by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Present, Mindful, and Intentional.

There are six posts sitting in my drafts that I’ve written since my last published post just over a month ago. Meaning: my thoughts are all over the place. Israel is at war. Taylor Swift is in another relationship. Matthew Perry died. Newsom went to China. Britney Spears released her memoir. There was a mass shooting and manhunt in Maine.

What a time to be alive. And I’m only saying that half sarcastically.

Things in my life are moving a bit slower than what appears to be happening in the outside world. While I still have stresses, it’s been quite refreshing to take time off. It feels like everything I’ve learned about myself and about others is settling in. I don’t need so much time to sit back and process things, as I feel like I’m actually living more moment to moment. Which is kind of surreal.

It’s the ultimate, right? To be present and mindful. I can be more intentional about where I exert my energy, because I don’t have a job essentially guaranteed to consume it. But I miss working. I miss the purpose and fulfillment it brings. I miss interacting with others. I miss feeling accomplished each day. And while I do have a few exciting things in the works, I miss the structure and routine of a daily role.

When I quit my job, I said it felt like I was breaking, like the rug was pulled out from beneath me and I fell to the floor. Someone said to me that I was basically being dramatic, and that simply one chapter was closing for another to open.

I actually think both are true.

The job I left was the job I had been working years toward obtaining. The more knowledge I sought, the more experience I gained, the more confident I got, the more eager I became. Through the progression, I was aware that I was fulfilling my potential and I wanted to see where it could take me. But I don’t see leaving as a failure.

We hear of CEO’s quitting their positions and starting something new all the time. They want more time, with their families, for extracurricular activities. They want more flexibility in their schedule, more freedom. But we never see them in the in-between stage. We see them as the CEO; they seemingly disappear, then we see them confidently and excitedly promoting their next venture as an entrepreneur. We don’t see the transition phase of leaving one and starting the other. And I wish we would/could.

This phase is hard. In many ways, you are starting over. On the other hand, in many ways, you are not. You are grieving the life you had planned. You are excited and scared. Uncertain, yet confident. You have to be very intentional with who you lean on for support. You learn who truly cares about you and believes in you, and that comes with a whole other set of emotions when you realize who does not. Who is talk, and who is action.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve written several times about feeling on the verge of big changes. (Mastered. Branding. Precipice. Transformational Change.) This one feels different. I can’t explain it. And I don’t know that I want to. At least, right now. I kinda just want to take it in. I want to feel all of the emotions that are coming with it.

There is so much going on in the outside world, and I am feeling quite grateful that I’m not being consumed by the fast-paced-ness of it all. I think my body is getting some much needed rest to prepare me for what is to come.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Transformational Change.

Transformational change completely reshapes an organization. It can be strategic such as a change in leadership due to a merger or acquisition. It can be due to innovative technologies that drastically change processes, or it can be due to adding or eliminating a product or market. Although transformational change is generally positive, it can instill fear, doubt, and insecurity among employees. 

There are 4 stages of transformational change, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they are similar to the 5 stages of grief outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler.

ChangeGrief
DenialDenial
ResistanceAnger
ExplorationBargaining
CommitmentDepression
Acceptance

Back in 2020, I wrote that I was undergoing a transformation. Over the past few weeks, I have been emotional, feeling the same uneasiness, restlessness, hope, motivation, and inspiration that I felt then. Just a few months after I wrote that post, I started my master’s degree (which, I feel, has in large part led to my current feelings of transformational change). 

Emotions are stirring deep within my heart and soul. I am on a precipice. But with that anticipation and excitement, I have been grieving the professional future I had planned for myself. I am coming to terms with some things in my personal life that I have been resisting for years, and I am bargaining for some sort of stability and comfort with all of this change. At the same time, I am exploring changing my career and moving out of the area. All while trying not to get down on myself and remain positive about who I am, what I offer, and what I can do.

In short: I am feeling all. of. the. things.

When advancing your career, there are often parts of you that you have to leave behind in order to grow and move forward. Life is the same way. I will be leaving parts of me behind when I make my next move(s), and I feel like I am grieving those things now.

While some experts argue that anticipatory grief doesn’t do you any good, others believe that it does help with post-loss grief. Personally, I feel (or am choosing to believe) that my anticipatory grief is making room for the excitement that comes along with something new.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Branding.

With the rise of social media, personal branding has become a thing. For awhile, I fell into this branding trap. In promoting agriculture, I became “Lacy Litten – Female Farmer.” It was a brand I was happy to have and promote. But I am not a brand, I am a human being who is constantly changing. Maintaining this Female Farmer brand started to become hard. The mold I created for myself began to crack.

But branding is really nothing new. During adolescence, I went through all the phases: country, surfer, punk – you name it. As I look back, I don’t see these phases as “trying them on for size.” I see them as reflections of emotional expression; a girl trying to find her place in the world, being influenced by movies, TV shows, books, friends, trends, environment, society, school, etc. These phases have given me a colorful life, full of perspective.

