by : lacylit10 Leadership

Avoidance.

We all value the importance of communication, but so many people avoid conversations that make them feel uncomfortable – which doesn’t solve anything.  It actually makes everything worse.  I’m not going to go into examples here.  We all know how it feels when we don’t feel as though we’re being listened to.

I tried to have one of these uncomfortable conversations with someone. I told him what I wanted to talk about, and we agreed to have the conversation at a later time when we would both be prepared to do so.  But that later discussion never happened.  This person invited me to have a seat at the table, then never let me pull up a chair.

That is such. poor. leadership.

Good leadership doesn’t turn off when you walk out of the office doors.  People who embrace leadership, live and breathe it in all aspects of their lives.  It becomes part of who they are.

I had two choices in this scenario:

  1. Push the issue.  I could have sought him out and demanded to be heard.
  2. Let it go.  I could accept that if he didn’t even want to hear me out, then it’s likely he wasn’t going to listen even if he did.

You probably know which choice I made.  Actually, you probably don’t.  This could really go either way. 😂

Here’s what I figured…

This person deliberately avoided this conversation and red flags came out:

🚩 He did not care enough about my discomfort (to set aside his own discomfort) 
🚩 He did not value my opinion or perspective (because he refused to hear it)
🚩 He did not respect me as an equal (by not giving me the opportunity to speak)

While I stewed over this for several days, I eventually let it go.  (I mean, that’s not entirely true.  It still pisses me off to think about it, but I let it go as far as he’s concerned.)  What I realized was that if none of those things applied before the conversation, nothing was going to change after the conversation.

As leaders, we must set aside our natural tendencies for the greater well-being of others.  He didn’t do that for me. And for as much as I wanted to give this guy a piece of my mind, I knew that ultimately it wasn’t going to do any good. Even if I received an empathetic and compassionate response, it wouldn’t have felt genuine. Because really, it wouldn’t have been. His authentic response was one of avoidance.

Remember when I said I’m starting to see more people in an unfavorable light? This is an example of one of those times. I realized this person wasn’t treating me in a way that I deserve, and I adjusted a new boundary accordingly.

We all have the right to be treated the way we want to be treated. That is 💯 within our power to control. He did what he thought was best for him by avoiding the issue, and I did what was best for me by walking away from it.

While I would like to say an unfortunate and unintended consequence is that our relationship has since taken different shape and suffered because of this, I can’t say I’m all that disappointed. If I’m not going to be cared for, valued, or respected, then I’m not getting much benefit out of the relationship in the first place. And let’s be real, it’s his loss anyway. 😁💁🏻‍♀️

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Comfort in the Uncomfortable.

In everything I read and learn or have experienced, we connect with people when we are vulnerable. When we share something personal with someone else, all of a sudden, our differences disappear; our arguments dissolve. We no longer see that person as an enemy, but as someone who has struggles, fears, and feelings. That person becomes relatable.

As I enter different phases of my leadership journey, there’s different areas of my life that I’ve been sharing – some more difficult than others. While I’m not necessarily embarrassed by these experiences, some I would just prefer not to vocalize, often times in a room full of people I don’t know very well. It takes courage, and courage is vulnerability.

I once heard that we need to find comfort in the uncomfortable. I was like, yeah, okay. I mean, the concept isn’t a hard one to understand. Jack Canfield explains it well:

If we’re not a little bit uncomfortable every day, we are not growing. All the good stuff is outside our comfort zone.

But I’ve got to be honest, I did not feel that statement until recently.

As I travel down this road, the more I find myself in uncomfortable situations, whether that be public speaking, sharing a personal story, showing up to an event where I don’t know anyone – or whatever it may be. There is consistently new experiences. Which is awesome (and terrifying at the same time), because that means I’m moving forward and growing.

And you know what? It’s actually gotten easier.

I would consider myself a very introverted person. I like my alone time. I like to really think things over. And it takes a lot of energy to go out and network. But after going to an event or a speaking engagement or whatever it may be, I don’t go back to my car and praise Jesus that it’s over (anymore – for the most part). And that my friends, is progress.

But as someone who likes data, I can’t help but wonder if it’s only my perception that makes it seem easier or am I actually becoming more of an extrovert? At work, we talk a lot about SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relatable, and Timely). Not that this was specifically one of my goals, but show me some results that measure improvement. Does this data even exist and how would I find it?

Turns out, I have some data.

I recently took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Assessment. If the Extrovert/Introvert scale ran from left (E) to right (I), I would have expected to be on the far right. But I actually fell closer to the middle. Nearly two years ago (October 2017), I took the DiSC Assessment and scored very, very low in Social Influence.

While these are two different types of personality tests that scientifically wouldn’t hold as legit measurable proof, they’re good enough for me! I don’t necessarily think I’ve become more of an extrovert, I think I’ve just better adapted to “turning it on”.

And I think this is exactly what finding comfort in the uncomfortable means. It’s when the hard things become easier. When you focus more on the benefits than the fear, it makes the uncomfortable a little more bearable.