by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Growth.

I am all for holding people accountable, and I am skeptical of people who change their minds. But we don’t know what we don’t know, until we know. Quite frankly, I live in fear over the things I post online. When and how will it come back to haunt me? Nothing is safe anymore.

It seems that people neglect context. They jump to conclusions. They make immediate judgments and assumptions. And that’s fine, it is natural human behavior. It takes practice to be aware of when we are making judgments and assumptions, then overcome our initial reactive feelings. But it is the second step that is critical in how we interact with each other and form conclusions.

Take the short food safety videos I do on Instagram, as an example. You cannot and should not come to a conclusion on the safety of your food in one 2-3 minute video. Not even a series of 2-3 minute videos can begin to cover the complexity of efforts taken amongst our food supply chain.

But this is exactly what we do. We see a short video or quote or paraphrase, and we base our entire belief on something with just a fragment of information. We take so many things at face value.

But it goes beyond that. If we’re not changing, we’re not learning, and we’re not growing.

I recently saw something online that said “Trying to hurt me by bringing up my past is like trying to rob my old house. I don’t live there anymore.” I am an entirely different person today than I was 10 years ago, and definitely different than the 16 year old I was 20 years ago. So. much. life. has been lived between then and now. Unless I have done something ethically wrong, should I be held accountable for personal decisions made in the past?

We all take our own specific journey, and that includes making our own mistakes and learning our own lessons. We do not know the mental state of a person that led them to make their decisions. We do not know their past and their trauma. (And everyone has trauma no matter how small it may seem to someone who has suffered more severely.)

Today, we pick up our cell phones and record complete strangers for actions without their knowledge and post it on the internet without their permission. What if that person had been abused by their spouse before the angry outburst? We drudge up information from people’s pasts and try to hold them accountable to today’s societal standards, when the environment is completely different. Then when we can’t hold them accountable, we humiliate them and shame them.

This behavior is being normalized and promoted as acceptable. It. is. terrifying. People learn from their mistakes, but we aren’t letting nature take it’s course. Instead, we are taking it into our own hands to ensure that individual is punished by a means that we see fit. We aren’t letting the past that people have learned from stay in the past. We are forcing them to relive what might be painful experiences.

We tell children not to bully each other online or offline, yet, we, as grown ass adults, do exactly what we tell them not to. We ruin people’s lives without context. We ruin people’s lives based on fragments of information. We ruin people’s lives based on past decisions they may be trying to move on from.

I try to be honest with what I post here. I do not know everything. As I say in my intro, some people may consider me an expert in food safety. Yes, I may know a lot more than most people, but I know a hell of a lot less than others. And everyday, I am learning more.

How I handle a food safety crisis today may be different than how I would have handled it 5 years ago. But that doesn’t make how I handled it 5 years ago wrong. Since then I’ve gained knowledge and experience, regulation has changed, and the environment has changed. We all start somewhere. Can I be punished for something today that I did 5 years ago when I acted to the best of my ability given the knowledge and experience I had at that time?

The ability to learn from our mistakes and build upon our experiences is how we grow. Genuinely good people who act poorly without malicious intent should not be so publicly humiliated and shamed for errors in judgement. It’s cruel. And if they are genuinely good people, they’re actions will not go without personal punishment.

You have to be vulnerable enough to share things about yourself to connect with people. We should not attack those with whom we do not relate, because we are not going to connect with everyone. When we do attack those with whom we do not relate, we push them into silence and create our own echo chambers. And we wonder why our society has become so polarized…🤨🤷🏻‍♀️

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Grief.

Suffering is part of human existence.  This is fact.  Every person in the world has lost something of significance and gone into a process of grieving.  Grief takes on different forms for different people.  Some numb pain; some deny through avoidance, and some lean into the pain.  Loss is unavoidable. 

Grief comes after loss, and psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross believed that there are 5 stages of grief.  They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There has been criticisms of this grief theory among social scientists.  I don’t love it or hate it.  I do think grief is a process, but I don’t necessarily think there is a structure (that we grieve in this consecutive order).  Grief affects us all differently, and we all manage it differently.  It is an incredibly powerful emotion that has physical, social, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual affects.  

David Kessler said, we lost the world as we know it because of COVID.  I don’t think it’s extreme to consider we as a collective society and we as individuals are experiencing grief due to the loss of our pre-COVID lives.

On a frustrating day, I live in COVID denial.  On a bad day, I live in COVID depression.  On a hopeful day, I live in COVID bargaining.  On a melancholy day, I live in COVID acceptance.  On a sad day, I live in COVID anger. 

