by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Mistakes.

The beauty of being human is that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes.  In fact, I think learning from our mistakes helps build our character.  We have a right to our opinions, and we have a right to change our minds.

Humans. are. imperfect.  We all make mistakes.

Why is that we are so judgmental and misunderstanding when someone makes a mistake?  We become critical and accusatory of others, completely ignoring the fact that we, ourselves, also make mistakes.

In today’s media, (social and mainstream), we only see/hear/read snippets of stories.  I can’t tell you all about food safety in a 30-minute video, let alone a 30 second video that may hold your attention. For you to come to a conclusion about the safety of your food, even in a series of multiple 30 second videos is unreasonable.  Yet, this is exactly how we perceive something as true and accurate, when majority of necessary context has gone unwritten or unspoken.  

With the editing tools and hacks that are so widely available, really, we can never be 100% sure that what we see/hear/read in media is factual.  Not only is this why media literacy has become so important, but it also validates our need to be more empathetic as a society.  Just because we can use media as mindless entertainment doesn’t mean we should always consume it as. mindless. media.

The same concept applies to situations IRL.  There are few things we should take at face value, especially in times of crisis.  

If we think about this in terms of COVID.  The CDC first recommended not using a mask, then later came back with the recommendation, and the state of California made masks mandatory in public spaces.  I wouldn’t actually call this a mistake by the CDC, so much as they changed their mind as more scientific information became available. 

I critically judged the CDC for this.  As the most reliable source for information on public health, I felt they should get it right before publicizing.  But at the same time, I defend our use of pesticides until new science becomes available, and we learn that certain pesticides may no longer be safe.  I cannot make the exception for my belief, because it is my belief.  

Most of us act with genuinely good intentions, and our comments or actions get taken out of context or misunderstood without seeing the big picture. Whether in media or real-life, there is always more to a story. 

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Listen.

People just straight up do. not. pay. attention.  Maybe it’s because I’m true to my word and not super forgetful that people fail to recognize that I rarely need reminding, and I say pretty much exactly what I mean.

Examples:

  • A lady emailed me about a couple of things.  I told her I would have the planting schedule to her by the end of the week, but continued to communicate with her on traceability.  By the end of our few exchanges, she said “I still need the ranches and blocks on these plantings.”  Uh, yeah, I know.  It was Wednesday.  I told her I’d have them to her by the end of the week.  I still had 2 days – intentionally giving myself this time frame to confirm some things.
  • A guy emailed me about our soon-to-be expired audits.  “Lacy, these audits are about to expire, do you have new ones?”  Nothing irritates me more than people telling me my audits are about to expire.  Like I don’t already know that. 😒 Fail, #1.  Then I say, “Yes, they were audited last week.  I have it on my calendar to send you updated audits next month when I receive them.”  3 weeks go by and I get another email.  “Lacy, do you have updated audits?”  NO!  I said a month!  3 weeks is not a month.  Also, “I have it on my calendar” means I don’t need you emailing to remind me. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Fail #2, and Fail #3.

And these are email exchanges, written clearly!  They’re just not paying attention to what I’m saying.  They can go back and reference them if they didn’t understand or if they forgot.  But no.  It’s easier to inconvenience me.  Again.

Like, I get it.  So. much. of my job is following up with people.  I spend probably ¼ of my time just reviewing shit and then calling people out when they did it wrong or untimely.  And this is typically after I’ve already laid out clear expectations!  But…

You have to give people some leeway to see how closely you have to follow.  Unfortunately, I just have a lot of people I have to follow closely.  But I don’t need that same kind of care, and it’s so frustrating to me when people don’t recognize that – in anyone.  Pay attention and learn where people are credible.  Give them autonomy in areas where they are reliable.  

Greek philosopher Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

Studies have proven this to be almost true.  We spend 70-80% of our waking hours in some form of communication. 45% of that time is spent listening. (9% writing, 16% reading, and 30% speaking.)  But most of us are actually poor, ineffective listeners.

We have the mental capacity to understand 400 words per minute, but most people speak at a rate of about 125 words per minute.  Since we’re only using 25% of our mental capability when listening to someone speak, we have 75% of our minds to do something else with.  Basically, we get bored listening to people speak and our minds wander.

Active listening is a learned skill that takes conscious effort – proven by the fact that we only remember between 25 and 50% of what we hear.  You can find tips on how to be a better listener with a quick Google search.  And yeah, I think the tips are helpful.  But I also think it comes back to people just being human.  

