Even more, you begin to realize that you have unknowingly accepted a level of treatment that you now know is unhealthy for you.

As a leader, we are sometimes required to tolerate things that we wouldn’t normally tolerate. Whether it be in your home life or your work life, there is undoubtedly someone that you accept poor treatment from because you have to. And I say “have to” because it may not be immediately feasible for you to leave the relationship (e.g., financial limitations of quitting a job or familial repercussions of defriending a sibling). When we feel this strain in a relationship, how do we know when we are stretching our leadership muscles versus sacrificing self?

Discomfort occurs either way.

Does it come down to severity of discomfort (e.g., some is stretching, a lot is sacrifice)? Or does sacrifice equate to snapping from stretching too much?

We can’t just up and leave a relationship every time it gets hard. Relationships take work, no matter the type. We have to be flexible with one another for the relationship to adapt to individual growth, and effort put forth should be balanced and symbiotic in order for the relationship to be sustainable.

So does sacrifice result from a one-sided or inequal commitment?

I don’t know that there is an easy answer or an answer at all. Maybe it all comes down to tolerability. What may be stretching in a relationship to one might be sacrificing to another. One person might put in a month’s worth of effort and call it good; others might put years into making the relationship work. It also comes down to importance of the relationship. If it is a spouse or loved one, then we will likely give it more time and effort than if it is a colleague or employee.

In any instance, tolerating unhealthy treatment is, well, unhealthy. That is why so many experts in leadership stress the importance of self-care. The better you care for yourself the more you can tolerate others!

Unfortunately, many of us do not give ourselves the care we truly need. And it’s hard to explain your needs to people who do not understand or empathize with the toll being a leader can have on oneself. Just as tolerance varies per person, so does quality and quantity of self-care. As we increasingly recognize the traits and behaviors of others and their impacts on us, we need to hone awareness of our own needs and care for ourselves as we care for others – if not more.

Leadership is a gift that often goes unrecognized and unappreciated. Don’t make it harder on yourself by ignoring your self.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Politics.

Leadership is about rising above our lower self.  Leaders set aside their own discomfort to make something more bearable for the other person.  This creates the opposite of divide. It creates connection. And that’s been proven in psychology and neuroscience.

I haven’t watched much of the political debates, because I don’t need to – nor do I want to.  All the debates seem to be is a blame and shame game anyway.  We don’t need more of that in our polarized society.  We need leaders who say, “I’m sorry Mr. Presidential Nominee that you feel I haven’t done enough for the American people.  But let me tell you how I plan to help them when I get elected into office.” Blame and shame only adds fuel to the fire.  This answer acknowledges their feelings as legitimate and stifles the negative energy, then shifts the narrative to a hopeful future for the American people. (Where it should be.)

But this is typical politics. 🙄 An unfortunate circumstance is that we watch this unfold and mimic their behavior.  If people in positions of power and influence answer blame with blame and shame with shame, then that must be okay.  Then the people who look up to us see us demonstrating this behavior and assume that it’s okay.  It all filters downward.

I have several friends whose political beliefs firmly oppose my own.  I value these friendships, because they offer me perspective.  We can tease one another, but we never blame and shame.  We understand each other as people with good hearts, who want the best for this country. 

Best is subjective on so many factors in our individual lives.  If I can appreciate all those factors that created this unique human being who brings value to my life on all sorts of other levels, then I need to appreciate that those factors led him or her to their political beliefs too. You can’t have one without the other. We should be accepting of each other whole, perceived flaws and all.

I was once seeing this guy, and we were in that phase where you’re more than just friends but not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend.  The relationship was kind of at a standstill in this space, so I asked, “Where are we going with this relationship?” And he responded, “What relationship?”

First of all, that answer told me ev.er.y.thing. I needed to know about where he stood (and consequently, where I stood). Needless to say, that ended. 😂

He had such a close-minded view. A relationship exists with every person in which we interact. (Remember intimate, relational, and community?) Relationship itself is a noun. It’s a thing, right? But it requires action to make it a thing. Without connecting, binding, or relating, the relationship doesn’t exist. You’re just left with separate things.