Branding is what we do; it is how we identify. Woman. Hunter. Homeowner. Mother. Gardener. Leader. Sister. These labels tell people who we are. It is often not intentionally done, but it becomes emphasized and embraced as we fully live these phases of life. As. We. Should.

A lot of life gets lived during each of these branded phases. They are only considered a phase, because a significant period of time can be reduced to a single identifier: college, marriage, career, childhood. None of these phases are defined solely by education, spouse, title, or age. We look at those words and know that knowledge, wisdom, and experience accumulated. Yet, we seem to judge people for making “dramatic” decisions, forgetting that those choices are a result of growth from those phases.

In August 2020, I wrote about undergoing a transformation. In October 2020, I started grad school, which I mastered July 2021. And in June 2021, I wrote about feeling on the precipice of change.

In August 2021, I accepted a new job, and all of the puzzle pieces are starting to come together. It’s been interesting to see and hear people’s reactions to the changes in my life. These changes are a result of years of growth. They are not rash decisions, but slow, meaningful, thoughtful, and instinctual moves forward.

When decisions, such as new careers, get made, there are pieces of us that we must leave behind. That’s the excitement of growth: out with the old and in with the new. Taking the wisdom, knowledge, and experiences gained, and applying them to new opportunities.

I don’t know what this next phase of life fully looks like or what brand will appear on the outside, but I am eager to find out.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Passion.

Merriam-Webster defines passion as an “intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction.”  I don’t really like this definition.  I can have intense feelings of happiness or sadness or anger or any other emotion.  I feel like passion is more encompassing, but I’m not sure of what.  

You always hear motivational and inspirational speakers tell you to “Find your passion.”  Like, what does that even mean? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why don’t they say “Find what you love?” or “Find what makes you happy?”  What is it about passion that sets it apart?

I’ve had a lot of jobs in a lot of different industries.  But it wasn’t until I started working in farming that I truly began to understand what “find your passion” meant. In the day-to-day, I truly enjoy helping produce a safe and healthy food supply for my family, my community, and beyond.  I can be out walking a field and feel pure happiness, if even just for a moment.  I can submit paperwork and feel pride.  I can learn from an irrigator and feel connection. I can teach leadership and feel helpful.

But there are some days…

There are some days when I personally feel attacked, my role feels attacked, or when I feel my company or industry is being attacked – you wanna talk about intense feelings? 🤬 The anger and frustration can shoot straight through to my core.  Claws come out, and I. am. ready to pull out all. the. guns.  I can go from an extreme of positive emotions to an extreme of negative emotions in a matter of seconds. But the good days by far outweigh the bad days. And even on the bad days, there are few things I’d rather do more.

That. is. passion.

Kevin Hall defines passion as “A willingness to suffer for what you love” – a definition I really like.

But I don’t think passion is something you find. I think passion is like love.  It. finds. you.  When the time is right.  Society puts so much pressure on us to have both within a timeframe it deems “normal.”  As a collective, who is society to set these standards when we consider how many people are in unhappy marriages and unhappy in their careers?  

A “calling” is accompanied by “conviction of divine influence.”

Conviction is referenced in the Merriam-Webster definitions of passion and calling. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Conviction and passion are rooted in belief. Belief is putting trust or confidence in someone or some thing. Put that belief in yourself and your God, and you will find your passion when your passion finds you. It’s ethos, pathos, and logos working together.

All those random jobs I had before farming gave me perspective. Ten years ago, I didn’t have the confidence or the backbone to do what I do today. There’s a reason I found my calling when I did. I don’t think this is my only calling either. I think this is where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. And as I feel myself undergoing transformational change, this phase of life is just a stretch of highway on the journey.

As we learn and we grow, we change. Ten years from now, I can be in a completely different place. We don’t know what life has in store for us. Perhaps we must go through the rough waters until we reach our passion, and at that point it becomes smooth sailing. ⛵️ But not without challenge – just challenge you’re better suited to navigate. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I dunno; I’m learning as I go too!

But what I do know, is that I think most people equate passion with happiness. If we find our passion, we become happier. But there is nothing about suffering that makes one happy. I think passion is a balance between positive and negative emotions; it is contentment.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Grief.

Suffering is part of human existence.  This is fact.  Every person in the world has lost something of significance and gone into a process of grieving.  Grief takes on different forms for different people.  Some numb pain; some deny through avoidance, and some lean into the pain.  Loss is unavoidable. 

Grief comes after loss, and psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross believed that there are 5 stages of grief.  They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There has been criticisms of this grief theory among social scientists.  I don’t love it or hate it.  I do think grief is a process, but I don’t necessarily think there is a structure (that we grieve in this consecutive order).  Grief affects us all differently, and we all manage it differently.  It is an incredibly powerful emotion that has physical, social, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual affects.  

