Remember when I wrote about listening to the wrong podcast episode of The Happiness Lab that prompted the post Sharing is Caring? Well, I finally listened to the episode that was originally recommended for me to listen to. It was called “Don’t Think of the White Bear.”
I don’t even remember why this specific episode was recommended to me by a colleague. I think we were talking about how emotions are contagious. But what I took away from the episode was actually justification to my feelings in the post Let Me Be. Turns out, the best way to get over our emotions is to fully embrace them, while we’re feeling them. This helps us get over them more quickly and makes them less impactful on the feelings of others.
Researchers conducted an experiment between parents and their children. Some parents were exposed to a very stressful day, while others were not. The parents who were super stressed were told to suppress their feelings and pretend that everything was okay while playing Legos with their children. Researchers found that the children whose parents were suppressing stressful feelings performed worse at the task and had less fun than the other children. The stressed parents got angrier, more upset, and they were less responsive to their children. Their bad mood deteriorated their bad mood even further while playing with their kids.
We are inclined to believe that suppressing our feelings or pretending like they don’t exist is helping us, but it’s actually doing the opposite. It takes more work to ignore our feelings.
Roughly 1,000 – 2,000 studies have been conducted on the health of people who either write or talk about traumatic experiences. The people who confront their feelings tend to go to the doctor at half the rate, are in better physical health, have better immune systems, and perform better on tests. The Dalai Lama recommends that keeping a calm mind is the best way to work through our feelings. One researcher does a short meditation when she is feeling frustrated or upset. She intensely focuses on the emotion for a short period of time, and this allows her to move on more quickly and readily.
Personally, I cry. If I am super angry or upset or frustrated, I cry. Likewise, when I am super happy or proud, I cry. Whether the emotion is good or bad, when I feel intensely, I need to get it off my chest and release the buildup of emotional pressure. Although I may not immediately feel 100% better, there is usually guaranteed improvement.
They say that self-awareness is the #1 quality of a great leader. Leaders recognize that emotions are contagious. They understand how they feel affects their thoughts and behaviors, which then affects the feelings and thoughts and behaviors of those around them – no differently than the experiment with stressed parents and their children.
Not coincidentally, the key to improving self-awareness is to fully embrace your emotions as you are feeling them. This helps you understand how your feelings influence your thoughts and behaviors. Having high emotional intelligence not only makes you a great leader, but it will also improve your relationships.
It’s one thing to know about self-awareness and how to manage your emotions, it’s another to put it into practice. Weather it’s a brisk walk, a meditation, or a good cry, find what works for you.