Leadership starts with oneself. We can’t judge our politicians for answering blame with blame and shame with shame when we do the same thing. If we don’t like the polarization within our society, then we need to reflect on how we are contributing to it. There is a reason why people say, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” But realistically, we can’t do it alone.

In the day-to-day, most of us don’t interact with the Presidential Nominees. Most of us don’t even interact with our local elected officials. A relationship doesn’t really exist, unless you choose to pursue one. (Which I encourage you to do!) But elections do give you an interactive opportunity. And relationships do exist with your peers.

Show up in these relationships. Be an active participant. When there’s a mutual understanding and joint effort, together you make relationships work. And generally speaking, isn’t that just kind of how elections work? You show up to the polls, you communicate via your ballot, and collective voices influence the future of your relationship with government.

So don’t just be a thing! Engage! Be humble, and be kind. 💖

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Rise Above.

Lately, I’ve been having a hard time keeping my mouth shut.  Having made sacrifices for people who don’t acknowledge or appreciate how I’m hurting myself for their benefit has been tolling.  So badly, I want to just yell at them and say, “You did this!  You didn’t do that!  You are this way!  It is your problem!”  I’ve had to muster up a lot of strength to not blame and shame.  

In the age of social media, moving on from people who have hurt us can be difficult.  With each post that pops up on our feed, it is a painful reminder of what could have, should have, was or isn’t.  Being the stubborn person that I am, I refuse to unfollow.  I don’t want to give that person satisfaction to know I am still hurting.  (If it’s even noticed. 🙄)  I’m trying to acknowledge our lives go on and be happy for that person separate from me, (because deep down I know it’s for the best).  Still, a bitter taste resides in my mouth.  I think of all the self-work it’s taken me to accept what is, only to see them rather easily and happily moving on without me.  I must not have been as important to them as they were to me.

But I know this isn’t true.  They could easily say the same about me.  What we see on social media is curated.  I don’t post my dark days online and neither do most other people.  

Sometimes we forget that these unhappy reminders happen IRL too.  We run into someone we’ve parted with in the most unexpected of places.  We stumble through awkward hellos and good to see yous only for it to remind us of the good times we had that have now been lost.  We walk away feeling melancholy, possibly in a bit of shock, and ultimately try to collect ourselves from the social-emotional connection wall we just hit.  Whether the demise of the relationship was good or bad often seems irrelevant in these situations.  At some point, this person was important to us, and our memory almost automatically floods with feelings of good.  We have to remind ourselves that the relationship ended for a reason, and that we are better off a part.

Reminders of relationships past are almost unavoidable.  Some relationships end, and you will eventually run into that person again.  Some relationships end, and the relationship takes a different form.  Some relationships end, and you will never see or hear of that person again.  Some relationships end, and your world will never be the same without them.

When a relationship is lost due to death, sometimes the reminders of this person comes in all of these forms: A memory pops up on our Facebook feed; an old acquaintance you run into asks how that person is doing; and a possessional item holds significant emotional value.  

It is the people we connect with that brings meaning and purpose to our lives.  When relationships end, the fulfillment brought to our lives from that person does not diminish too.  We have learned and grown from that person, that relationship, and that brings a deeper purpose to our being after the relationship, just as it did during the relationship.

Sometimes, we have to let go of relationships before we feel ready; our head and our heart can be in two different places.  This is when it’s hard to accept ambiguity in closure.  I think seeking closure is a lot like seeking an apology.  We want someone else to take responsibility for their part.  When they fail to recognize how they’ve contributed to the problem or the demise of the relationship, we have to rise above our lower self.  We have to resist the urge to say, “You did this!  You didn’t do that!  You are this way!  It is your problem!”

But let’s be real, this can be really F’ing hard.

What we need to remember is that there isn’t always an immediately better view when we take the high road. The terrain may actually be steeper and more difficult to navigate. The journey can be longer.

We were put on this planet to serve one another. Sure, it may be easier to stoop to a lower level. But stooping to that level of answering blame with blame and shame with same isn’t making the situation better for anyone. The other person may not have the emotional strength and intelligence to rise above their lower self. While we may not immediately feel better rising above our lower self, it’s actually putting a stop to the blame and shame cycle – which is better for everyone in the long run. ✨