David Kessler said, we lost the world as we know it because of COVID.  I don’t think it’s extreme to consider we as a collective society and we as individuals are experiencing grief due to the loss of our pre-COVID lives.

On a frustrating day, I live in COVID denial.  On a bad day, I live in COVID depression.  On a hopeful day, I live in COVID bargaining.  On a melancholy day, I live in COVID acceptance.  On a sad day, I live in COVID anger. 

Notice how I didn’t say “on a good day”?  Yeah, that was on purpose. 😔  It’s hard to see the good in grief.  COVID has fundamentally changed our society and that is having profound effects on our well-being.  We are culturally going through transformational change.  It has been abrupt, dramatic, problematic, and traumatic.  

While time may heal all wounds, scars are left behind – reminders of what we loss and subsequent negative emotions when we pay attention to those reminders.  But with COVID, at least for me, I guess I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.  A return to pre-COVID “normal” seems so far away.  We are six months into this global pandemic, and my wounds are still healing.   

I’m fortunate to understand what’s going on (for the most part).  I know myself well enough to know when I need special or extra care.  As someone who suffered from depression in the past, I know that I am in a vulnerable state.  I’ve had to make conscious and concerted efforts to give my mind, body, and soul the care it needs to sustain this discomfort for the foreseeable future.  

I feel like what makes the recovery part of COVID grief so difficult is that we do not have the outlets or ability to lean into the connections we desperately need to get us through these difficult times – at least in California. 😒 And what we are able to do, we must do with half our face covered – preventing us from receiving non-verbal cues from those with whom we communicate.

Like so many things we encounter in our lives, we often have a hard time accepting things for what they are when those things are beyond our control. While I logically understand this global pandemic, my emotional side is having a hard time coming to terms with it.

While I may not agree with the consecutive order in which we grieve, I do believe that acceptance is the last stage. Some days I accept COVID for what it is (on that particular day), but I have not accepted it for what it has done (personally and economically). I have not accepted the mental and behavioral health ramifications that are stemming from it (individually and collectively), nor have I accepted with the ability to move on.

Like scars from wounds that have healed, acceptance does not mean that all of our negative feelings magically disappear. Reminders still exist. When we push too hard, stitches can come undone. Infections can arise. We are. still. in. the healing process. Acceptance does not come within a specific timeframe. And even when the wounds have healed, sometimes it truly does become living in a “new normal.”

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Transformation.

Do you ever go through periods of life where you feel God working within you? What this looks like may be different for each of us, but for me, I feel uneasy, restless, and emotional, yet hopeful, motivated, and inspired. I recognize these feelings when they appear and know that I am going through a transformational change.

In most change models, we create a picture of what we think the solution should be, then work hard to make reality fit that picture. We try to dominate the situation. I have a friend who is super Type A, logical, and analytical. This would be his approach to change. You create a game plan, and you stick to the game plan.

Transformational change activates the power of vision and humility to face the mysteries of life. We control what we can control, and roll with the punches that we cannot. This is my approach to change. You cultivate discipline of good planning, and adapt to the situation as it is in each moment.

I always say that you need to find comfort in the uncomfortable, but that does not mean that it is comfortable. Susan David says that tough emotions are part of our contract for a meaningful life. Discomfort is movement and growth.

In talking about her sobriety journey, Glennon Doyle says she hasn’t felt fine in 17 years. I’m not an alcoholic, nor have I been, but I so related to this comment. I am a deep feeler. As someone who is constantly seeking personal and professional growth, I am always in a state of discomfort.

The societal expectation is that we don’t talk about our feelings. Feelings are for sissies. I actually find that notion hilarious, because it is the opposite that is true. Remember when I wrote about the definition of courage and talking about our feelings? It is much easier for me to write about my feelings, but to say them out loud? Oy vey. 🤦🏻‍♀️

It is hard to live in a constant state of discomfort. Sometimes, it is so. incredibly. difficult. But feelings are meant to be felt, that’s why we have them! They exist to prompt you into moving! It may seem easier to avoid our feelings, but avoiding our feelings is what drives a lot of people to alcoholism or drugs. They don’t want to feel. I’m sure most of us would agree that it’s probably better to feel what we feel than be driven to addiction. No? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like the only thing that would be worse than feeling feelings would be not feeling them at all. Could you imagine? You have to have the good and the bad. It’s not a one or the other.

When I lost my dog, my heart didn’t just break; it shattered. 💔 It was in pieces, and I had physical reactions to the pain. It was a deeper hurt than I had experienced in a very, very long time. But even through my grief, I was accepting of the pain, the hurt, and the trauma. All those deeply negative emotions gave profound meaning to her existence and her purpose in my life.

Although I am in a constant state of improvement, transformational change is different. It comes from deep within. It’s like an accumulation of weeks, months or years worth of discomfort in growth coming to a head. Although it’s rough to navigate through, I know good things are on the horizon. And that is so. damn. exciting.

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