Notice how I didn’t say “on a good day”?  Yeah, that was on purpose. 😔  It’s hard to see the good in grief.  COVID has fundamentally changed our society and that is having profound effects on our well-being.  We are culturally going through transformational change.  It has been abrupt, dramatic, problematic, and traumatic.  

While time may heal all wounds, scars are left behind – reminders of what we loss and subsequent negative emotions when we pay attention to those reminders.  But with COVID, at least for me, I guess I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.  A return to pre-COVID “normal” seems so far away.  We are six months into this global pandemic, and my wounds are still healing.   

I’m fortunate to understand what’s going on (for the most part).  I know myself well enough to know when I need special or extra care.  As someone who suffered from depression in the past, I know that I am in a vulnerable state.  I’ve had to make conscious and concerted efforts to give my mind, body, and soul the care it needs to sustain this discomfort for the foreseeable future.  

I feel like what makes the recovery part of COVID grief so difficult is that we do not have the outlets or ability to lean into the connections we desperately need to get us through these difficult times – at least in California. 😒 And what we are able to do, we must do with half our face covered – preventing us from receiving non-verbal cues from those with whom we communicate.

Like so many things we encounter in our lives, we often have a hard time accepting things for what they are when those things are beyond our control. While I logically understand this global pandemic, my emotional side is having a hard time coming to terms with it.

While I may not agree with the consecutive order in which we grieve, I do believe that acceptance is the last stage. Some days I accept COVID for what it is (on that particular day), but I have not accepted it for what it has done (personally and economically). I have not accepted the mental and behavioral health ramifications that are stemming from it (individually and collectively), nor have I accepted with the ability to move on.

Like scars from wounds that have healed, acceptance does not mean that all of our negative feelings magically disappear. Reminders still exist. When we push too hard, stitches can come undone. Infections can arise. We are. still. in. the healing process. Acceptance does not come within a specific timeframe. And even when the wounds have healed, sometimes it truly does become living in a “new normal.”

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Independent.

I was talking to a friend who asked, “Why would people think that I wouldn’t settle down?”

😬 That, is a loaded question, my friend.

While marriage and a family are important to him, he’s been self-reliant and independent for a very long time. He thinks he’s open with information, but he’s actually quite reserved. He tells you what you need to know (logically) and not much more (emotionally). He’s had relationships, but not real meaningful ones. And they’re not meaningful, because he defaults to independent and self-reliant behavior with no emotional vulnerability to build connection.

He thinks no one is going to do something as good as he’s going to do it, so why rely on someone else? He’s been able to manage things for himself for so long that he doesn’t need anyone else’s help.

I get it. Because it’s like looking in a F’ing mirror. (Remember when I said I’m an independent problem-solver? 🙄)

Our modern culture associates independence with strength and confidence. This can be dangerous, because it’s not reflective of our true nature as social creatures that depend on others. Society pressures us to do the exact opposite of what we actually need to do. We grow up believing that if we need each other, we are less than.

I don’t easily let people in. But it’s not so much a defense mechanism, as it has become a learned behavior. I can 100% count on myself in any situation. I can’t say the same for others. And this gets validated repeatedly.

If I have to remind a guy at work to do something more than once, he’s unreliable. If I keep putting my heart out there only to have it broken, it’s better to keep it locked up safely. If I keep getting shitty advice, it’s better not to talk to anyone. This isn’t rocket science. Einstein gets it and he was super smart:

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The thing is though: the guy at work is unreliable, but not every person I work with is. Men may break my heart, but not every man will. And if someone keeps giving me shitty advice, someone else will be more understanding.

Part of my struggle with learning to live impeccably is that I’ve begun to see more people in an unfavorable light. It’s not just the one person at work that’s unreliable; there’s multiple people. It’s not that men have broken my heart; it’s that there’s so few I’m even willing to give the opportunity. It’s not that people intend to give me shitty advice; it’s that I’ve outgrown their ability to successfully reach me.

Of course, these are things that I pretty much already knew. They’re just resonating a little more deeply lately. There’s good and bad to this. The bad is that it’s only further validating my presumption that self-reliant and independent behavior is best. The good is that I recognize this is bad. 😏

Now, the hard part is improving my own behavior. I cannot control any of these external factors, but I can control how I prevent or react to them. This has taken a lot of self-reflection and inner-work. It’s taken re-evaluating relationships and setting new boundaries.

If I’m being honest, it feels as though I’m just setting myself up for failure. And realistically, I kind of am. We have to take chances on people in order to build connections with them. We have to put ourselves out there with the risk we will be let down or hurt. Vulnerability is courageous, and it’s all just part of life.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Loneliness.