People want to feel heard.  I think it really can be as simple as “treat others the way you want to be treated”.  How many of us appreciate when someone checks their phone when we’re talking?  Or when you can visibly see the person has checked out of the communication?  Be present in the conversation.  Don’t skim the email, read it. 

Many people consider multi-tasking a benefit, but science has proven we cannot focus on more than one task at a time.  When we quickly move from one task to another, we do not give one task much of our attention.  We’re actually more efficient when focusing on one thing at a time.  Apply that to listening in communication, and your active listening 👂🏼 skills could probably dramatically improve. 

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Fine Lines.

I find it ironic that it’s sometimes the people who are against talking about feelings or self-reflecting that are the most emotional.  In business, it can be challenging for subordinates or colleagues to approach these people with constructive feedback.  It’s waiting until that person is in the right mood, reading the situation, treading lightly, and being deliberate with the words you say.  While this typically applies in any situation, some (people and situations) are more sensitive than others. 

When developing new relationships, personally or professionally, the same approach applies.  We walk fine lines.  It’s not until a level of trust builds that we can be more direct.  We often don’t really care so much about hurting a family member’s feelings.  We will “tell them like it is” because sometimes “the truth hurts” and “it has to be said.”

Everyone has a different communication style, and there are 4 specific ones that most people refer to (information is readily available with a Google search):

  1. Passive – Indifferent, yielding to others; fail to express feelings or needs, allowing others to express themselves, lack of eye contact.
    • “It doesn’t matter.”
  2. Aggressive – Emphasized by speaking in a loud and demanding voice, intense eye contact; issue demands and rudely ask questions; fails to listen to others.
    • “I’m right, and you’re wrong.”
  3. Passive-Aggressive – Passive on the surface but may fill powerless or stuck within, building up resentment; do not confront a person or issue; difficulty acknowledging their anger; may give silent treatment or talk about someone behind their back.
    • “That’s fine, but don’t be surprised if someone else isn’t okay with it.”
  4. Assertive – Open communication without being overbearing; can express own needs and desire while considering others; aim for a win/win situation.
    • “Agree to disagree.”

I think we all use these different communication styles depending on the situation, but we definitely have a preferred style.  Several years ago, I probably would have been a passive communicator and preferred to be communicated with in any style but aggressive.  Today, I’m much more of an assertive communicator and prefer to be communicated with in an assertive style.  I like expectations to be laid out upfront.  I want to understand the purpose of the conversation, and the intent of the person speaking.  

I was reading a book awhile back that talked about romance, specifically, how courtship has shifted.  Today, when we court someone, communication is usually via text and asking someone on a date is more “Wanna hang out?” Well, “Wanna hang out?” can mean any sorts of things to many different people.  It’s a very passive invitation.  

Courtship used to mean calling a landline, maybe even leaving a message 😱, and asking someone out on a date, specifically for the purpose of dating.  You walk a fine line when getting to know someone as it is.  You want to be forthcoming but not too forward.  You want to be inquisitive but not intrusive.  You want to be supportive but not clingy.  There are so many uncertainties during this phase of courtship.  We make it more complicated by passively putting ourselves out there verses assertively putting ourselves out there.  We’ve stopped actually putting our heart on that fine line we’re walking.

We are constantly walking a fine line, both in our personal and our professional lives.  Because either way, you are developing a relationship.  As I said, some people and some situations are more sensitive than others.  Whether a person is emotional or not, how we approach a situation and the words we choose can dramatically affect the message and the impact of a conversation.  It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.

The medium is the message.

Marshall McLuhan

Perhaps, this is why I’m so judgmental when a guy texts me before calling. A passive “We should hang out.” text message is far less impressive than an assertive in-person “Would you like to go on a date?” Expectation is clear, and intent is clear.

I feel like you have a better chance of not being rejected in-person, because you have all the non-verbal cues to know whether that person is interested or not. But I understand the vulnerability that comes with taking that chance in-person. It’s my head and my heart coming from two different places. But the only way to not set myself up for disappointment is to lay them both on the line.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Disappointment.

The underlying theme for disappointment is unmet expectations.  How true is that when you really think about it?  When I’m disappointed in myself, I am usually left questioning, “What did I do wrong?  How could I have done better?”  When I’m disappointed in someone else, I’m usually left wondering, “If he would only…” 🙄

It’s harder for me to be disappointed in other people than it is to be disappointed in myself.  At least when I haven’t met my own expectations, I can reflect to see if I laid my head and my heart on the line (logic and emotion).  If I didn’t, I know to do better and can take steps toward improvement.  

Other people, well…it seems a lot of other people are comfortable with complacency.

Did you ever learn about rhetoric appeals?

Rhetoric appeals are tools described by Aristotle used to persuade.  If you’re trying to convince someone of something, do you tug at their heart strings (emotions aka “pathos”) or do you need to present facts and data (logic aka “logos”)? And how do you establish your credibility (aka “ethos”) to make this person believe you?

Personally, I don’t think successful persuasive arguments focus on one or the other, I think it’s a combination of all three.  The argument should be fluid, laying in more heavily to one or the other depending on the reactions you receive.

I also believe that ethos, pathos, and logos can be applied to nearly anything in life, not just persuasive arguments. To help explain what I mean, I created a structure of appeals*:

Our ethics are our guiding principles. Like a company’s mission statement, these things rarely change. Even the most analytical person has a heart, and even the most emotional person appreciates facts. Utilizing all three drives results.

  • Ethos is my goal – It’s an expectation I’ve set for myself driven by personal beliefs.
  • Pathos is my intuition – It’s my passion, my energy, and my attitude.
  • Logos is my work – It’s the actions that go into reaching my goal.

If I don’t put my head and my heart into reaching my goal, I have a greater chance of being disappointed. When I lay both on the line, I know that I’ve done all that I can do.

I think most people focus on logic or emotion. (Or they’re complacent and don’t really give a shit about any of it. 🤷🏻‍♀️) We default to our strengths; that’s human nature. But if I want to be successful in any area of life, I’m gonna try my best not to half-ass it by focusing on one or the other.

I have a friend who is very driven by his morals and logic-focused. He says he wants to be the best he can be. But he neglects the importance of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. He dismisses emotions as touchy/feely nonsense; he equates emotions to weakness.

But if you remember Brené Brown’s earliest definition of courage…

To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.

We would never dismiss facts, so why do we so easily dismiss emotions as important? Emotions are non-verbal cues (facts) from our heart! If my friend truly wants to be the best he can be, he needs to change the narrative. Based on this definition, being vulnerable with our emotions is lit.er.a.lly. the. most. courageous thing we can do!

When you have to do something you don’t want to do, it sucks, right? You don’t give it your best effort. It becomes something you tolerate. You’re guided by ethos, using logos, and results are likely mediocre.

But when you do something you want to do, it’s a completely different ballgame. You give it your best effort. You’re enthusiastic about it. You’re guided by ethos, using logos and pathos, and results are likely stellar.

I hate being disappointed by others, so the last thing I want to do is disappointment someone else. This is why I like expectations to be laid out upfront: to minimize confusion or miscommunication. I can control how much head and heart I put into whatever I do, but I can’t control how much head and heart someone else puts into whatever they do. Laying out clear expectations at least sets that person up for success. What they choose to do with it then becomes up to them.

*I can’t take full credit for this, because I feel like it’s an adaptation of things that I’ve learned. But having learned those things over time, I can’t pinpoint the specific influence.

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Burn-Out.

Did you know that burn-out is classified as an “occupational phenomenon” in the International Classification of Diseases by the World Health Organization (WHO)?  It’s in a section describing factors that influence a person’s health without being an illness or injury.  

Burn-out refers specifically to phenomena in the occupational context and should not be applied to describe experiences in other areas of life.

It’s a syndrome (associated symptoms of opinions, emotions, and behavior) essentially brought to fruition from the unsuccessful management of chronic workplace stress.  It is characterized by three dimensions:

  1. Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion;
  2. Increased mental distance from one’s job or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job;
  3. Reduced professional efficacy

Now, I’ve been saying I feel burnt-out for quite a while now.  But even through all the crap, I’ve still been wondering, “Is it all just in my head? It’s not really all. that. bad, is it?” So in true Lacy fashion, I looked for a way to justify my feelings.  Since burn-out is diagnosable, there’s got to be a measurement tool to verify, right?

There are actually several different assessments you can take. Here is an example of one. I can’t find the one that I used, but here are my results:

  • Emotional strain = 30
  • Interpersonal strain = 31
  • Task strain = 30

Scores higher than 25 in each indicate a high degree of strain.  If you add each score, anything higher than 75 indicates that “you may be feeling intense strain or burnout.”  You guys. 😳 My total score is 91.  Yeah, you can say I’m feeling intense strain.