Why is it that loneliness seems to be an unacceptable sentiment in our society? Is it because we are social animals, and so long as we are around people we shouldn’t be lonely? What I think is ironic about this is that I’m willing to bet WAY more people feel lonely than are willing to admit. (And I’m not a gambler, I am that confident with my odds here.)

People tend to generalize emotions. I am victim of this too. I recently talked to a mentor/friend, and she said to me, “Lacy, you keep coming back to the injustices.” Internally, I was like, “Cool”, 😒 (in one ear and out the other), and kept explaining to her what I was going through and the circumstances of the situation. She repeated herself, “Lacy, you keep coming back to the injustices.”

There are underlying themes around our feelings. Here are a few examples:

  • Unmet expectations = Disappointment
  • Wanting what someone else has = Envy
  • Impending danger = Fear
  • Achieving a goal = Joy

What my mentor/friend was getting at was that I was using all of these examples to explain the emotion that I couldn’t just name, but I wasn’t even aware yet that I was feeling! 🤦🏻‍♀️

  • Injustice = Anger

She was right. I was angry over this issue. With each explanation, I was implying that the situation and circumstances weren’t fair to me. And I didn’t even realize it. Sometimes, we are so invested that we are not objective. This is when our social connections become critical. (More on that a few paragraphs down.)

My point is that so. many. people communicate the underlying theme of loneliness without identifying the true emotion.

Former Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Vivek Murthy believes that loneliness is a public health concern:

A root cause and contributor to many of the epidemics sweeping the world today from alcohol and drug addition to violence to depression and anxiety.

There are 3 Dimensions of Loneliness:

  1. Intimate – emotional connection: a deep bond of affection and trust
  2. Relational – social connections: quality friendships and support
  3. Collective – community connections: network of common interests or purpose

If you are feeling lonely, chances are your tank is running low on one (or more) of these connections. My mentor/friend fulfilled a relational need to get me through a difficult situation.

I cannot emphasize enough that humans are social creatures that depend on one another. These connections are critical to our function.

Looking at this through the lens of pandemic, it is likely that you are feeling lonely. Admittedly, I am. My tank is currently running low on all 3 dimensions. FaceTime does not replace face time.

There is no shame in the admission of loneliness or any other emotion society conceives as “bad.” This pandemic is going to have lasting effects on our psyches. Self-awareness is imperative, and our ability to identify our emotions will help us get through this thing long-term. ☀️

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Judgments & Assumptions.

I should have majored in Psychology.  Every time I ponder a subject for a post, I think about how the topic relates back to so many different emotions.  It takes me for.ev.er. to write a post because my thoughts are going a million different directions, and it’s hard to simplify into something you’d want to read.  (This is with the assumption that you actually find what I write interesting…)

For this post, I started thinking about assumptions.  I read somewhere, some place, that our brain compartmentalizes new information with like known information in order to help us process.  (That’s the gist of what I remember.  I read this a long time ago.)  But then I got to thinking about judgments, and why we tend to judge people.

Because I love analyzing and defining: (that’s totally not sarcastic btw):

judg·ment
/ˈjəjmənt/

1. the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.

as·sump·tion
/əˈsəm(p)SH(ə)n/

1. a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.

If I had to guess, and I truly mean guess, because I am not educated on the human brain, I would say that we judge someone based on compartmentalized previous information, then we assume that it’s accurate based on that compartmentalized previous information.  You follow?

Then this creates norms.  Norms are social expectations that guide behavior.

For example:

If we see someone with an oversized white t-shirt, sagging baggy jeans, tattoos, and a shaved head with a bandana, I’m going to judge that guy as a gangster and assume this is correct based on prior knowledge.  Then I’m going to alter my behavior based on my fear that gangsters are dangerous.

This is a societal norm because of how gangsters are typically portrayed in media, and in a lot of cases, IRL.  It is not racism; it is not discrimination. However, it is stereotyping which is an entirely different post.  (See, this is what I mean, one thing leads to another!)  This is just how our brains work – to the best of my knowledge.  Again, not formally educated on the subject.

You always hear that people are quick to judge others.  But maybe that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  The bad thing is assuming that judgment is correct.  Judgment is just helping us process what we see.  But just because we perceive it as we judge, that doesn’t mean we should assume it to be true.

Don’t get me wrong, I am t o t a l l y guilty of this. We can make judgments and assumptions based on what we see, but when 90% of the iceberg is below the water line, you have to be open-minded enough to possibly change what you assumed to be true – even if it goes against the norm.