I have been having a hard time keeping it together. And now, it’s starting to show up in my attitude and behavior. And only now that it’s becoming visible does it seem anyone is taking notice. Remember when I said everyone has an innate desire to feel seen and heard? Yeah, true story. 🙄

My leadership and emotional capacity have been exhausted over the past several months. It pains me burn-out is even showing up in my attitude and behavior, because great leaders are supposed to have it all together. But at what point is it okay for me to not be okay?

Don’t freak out by that statement. I’m fine. My point is: why does it have to get this far? Burn-out doesn’t just happen over night; it happens over time.

As an employee, resources are not readily available for me to access. I have certain parameters I must work within. Open communication with my boss is critical, then it becomes a test of his leadership.

But I’m not putting this all on him. Aside from the uncontrollables that have contributed to the unsuccessful management of this chronic stress, the rest is my own fault. Either I poorly managed my time, I didn’t prioritize effectively, I wasn’t working efficiently, or I wasn’t assertive enough in expressing, “I’m drowning in work.” Perhaps it’s a combination of some or all of these things.

While I don’t consider myself a perfectionist, I do have a perfectionist mentality – another contributing factor. 😬 But on the bright side, some deadlines are coming to a close this week. And if that’s not enough of a silver lining, the season slows down in about 3 months. So, you know, that will be here before I know it. 🤣👩🏻‍🌾

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Trust.

I once saw a meme that said, “Dating is getting to know someone until you realize you don’t like that person anymore.”  I mean, how true is that statement though? 😬 It’s kind of sad when you really think about it.  You invest time, energy, and emotion in someone until you ultimately discover that person is not worth your time, energy, and emotion.

There are a lot of great things about being single, don’t get me wrong.  The freedom is undeniably one of the best aspects of it.  But the dating part is hard.

First, choosing the person you want to date.  Not just anyone will set off the “cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that accompanies the exciting first phase of love.  The person we select has to smell right, feel right, look right, and be just right in our arms.  Then, and only then, will the cascade get started.” – John Gottman, Ph.D

Once we choose that person (which I think is a conscious and subconscious decision), our brain releases several chemicals that have enormous influence on our judgment and affection.  These chemicals include a natural form of amphetamine, dopamine, pheromones, and oxytocin.  Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined this phase of love as “limerence”.  Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession typically experienced by an involuntary strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.

It is our biological makeup that reacts to the people we are attracted to.  We cannot control the release of these chemicals, which is what makes the initial phase of relationships so intoxicating and exciting.  Then we enter the make it or break it phase of the relationship: Building Trust. 

This is where we discover we may not really like that person after all.  Some of those feel good chemicals have worn off, our blinders are no longer up, and we start to see this person for who they really are.

As we navigate through learning whether or not our partner can be trusted, we experience feelings of frustration, disappointment, sadness, and exasperation.  If healthy, positive conflict discussions ensue, the relationship has a better likelihood of working.  If blaming arguments occur, well, it’s the opposite. 

In animal research, scientists found that oxytocin and vasopressin are two chemicals associated with lifelong pair-bonding among prairie voles.  Prairie voles have high levels of oxytocin; they mate for life.  In a study, when scientists blocked the oxytocin receptors, the animals no longer formed monogamous bonds and tended to roam.

Oxytocin has been called “the love hormone” or “the cuddle hormone” because it plays an important role in forming attachments.  Our style of attachment (secure or insecure) as adults is rooted in how we bonded with caregivers as infants and children, namely our mother.  When you hold an infant, they wiggle in your arms to find comfort.  Once they find it, they put the whole weight of their body on you.  They give you com.plete. trust. with their being.  They feel safe and secure.

The building of trust is about having your partner’s best interests in mind and at heart.

John Gottman

In Trust Factor: The Science of Creating High-Performance Companies, Paul Zak describes the chemical reactions in our brains on how we respond to challenges and how trust is created.  In rodents, oxytocin has been shown to signal that another animal was safe to approach.  In an experiment conducted by Zak’s team, they found that oxytocin tended to reduce the fear of trusting a stranger.

Challenge stresses, (a difficult but achievable task), releases oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.  Chemicals that intensify your focus and strengthen social connections.  In dating, this would probably be “the chase”.

Ultimately, you cultivate trust by setting a clear direction, giving people what they need to see it through, and getting out of their way.

Paul Zak

This comes down to expectations, communication, and feedback.  Not only are these typically weak areas in businesses, but also just in day-to-day relationships with coworkers, friends, family, and romantic partners.  

What’s interesting to me about all of this is that it goes to show that whether you are in a romantic or professional relationship with someone, our chemical reactions to building trust are essentially the same.  Healthy and positive conflict discussions in either type of relationship will see more success.